And before you read it's my first story which ive come back to improve time and time again



The sudden glow of a streetlight showed that the day was turning into dusk, as it shed light on the path and made the shadows of the night dance against the wall. Only two boys witnessed the flickering lamp scatter light onto the cold, foggy night. The wind whistled through the trees, adding to the worry in their minds. The thought someone was following them chilled their spines in the already icy air. Michael set a glance over to Liam, a worried stare was all Liam needed to know, Michael needed reassurance. He needed telling that everything was going to be Ok, but Liam wasn’t a liar they had to protect what was upon their back at all costs.

A sudden hush set amongst them, the wind stopped howling through the rusty branches. The created silence was eerie and unforgettable. Heavy warn out breaths and the sound of their own clambering footsteps on the icy pavement were the only sounds in that misty backstreet alleyway. Little did they know that the only danger they faced was the exact same figure slowly making it's way towards them. The figures squinting eyes gave any onlooker the sense of hatred, it's ruffled grey hair greasy from nights of chasing its enemies through dense forests. The figure was infact just an old man, but not just any old man, everything he had worked for in life was in that package and he was set upon getting it back. The rusty axe he was holding twanged against the fence as he crossed through a shortcut so he could suprise the boys at the end of the alley.

As the old man and the boys drew closer together in that alley the still unbareable silence was amongst them. Michael and Liam still unable to hear anything other than the gag of trying to inhale the air through the fright of everthing which had happened. While Michael was looking at the crows gathering above them in the sky Liam was concentrating on the shadowy figure slowly emerging out of the gloom in that small back-street alley near home. Liam could barely even open his mouth before John; the man who had been following them towered over the terrified boys with the rusty tool. John’s urge for that package was now clear, he would do anything to get it back.

“Give me the package that is an order” John screamed at the boys.
“Never!” Michael shouted at the dissaranged old man. Liam’s heart flooded with emotion at Michael’s courage. Which was when Liam howled in fear as John moved his iron axe backwards and lurched it forwards with great force. Michaels face cowered as the axe moved forwards towards his head. Liam’s mind froze in time staring in fear as the axe smashed at Michaels head causing it to give way, the head of his friend blew out at the sides like a pumpkin. Blood flew at Liam’s face he ran away with tears sprawling down his face disapearring into the night...

To be continued?




or not.

This is a story i wrote a while ago (start of this year) and i came back to improve it. I have had quite a number of ideas for stories but before i write them id like to know how to improve on my writing style and grammar. Oh and by the war i change a lot of it on sals and my MS Word trials expired so i cant spell check So please excuse any spelling mistakes.

So yeah please give "CC"

I'll just rate the story cuz I'm just feeling a bit lazy to review but do expect one when the topic gets crowded.

Rating: 8.8 Great Job!

I have to say I kinda enjoyed reading your story!

I believe I'm just in time to post my review which I had created for my blog's Writing Spotlight series (I have some form of permission). Corrections to any mistakes I might have made are welcome.



Now when I first read through The Riddle, I was immediately hooked into it by the end of the first paragraph. Although this is not necessarily a bad thing, you, as a writer, should grab the reader's attention in the first or second sentencce (preferrably first). This is what writer's call, the Hook or the Hook Sentence. Basically explained, the Hook is meant to grab the reader's attention by the end of preferrable the first sentence of the introductory paragraph. That way, you've locked their attention and now all you have to worry about is writing and keeping their attention. Although The Riddle somewhat grabs hold of your attention and then slowly drags you through the first paragraph. This is another method of writing, although not successful if not executed properly. See here:



By the end of the first sentence, the writer introduces the setting and the general atmosphere in the piece. After reading the opening sentence, you're slowly tempted to read a bit more. It's almost as if there's an invisible hand on you, lingering and tugging you along until the end of the paragraph, which by then, you're attention is hooked as such. What Gonza Man has succeeded in here is how he contains himself in setting the scene, but instead slowly fades that out into the introducing the character's and their emotions and feelings. However, there are a few things in the paragraph that nags me. One of them is the fact that he states that dusk has come (first line). From there he goes off to say that it's night (third line). He's not being consistent with what he's said earlier on and this just confuses the reader. I'm certain that dusk can't turn into night in two minutes. Secondly, I want to point out a minor error in the usage of words in the fourth and fifth line.



The first three words in the sentence are missing one word that would make it flow much more easier and naturally. It's 'that'. Notice:



It flows with a much more fluid state than before. There's another thing in that sentence, and that's the use of 'already'. You needn't have to use the word already as you haven't stated that the air would turn icy anywhere in the paragraph. Edit:



Moving on to the fifth line, examine this sentence:



The very end of that sentence (a worried stare...reassurance) doesn't need a particular piece of punctuation. And that's the comma. If I take out something and throw something in there, observe:

Michael set a glance over to Liam who required only that worried stare to know that Michael needed reassurance.

In my opinion, that sentence flows much more freely and doesn't 'break' as such. And I achieved that only by moving some words over to the side and taking out those commas. If you've also noticed, I exchanged the first needed for another word (being required). What always nags me is the fact that some writers use the same word/s more than once in only one sentence. Try and experiment with other words to make your writing sound more vivid instead of you sounding like your vocabulary is limited. Now this doesn't apply for all words, but some and it's quite easy to pick out which ones.

Lastly, refrain from using the term 'ok' in your writing. Instead use the full and proper term, okay.

When you've finished that paragraph, already you know some things:
- Both of them are protecting something.
- The mood of the piece is nearing dark, yet in the mysterious and eerie zone.
- Liam appears to be the more mentally secured character compared to Michael.
- They're perhaps hiding or running from someone or something.

Moving onto the second paragraph (this'll be a lengthy entry):



There are a number of mistakes, both minute and notable that need pointing out (don't worry Gonza Man, it's your first story). First off, I'd like to emphasize on the comma in the first sentence. You don't need it, and you're somewhat truncating the development of the wind into a separate thing on its own (which I'm assuming you're trying to do with the use of howling). Watch:



Notice how I changed the sentence as to allow the wind freedom in its maturing to a separate thing. It makes your writing sound much more, can I say intellectual?

Secondly, the second line has an error in the word you used. People stumble over this obstacle all the time, I'm just pointing it out to you. You used warn ('warn out breaths'), instead of the proper term you're trying to go for which is worn. Warn is the act the staff here do if you don't follow the rules. Worn is something weathered and beaten into a used state. So it should be:



Another minor thing, exchange the first use of 'sound' (the sound of their own), for noise as you repeat sound again later on.

Now for the fourth line:



You don't need to use 'exact same' in there. Because you never mentioned the figure earlier on. When you say 'exact same' you're comparing one thing to another, and in this case, you're not comparing it to anything or anybody. So just scrap that 'exact same' bit from there.

Minor mistake here:



It should be figure's as its...well his eyes.



You shouldn't need to add in 'just an old man' there.

There's one more mistake in that paragraph and it's near the end where you state:



Have you looked up twanged in the dictionary ? 'cause to sound with a twang; "He twanged the guitar string"'. That's the general definition. And if I'm correct, axes can't twang except in a Bugs Bunny cartoon. So you just have to replace that word for another, such as vibrated.

You've succeeded in creating a climax here with the introduction of another character, being the 'villain' or antagonist. It reminds me of those horror movies with the old man being the villain and whatnot, so I think you've achieved in taking that common element and importing it into print.

Onto the third paragraph now:



First off: 'unbareable' should be 'unbearable'.

Next, we move onto examining the second line that carries into the third.



Now that's one long sentence. This is where you need to add in commas instead of taking them away. You've also misused gag in the sentence and it shouldn't even be there (you say later on that they're trying to inhale - which basically shows that they're 'gagging'). Here's me editing it:



One comma makes a difference, along with extracting some words here and there. Next sentence you make the same mistake again. If you read through a sentence (out loud) and are out of breath in the middle, or you have to take a breath somewhere - you need commas or any other piece of punctuation.



In the next sentence you need to add a comma somewhere due to you using ';'. Watch here:



Also, I don't like how you just suddenly introduce the man as being John. How do they know his name is John? Have they met him before? If so, why didn't you mention it? It's much too abrupt and stumbles the reader, causing them to ask the same questions I just did.

In the last sentence, you just need to add this...



Finally we reach the last paragraph here:



Firstly, you should combine that is into one word:



I also added a hyphen to signal that there's an explanation coming. Also, you need to end your speeches with punctuation (like you did later onwards).

You've also spelled disarranged wrong.

In the next two or so sentences, what you type gets very confusing.



The second sentence begins incorrectly because you're trying to connect it with its predecessor. It causes a lot of confusion and doesn't come out right. Look:



I took away 'which was when' because the two don't even link, they don't relate in any way.

With the next sentence, you need to phrase it right like this:



Shorter and easier to understand and read. Finishing the paragraph, you just need to phrase it correctly once more:



Now after reading the entire piece, you've done some good things and some bad. First off, I enjoy seeing the change of status in the end, with Michael being shown with the courage instead of Liam (who I assumed to be more mentally secure). That's good - transitions always keep the reader on their feet. However what let you, and myself, down, was the fact that the end was quite abrupt and the way you finished it was poor in my view. I don't enjoy seeing one of the main characters being killed just like that. There's no drama to it, we barely got to see inside him to get to know him and become immersed in him.

All in all, I'm going to give you a 5½ out of 10. What got you the 5 and a half was the fact that your general introduction was well executed and the setting described extremely well. What lost you the other 4 and a half marks was that the piece lacked proper punctuation (and punctuation in the right places), and the execution of the plot wasn't done as well as I had thought in the beginning.

But this is your first piece and a very well done piece if I might say so myself. Gonza Man, you've done an exceptional job for a first story and I can't wait to see if you have any other plots floating in your head, ready to burst into glorious rainbows of text. I have had an enjoyable time reviewing your piece and I sincerely hope I'll have an equally enjoyable time reviewing the pieces to come in the upcoming Writing Spotlight editions! Cheers for now!

Excelsior