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Dr Skull
I'm currently working on a revised version of the story with the suggestions given to me. smile.gif

We were down two to one in soldiers, yet somehow we managed to tie with a score of one to one. They were more ruthless, more deadly, and definitely more experienced. I ran across the bridge in the center. Men were dying all around me. My weak stab did nothing to the opponents, and they just carried on ignoring me, thinking I was no threat to them. A whip tangled around my feet, and I was down on the floor. I was dead, but the gods must have greatly appreciated me, for I was soon respawning in the starting castle once again.

I ran down the stairs and out the door and charged at the enemy. Arrows were flying everywhere, and I was soon encased in ice. Unfrozen, I retreated. I sneaked along the stone wall, and, reaching the slippery stones, hopped across them, almost falling into the dreaded water. I slid across the wall once again, trying to remain in the shadows. Enemy soldiers were running past, but they didn't notice me. I slipped through the large open doors of the enemy's castle, and, ignoring the explosive potions and barricades just lying on the table, quickly climbed up the ladder.

I stopped dead in my tracks. Enemy soldiers were everywhere, but fortunately most of them were busy fighting with teammates of mine. Frantically I raced through the crowd dodging between clashing swords and arrows, and up the next set of stairs. Everyone must have been too busy fighting, allowing me to get through unhurt. Thankfully, there was no one on this next level of the castle, and I climbed up the stairs yet again. This time I found barricades everywhere except for two places: where I was standing and in the very center of the floor, where the prize was; this is what I had come for. Trying to destroy the barricades as quickly as possible and especially before anyone else came, I began to slash at them. It was a long process as my blunt sword barely did anything. I made a clear path from the staircase to my prize. After destroying the last barricade in my path, I grabbed what I had come for and departed.

I ran down the stairs from which I came from. There was no one here. All of the fighting must have ended. I saw no one as I scrambled down the next flight of stairs. This castle is deserted. I now had to traverse the dreaded stones once again. An arrow shot into my back just as I reached the first stone. Perhaps it isn't as deserted as I thought. I started to move faster, and by the time I was on the other side there were three arrows in my back, but with the encouragement of my team mates I forced myself on. I was slower now, but still moving. My strength was starting to slip away. The big doors to our castle opened in front of me and closed just behind me, forcing any following enemies out. Only one minute left. Would I make it? Halfway up the stairs I was encased in ice. Only sheer will could help me now. Barricades were blown to bits; my teammates were getting rid of the enemies, clearing my path. I reached the top and placed the enemy flag where ours was, and just in time. I was immediately whooshed away to the lobby. We had won the game of Castlewars two to one, and those two tickets were mine!



The original version of the story is in the spoiler.
Spoiler: Click to Toggle the Spoiler.
We were down two to one in soldiers, yet somehow we managed to tie with a score of one to one. They were more ruthless, more deadly, and definitely more experienced. I ran across the bridge in the center. Men were dying all around me. My weak stab did nothing to the opponents, and they just carried on ignoring me, thinking I was no threat to them. A whip tangled around my feet, and I was down on the floor. Soon I was back to where I started.

I ran down the stairs and out the door and charged at the enemy. Arrows were flying everywhere, and I was soon encased in ice. Unfrozen, I retreated. I sneaked along the wall, and, reaching the slippery stones, hopped across them, almost falling into the dreaded water. I slid across the wall once again, trying to remain in the shadows. Enemy soldiers were running past, but they didn't notice me. I slipped through the large open doors, and quickly climbed up the ladder.

I froze. Enemy soldiers were everywhere. Frantically I raced through the crowd and up the next set of stairs. Swords clashed around me as I did, however, and I almost got tangled in a whip, but jumped over it at the last second. I was able to dodge the magic spells shot at me by the mage in the corner. Thankfully, there was no one on this level of the castle, and I climbed up the stairs yet again. This time there were barricades all around, but in the center was the prize; what I had come for. Trying to destroy the barricades as quickly as possible, I began to slash at them. Eventually I broke through and grabbed the flag. I finally did it!

I ran down the stairs from which I came from. There was no one here. I was soon outside, and now I had to traverse the dreaded stones once again. An arrow shot into my back just as I reached the first stone. I started to move faster, and by the time I was on the other side there were five arrows in me, but that didn't slow me down. The big doors to our base opened in front of me and closed just behind me. Only one minute left. Would I make it? Halfway up the stairs I was encased in ice. I quickly used as many bandages as I could and continued up towards the top. Barricades were blown to bits; my teammates were getting rid of the enemies, clearing my path. I reached the top and placed the flag where ours was, and just in time. I was immediately whooshed away to the lobby. We had won the game of Castlewars two to one, and those two tickets were mine!

[Close]



This is my first story in a while here, so I hope you enjoy it. box.gif
All comments/questions are welcome. smile.gif
Fake
I don't mind the use of MSLAG here but it could have been done without it. He is continuously attacked by Arrows but for some reason they don't affect him. You don't display him as strong, so that's something you should change. I like the use of imagery, by the start of around the second Paragraph I knew you were talking about the arena of Castle Wars without actually stating you were in Castle Wars. A trait not shared by many. Overall it was an amusing read and thank you for bestowing it upon us.
Dr Skull
QUOTE (Fake @ May 24 2009, 05:34 PM) *
I don't mind the use of MSLAG here but it could have been done without it. He is continuously attacked by Arrows but for some reason they don't affect him. You don't display him as strong, so that's something you should change. I like the use of imagery, by the start of around the second Paragraph I knew you were talking about the arena of Castle Wars without actually stating you were in Castle Wars. A trait not shared by many. Overall it was an amusing read and thank you for bestowing it upon us.
Oh yes, that cursed MSLAG. What's that stand for again? tongue.gif
I suppose it would make sense for a weak character to be effected by multiple arrows. Perhaps I'll change that...
I'm glad I got the message across that it was Castle Wars without blatantly stating it. smile.gif

Thanks for your comments!
Aliath
I don't mind the MSLAG in this case.

It's a good short story, I haven't got much to say besides that.
Fake
QUOTE (President-Elect Skull @ May 24 2009, 06:40 PM) *
QUOTE (Fake @ May 24 2009, 05:34 PM) *
I don't mind the use of MSLAG here but it could have been done without it. He is continuously attacked by Arrows but for some reason they don't affect him. You don't display him as strong, so that's something you should change. I like the use of imagery, by the start of around the second Paragraph I knew you were talking about the arena of Castle Wars without actually stating you were in Castle Wars. A trait not shared by many. Overall it was an amusing read and thank you for bestowing it upon us.
Oh yes, that cursed MSLAG. What's that stand for again? tongue.gif
I suppose it would make sense for a weak character to be effected by multiple arrows. Perhaps I'll change that...
I'm glad I got the message across that it was Castle Wars without blatantly stating it. smile.gif

Thanks for your comments!

Oh dear that made me laugh. MSLAG means "Making it sound like a Game".

I believe he should be affected by the Arrows since you said that he was a weak character and no one noticed him. I like your participation in The section here, especially since it's going into a slump (Like the Economy tongue.gif). I hope to see you again.

The fact that he was able to get through the enemies with barley a scratch makes it Sound Like a Game, and the use of Bandages while wielding the flag makes it sound like that to. You should explain the battle scene better rather than just saying he got through without a scratch.

Lastly, I'm extremely happy you can take constructive Criticism unlike some people in the Storymat. (This is not intended towards anyone in anyway.)
Emanick
I'll probably post a longer comment later, but for the time being, let me just say that MSLAG stands for "Making it Sound Like A Game."
Fake
QUOTE (Emanick @ May 24 2009, 09:45 PM) *
I'll probably post a longer comment later, but for the time being, let me just say that MSLAG stands for "Making it Sound Like A Game."


I already covered that bleh.gif.

Knowing how you review stories the actual review might be longer than the story. laugh.gif
Emanick
QUOTE (Fake @ May 24 2009, 09:53 PM) *
QUOTE (Emanick @ May 24 2009, 09:45 PM) *
I'll probably post a longer comment later, but for the time being, let me just say that MSLAG stands for "Making it Sound Like A Game."


I already covered that bleh.gif.

Knowing how you review stories the actual review might be longer than the story. laugh.gif


Well, gosh golly gee, I posted three minutes after you did! What'd you expect me to say, something original? ohmy.gif

Okay, yeah...more C&C. Right. First of all, you cover most scenes far too quickly and with little detail. You go from one area to another in the blink of an eye, and that makes the battlefield seem very small, like a child's playground. The arrow wounds' insignificance are another problem, like Fake pointed out, but I like how realistically the whip at the beginning is portrayed (curling around the protagonist's legs and knocking him to the ground. The battle description is pretty good where there is some (aka the beginning), but overall the story takes you away from the action with annoying speed.

Sometimes, especially the beginning, it's not clear exactly where the protagonist is. How'd he get back to where he started? Did he die? If so, you need to say that. bleh.gif In most stories where the hero dies, it's an important enough event in the tale to actually mention! xd.gif

I have a few other minor complaints to make. The scenery is barely described and rather bland. There's also no characterization, although given the nature of the story I'm not sure that's necessary. You use the word "froze" both literally and figuratively, which is somewhat confusing.

Great vocabulary, though, and overall the tone is fun and altogether perfectly fine for a short story. If I point out more errors than good points, it's because good points are generally taken for granted. tongue.gif Good job!
Fake
QUOTE (Emanick @ May 25 2009, 11:29 AM) *
QUOTE (Fake @ May 24 2009, 09:53 PM) *
QUOTE (Emanick @ May 24 2009, 09:45 PM) *
I'll probably post a longer comment later, but for the time being, let me just say that MSLAG stands for "Making it Sound Like A Game."


I already covered that bleh.gif .

Knowing how you review stories the actual review might be longer than the story. laugh.gif


Well, gosh golly gee, I posted three minutes after you did! What'd you expect me to say, something original? ohmy.gif

Okay, yeah...more C&C. Right. First of all, you cover most scenes far too quickly and with little detail. You go from one area to another in the blink of an eye, and that makes the battlefield seem very small, like a child's playground. The arrow wounds' insignificance are another problem, like Fake pointed out, but I like how realistically the whip at the beginning is portrayed (curling around the protagonist's legs and knocking him to the ground. The battle description is pretty good where there is some (aka the beginning), but overall the story takes you away from the action with annoying speed.

Sometimes, especially the beginning, it's not clear exactly where the protagonist is. How'd he get back to where he started? Did he die? If so, you need to say that. bleh.gif In most stories where the hero dies, it's an important enough event in the tale to actually mention! xd.gif

I have a few other minor complaints to make. The scenery is barely described and rather bland. There's also no characterization, although given the nature of the story I'm not sure that's necessary. You use the word "froze" both literally and figuratively, which is somewhat confusing.

Great vocabulary, though, and overall the tone is fun and altogether perfectly fine for a short story. If I point out more errors than good points, it's because good points are generally taken for granted. tongue.gif Good job!

Well it's a game of Castle Wars and not really a whole life story, so unless something Extremely weird happens I doubt it'll change his personality. Or make any room for characterization.
And yes, I did expect you to post something original!
Dr Skull
I fixed up my story with the comments posted. The one thing I'm not sure I did too well was describing the surround area and scenery, but hopefully I got everything else. I hope it's much better now! biggrin.gif

Enjoy. ice.gif
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