W.O.R
Prolauge
Chapter one
No time to celebrate
Manslayersmi sat in the pub drinking on a ice cool ale. It tasted bad, normal ale was fantastic. But Manslayer had a problem. He and the entire runescape population were at war against lesser demons. Weak they may seem but they organized thereselves. Under some kind of queen. Then a door shot open, and his best friend, bensuper4, walked in. Mud on his face and bleeding from the arm, he looked overall happy. "How was it mate? " Manslayer asked.
" What do you want me to say? We walked in, bang couple of bolts, they down! " Cried ben, triumphantly. Bensuper4's squadron laughed, and Manslayer walked up and gave Bensuper a ale. " We will be serving together someday you know! said Bensuper4. Cocky as he was, Bensuper was mostly right. Suddenly screaming erupted, fires broke out and everyone in the pub shot up. " Right what was that" Piped the barman. Then the door flew open and a man said, " Demo-" A hand shot through the door and choked him. Everyone ran upstairs, flooding into rooms. Lesser demons were attacking. Manslayer and Bensuper took the room with the balcony, Manslayer was passed a rune crossbow with fifty bolts. He aimed at a demon and fired, the demon was hit and blood was sent over a wall. " Ben, Manslayer there getting in escape! " cried a squadmate before being punched by a demon. Bensuper cut a washing line and handed it to manslayer " Take it swing across! " cried Bensuper. Manslayer swung to the other side, but seen Ben trapped! Manslayer grabbed the line and tied a bolt to it, " Ben, catch! " Manslayer barked. Manslayer fired and the bolt hit the wall, ben collected it and swung across. Demons catched the line on its swing back " Oh just **** off! " cried ben. He searched in his bag and found a orange potion. Manslayer was confused, but the potion was threw and he knew what it was. Exploding on impact the lesser demons burned and the two warriors escaped.

Alright, first and foremost, the technicalities. As harsh as it seems, you have plenty, but that doesn't mean you can't improve.

For one thing, your spelling and grammar could use some revision. I've suggested MS Word and similar programs numerous times, and I really would urge you to run it through one of these programs. A few minutes could make a miracle. Another thing you consistently have flaws in is dialogue. Always remember to start a new paragraph when somebody speaks. That's extremely important, don't forget it!

One more thing with dialogue: you always had a space after the quotation marks (example: " Hi there! " should be "Hi there!"). Don't do this, as it's grammatically incorrect. Now, onto another aspect of your story: characters. Your two major characters, Manslayersmi and Bensuper4 have extremely awkward names that seriously MSLAG (makes it sound like a game). You need to take time to develop your characters with individual, unique names. This helps create a real universe that your writing about, and it definitely adds to the feel that this is not just some crazy gamers tale. I highly suggest you change or edit these names.

Your plot itself seems original and unique for the most part, but it still has it's flaws. A demon invasion and war against humankind is great, but why specifically lesser demons? Why not greater demons, or even the dark black demons? What about those who lead the demonkin, the fearless elder demons? Shouldn't they be involved, too? But don't worry, this can be changed extremely easily if you want to.

Seeing as it's the first chapter, that's about all I can critique on. Good luck with this story.

To begin with your story's plot-line is way too simple and the story itself doesn't explain it properly. You should have a good way to explain your story, regardless if it's revealed in the end. Your grammar and vocabulary weren't all that appropriate. I found a sufficient amount of grammatical and spelling errors, such as: a ice cool ale, a ale, prolauge,which is to spelt prologue and many more. You weren't aware of vowels. I suggest a grammar revision and a little bit on how to write a good story. Aside everything, you can easily improve your story if you just make it a bit more sober than what it actually is.

Even the simplest of plot-lines can be impoverished with just a little bit of detailed explanation through your characters' dialogues.

Rating of the chapter: 5.6/10

~Leon

Ok thanks for updating me, the next chapter will have a you tube trailer so watch out for my next part!

I'll be waiting.

Manslayer-Cam, I highly suggest that you fix or improve on your first chapter before continuing, it would really help avoid chronic mistakes and such.

Youtube is one word ;_;

Yup will do finway

i like it

Sorry guys the video is taking longer then i though it should be up in a couple of days/