Chapter One: Vincent's Farm

Pentuber 13th, 169 of the Fifth Age
Well, I was helping mom plant the corn seeds that I found while cutting willow trees. They look pretty fresh and will probably last a long time if those darn crows don't go after them again. I will probably have to put up a scarecrow. But, as a usually day the sun was out, birds were chirping and the smell of winter roses dying, always a nice smell. Their was something odd today thought out by the willow trees. While I was cutting down branches, I saw a small blue glowing pebble floating in a puddle next to me. I looked at it and bent down to pick it up but I heard voices coming from it, like people were trapped inside. I touched the pebble and it just disappeared into the puddle, like it vanished. Of course i'm nto telling anyone other then you journal, although it was weird. After that small little incident I got my branches and headed down the road nad guess who I ran into? Thast right, Lucas! You probably don't remember Lucas but he was my friend in teh Farming class I took, he told me how his life was going and he said he is almost a expert in Firemaking. I was shocked because all I had done in my life was become a expert at farming.

"Vincent! Vincent! It is time for dinner!" Vincent's mother called to him in a pleasant and warming voice.

"Okay mother!" Vincent called back to her, almost in a eager voice, or hungry.

I better go eat before she gets mad.
Vincent Omega

Chapter Two: Bandos's Orders

"But sir w-" The huge Orge started.
"Silence!" Bandos yelled across the open plains of Feldip Hill's.
"I want all of you to gather a army of brutal Ogres, Jogres, Mogres, Goblin's, and anything else that'll rise and destroy everything!" Bandos ordered. The crowd of Ogres standing before him start to chant his name.
"I, no, WE will raise! We will control this planet and everyone or thing on it!" Bandos cried a loud roar.
"Everyone will remember our name, they will remember what we went through to get here. They will bow down to us and beg for forgiveness. We will no longer be lower then everyone else!" Bandos cried as all the ogres slammed their swords and shields together crying out.
"Tonight we raise our army, tomorrow we prepare our army, and the next day......We Kill!!!!" Bandos cried as their roar's and screams ran along the Feldip Hills making the small snakes, monkeys, and birds scatter.
In a small bush about one mile away from the group of Ogre's laid a small Gnome recording this.
"Oh no, I must run back to the Stronghold and warn everyone." The gnome said startled and scared. He went to turn around and ran into a foot of a Jorge.
"Where he thin he go?" The Jorge asked another.
"Me no know, we go tell Lord and make this guy surfer!" The Jorge said and grabbed the Gnome and started dragging him towards the group. The gnome cried and tried to break free of their all-mighty grip but couldn't break it. A few momments of crying pasted as the gnome was slammed up against a bamboo wall with a sword to his neck.
"Lord, we no know what to do" The Jorge said as the Ogre played with the gnome.
"Kill him, and make another Gnome deliver him to the Stronghold." A Ogre said. The others started chanting for the idea.
"No! I will not have anyone finding out about this...." Bandos said thinking.
"Kill him." Bandos said as the Ogre sliced the Gnome's throat making blood squirt onto the on lookers.
"Let that be a warning to the Gnomes! WE have no fear!" Bandos cried with blood all over him.
Back at the outskirts of Draynor
"Mom!" Vincent cried bursting through the door with a log on fire in his hand.
"Oh my Guthix! Vincent put that down!" His mother said running over to him.
"Come on mom, Lucas told me how to make fire!" Vincent said laughing.
"Did he tell you how to put it out?" His father asked.
This made Vincent ponder for a minute. "No." He simply replied and dropped the log.
"Get a bucket of water!!" His mother said as Vincent ran to the back and grabbed a bucket and filled it up with water. He ran back into the room and put the fire out.
"That was close!" Vincent laughed.

Technicalities first:

The word 'usually' should be 'usual.' Also, after the word 'dying' you should put another phrase, such as 'was in the air.' It would help clarify the structure.

'nto' should be 'not.'

'Thast' should be 'that's', 'teh' should be 'the,' and the 'a' before 'expert' should be 'an.'
I'm not sure if those errors were intentional as he is writing in a journal, but since he didn't have a type writer or anything like it, typos aren't really the case.

Second off, the current date in Runescape is 11 Pentuber 169 of the Fifth Age, but you may be referring to another age (probably the Fourth Age). Now, onto the actual storyline. Being the first chapter, I can't really critique it much, but I say that we haven't seen many stories about Bandos here, and a new one would be greatly appreciated.

Hmm, I got confused right around where you started about the 'age' part so o_o
I'm writing Chapter 2 now

RuneScape's history is divided into five different ages, known as the First Age, Second Age, Third Age, Fourth Age, and Fifth Age, respectively. The Fifth Age is where the current gameplay takes place.

If you have a question about the Ages you can always ask Finway. He's an expert on RuneScape history.

He spends his free time looking historical facts about Runescape on fansites. I'm not even kidding.

I find out all my info about RuneScape history either on Sal's Or RuneScape Wiki. Forget RSOF!

I use Runescape Wiki, Sal's, and Zybez for actual content (the formermost pretty much embodies it all), but when I have a question on something that the article(s) contain(s) I go to the actual Runescape site for answers.

Okay, cool. I'm still thinking up Chapter 2, it'll be a long one

Alright, sounds good. I'll send you a PM with the needed info you requested.

Thanks a lot Finway!

I just sent you the PM, and if you have any more questions feel free to ask me or anyone else here. We're here to help.

Chapter two is out now XD

Good new chapter, it gives a new look on Bandos and his followers. However, there are some technical errors:

You should just put "we" in italics and make it not capitalized.

Typo, "teh" should be "the." Also, this all should be one paragraph, like this:

("Kill" should not be capitalized). You also repeat the verb "cried" three times. You should use a wider vocabulary, with words such as "shouted," "roared," "bellowed," etc.


"1" should be "one," "teh" should be "the" and "lays" should be "laid."

I suggest an exclamation point in the end of the first quotation. Also, remember that after dialogue you do not need to capitalize the word ("The" in this case) unless it's a name. So this...

...should be this:

Also, you shouldn't keep on saying the same words, such as "said" (and, as stated above, "cried"). You can use more descriptive words, such as "replied" "exclaimed," etc. Just let your vocabulary free.

The word "thin" should be "think."

One last mistake I found: you say Orge, Jorge, and Morge. The correct names are Ogre, Jogre, and Mogre. I think I gave you the wrong spellings, so if I did, my bad.

Now, onto the plot and characters. This story's main character is Vince, and a probable supporting character is Lucas. Although we don't have a huge insight to him as it is only the second chapter, the reader is starting to tell what the protaganist is like: he's wild, fiery (pun intended ), and an all-out crazy kid. Lucas is likely to be the same, as they are best friends and probably have a lot in common, naimly, their love of firemaking. Try to expand on this, and possibly make it into a large aspect of the story? It's up to you, my friend.

The actual story's theme is going to involve Bandos, so a good idea would be to make a lot of Bandos' creatures afraid of fire. That would definitely spice things up and make him a useful character in the possible wars that are to follow. Seeing it's only the second chapter, I can't critique a whoe lot more on the actual storyline, but you can count on me to be reading more!

aslo should be 'also'
shoul should be 'should'
Anyways, thanks for the tips and Chapter Three isn't done

Hey, hey, hey. My job is to critique, not to be critiqued.

Lol
I'm done with this story for now, check out my other one in 'The Library'

So you're no longer going to be updating this?!

If I'm mistaken, I recommend you change the date of the journal entry to a date like Pentuber 13th, 169 of the Fifth Age, because that's the current date in Runescape (or something like that).

Lol, Finway I meant I won't be working on this for 1-2 days
I'll be working on this in Notepad, not on Sal's after i'm done with Chapter 5 in Wasteland Survival Guide (Awesome series) i'll update this, and so on.

Oh alright, that makes sense.