Winternights


Growing Up (Prologue):

In a family of seven, I was the smartest. Growing up in the brilliant town of Falador, then moving to the peaceful town of Rimmington, made me interested in travel. It was a family tradition to be interested in ships, travel, copters, or anything that traveled. But I was very interested.

At age six, I started helping my father build ships for traveling merchants. I would make the nicest, strongest, and most sturdy ships in Gielinor.

But after four years, on June seventeenth, a war broke out. Called...The Asgarnian Trample. I knew my father was a true warrior and wouldn’t let goblins take over Asgarnia. I prayed for him every night wishing him luck and safety. I always thought to myself: My father is my role model. Without him I couldn’t go far in this world. It was June eighteenth when the goblin tribe came to Rimmington, my father was ready. Three hours later, my father's friend came saying a very disappointing message."Your father...is dead." I couldn’t hear any more what he had to say. I ran to my room and cried my eyes out.

My life was never the same.


Chapter 1: Pete's Uncomfortable Laugh

After my father's tragic death I stopped building ships. I would stay in my room all day avoiding the fresh air and danger. When I reached sixteen, I left my wooden house, to explore the world one step at a time.

I first stopped at my old town of Falador. My old friends were gone, but the landscapes and buildings were the same. My favorite place in all of Falador was still run by its old owner, I hoped. Party Pete better be here. I walked close to the door, but not too close, I wondered of what to come.

"P-P-Party Pete? Are you here?" I asked waiting for a response. I took tiny steps looking around the huge pillar by the door. "Party Pete?" I heard rustling, again and again. Like bunnies rummaging in leaves or shrubs. I crossed my fingers and opened the door...

"Christopher!!! Long time no see my friend. What’s going on? Hey, before..." I cut him off.

"Pete, calm down. Now tell me what you were going to say...peacefully." Pete cleared his throat, and continued where he left off.

"I made an up a new joke. Ready?" I nodded. "A boy says to his father, "Father! It smells!" The father answers in a calm, but serious voice, "It smells like updog."

"Updog?" I asked, "What's that?"

"You'll see." Pete continued again. "The boy asked, What's up dog?" Pete snickered. "The dad says, nothing much². You?" Pete fell on the floor, tears streaming from his eyes, from the joke. I chuckled, very softly,since the joke wasn’t all that funny.

"Pete. Um...I'm going to visit Cassie at the shield shop. See you later." I slowly backed up, then ran the rest of the way, hoping Pete didn’t know that I was gone. I let out a sigh and continued my stroll through my childhood.
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²= Joke from Don’t Fear The Taker
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Chapter 2: The Return of Zamzak

I walked till I found a tree. Not any ordinary tree. I walked up to it examining it closely. There was a black, sticky substance around the trunk of the tree. Once I touched it a faint scream was heard. Followed by the blue sky turning black and the scream being louder.

"Huh? What the heck!!" An aurora of darkness circled around me. The day turned still. "Gaaaaaaaaa...." My eyes closed, I swerved, then fell to the ground with a thump. Blood pooled around me. I twitched then choked.

About 1 hour later...

When I finally woke up I rubbed my head thinking that the accident was a nightmare. As I sat up I realized I was in a room. A pink colored room with bunnies on the wallpaper. A girl wearing a red colored dress appeared in the room. She walked over to me with an ice bag in her hands. She spoke quietly to me.

"Are you okay? You were pretty knocked out back there. Here put this on your forehead." I took the ice bag and set it on my wounded forehead.

"I think I'm okay. Who are you and why am I here?" I moaned. The strange girl softly rubbed my stomach.

"I’m Raven. You were badly injured in the accident at Falador. Who are you?"

"I’m Christopher. One minute I was happy as a clam, the next I'm here. What happened and why?" I stared at Raven's beautiful blue eyes while I spoke.

Raven took a small sigh before answering my question. "Zamzak. I can't speak his profession or about him. I've heard a curse appears to anyone who talks about him."

I laughed. "Whatever." Raven's face had an angry expression as I laughed. A blue halo appeared in her hands.

"Now shut up!! That's serious okay! You should be happy I saved you and I haven’t heard on thank you!" She growled.

"I’m sorry. Um, thanks. A lot." I frowned.

"It's okay. You know what, um, I got to train for school. Do you want to train with me?" My face lit up.

"Training! Yes. Finally something good." I thought. I jumped out of bed realizing my sword was gone. "Raven. Where's my sword? If we want to defend against Zamzak..." Raven ran out the room then came back with a shiny, gold handled, warrior premium sword! "Wow. This sword is better than the rusty sword I used to carry."

I took the sword carefully in my hand, trying not to drop the rare item. I followed her to the training room, which was filled with training rings, extra supplies, training dummies, and lots other necessities. "Here?" I asked. She shook her head and went up the winding staircase.

"Here." She smiled.

Five cages were filled with demons, dragons, titans, dagannoths, and golems. They roared as we walked. "We're training on the demon first. I slowly walked over to the demon. Its blood red eyes stared at me as I walked towards it. The demon growled and tried to break his cuffs. Raven came over with a scaly staff and rubbed the ball that stood on it. She threw a wind spell at the demon, it growled louder.

The demon hated me though. I shot my arrow at the demon which hit his eye. A Zamorak symbol emerged in his eye as he tried to wrestle the cage with his bloodstained teeth. I fell down astonished and breathless.

Chapter 3: Zamzak strikes once more

After a while of training we heard a magical sound appear behind us. It sounded like gun shots. But Raven didnt stop training.

"Helloo? Raven didn't you hear that?" I pointed my sword where the shots were being heard.

"It's just Cromperty and..."

"Raven! There's no time for greetings. The Knights of Ardoungne want me to tell you that Zamzak is coming to Gielinor once more!"

I had a blank expression on my face as the wizard talked. "So we have to save Gielinor?" I asked. The wizard nodded and gave me a letter.'

"These are the steps to get into Zaligna. When you arrive, Delirith will be at the entrance. You'll need to fight him inable to continue. That's all I can tell you. Good luck." The wizard then disapeared.

I stared at the paper, still with my blank expression. "Im ready to go. Might as well do it now." I read the first step. "Stand on one foot." We both stood, I handed the note to Raven.

"Two, say the magic words written on the back of the paper." She turned the paper over.

"E Servido Plenias!" We both yelled. The force of the spell made us fall while we turned in the mist. When we arrived there were skulls, corpes, flames, and ruins scattered on the dirt. But no sign of Delirith. We both got up and shaked the dirt off our clothes.

"Looks like someone killed Delirith. Well lets go." Raven started walking past the entrance gate, that had skulls attached to it, she slowly peered around the huge boulder next to her. "C-C-Christopher. Come here." She studdered.

"What?" I whispered walking over to the boulder. A huge red demon walked towards us. "Delirith." I whispered.

Chapter 4: Just the beginning...

Delirith stopped to sniff the air. Me and Raven hoped the demon wouldnt sniff us out, as I smelled like sweat and Raven smelled like a sweet-smelling lavender breeze perfume. My leg twitched making the dirt push away from the huge rock.

"Sssh. The demon might find us." Raven slowly peered around the boulder, the creature headed straight for us with it's Niolad Sword pointed towards the boulder. I gulped.

"We need to fight. Isn't that why Cromperty sent us?" I whispered to Raven as I slowly got up. She nodded and got some arrows ready. "Okay, on three we jump over the boulder the fight okay?" Raven nodded. "One...Two...Three..." We jumped over the boulder, Delirith charged at us, running as fast as he could.

"Christopher! Attack the chest! I'll get the leg!" Raven yelled trying to get good aim of Delirith's huge legs. The demon tried to strike Raven at the neck but missed. Out of nowhere a light appeared. It blinded us, all we could see was a creature dragging us through the dirt.

"Nowone tresspasses in Zaligna. Especially kids like you." The creature roared and threw us in a strange looking cell. There was blood on the rails, carcasses scattered on the ground. It was a nightmare.

1 hour later

"Chris? Are you there?" Raven asked crawling on the dusty floor.

"Raven? Is that you?" I asked, sitting up.

"Yes. Yes, it's me Raven. Were are we?" She wondered. Our eyes lightened up, so we could see once more.

"It-it looks like some kind of jail." I crawled on the ground examining the carcasses. "We must of gotten kidnapped." Raven nodded. A footstepping sound was heard, then the creaking cound of opening a rusty jail cell entrance.

"Its time to go!" Someone yelled, throwing a rope down the entrance hole. "Climb the rope! Its time for your daily whipping."

"Huh?" The thing ordered us to come up again. He threatened us with poison snakes. I slowly climbed up and saw it was early morning. Raven followed me up.

"Follow me." The person ordered. He led us to a pavillion with 20 people in the crowd. The guy looked at his clipboard. "First up, Christopher Paladini." The crowd cheered and hooted. The man got is whip from the container near the whipping-station. I gulped.

"Bye Raven." I squinted my eyes as I got strapped on the whipping-station. The man struck my chest. "GAAAAAAH!" I yelled. The man whipped me again on my legs. "GAAAAAH!" I screamed. After 5 more strikes, he was done. I fell to the ground with a thump. Hands bleeding with scrapes, and bruises. Chest red and bleeding, legs and arms full of sores. I choked. "R-R-Raven. Good luck." I crawled on the ground, my blood trailing behind me. I cried in a corner as I rubbed my hurting legs.

"Chris!!! Do something!! I can't get whipped!!!" Raven yelled as the man strapped her on. She squirmed, trying to break lose of the metal chains. I ignored her. "Chrissssss!!!" She yelled again. I ignored her, as I knew they would whip me again if I tried to rescue someone.

"Time for your whipping, Miss. Raven" The man whispered, as he did some practice flicks with the bloody whip. I hid my eyes from the horrible scene.

"GAAAAAAH!!!" Raven yelled as the man whipped her arms. I burrowed my head in my hands, and covered my ears. "GAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!" Raven yelled again.

"Did Cromperty want this to happen?" I wondered. Raven appeared next to me before I could finish thinking. "Hi Rav-" The man appeared again, and ordered us back into the jail cell which felt colder than before we left.

"Chris. A-Are you okay?" Raven crawled next to me. I nodded. "This is probably the beginning of the horrible journey we're on" She said.

To be continued...

It is too short to make anything out of it, as of yet, but I see some mistakes, such as you say he was three when he started building ships, and the news of the Father's death shouldn't be italicized.

It acually is in italics. And...whats wrong with being 3 and building ships?

Maybe the fact that the toddler may not even be potty trained? He's talking, not saying something in his mind, so it shouldn't be italicized.

Oops, I misread your post sorry. It's because Christopher is experienced, since thats in his tradition.

Still three is too young to be building ships, I mean then he could be building bazookas when he was 10. But it's your story.

Okay then, I was kinda thinking about 3 being young too. Ill start on the 1st chapter.

Agreed, the text is way too short and not very descriptive, causing the story to move too fast. You may want to give descriptions about the protagonist and how your father had died.

Thats coming in the next chapter. The prologue was just a brief overview of the story.

I have a few things I'd like to say first and foremost. First off, you tend to overuse commas. Try reading through your story and spot all those superfluous commas. Another thing, remember to write out your numbers (instead of saying 4, which I still believe is awfully young, say four). And lastly, whenever somebody is talking or thinking, start a new paragraph.

Thanks a lot. With the paragraph thing. Your trying to say something like...

Lopy walked away thinking..."What shall I do?" He sat down and said to himself, "Lalalalalalala!!!" You would put a paragraph before and after What shall I do and Lalalala!!!?

The same person is talking, so you don't have to put a new paragraph, if someone else was talking, you'd make a new paragraph before, the quotes, and you'd only make another paragraph if someone else spoke after.

The bold part confused me with the whole "Yah..." thing. Other than that, you have several run-on sentences you should make into real sentences. I will be reading more and if you need any help, don't be afraid to PM me or something.

Thanks! A lot.

Chapter 2 is out!

I like the story, but I have a question who is Zamzak, do you mean Zamorak, or is this a totally different person?

The text which is bold and underlined is the edited text, correcting the few and minor mistakes.
As one can see from the above piece of text, you have a remarkable skill in writing. However, your minor grammatical and careless spelling mistakes are the two things which damage that skill. Try avoiding spelling errors in the near future and make sure to re-read your work at least once after finishing.

As it is the Prologue of your story, I can't find any flaw it has concerning the plot.

10/15


The text which is bold and underlined is the corrected text.
As one can see from the above piece of text your writing hasn't changed at all in terms of style. You did have some noticeable grammar and spelling mistakes however, that can be taken care of. At one part of the story, you switched from past to present tense, which is a mistake even I used to do. Avoid this as this can be critical for your story. In your story's case it should be past, since Christopher is narrating the whole thing. (You changed from past to present when typing, "Party Pete better be here". I've corrected it and italicised it)

13/15


The bold and underlined text is the corrected text.
As one can see from your second chapter, you're writing skill has slightly improved in terms of spelling, however, it has remained the same in terms of grammatical errors. Aside from that, this chapter seems to have several unrealistic traits. Firstly, when Christopher touched the tree, the sky turned black and there was a scream. That bit seems rushed. Secondly, you mentioned that Christopher was badly injured, but here I read he jumped out of his bed to go do some training. He can not, by any means, go and train, let alone jump out of his bed, if he was badly injured. Plus, if he was healed, then recovery is never quick. It takes its time. Thirdly, how on Gielinor did a young girl possess several demons and monsters of the sort and lock them in cages? Unless you mention it in chapter three how she did it, this point remains an issue.

Aside from the above issues, your plot has remained decent and steadfast. I can't say much about your storyline since the piece of literature has only just begun! Hopefully, after Chapter Three, I might be able to review your plot as well.

11.5/15

Rating of your story so far: 11.5/15


I do believe the name is Zamzak and, by what I've read, he seems to be having some sort of influence on the story. Lets read and find out!

Thanks for the cc! And yes, it's Zamzak. So Word was lying...o.o

Working on Chapter 3!

I am much anticipating chapter three.

Chapter 3 is kinda short, just a chapter about the war aganst Zamzak.

But it's done! =D

I like it, just a little short =P

Thanks a lot Smokey!