Help - Search - Members - Calendar
Full Version: Deep Seated: Book Two: The Lunar Pursuit
Sal's RuneScape Forum > Everything... Not RuneScape > The Story Mat > RuneScape Stories
Pages: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
hlow
Deep Seated: Book Two: The Lunar Pursuit


WARNING: The following story contains various descriptions of violence and blood and gore.

Link to book one.

In the mysterious, vacant rune essence mines of Lunar Isle, an ancient and skilled magician was released.
Seth, Derek and Synit are the ones who are told about it. They've decided to try to stop this magician, bent on the destruction of RuneScape.
The fate of RuneScape lies into the their hands and some help from other friend's hands. Will they stop the magician? Or will they let RuneScape perish?
Keep on reading to find out.

----------------------------------------------
Welcome to the second book of Deep Seated. This book is going to be much better than the first one, with more chapters, more adventure and more action! Please read and comment!
Also, remember to read all the chapters before reading the newest one. This lets you know about the storyline and stuffz.

Note: Whenever I am in this topic for a long period of time, this means I'm working on the next chapter.


Table of contents:


Commenting on my story:
Spoiler: Click to Toggle the Spoiler.
I am accepting any critism or compliments on my story. Please point out any typos, therefore I can fix them. Point out grammatical errors as well, so I can also fix them.
Please, and I repeat, PLEASE, NO SPAM.
Comments such as: "ur3 st0ry 1sh s0 l33t!!!" and "w0w d4t w4s h0rr1bl3!" etc. is not accepted.
Please read the rules of The Story Mat if you haven't:
The Story Mat Rules

[Close]


List of current characters:
Spoiler: Click to Toggle the Spoiler.
When a new character is put in the story, the character will be put in here. At the end of this book, there will be a poll for your favourite character!

Seth - A serious and skilled swordsman from Lumbridge. He worked at the Varrock swordshop but left without any notice. Seth has a brother whose name is Derek. His parents had died early in his life. Seth and Derek had left the orphanage they were sent to and ventured out of town.
Derek - A very enthusiastic and also skilled swordsman from Lumbridge. He's Seth's brother. He doesn't have a job. Derek is actually a thief.
Synit - The amazing fighter from Varrock that uses dual adamant daggers to fight. He closes his eyes while he fights. He's very easy to talk to.
He has a fear of blood. During his fights, if he's really into the fight and sights lots of blood, he changes into his alternate personality, Sytin. He fights with his eyes open and is much more stronger than Synit.
Zen - The whole problem to this story. He has a tough personality and is reckless. He is a very skilled magician and had lots of fights with his brother, Nez when he was young. You can find out more about his past later in the story.
Alex(Deceased) - Alex is the 15 year old boy who alerted the people of Ardougne about Zen. He witnessed Zen's early murder when he was released. Alex quickly ran back to his dad's boat and sailed off to tell everyone. He is from Rellekka.
Lyon - The 15 year old ranging prodigy. He started archery in his early years. Once he reached 9 years old, his parents had been murdered. He continued his life on as a ranger, and gets better every day through training with monsters. He has a bit of an attitude and is a little grumpy at times. He is from Camelot.
Sherry - The tough, strong female warrior. She likes to take control, so she can get on people's nerves. She is from Ardougne.
Ashaki - The old Saradominist. He is excellent in the art of magic. His birthplace is unknown.
Avisiath - A Zamorak follower and a Zen admirer. He joined Zen on his quest to destroy RuneScape. His past is revealed in chapter 10 I suppose. Make sure you read the previous chapters just so you're up to date!
Melzar - A very powerful magician and necromancer, but necromancy is his forte. He uses ash from his victims to build lesser demons. He can control the lesser demons, and therefore, he's very hard to eliminate.
Kalex - One of the best runecrafters in all of RuneScape. The man is a little grumpy, but can be nice and understanding at times. He is from Draynor Village.
Egaru - The guard of the runecrafting guild. He's a bit confusing, but a very good magician and runecrafter. He's very good at non-combat spells, involving bind spells and much more.

[Close]


--------------------------------------------------
Prologue:

Lunar Isle, the graceful and peaceful island on the north-western part of Gielinor. Home to the enforcing Moonclan, the astral altar and an underground mine carrying many different ores, including rune essence. The day was cloudy, and it was still morning. The gloomy sheet of grey in the sky brought grim feelings to the inhabitants under it. It gave sort of an eerie feel, like something was going to be happen today.
And it was going to be big.

A casual-looking man walked through the northern Lunar Isle paths, ignoring the sleeping monsters. He wore a leather suit and chaps as pants. He stomped through on his leather boots, a pickaxe handle resting on his shoulder. He had a tan cavalier covering his short, brown hair. The man stopped as he reached a ladder, leading down into the ground. He climbed down the ladder, ending up in an underground mine. He gazed around for a moment to witness the beauty. His eyes came across an unfamiliar jumble of rocks along the sceneric part of the mine. The man walked over to it, lifting his hat a bit upwards to reveal a small bit of hair. He leaned over the wooden rail, examining the rock formation. There were no other kind of rocks like this. He tapped against the bulge, and a hollow sound buzzed in his ears. Something was in there.

The man lifted his pickaxe and began to slam it down like he was actually mining. In the thought of treasure might be waiting, he continued to slam it harder. A few moments later, a hole appeared. The man was unsteady for a second, but he found himself curious to see what was inside. He used his fingers and made the hole a little larger. As he was close enough, a beating green eye flashed at him. A light exploded from the hole and the man took a large number of steps back, blocking his eyes from the light. As the flash disappeared, he looked to see what was there. A mysterious figure dressed in a large, black trenchcoat stood there calmly. His hands were covered by his sleeves and his mouth was covered by the high collar of his coat. Around the coat of his body, the signs of runes appeared wonderously.

"What the hell...?" the gasping traveller muttered, his voice sounding hoarse.

"I'm- I'm... alive?" the figure asked himself, looking at his body. "I... feel so powerful. So much energy is in my body... but what?" He brought his finger up and pointed it at the man. The scared traveller dropped his pickaxe and began to run. The figure jabbed his finger forward. The man cried out as a hole was cut into the back of his neck, and blood sploshed out of the wound. He clutched both sides of his neck and blood still poured out of the creases between his fingers. The man landed on his knees, let go of his neck and fell to the ground, with a puddle of blood surrounding him.

The figure was calm, and ignored the dead body. He walked towards the ladder, stepping over the dead body that had just witnessed the power... of Zen.
Sryen
I seriously wish I had the work ethic you and other newer authors here seem to have. I could never update this fast.
hlow
QUOTE (Sryen @ Dec 14 2008, 10:25 AM) *
I seriously wish I had the work ethic you and other newer authors here seem to have. I could never update this fast.


Ha ha, I actually keep the ideas of books I'd like to write in a little notebook I have. It's useful to help store your memory.
Sryen
QUOTE (Halloween @ Dec 14 2008, 05:36 PM) *
QUOTE (Sryen @ Dec 14 2008, 10:25 AM) *
I seriously wish I had the work ethic you and other newer authors here seem to have. I could never update this fast.


Ha ha, I actually keep the ideas of books I'd like to write in a little notebook I have. It's useful to help store your memory.


In that sense I'm the same. I have all my ideas somewhere. I just have trouble getting these ideas into the form of a story, especially in a timely manner.
Luna
QUOTE (Sryen @ Dec 14 2008, 11:25 PM) *
I seriously wish I had the work ethic you and other newer authors here seem to have. I could never update this fast.


...I'm a new author? Interesting. But then again, I do the same as Halloween. No updates lately, though. I'm not posting for a while. No ideas, you see.
Sryen
QUOTE (Luna @ Dec 15 2008, 02:02 AM) *
QUOTE (Sryen @ Dec 14 2008, 11:25 PM) *
I seriously wish I had the work ethic you and other newer authors here seem to have. I could never update this fast.


...I'm a new author? Interesting.


I've been here for a long time.
Luna
Sadly, my story doesn't exist anymore. I've deleted it, so don't bother to check for updates, any of you. Anyway, great story idea, Halloween, and keep writing! (I've always wanted the optimist personality of you guys. You always seem so...happy and energetic. It's amazing what the computer can do to you.)
Fake
QUOTE (Luna @ Dec 16 2008, 07:53 AM) *
Sadly, my story doesn't exist anymore. I've deleted it, so don't bother to check for updates, any of you. Anyway, great story idea, Halloween, and keep writing! (I've always wanted the optimist personality of you guys. You always seem so...happy and energetic. It's amazing what the computer can do to you.)



Lol, truly, I hope you come back soon, as I wan't an installment!!!



~No, not real, just Fake.
hlow
Chapter 1:It's Beginning

The creature at Lunar Isle walked slowly passed the flax fields of Lunar Isle. The monsters behind him exploded, guts of green tumbled everywhere. He had just arrived at the city. A guard stood in front of him.
"Who are you?" The guard asked. "I don't remember you. How-"
The guard was interrupted by his whole body behind sliced in half. He didn't have time to scream. The monster walked passed the dead guard. He saw a woman running and he pointed his finger at her. She turned around and looked in terror.
"Don't kill me!" She pleaded. "I beg of you!"
Out of no where, she stopped. Her mind went blank. She froze, the tall mysterious creature stood in confusion. He noticed the woman's eyes turned into the colour of grey. Grey, not like smoke. Not like rocks, well not like normal rocks. Certain ones. Like, rune essence. Her eyes were in the colour of rune essence. The monster could not believe what happened. He had figured out how to harness his energy, to create slaves. He could make them do anything he wanted them to. It was perfect. He knew what had to happen.
The creature cracked a smile. An army would be made.
"Zen is here." The creature muttered his name to himself.
From behind a small shack, a scared boy, about 15, watched as Zen twirled the blank woman with his finger. He ran off, heading towards the sailing boats. His dad was at the docks.
~
Seth stood at the corner of Ardougne Square, just watching people pass and go. He noticed people looking at him at times, but they strolled along. Seth was wearing a black vest and a cute little black beret, that Seth surprisingly bought. He heard footsteps behind him. Seth looked over his shoulder.
"Hey Seth!" Derek exclaimed. He turned to Seth's front and looked up at his hat. "Whoa, what the hell is that?"
"It's a beret." Seth replied. "Am I not allowed to wear one?"
"No, it's just that you don't seem like the kind of per-"
"Yo." Synit walked up to the two brothers. He looked at Seth. "What's that on your head?"
"It's a beret." Derek pointed out.
"Yeah, am I not allowed to wear one?" Seth asked both of the boys.
"Wait, are you going to sell it?" Synit replied.
"No, it's mine!" Seth yelled.
"Well you look very ug- I mean, pleasant." Derek said.
Synit snickered. "You do look pleasant Seth!"
Derek and Synit laughed.
"Alright you giggling girls, it's just a beret." Seth said.
The two shut up.
Seth watched as the people walked passed. A man rushed behind Derek's back. Derek's trousers rustled.
Seth and Synit looked at Derek.
"Ugh, I hate this." Derek muttered. He turned around and looked at the boy's back. "Get back here you dirtbag!"
Derek ran for the boy, who really wasn't good at pickpocketing... Or running. Derek ran passed the people and clamped on the man's shoulder.
The man turned around. "Sorry." He held up his hand, but nothing was in it.
Derek was confused. "Give me whatever you took."
"Alright." The man then gave Derek a punch right into the nose.
Derek gave away his grip of the man's shoulder. The man ran passed the stalls and Derek followed.
Once again, he made his way through the people and clamped on the man's neck. He then took him down to the ground by tripping him.
"Cough out the money." Derek muttered at the man's ear.
"Ok, ok." The man handed Derek the money.
They both got up and the man ran off. Derek cleaned the dirt of his clothing and noticed Seth and Synit were in front of him.
"Alright." Seth said.
It was silent, but it was broken when a boy rushed over to the three men.
The boy was about 15 and he was surely exhausted. He was so tired, he went over to the first person he saw.
"Please, you have to help me!" He took a breath after each of his words. "Zen has come and he's on Lunar Isle. I didn't believe the myth, but it's true."
Seth and Derek looked at the boy. "What?" The two asked.
The boy took time to catch his breath.
"He's talking about Zen. He was buried under the rocks of the rune essence mines in Lunar Isle." Synit interrupted.
"What...?" Seth muttered.
"A long time ago, there was a man named Nez. He was Zen's brother, but he was good." Synit told the story. "The two were fighting all the time, one of their fights got their parents killed. That's how dangerous it was. The two were extremely good in magic, and always competed. One day, the two were fighting and Zen misfired his fire wave. It missed Nez and a small boy that was passing boy looked at the fire wave. It came directly at him and hit him, straight on. Nez became furious, Zen snickered. Nez was disgusted and mad, he took Zen to the rune essence mines and froze him there. And on and on, changes happen. Including abiotic matter that would obviously build up, such as rocks. They would pile up over Zen's frozen body, nobody would notice. It's just change that's happening."
"Why can't Nez seal him again?" Derek asked.
"Cause he's dead, he isn't immortal." Seth replied. "People die of old age."
"That's right." Synit added.
Derek muttered under his breath.
"Wait." Derek turned in the direction of the boy. "What do you want us to do about it?"
"I need you people to help!" The boy exclaimed.
"Why can't you ask some other people?"
"Because, nobody believes me."
"Well I believe you." Synit said.
"Then I believe you too." Seth replied.
"Wait." Derek interrupted. "Why is this so terrible? He's just a normal guy that's good in magic!"
"He's become a lot stronger!" The boy yelled at Derek. "Imagine, a guy that's skilled with runes, is placed into a rune essence mine. Which is used to create runes."
"You're saying he's been getting stronger because he was buried in there?" Synit said. "Of course."
"Exactly!" The boy yelled. "He's also learned how to use the energy to manipulate people. He can create an army!"
"Well, I'll take it." Seth said. "I'll help you."
"Sounds awesome- I mean." Derek said. "That's terrible." He said with a quieter voice while shaking his head.
The three looked at Synit.
"Umm." Synit moaned.
"He'll take it." Seth answered for Synit.
Synit frowned.
"How do we stop him?" Derek asked.
"Well, we'll need more than four people." The boy answered. "So you guys have to help me spread the word."
Derek cursed. Then he looked at the boy and went quiet.
Seth and Derek nodded. Synit nodded after.
The boy was about to take off when Derek asked him something. "What's your name?"
"Alex." The boy replied. He then ran off blurting the news.
Synit waited. "Why the hell did you tell them I want to join this?"
Seth looked at Synit. There was a long pause.
"Ok fine." Synit replied. I'm the one who told the story anyways. He thought to himself.
They all looked at the boy who was still running off. They could here faint yelling.
The three noticed the desire the boy had. They all smiled.

"I'm hungry." Derek broke the moment very well.
Fake
Lol, nice chapter, I enjoyed every second of it, hope for more.



~No, not real, just Fake.
hlow
Chapter 2: You're Supposed to Be Helping!

Zen made his way through town in Lunar Isle. Villagers ran away, but couldn't. Zen had already taken control of them.
"The moon clan will never let you do this Zen!" One villager yelled but was quickly taken over.
"The moon clan is already gone..." Zen put on a micheivous grin.
He continued on, a crowd followed him from behind. Like a bunch of mindless zombies, they followed with no emotion.
Zen was now in the middle of town. The streets were vacant, except the people who Zen controlled. A couple of leaves flew along.
"The rest must be sailing away..." Zen whispered to himself.
So, he headed off the docks.
People were trying to get into the boats, but it was too crowded. People pushed around to escape the nightmare that had become real.
Shouting, screaming and crying was all that was heard.
"Let me in! Let me in!"
"I don't wanna die!"
"Help us! Bring more boats!"
One boat wasn't massive enough for everyone. It was hard to notice who got into the boat.
"We have to hurry up!" The sailor announced. "Zen might be here."
From the back of the crowd, a villager stood pointing at the distant, horrifying sight. "Zen! Zen is here!"
Everyone looked over their shoulders and a man in a black trenchcoat, followed by dozens of people were sighted. The crowd screamed and tried to rush into the boat.
"Captain Edge! We have to get to Relleka now!" A sailor yelled in the cabin of the boat. "
"Right, start the ship right away." Captain Edge asserted.
"But there's a chance people will fall!" The sailor rebelled.
"I don't care!"
The sailor nodded, and started the boat. As soon as the people heard the vibration's they immediately jumped onto the boat. Some people hung on to the sides for dear lives. Some people fell, some people didn't get on at all. They just stayed, it was destiny. The ship took off. Everyone on the ship sighed, and wiped their faces.
The people still at the docks, they noticed Zen was gone.
"Where did he go?!" A villager examined his surroundings, but Zen wasn't there.
"He's gone!" Another villager put.
The crowd that hadn't made it onto the ship was safe, but the ship wasn't.
On the side of the boat, a large trenchcoated man looked out of the ship. Into the island he was once at. Nobody had noticed that he had gotten in. It wasn't too hard to see a crowd of mindless people walk in, but in the middle of them was Zen. A perfect plan.
He watched as the people back at Lunar Isle cheered. "They don't deserve to live." Zen pointed his finger at the crowd and they turned lightheaded and froze. There hands had gone down and they slouched. He guided them with his fingers and pulled them at the edge of the water. Zen then pulled down like the crowd was a fire alarm. The people dumped themselves into the water. Zen pushed his hand down even more. The people went under the water, Zen pushed down more and more. He stopped and continued to sight-see. When he got to Rellekka, it would start. He'd take control of everyone on the ship, and he'd have his revenge.
~
Seth, Derek and Synit were sitting on the grass at Ardougne Square. The day was bright and sunny. There were a couple of clouds, but it didn't ruin a thing. It was still the same day the boy came up to them.
The three were eating sandwiches. They stuffed them into their mouths.
Derek had just finished his third. Seth and Synit were done from their first.
"These sandwiches are delicious!" Derek shouted. "But... I'm full."
"Well that's a relief..." Seth murmured. "I wouldn't want an accident here..."
"What was that Seth?" Derek asked.
"Nothing, Derek." Seth replied.
Synit laughed.
Alex was asserting a group of men about Zen when he turned his head and noticed the three sitting down on the grass. He ignored the group of men and marched over to Seth, Derek and Synit.
"What do you guys think you're doing?" Alex roared. "A picnic?!"
The three looked at Alex with a bit of sarcastic frowning.
"Sorry." Derek was chewing on a biscuit.
"You guys have to help me! The end is near!" Alex yelped. The voice seemed too follow around their heads and into their ears.
The three nodded.
"Start at Rellekka, that's where the ships to Lunar Isle dock." Alex told them.
The three nodded again.
"Good luck." Alex then turned around and walked away.
Derek waited until Alex was gone. "Wow, what a spaz."
"I think we should help him." Seth said. "He's probably right. Right Synit?"
"Yeah..." Synit nodded slowly.
"We should go to Rellekka and alert the people."
"Ugh! Fine." Derek grunted.
"Well, it's final. We'll need a map and gear." Seth said. "We're going to Rellekka."
Fake
Oo, nice post, I actually wanted some action, but still, I loved every paragraph of it.

P.S. Your Prolouge doesn't count as your first chapter, so Right now your on chapter 2, do change that plox.


~No, not real, just Fake.
hlow
QUOTE (Fake @ Dec 29 2008, 01:24 PM) *
Oo, nice post, I actually wanted some action, but still, I loved every paragraph of it.

P.S. Your Prolouge doesn't count as your first chapter, so Right now your on chapter 2, do change that plox.


~No, not real, just Fake.


I know that, I just forgot to change the subtitle.

Sorry no action. tongue.gif
Just wait... smile.gif
hlow
This is a contribution to the story, therefore, it is not a double-post.

Chapter 3: The Ranging Prodigy, Lyon

"Alright, you guys ready?" Seth asked his two companions.
"Of course." Synit replied.
Derek nodded.
Synit looked at the map, he had bought from the eerie West Ardougne. The map was burnt from all sides and was dusty when they bought it.
The three stood at the North gate of Ardougne.
Synit followed his eyes up North. "Well, the map says that we have to up head North. We enter Seers Village, go North of Camelot and... Take the East path when we arrive at Sinclair Mansion... And keep going North from there."
"That sounds simple enough." Derek judged.
"Well, it's a long trip. It doesn't say anything about 'taking 5 steps forward' or anything like that." Synit added.
Seth and Derek nodded.
"Alright, let's go."
The three men carried backpacks and weapons. The backpack contained food and supplies they needed.
They continued their journey and reached passed the fishing guild.
"Man, why did this kid send us to a place so far?" Derek asked. They still continued to walk.
"You're tired already or something?" Seth asked.
"No." Derek answered.
"Let's just do this." Synit said.
Seth noticed a large building. He point his finger at it. "Whoa what is that?!"
The three turned their heads and ran towards it. It took a long time to reach the front because the building was so tall, but they managed to find it. The entrance was large and iron bars stood between the bars that hung them. Through the bars the men could see arrows flying about.
"What is this place...?" Derek whispered.
"This is the ranging guild." A man stood beside the gate.
The three looked at him, as if they just noticed he was there.
"It's where you can train your ranging skills. And even enter in an archery competition." The man said.
"Who are you?" Synit asked.
"I'm the doorman here. You need a decent archery skill to enter." The doorman looked at Seth, and shrieked.
"Don't move." Seth said. He was pointing an arrow at the man.
"Seth! What are you doing?!" Derek barked at him.
Seth let go of the bow string and the steel-tipped arrow flew through the wind. The doorman didn't turn his head but moved his eyes to see what happened. The arrow flew passed his cheek, and the doorman saw a faint piece of seeds from a dandelion get struck by the shining arrow. The dandelion seeds broke into pieces and blew away. The doorman froze.
Synit was eye-opened and jaw-opened. He gasped.
Derek laughed like crazy. "Seth! You missed!"
"No he didn't Derek." Synit smiled. "He hit exactly what he wanted to.
Seth still stood with his arms in the position he took to take the shot.
Moments later, he recovered and was gasping for air. "Damn... I'm good." He was relieved.
"Good job Seth, but now it's my turn." Synit grabbed a bow and an arrow from his backpack. He took five large steps back. He was on the other side of the path. The doorman was still frozen, his eyes were fixed on Synit. Everyones eyes were.
Synit let go of the string and the arrow flew passed the doorman's cheek again. With a crash, and a snapping sound, Synit smiled.
"Yes! I did it!" Synit yelled and ran back to meet with his group.
It was now Seth that was jaw-opened and eye-opened. The arrow had pierced through the middle of his arrow. It was now two arrows jumbled together.
"Wow Synit. That was amazing." Seth complimented.
"Thanks."
"Let's go in."
The three walked through the gates of the ranging guild. The doorman was way to shocked to notice that Derek had showed no skill whatsoever. They left the frozen doorman who fainted a few seconds later they entered.
Seth, Derek and Synit were fascinated by the ranging guild. The ranging guild had a fair amount of people so nobody could get hurt a lot by mishits and accidents.
The three saw the arrow targets and rushed towards them. They watched as a few people were lining up to shoot. There were two targets, so there were two lines.
"I wanna play!" Derek cheered.
"You can't play." Seth answered. "You're not good, and then people will wonder how you even got in."
"Fine!" Derek yelled.
"Stay here." Seth ordered.
Seth and Synit lined up. Luckily, the lines were even, and Seth and Synit would shoot at the same time. A boy, about 15 (which is eight years younger than the three of them) was up. Everyone thought, how did he even get in? Synit stood behind the boy and Seth watched the boy as well.
The boy took aim with his dark bow. His arrow was a dark, sharp-pointed, dragon arrow. The boy fired and the dragon arrow shined in the light. It hit smack in the middle. Everyone gasped.
That's when they noticed what the boy was wearing. He wore black dragon hide, body and chaps, trimmed. Spiky black vambraces covered his hands. On his left hand there was an archer's ring on his ring finger. The boy wore nothing on his head. The young ranger had black hair with bangs that went halfway down his eyes. Surprisingly, the boy wore the ring of fury around his neck.
As the boy lowered his bow, the crowd cheered.
Synit was astonished. "What's your name...?"
The boy turned around and looked at him. "Lyon. L-Y-O-N." He walked away to the back of the line.
The man in front of Seth had just missed the bullseye. It landed centimetres away from it.
"Nice try." Seth said to the man.
The man grunted and walked away.
"Alright Synit you ready?" Seth yelled beside him.
"When you are." Synit replied.
The two shot their arrows at the same time. To their amazement, they both hit the bullseye.
The went over to the target to get their arrows.
"Hey Seth. We could take that arrow kid with us." Synit whispered.
Seth froze. "What?! Are you crazy? He's only 15!" Seth whispered as well.
"Alex is 16, he's ready to take on the monster."
"He's 15." Seth corrected.
"Even better!"
"Well he's not doing any fighting is he?"
"You never know Seth."
"Ok fine! We'll ask him, if he says no then we don't take him."
Synit nodded.

Two angry men were waiting to shoot.
"Hurry up you too!"
"Come on we want to shoot!"
Seth and Synit went over to the side where Derek was.
"Did you see that kid?!" Derek shouted.
"Yeah we did. We want to bring him with us." Synit told the news.
"But he's only-"
"We'll ask him." Seth added.
"Alright." Derek replied. The three went over to the boy who was waiting in line. They stared at him.
"What do you want?" Lyon asked. He didn't feel like talking.
"Well, we want to bring you on our adventure." Seth said. "We're going to fight Zen."
"But we're going to have to tell-" Derek said but was quickly interrupted.
"We're going to fight Zen." Synit micmicked Seth. "Right Derek?"
Derek got the point and nodded.
"Great, I'm looking for a challenge." Lyon smiled. "But, if you guys are lying, I will have your heads, stuck on my bedroom by arrows."
The three nodded silently.
"Follow us." Synit said. The four walked out of the line and towards the gate.
"Wait shouldn't you tell your parents first?" Derek asked Lyon.
Lyon didn't reply fast. "I have no parents." He muttered.
"Well welcome to the club!" Derek yelled.
"Derek shut up!" Seth and Synit bellowed.
Derek stopped silently.
They reached the door and noticed the doorman was laying on the ground. Passerbyers simply thought he was sleeping.
"Am I the only one wondering why the doorman is sleeping?" Lyon looked at the others.
"Just keep walking." Seth muttered.
The three strolled along and ignored the laying man.
"So Lyon, how did you get your skills?" Seth asked.
"Well, my father was a ranger. He trained me so I could become a very skilled ranger." Lyon replied. "He began to train me when I was 5 years old. I took it very seriously. Then, at 9 years old, my parents were killed. I was set on my own, nobody had cared for me. I began to train myself. I came here in the ranging guild and entered the competition many times. I won lots of money and bought lots of ranging gear."
"Your dad must have been a great ranger." Synit was listening to the story.
"You should teach me archery!" Derek insisted.
Lyon didn't respond, but looked away. The group was arriving at a two path intersection. One led left, the other led right.
Synit stopped, so everyone else did.
He was looking at the map. "Guys. We can take a shortcut actually. If we take this left path, we'll go through McGrubor's Wood."
"Let's do it then." Seth replied. "Everyone OK?"
The rest of them nodded. They made their way up the trail and stopped at a wooden fence.
They all climbed over the fence and walked forward. They reached close to the centre of the place and heard something. Everyone did. A sound that was terribly scary. From behind, shouts of growls alarmed them. The four of them looked behind to see a terrible nightmare. Guard dogs leaped in front of them. Their teeth were sharp and dangerous.
The guard dogs growled at them and roared. The four froze in their positions.
Seth was on the verge of moving, but he had to let his companions know. He wanted to tell them quietly, but he was too terrified. No, he didn't want to run away.
"Attack!" Seth cried. The three of them ran while Synit closed his eyes.
If only animals could speak, they could talk it out with humans.
Buland
This is pretty good, pretty good! However, you have made the same mistake which Fake pointed out. This was supposed to be Chapter 3 since the Prologue isn't counted as a chapter. tongue.gif
hlow
QUOTE (Buland @ Dec 30 2008, 11:57 AM) *
This is pretty good, pretty good! However, you have made the same mistake which Fake pointed out. This was supposed to be Chapter 3 since the Prologue isn't counted as a chapter. tongue.gif


How could I have been so dumb? x.x

happy.gif
Fake
Awsome chapter, I loved every second of it, please make more as soon as you can, and who's that thinking about if animals could talk, Synit?



~No, not real, just Fake.
hlow
QUOTE (Fake @ Dec 30 2008, 01:15 PM) *
Awsome chapter, I loved every second of it, please make more as soon as you can, and who's that thinking about if animals could talk, Synit?



~No, not real, just Fake.


Nobody lols.
Just decided to add that on. It's italize so I can bring the line out.
If animals could speak, the same situation would happen, animals vs humans. xD
Fake
QUOTE (Halloween @ Dec 30 2008, 02:01 PM) *
QUOTE (Fake @ Dec 30 2008, 01:15 PM) *
Awsome chapter, I loved every second of it, please make more as soon as you can, and who's that thinking about if animals could talk, Synit?



~No, not real, just Fake.


Nobody lols.
Just decided to add that on. It's italize so I can bring the line out.
If animals could speak, the same situation would happen, animals vs humans. xD


Lol, new chapter plox?
hlow
Chapter 4: Clash

This is only one half of the chapter, I'll write the other chapter tomorrow.


The vicious canines surrounded the four, but were losing numbers as the humans knocked away some of the dogs. The men obviously had difficulty, when killing dogs. The couldn't stop thinking about the helpless, put to work dogs they were forced to murder.
They kicked and slashed away the animals. Blood slashed everywhere. The dogs were crying and some ran away. The uninjured ones stayed.
Seth stabbed a dog with a dagger, but paused as he saw the poor dog roll around in its in blood in pain. Synit still had his eyes closed, lucky him, he kicked a dog away and thrusted his two daggers in to two of them. Derek was obviously worried about the dogs, though he was reckless. He ran towards each one of them and stabbed them at the back. Lyon shot his arrow in to the dogs chest. He took another one from his pouch in his chaps and killed two more using the arrow as a pointed knife. There was one dog left, but quickly retreated in terror.
The four boys weren't gasping for breath, but more silent.
"Alright." Synit opened his eyes. "Let's go."
The four walked away from the twitching and crying dogs. It was a sad moment.

They jumped over the other side of the gate, each one of them forgot about the battle.
"Alright, so we just continue forward." Synit spoke looking at the map.
Everyone nodded.
"Anyone hurt?" Seth asked. Nobody answered. "Alright let's go."
The group continued their journey. They passed walked down a small hill and into a small woodland. They walked passed trees, which continuously got into their way.
"Let's stop here." Synit stopped. "I'm starving."
"Same here!" Derek hollered.
"Of course." Seth mumbled.
They all sat down into the prickly grass.
"Let me see if I got any food for Lyon." Seth rustled into his backpack and took out a sandwich. "Here, Lyon eat this." He handed Lyon the food.
"Thanks." Lyon nodded.
The four ate their lunches are rested. They were almost there.
~


Fake
Dude, I need to tell you about the crystal bow, you don't use Arrows for it, you already have 2500 magical arrows, once you run out, your bow turns into a seed, and you have to go to an elf to get it again. (just a breif discription) and can you buff up the weapons, I kinda want Synit to have dragon daggers.



~No, not real, just Fake.
hlow
QUOTE (Fake @ Dec 31 2008, 01:47 PM) *
Dude, I need to tell you about the crystal bow, you don't use Arrows for it, you already have 2500 magical arrows, once you run out, your bow turns into a seed, and you have to go to an elf to get it again. (just a breif discription) and can you buff up the weapons, I kinda want Synit to have dragon daggers.



~No, not real, just Fake.


Whoopsie, changed it to dark bow.

Haven't really played members in a long time. tongue.gif
Wackitty
awesome storry!!! im waitng for more!!!
hlow
Chapter 4: Clash (Second half)

Zen stood at the corner of the boat that carried the terrified villagers to Rellekka. The people had just settled in nicely, and were relieved that Zen was gone. Luckily nobody saw him through the circle of mindless zombies he controlled. He had his arms rested on to the side railing of the boat. He looked into the distance. Water stood in his way, the mixture of the clear blue sky and clear blue water seemed to mix together.
"Attention passengers!" A sailor from the boat stood at the deck on a block of wood. "We are almost arriving at Rellekka!"
The passengers didn't respond, half of them were sleeping on their companion's shoulders.
Zen noticed the lighthouse that shone around the water. He remembered the same lighthouse from before he was frozen. Rellekka was near.

The gang of four continued passed the trees. They had just finished their break and were on their way.
Synit pointed at a line of grey tarmac. "There's the Eastern path of Sinclair Mansion!" He shouted.
The others looked his way and followed Synit as he ran towards the path.
"Alright, so we just have to continue forward." Synit told them.
They continued, following the path that guided them. The path felt never ending and the group began to get tired. They arrived at a wooden bridge and stopped for water. They splashed the sparkling, pure water onto their faces.
"Alright." Seth announced. Water dripped down his face. "Let's keep going."
Synit and Lyon went over to Seth. Derek finished one more dose of fresh water and joined his friends. They strolled across the bridge and arrived in another dull, boring forested area. They continued forward. The men were very tired and stressed, despite that fact, they never gave up. The land began to get clear and grey. Dead trees surrounded them. They were all quiet.
"This is Fremennik Province." Synit said out of the blue. "It's known for being eerie like this."
Nobody responded.

The boat pushed through the water and towards the sighted island.
The sailor stepped on to the wooden bored on the ship again. "We're arriving at Rellekka's dock now. Please do not rush out."
It was time, the time when Zen would take control of the ship. He turned around, facing the crowd that surrounded him. He put out his hands and a red, blue aura surrounded the boat. The passengers, and including the captain in the cabin was frozen. The sailing crew was also frozen. Zen had successfully taken control of everyone on the boat. He smiled softly to himself.
"It's starting." Zen whispered.
The boat arrived at the docks.
A sailor on the docks walked up to the boat. "Hey! You!" The sailor looked towards the clueless sailor on the wooden board. "Is this the Lunar Isle ship?"
Zen noticed the dialogue and trickled his fingers.
The frozen crew member moved his mouth. "Yes. This is." The voice sounded like a golem, but it was still believable.
The crew on the docks began to tie the ropes on the boat to the wooden poles on the docks. Several wooden planks were bridged on to the boat. Zen brought his hands down to hide them. He moved them around and the passengers near the plank started across the wood.
"Welcome to Rellekka!" A sailor beside the plank greeted the blank people.

"Well guys!" Synit was at the front of the group, he turned around. "We've just arrived at Rellekka!"
The three others responded loudly.
"Finally!" Seth cried.
"UGH! I'm so tired! MY LEGS HURT!" Derek yelled.
Lyon responded with a sigh.
The four entered through into the wooden town.

Zen crossed aboard the wooden plank. He didn't care if the greeter noticed him as the monster he was warned about.

The sailor looked at Zen awkwardly, he greeted him softly. "Welcome to Rellekka..."
The man quickly crumpled to the ground as Zen looked back at him.
"Welcome to Rellekka." Zen mimicked.
Fake
Lol the aura thing is catching on (joking)

Just one thing, I don't think robots were around back then ('He sounded like a robot)

Nontheless, great chapter.



~No, not real, just Fake.
hlow
QUOTE (Fake @ Jan 2 2009, 12:21 AM) *
Lol the aura thing is catching on (joking)

Just one thing, I don't think robots were around back then ('He sounded like a robot)

Nontheless, great chapter.



~No, not real, just Fake.


Haha! Sorry!
Buland
I have something to cover you Halloween. The 'robots' of RuneScape are Golems. You write something on papyrus - I think huh.gif - using some sort of feather and then put it in the head of the Golem. That's kind of like the 'programming language' of the golem.
hlow
QUOTE (Buland @ Jan 2 2009, 08:59 AM) *
I have something to cover you Halloween. The 'robots' of RuneScape are Golems. You write something on papyrus - I think huh.gif - using some sort of feather and then put it in the head of the Golem. That's kind of like the 'programming language' of the golem.


A golem would be a nice add to my simile. tongue.gif
Fake
New chapter! NOW!

Yes, A golem could work, better than a robot though.



~No, not real, just Fake.
Buland
Yes we need that chapter for our survival! tongue.gif
Wackitty
Cool story! I am really looking forward to another chapter!
hlow
Well guys. You have to be patient.
I was lectured by my parents for being on the computer too long. (Mainly because of Sals)
Right now, they aren't home but could make it back any minute now.
Sorry! I'll try my best to get this updated!
Buland
QUOTE (Halloween @ Jan 3 2009, 08:07 PM) *
Well guys. You have to be patient.
I was lectured by my parents for being on the computer too long. (Mainly because of Sals)
Right now, they aren't home but could make it back any minute now.
Sorry! I'll try my best to get this updated!

You face the same problem as I do! laugh.gif

And I hope that you can safely post the chapter. smile.gif
hlow

Chapter 5: Crash and Burn

The four men stood at the centre of Rellekka. The villagers were very timid and shy, except for the stall owners of course. There were lots of fishing stalls. Silence broke out of the four men.
"We should probably tell people about Zen." Seth said, softly.
The others didn't respond. The town was so small and wooden. It felt awkward for some reason.
All of a sudden, out of no where, a scream was heard. The four were quickly alerted and looked around their surroundings. Towards the docks, Zen was taking a slow stroll towards them.
"No way!" Synit pointed at Zen, who saw the four.
"What the hell?! That's Zen?!" Seth looked up at the dark face, but couldn't be seen.
"Whoa." Derek stuttered."Th-this guy? W-we have to w-warn people about this guy?" Derek ran backwards but Seth managed to grab him by the shirt.
Lyon stood in astonishment. "Awesome. It's real."
Derek noticed the group of people behind him. "Who are those guys?" He pointed passed the monster.
"They're the people who he controls." Synit replied.
The three men watched as Zen crawled closer to them. A slick, dragon arrow was shot from Lyon's dark bow. It flew towards Zen, but passed him and hit one of the men behind him in the face. Zen looked at the squirming man with the arrow in his face, then back at Lyon. He pointed his finger towards him.
"Lyon you idiot!" Synit yelled and tackled clueless boy out of the way. The two were on the ground and out of Zen's way. "Get behind a stall you guys!" Synit ordered Seth and Derek, who ran behind one of the bait stalls.
"Why the hell did you push me for?" Lyon questioned Synit loudly.
"Don't get caught when he points his finger at you." Synit responded. "He'll take control of you."
Lyon grunted and held his dark bow. He took out another arrow and stood up. He peeked above the counter of the stall and shot. The dragon arrow flew towards Zen. It sliced through the air and directly towards his eye. The arrow made its way closer to Zen's flesh and stopped. The arrow froze in the air and fell to the ground moments later.
Lyon took cover behind the stall again. "How does he do that?!"
Synit didn't reply, but looked at Lyon with a sign of confusement.
Seth sat with his back against the wood of the stalls. "What do we do?!" Seth looked at Synit.
Synit looked above the stall.
Zen stopped in his tracks. "Get those guys. Keep the little one alive and bring him to me." Zen held his hand up and pointed towards the stalls. "Go."
The crowd of zombies rushed over towards the hiding men.
Synit saw the terror, it was like the zombie apocolypse. He looked at Seth.
Synit noticed Derek was gone. "Where's Derek?"
Seth looked behind him and shrugged. He peeked towards the side of the stall.
Derek was knocking away the minions Zen controlled. He swiped his rune sword he had purchased from a shop in Ardougne. The sword sliced through the flesh of the minions, it was a lot different then killing the poor dogs. Derek was jumping around thrusting and punching. The light-blue sword was covered in blood.
Lyon was smiling. He stood up and shot his dragon arrows. They flew towards the crowd and hit on in the chest. He ran into the battle and used his dark bow as a sword. He sliced at the crowd and shot arrows swiftly.
Synit looked at Seth. "Let's do this Seth."
Seth nodded back and the two ran side by side. They took out their swords and leaped into the battle.
Synit closed his eyes and moved his daggers around. He charged through a group of minions, who flew into the air with blood swirling around their bodies. He charged through another group of minions, they same reaction happened again. Synit continued fighting, he was fast, like a snake.
Seth raised his rune longsword that he had purchased with Derek and moved it around. The sword went through to bodies at the same time. He stuck it out and leaped towards another group. He spun around like a small tornado. The people around him flew backwards, surprised and hurt. He kicked away one person who tried to fight him. He sliced the other with his sword he attempted to attack him from the side. Seth roared as he crushed his sword down on to one man, who quickly fell to the ground.
Lyon managed to fight away the mindless people, while distracted at Synit fighting.
Lyon attacked, but spoke at the same time. "How do you fight like that Synit?"
Synit responded, still fighting and with his eyes closed. "I listen to the vibrations. I have very good hearing."
"That's amazing." Lyon paused, but it was a mistake he would regret.
A man had punched him smack into the face. Lyon was thrown backwards but was kicked in the back by another man. He fell the ground in pain. A group surrounded him and kicked the helpless teenager.
Seth noticed Lyon, but he had his hands full. Same with the others.
There was no way to help their young companion.
A woman stepped in to the battle field. "Sherry, to the rescue!" She announced and ran to fight away the crowd that surrounded Lyon.
The woman was about the same age as Seth, Derek and Synit, although she was one year younger. She had long brown hair that went down to the middle of her back. She wore steel armour, platelegs and platebody. She had a rune longsword which she used to stuff it into the heads of the minions.
She cleared away the group of people around Lyon.
"Who's that? I hear a voice!" Synit asked.
"It's some girl!" Seth yelled. The two still fought, while they talked.
The group continuously slashed the people away.
Zen was disappointed. "Retreat!" He called out.
The group immediately stopped and ran off towards Zen. They stopped when they got behind him.
He pointed his finger at Lyon, who was on the ground unconcious. Derek looked around. The woman he saw was resting, as well as Seth and Synit. He recalled the words Synit told Lyon, he had heard them faintly. A blue, red aura began to shine from Zen's finger. It soon, shot out of his fingers. Derek, who was breathless ran towards Lyon and stood in to the direction of the aura. Derek stood there. A blue, red aura surrounded his body. He felt the life being rushed out of him.
Sherry, the woman, looked at Derek. Synit was still on his knees, but saw Derek. Seth was off the ground running towards Derek. His eyes were filled with anger.
Synit reached out and grabbed on Seth's shoulder. "He'll get you both of you go in between."
"The boy is too young. He's got a life to live." Derek smiled and froze.
Silence broke out.
Zen shook his head. "Damn it! No matter, get over here." Zen ordered.
They watched as Derek ran towards Zen's side.
Seth's eyes were filled with fire, and also tears. He has always been with his brother. They stuck together during their lives, until now. Seth ran towards a stall and crushed his fist into the hard willow wood. The stall broke into pieces.
Sherry picked up Lyon and walked over to Seth and Synit. She carried her sword towards them. "Come on. Let's go. We have to leave."
They didn't ask who the woman was or anything. That question could be asked later.
Seth looked in the direction of Zen. He whispered a curse at him.
Zen smiled, and didn't follow them. Instead, he took another way, towards the lighthouse.

-30 minutes later-
Seth and Synit followed Sherry, not knowing where she led them.
"Where are we going?" Synit noticed it wasn't the way back to Ardougne.
"We're going to stay at the mountain camp. It's the closest place here." Sherry replied.
"Why can't we go to Ardougne?" Synit asked.
"That's probably where Zen is going." Sherry answered. "Don't worry, this young one named Alex is warning everyone."
"You've met Alex?" Synit asked.
"Yes." Sherry responded. "He told me to go here."
"He told us too." Synit said.
They stopped in the middle of a tree filled area.
"We'll stop here." Sherry told them. She rested Lyon onto a patch of grass.
They all sat down, and rummaged through their backpacks for food.
"So who are you guys?" She asked while eating a piece of bread.
"My name is Synit. My friend here, is Seth." Synit answered for Seth, who was frowning.
"What's wrong with him?" Sherry looked at Seth.
"The guy who Zen took control over was Derek, his brother."
"Ouch." Sherry felt sorry for Seth. "Don't worry. We'll get him back."
"You don't understand! If Zen is heading for Ardougne. People will kill Zen's minions." Seth broke out with anger. "My brother is one of them."
"Your brother is a good fighter..." Synit tried to cheer Seth up.
"Shut up!" Seth barked. "I will kill Zen. It's final."
Another round of silence broke out of them.
Fake
Nice chapter but a question please.

Does the Aura thing only work when you look at his fingers?
Cause then Synit is good.
Or does it work just when he points it at you?
Of which Synit is screwed, cause he fights with his eyes closed.

One more question, Is synit gets hit with one of the blasts of Aura, do both him and Sytin get transformed into evils? Or just Synit?



~No, not real, just Fake.
hlow
QUOTE (Fake @ Jan 3 2009, 01:56 PM) *
Nice chapter but a question please.

Does the Aura thing only work when you look at his fingers?
Cause then Synit is good.
Or does it work just when he points it at you?
Of which Synit is screwed, cause he fights with his eyes closed.

One more question, Is synit gets hit with one of the blasts of Aura, do both him and Sytin get transformed into evils? Or just Synit?



~No, not real, just Fake.

The aura is sent out from his finger and if you get hit with it, you're brainwashed. Yeah, Synit would be screwed.
Yes, Synit and Sytin do both get brainwashed. Maybe, Sytin would be strong enough to conquer it though.
Maybe he can wash his brain back, with a squeegee and a bucket of water. laughroll.gif
Fake
Lmao, hopefully Sytin is strong enough to conquer it. Until then Synit is screwed.



~No, not real, just Fake.
hlow
QUOTE (Fake @ Jan 3 2009, 02:08 PM) *
Lmao, hopefully Sytin is strong enough to conquer it. Until then Synit is screwed.



~No, not real, just Fake.


I'm not saying that it would happen. If it did, everyone who tries to fight him will be screwed. ph34r.gif
Fake
QUOTE (Halloween @ Jan 3 2009, 02:10 PM) *
QUOTE (Fake @ Jan 3 2009, 02:08 PM) *
Lmao, hopefully Sytin is strong enough to conquer it. Until then Synit is screwed.



~No, not real, just Fake.


I'm not saying that it would happen. If it did, everyone who tries to fight him will be screwed. ph34r.gif



Lol if they kill Synit and have to fight Sytin then they're screwed, hopefully they can free him and Derek if it happens.


~No, not real, just Fake.
hlow
QUOTE (Fake @ Jan 3 2009, 02:12 PM) *
QUOTE (Halloween @ Jan 3 2009, 02:10 PM) *
QUOTE (Fake @ Jan 3 2009, 02:08 PM) *
Lmao, hopefully Sytin is strong enough to conquer it. Until then Synit is screwed.



~No, not real, just Fake.


I'm not saying that it would happen. If it did, everyone who tries to fight him will be screwed. ph34r.gif



Lol if they kill Synit and have to fight Sytin then they're screwed, hopefully they can free him and Derek if it happens.


~No, not real, just Fake.


Well I'm not promising anything. aware.gif
Buland
Awesome new chapter! Waiting for the next! happy.gif
Fake
Lol trust me more do, maybe you should get someone to review it.



~No, not real, just Fake.
hlow
QUOTE (Fake @ Jan 4 2009, 01:17 PM) *
Lol trust me more do, maybe you should get someone to review it.



~No, not real, just Fake.

Maybe I should. I may get Finway to review it. tongue.gif
Fake
When Is a new chapter coming plox?
Finway might review it, send him a pm


~No, not real, just Fake.
hlow
QUOTE (Fake @ Jan 4 2009, 02:14 PM) *
When Is a new chapter coming plox?
Finway might review it, send him a pm


~No, not real, just Fake.

New chapter will be coming out, probably tomorrow. After I get home from school. Which is about 2:40, if I walk. Earlier if I get a ride.
But I'm probably going to be walking.

I will send him a PM.
Finway
Alright, here's my review. My apologies if it's a bit harsh.

First off, your spelling and grammar and pretty good, but you seem to use punctuation marks, especially commas, excessively. Try to limit this. Another thing I noticed was that there are several awkwardly worded sentences, such as this:
QUOTE
It also followed with a path down into some other ores, but he was here for the rune essence.

This is just one example. There also were some sentence fragments. I'd recommend that you run your story through a spell-checker, preferably Microsoft Word, to check for these mistakes.

Your characters seem to be pretty normal-their actions don't come too much as a surprise, but they are extremely overpowered. I mean, Lyon, a fifteen year old boy (the same age as me) has a very powerful dragon bow, an expensive robin hood hat, etc.? This is really unlikely. You may want to tone it down a lot. Since you're only on your fifth chapter, it's not too late to do it. Other than that, your characters also seem to fight like they've been bred and raised to do such, which, unless I'm mistaken, isn't the case. You may want to either offer an explanation for their fighting skills, or find some way to depict them not fighting very well. I personally would prefer the latter. Another problem I saw was the fact that you say the character's ages out of dialogue, but all of the rest of the characters seem to know it already.

You're depictions of battle scenes aren't too good, but at the same time I can't say they are bad. You write them out instead of just surpassing them altogether and saying something like "they fought," but you need to go into it a lot more. You also need to stop repeating words over and over again, particularly in action sequences where you tend to use the pronoun "he" excessively. You really need to avoid this. Replace "he" with the characters' name, or else use some words to describe them (for example, you could call them "the warrior" or "the excellent sword-fighter" or something-be creative). For actual battle scenes, you should right it down as if you're a few feet away from them and you're trying to describe it, or else imagine it as a movie that you're watching. Either of these ways will help you out I'm sure.

The plot is intriguing and interesting. I admire the unique plotline, although it seems a bit bland and over-simplified. All they do is walk to Relleka, fight Zen, and they're about to go hide in a mountain camp. It's clear that their goal is to slay Zen, so shouldn't they be following him? Also, wouldn't a battle with Zen, a powerful magician who is skilled in the arts of magic, be their last?

Overall, a unique story that I thought was enjoyable at times and a burden at others. Anyway, that's all for now. I'm hoping to see more soon! happy.gif
hlow
QUOTE (Finway @ Jan 4 2009, 05:06 PM) *
Alright, here's my review. My apologies if it's a bit harsh.

First off, your spelling and grammar and pretty good, but you seem to use punctuation marks, especially commas, excessively. Try to limit this. Another thing I noticed was that there are several awkwardly worded sentences, such as this:
QUOTE
It also followed with a path down into some other ores, but he was here for the rune essence.

This is just one example. There also were some sentence fragments. I'd recommend that you run your story through a spell-checker, preferably Microsoft Word, to check for these mistakes.

Your characters seem to be pretty normal-their actions don't come too much as a surprise, but they are extremely overpowered. I mean, Lyon, a fifteen year old boy (the same age as me) has a very powerful dragon bow, an expensive robin hood hat, etc.? This is really unlikely. You may want to tone it down a lot. Since you're only on your fifth chapter, it's not too late to do it. Other than that, your characters also seem to fight like they've been bred and raised to do such, which, unless I'm mistaken, isn't the case. You may want to either offer an explanation for their fighting skills, or find some way to depict them not fighting very well. I personally would prefer the latter. Another problem I saw was the fact that you say the character's ages out of dialogue, but all of the rest of the characters seem to know it already.

You're depictions of battle scenes aren't too good, but at the same time I can't say they are bad. You write them out instead of just surpassing them altogether and saying something like "they fought," but you need to go into it a lot more. You also need to stop repeating words over and over again, particularly in action sequences where you tend to use the pronoun "he" excessively. You really need to avoid this. Replace "he" with the characters' name, or else use some words to describe them (for example, you could call them "the warrior" or "the excellent sword-fighter" or something-be creative). For actual battle scenes, you should right it down as if you're a few feet away from them and you're trying to describe it, or else imagine it as a movie that you're watching. Either of these ways will help you out I'm sure.

The plot is intriguing and interesting. I admire the unique plotline, although it seems a bit bland and over-simplified. All they do is walk to Relleka, fight Zen, and they're about to go hide in a mountain camp. It's clear that their goal is to slay Zen, so shouldn't they be following him? Also, wouldn't a battle with Zen, a powerful magician who is skilled in the arts of magic, be their last?

Overall, a unique story that I thought was enjoyable at times and a burden at others. Anyway, that's all for now. I'm hoping to see more soon! happy.gif

Lots of constructive critism, but I can handle it. I don't regret requesting a review.
Yes, I do realise I use LOTS of commas. I think the sentence would be better like this:
"It also followed with a path that led into a section filled with different ores. The traveller was here for the rune essence though."

I will change Lyon and his robin hood hat, to something else. I might change is amulet of fury too. Though, I will leave the dark bow as is. The reason why that my characters are so very skilled in fighting is because, they've been alone for their lives. This causes them to become independant, which leads to challenges along the way. RuneScape, as you know, is filled with monsters. A simple walk through a forest could be interrupted with a fight with a zombie or giant spider.

I'm not too amazing with battle scenes either. Using other words, to replace the character is a good idea, I will use that. Imaging the battle as a movie is a good idea, it would make the battle very descriptive. I don't have a large vocabulary though. It might be a little hard, but I'll try. I do know I use 'he' A LOT. xd.gif Sorry about that!

Yes, I know they need to defeat Zen, but he is way too strong. It'd be nearly impossible, Zen posseses far beyond the power of a normal human. If they tried to fight him by themselves, they would easily die. They would have to escape, to find a solution to stop him. Sealed inside the rune essence for all those years gave him power, they'll need more than some swords to defeat him. I wouldn't want to so a lot about how to stop him. It might be considered as a spoiler. aware.gif
For that last sentence about my plot, I'm not going to say anything. unsure.gif Don't read that. Please, DON'T read that.

Thanks for the review Finway. I'll keep ALL of these things in mind. Thank god I didn't ask for a rating out of 10. I would've scored around 5 probably?
Anyways, I hope my readers don't think this review as an offensive reply.
Thanks again Finway. happy.gif









Finway
QUOTE (Halloween @ Jan 4 2009, 07:04 PM) *
I will change Lyon and his robin hood hat, to something else. I might change is amulet of fury too. Though, I will leave the dark bow as is. The reason why that my characters are so very skilled in fighting is because, they've been alone for their lives. This causes them to become independant, which leads to challenges along the way. RuneScape, as you know, is filled with monsters. A simple walk through a forest could be interrupted with a fight with a zombie or giant spider.

It's your choice, but I'd strongly recommend changing the dark bow. Also, if everybody was forced to fight monsters on an everyday basis, wouldn't great fighting skills be standardized thus becoming the norm?

Anyway, I'm very glad you took my review positively. happy.gif
Fake
QUOTE (Finway @ Jan 4 2009, 09:55 PM) *
QUOTE (Halloween @ Jan 4 2009, 07:04 PM) *
I will change Lyon and his robin hood hat, to something else. I might change is amulet of fury too. Though, I will leave the dark bow as is. The reason why that my characters are so very skilled in fighting is because, they've been alone for their lives. This causes them to become independant, which leads to challenges along the way. RuneScape, as you know, is filled with monsters. A simple walk through a forest could be interrupted with a fight with a zombie or giant spider.

It's your choice, but I'd strongly recommend changing the dark bow. Also, if everybody was forced to fight monsters on an everyday basis, wouldn't great fighting skills be standardized thus becoming the norm?

Anyway, I'm very glad you took my review positively. happy.gif


Yes, but most people have a family to depend on, and most people wouldn't need an adventourous life. You never see a level 2 man at the godwars dungeon tongue.gif



~No, not real, just Fake.
Finway
Uh-oh, Fake, you need to avoid numeral combat ratings since they make it sound like a game. laugh.gif[/helpful]
This is a "lo-fi" version of our main content. To view the full version with more information, formatting and images, please click here.
Invision Power Board © 2001-2009 Invision Power Services, Inc.