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Fun Flash Games
or "What your head Forums Admin does when she needs to decompress"
By Reens

As many of you know- at least those of you who frequent the IRC channels- I love little Flash games.
Lately it's been the games of NinjaKiwi: Bloons, Bloons2, Bloons Tower Defense and their newest one, Hotcorn.
One of the first that really caught my attention - and made me give it out to other people, was Paintball by Claxor. This deceptively simple, yet oh-so-evil little game kept me up waaaaay past my bedtime one night. And incidentally, it also cost Rolith and Artix some sleep as well. By about 1 am we were competing to see who could finish levels the fastest - and I was losing miserably. Finally gave up to get some sleep, only to find out that I quit about 2 levels from the end. After that... the hunt was on. Could I find another Flash Game that would catch my attention the way that Paintball did?
The Bloons series:
There's just something about a monkey with a dart and a bunch of balloons... it reminds me very much of Punt Twilly in a game-style manner. The object of each level is to clear a specific number of balloons with the darts you have- and sometimes you only have one or 2 darts.
Bloons Tower defense:
Set up like most of the top down Flash tower defense games, this one features not only the Monkey-with-the-darts, but an assortment of Bloon popping towers as well. Dart Towers (the monkey), tack towers, Ice towers that freeze nearby bloons, Bomb towers and the Supersonic Hyper monkey tower.
They also have Bloons Player Pack 1 and Player Pack 2. The staff at NinjaKiwi have picked their 50 favorite levels from those submissions by players to www.bloonsworld.com. These are a little more difficult than Bloons and More Bloons. I've managed to finish PP1, but PP2 still eludes me.
Hotcorn:
The newest set of cames from NinjaKiwi- you're a ball of heat and you have to pop a certain number of popcorn kernels per level. There are cold patches, "rotten" kernels and other obstacles to navigate around.

I tend to stick with the puzzle solvers rather than anything requiring quick reflexes, though. MiniClip.com is another of my favorite "I need a break" sites- I can always find something there to play. They tend to have seasonal games as well- so that's always fun.
They have SnowLine - another Line Rider meets Paintball type of game, so of course I'll play it. Their "Puzzle Games" section is always good for a few minutes (or hours) of timekilling.

I DID try Portals- the Flash version, but gave up rather early on as I've discovered that my timing for these things is horrible! For me, the best thing about that game is the theme song- it was written by Jonathan Coulton and sung by Ellen McLain. Ellen McLain, for those of you who play, is the voice of GLaDOS, and also does voices for the Half-Life 2 series of games (Combine Overwatch).

Those are just a few of the tens of thousands of Flash games out there for your fun and amusement... I hope you enjoy them!

The Secret of Statistics
By Reens

One of the most wonderful parts of any journey, having taken in the fabulous terrestrial vistas and charming local accents, is undoubtedly the fall of night. Obviously, the starry sky seen from most anyplace on earth is going to be largely the same sky you see at home. Oh, constellations may differ, sure, but the over-arching theme is there - namely, 'Lots of dazzling lights on black canvas.' Still, one appreciates such things more on a journey. Perhaps it reminds them of home, perhaps they're simply paying more attention to everything. Perhaps they're thinking, 'Boy, I'm sure glad that no matter how far I go, I don't have to go all the way out THERE.'

Now, it was one of these beautifully starry nights when a rather odd incident took place. Picture the scene - there I was, situated atop a picturesque hillock of incomparable loveliness, gazing at the stars above, pondering the many mysteries of LORE. Talking to myself.

"So," I began, "Do you ever wonder if there's other life out there? Or are we alone in this great big universe?"

"Don't be an idiot," I replied scathingly. "You were just fighting aliens. It SAID so in their descriptive pop-up box thing!"

"Now, hey!" I responded, hurt. "There's simply no call for that sort of tone. I was only making small talk."

"Small talk is all you CAN do," I continued, pressing the attack - "As you've not the brains for more!"

"By the elemental lords, I don't have to take that guff!" said I to myself, said I. "I cast my gage at my feet! Let battle be joined!"

So it was that battle was joined, after a fashion. As traditional battle displays require an object to aim at, however, this was accomplished via a sort of dialogue mechanic. For each attack, I took a roll based on my Strength stat. For each parry, my Dexterity came into play, followed by the rather neglected Intelligence stat for the unleashing of my awe-inspiring magic (what man can stand before my barrage of level one fireball spells?). Unfortunately, none of my stats were particularly notable - I was failing every roll, which meant that I was taking quite a lot of damage from failing to block the hits I hadn't managed to land.

As I struggled on (valiant hero that I am), a wayfarer chanced to walk by. Observing the battle (such as it was), he did nod his head after a fashion most sagacious, and cry out, "Lol, u noob cant evn get a rol lol! rofl y u no train stats?1 i lke pie." While I was somewhat confused by his reference to pastries, I was struck by the force of his wisdom (and my own sword. Finally rolled a thirty - take that!). At once, I said unto him, "Goodsir, truly am I humbled by your demeanor and knowledge. Pray avail yourself of further discourse as to the nature of this training, for ever do I strive to improve myself." He did look upon me in a fashion most strange, and gave reply; "lol u tlk strange y u such a n00b?? jst go 2 stat trainrs!!1!"

Unfortunately, I was unable to discern the location from the remainder of his speech (lol u tlk funny cuz ur a minimod rite?) and therefore returned to Battleon much befuddled. Fortune smiled upon me there - while the moglin Twilly could not tell me the location of these 'Stat Trainers,' he was able to work some strange enchantment, conveying me at once to them. I stood for several minutes among that august company, considering carefully what schooling I wished to gain.

In time, I reasoned that it could never be a bad thing to become stronger. After turning some gold over to the warrior there, we took up arms and began to duel. While the fight was long and tiring, I eventually gained victory. The trainer nodded approvingly, and told me that I was stronger.

What?

I attempted to reason with him. After all, I pointed out, a single battle with monsters even more powerful than he did not significantly improve my power. Surely this was not enough! Yet, he was steadfast - I WAS stronger, he told me, and I was forced to reluctantly agree. Disgruntled, I turned to the trainer of dexterity, intent on learning how to better dodge attacks. We joined in battle and, again, after winning, he told me that I was now not only much better at dodging, but that my skills with bow and arrow were much improved.

Chagrined, I engaged the other trainers. The mage trainer seemed a likely scholar, instructing me to set aside my weapons - only to begin a spell-battle. Upon my triumph, he assured me that I was a superior spellcaster, and much smarter than I'd been a moment before. While this seemed unlikely (and impossible, to be honest. I am at the peak of human genius, rest assured), it was nothing compared to the Charisma trainer. He did away with any pretense of speech writing classes or posture lessons, and engaged me in battle as well. I wasn't all that surprised to learn, at this point, that violence might not be the answer, but it does make one stronger, faster, smarter, more durable and charming.

Against all logic, it worked - I doubled and redoubled my power and wit within an hour. To further investigate this phenomenon, I proffered more of my dwindling funds, ready to ascend further. I was refused.

I argued, but the trainers were adamant - they could teach me nothing more until I gained more 'stat points.' To ensure my understanding, they explained that I could attain these by killing monsters. This was strange - while I had long known that killing vast numbers of monsters would eventually cause me to suddenly become slightly more powerful (and more popular - shopkeepers continually refuse to let me buy weapons until I killed more monsters and gained in power, despite my arguments that doing it the other way around was more effective on my end), I had not realized that this would also enable me to increase my existing attributes. All hail the power of violence.

As I often do when I am confused, I sat alone for a time, pondering. What strange and complex magic allowed this system to function? Why did the monsters not gain power from slaying me? Why did violence solve everything? Would I ever locate a dairy willing to sell me yogurt? The answers proved horrifying.

I concluded that only one thing could be happening - soul eating. Every time I slew some pathetic ghoul, I was evidently leeching away not only its life and power, but its very mind and spirit! After a certain point, I realized, I finished 'digesting' this energy, and became suddenly more powerful. More than that, however, the attributes of my foes must remain, and these 'Stat Trainers' were dark magi of the highest order, unlocking those bits of mind and body through vile rituals of bloodshed! Moreover, I realized, every human of LORE must be a soul-vampire!

I became convinced at once - my brilliant supposition explained everything. This was the reason why I often felt compelled to seek out and murder hordes of monsters! This was the reason that ninety percent of all the creatures of LORE attack humans on sight - they realize that we are are horrors worse than death, and seek to destroy us! All because of these stat trainers. Yes, I realized, nature would not give any being this power except by the most dire evil incantations. It was obvious - the Stat Trainers sought to twist the heroes of the world into LORE's most horrific menace yet.

You might ask yourself just what purpose these malevolent trainers have in doing so. The answer is all too clear. As I became more powerful, I discovered that the trainers became more mighty still. In time, I rationalized, glutted from the combined powers of all the warriors and mages and rangers of Battleon, the Stat Trainers would reveal their true evil intent, casting down all the forces of Order and ruling as dark demigods. O, traitorious Nebron, why?

It is not too late to stop this menace, however. There can be only one solution - we must drown Battleon in a sea of fire, destroying every stone and casting down the evil Stat Trainers. All honorable men of LORE must then cast aside their blades and bows, and become one with nature, meditating on forest stumps in flowing white robes. (As an unrelated bonus, this would revitalize LORE's logging industry, as mass production of stumps began. Lately, it's really been going to the beavers.) Those dishonorable people who refuse should be chained to stumps and forced to meditate - but most importantly, kept away from slaying and consuming any poor innocent soul ever again. I shall do my part too, spreading this message of forced voluntary pacifism, battling my way to lands unknown and incidentally becoming number one on the high scores lists. Alas, it is all too true - the price of battle outweighs the benefits. To one side, anyway.

I'd wish you good luck, but you'll make it. No stress