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Redicaluss
Hey everybody, I've started to write a short story - it's a Christian Thriller. Please don't flame me for writing something like this - I would appreciate it if I could receive some CONSTRUCTIVE criticism, though. The premise shows the downfall of a supposed national Christian icon, and teaches a lesson at the end. In case anyone doesn't know - Proverbs 10:9 states that those who walk in the ways of the lord will walk securely, but those who work in the shadows will be shown as deceivers.

Proverbs 10:9


…It hurts.

His eyes and mouth were one, flinging themselves wide to create an expression of the most foul and gnarled kind. An impossible pain consumed his very being; his sanity was torn and sobered countless times over. His scarred and blistered throat managed to loose a pitiful shriek, which was extinguished immediately after passing his dry, split lips.

His lamentations were met with an ungodly laughter that had mocked thousands. His tormentor came into view, his wrangled frame shuddering with every slow step.

“How are you feeling today, James?” asked the nameless being.

“Please, let me rest!” begged the broken shadow of a man. “I cannot bear this any longer!” His captor said nothing, only lifting a hand in response. Instantly, James
felt the agony of a hundred blades sinking deep into his ragged body. With no voice left, he only managed a small series of whimpers and groans while he simply sagged in the shackles holding him upright.

“Ha! Must I remind you of your whereabouts?” The Tormenter sneered, with arms spread wide. “Hades is no vacation, my friend. You must know that eternal punishment in no way grants a reprieve. And considering who YOU are… Well, that merely warrants a little more attention from us…”

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

He had built an empire. His face was seen everywhere; his reputation was the definition of a luminary. His words influenced millions. He had written over 10 books, all of which were bestsellers. However, even all of this magnificence could not even shadow that of the splendor of James Harlan’s Sunday services. Those weekly extravaganzas attracted thousands of thrill-seeking believers. With electrifying worship services and unprecedented sermon issues, Harlan truly did bring back the jovial attitude of worship. If there was a Mecca of Christianity, Calvary Rebirth Church was it. If there was ever a man that could be called the leader of the Christians, the good Reverend was the man.

“And as stated in the holy book of Proverbs, those who live the life of integrity will enjoy a life of stability! Can I get a witness?” As expected, this Sunday was no different – James Harlan was in top form. He smiled as an overwhelming torrent of “yes!” and “amen!” enveloped the gargantuan sanctuary. He basked in such a response, and could almost taste the gratification that washed over him. The pandemonium only grew stronger as time went on, ending in a standing ovation that rivaled battlefields in terms of commotion.

The applause only began to abate when Harlan strode confidently away from the opulent marbled pulpit. His spirit burst with thoughts and feelings: from accomplishment to pride to joy, and the list increased with every step. As soon as he reached backstage, he was assailed with whoots, whistles, and clapping – all the more proof of another great message. He entered the Green room and scanned its occupants, searching for one particular person. He found who he was looking for near the back of the room – a tall, confident looking man in his mid thirties speaking to two beautiful women about the same age. James instantly had a grin on his face as he jogged towards them.

“Mike, great show today, eh?” James said, teasingly punching his friend in the shoulder. “You always know just the right thing to do to bring the Lord glory. But then again, with over 20 years of practice, I would expect that type of prowess from the Worship Director.”

Michael Klyson had been Harlan’s friend for over 3 decades. Ever since their first meeting in an 8th grade drama production, they hadn’t left each other’s side for anything. With James’ captivating oratorical ability to rule the stage and Michael’s prodigious musical and performing arts ability, they had become the perfect pair. They went to the same high school, attended the same college, and once Harlan had completed his seminary studies, they had founded their church in the auxiliary gymnasium in the Richmond Family YMCA. It was a long road from there, separating themselves from the torrent of new churches and paying for the rent with menial part time jobs the way. After their humble beginning, they moved from schools to strip malls to auditoriums until slowly but surely, they achieved their dream – to build a church on the historic Boulevard in Richmond, Virginia. Their combination of energizing praises to the Most High and progressive, enterprising theological journeys proved to be a perfect formula for their ministerial aspirations. Within merely 25 years, they had created a haven for all who call themselves God’s children.
Grimm
I was immediately drawn to this by the title mind you.

I've actually never of this James Harlan and am quite interested in him.

I've chosen to review this for my Writing Spotlight series in my blog and will post said review later on once completed. But firstly I must point out of the fact that the usage of Hades in the text doesn't fit with the theme at all. Hell is the usual global replacement for such words in the Modern Day and considering the fact that this is a Christian Thriller, Hell would suffice to the theme more (even if the Tormentor is not a Christian).

But still, it's an interesting read. I was actually planning to do some Christian themed pieces and release them in the near future but it seems you've beat me to it biggrin.gif .
Chupado
That was interesting and well written. Just make sure to clean it up and get rid of the small mistakes. Other than that, good
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