Bounties's of War
A new novel by Squiggle.
Note the world of Brijadia is wide and vast and that their are hundreds of names and objects within it's realms. So for handy reference, scroll down to the bottom of each chapter where a brief description of each term is listed.
Chapter 1

It was night. The stars twinkled over the huge city of Rickendorth illuminating up the deserted streets. It was midnight and the immense clock tower struck twelve, it’s ringing echoing through the massive city. Two figures gathered by a hut, a badly lit lamp hovered above them. One of them wore a black eye patch and a long scar covered his left cheek. He had black hair which seemed to look like worms, struggling to escape his scalp but not succeeding. The other man however wore a purple robe and a white silk collar and it was too big for him while on his feet were leather boots. The robed man was quite pale whilst the eye patch man was tanned and spoke in a foreign dialect.

The tanned one broke the silence.

‘I am assuming you have the item?’

The pale one looked worried and not wanting to reveal his voice, nodded in confirmation. The pale one dug into his robes and pulled out a single piece of paper, yellowed with age while the tanned man pulled out a pouch.

‘Five thousand rupees.’ said the tanned man, gesturing to the pouch.

Cautiously, the pale one handed over the paper to the tanned man. The man took it and gazed at it, his eyes widening in amazement. He gave the pale man the pouch, turned on his heel and walked hastily round the corner. The pale one sniffed and opened the pouch, counting the small currency. Indeed, there were five thousand rupees. Not bad for a few months work he thought as the pale man started to wander off.

The man winced as the strong night wind hit his face, causing him to grunt in discomfort. He looked up at the full moon and for a few seconds, was slightly awed by its presence. But then he came to his sense and looked at the gravelly ground below him. He thought he saw a shadow pass over the roof of a nearby inn and hesitated to walk further on. He thought about seeking refuge in the nearby inn but shrugged it off. He continued to walk but again he was interrupted by another loud and abrupt sound, a bucket falling over. The pale man was getting worried now.

Was it possible that the tanned man would kill him? No, he had given him the map and he had received his fair trade, no need to be paranoid. He smiled at his own foolishness and continued, a false smile creased against his pale face. But the smile was soon wiped away like a window cleaner cleaning a window, as another shadow loomed over a nearby alleyway.
The man swore and started to sprint. A muffled curse emitted from the alley and the pale man ran as fast as possible. A single rock jutted out of the cracked gravel on the road below and the pale mans leather boot collided into it. He was caught off balance and twisted round, falling to the ground. He screamed out in agony and clutched his ankle, vainly. He screamed for help but none came as the peaceful residents of Rickendorth slept on. The man gulped and started to moan in pain. It’s broken, he managed to think but it was difficult since pain circled his consciousness like a rabid wolf fighting another rabid wolf. Then, the man felt a clamp on his silk collar and another clamp on his mouth. Looking down at his mouth, sweat dripping down his brow and panic in his brown eyes, he saw a single purple glove. He then felt his throat cut and his vision fade. A hooded figure stood in front of him holding a scythe. Death was waiting.

‘Gods above.’ exclaimed Ryox as he opened the pouch revealing five thousand rupees. He closed it and shoved it in his pocket, and continued to probe the targets body. That had been a bad assignment. He had spooked the guy by hitting that blasted bucket, not to mention his pesky shadow intervening. However, the deed was done he thought, and nothing else mattered. Ryox was accustomed to bringing back evidence of his kill and with one lift of his broadsword, decapitated the man’s head, its brown unblinking eyes staring back at him. He ignored it and shoved it into his rucksack and set off for the palace.

The palace was a grand spectacle indeed. A huge lawn spread across the front, a single fountain made out of pure, raw gold and silver trimming was erected in the middle, spurting out ice cold water. The king wouldn’t be asleep; he had too many responsibilities to slumber so there were no concerns there. Ryox walked up to the fountain and admired his own appearance. Thin, purple dreadlocks fell down his head and to his shoulders, his broad muscles and six-pack made his build massive. He wore exquisite leather, made out of the hide of R’pok. *1 His nose was wide and his lips broad, his teeth gnarled yet clean and his face tanned after years of bounty hunting in the desert lands of Groth.*2 Gazing away at the fountain, he looked up at the tall steeples that seemed to spiral upwards and into the wispy clouds above. The city’s famed clock tower was a dull spectacle but was mainly visited for it being the tallest structure in Bridjadia by tourists and foreigners alike. The guards allowed Ryox as in as he was a man of the king and allowed in. Inside the castle’s entrance was a wide marble staircase that was long in width but short in height, a red Opoco *3 lizard strewn across the floor. Vases and paintings from the seventh millennia adorned the walls and gave the place grandeur feel.
Ryox headed towards the throne room and pushed the long oak door, open. Peeking in, he let himself in and greeted the king.

‘Greetings Ryox, I assume that our little...’ he hesitated and continued. ‘Friend, is taken care of?’

Ryox said nothing but pulled out the head as proof of his victory. The king winced at the sight and ordered a slave dressed in rags to escort it away.

‘May I ask my lord, why you need one of your own people murdered.’ curiosity getting the better of Ryox.

The king chuckled menacingly.

‘Nay Ryox, the individual of which you speak stole an important possession of mine. A map which reveals the whereabouts of the caves of Trinium.’

‘Trinium?’ asked Ryox, confused. ‘I have not heard of such a thing.’

‘Nay, we kept it a secret. But believe me, when used in the wrong hands, it can be a very powerful weapon.’ said the King.
He leaned in his chair, eyes wide.

‘A very powerful thing.’ he repeated, slowly.

The thought sent shivers through Ryox’s huge frame and into the essence of his soul.

*1- A huge beast with the talons the size of full grown Rams.
*2- The wide, sandy lands of Brijadia's equator.
*3- A lizard type thing that lives in the southern regions of Groth.

Chapter two

It had been three days since the King had told Ryox of the Trinium. Currently, Ryox was sitting in a bar chatting loudly to the other patrons about his adventures and misdeeds. For a Bounty Hunter, he was quite charismatic. The room vibrated with liveliness and the pulse of the party was like a roaring fire that was out of control. But then, an immense crash burst through the air and throughout the room silencing the lively crowd. Four guards stepped over the door and walked up to Ryox. Ryox eyes widened in panic and he reached for his blade. The guard wearing a chainmail with gold trimming was the first to break the eerie silence of the room.

‘Ryox, the majesty needs to see you, urgent business.’ exclaimed the guard. Behind him people started to dance but with less spontaneity.

Ryox grabbed his mug of ale and swigged it down in one. He bid his friends farewell and followed the four guards out of the inn.

‘This is a disaster of proportions not big enough to describe,’ shouted the king to himself, not directing his rant towards anyone in particular but still he ranted.

‘The Furdens *1 got the Trinium map and now their using our own weapon against us. ‘

Ryox interrupted.

‘How do you know this my lord?’

The king sighed.

‘A few foolish adventurers decided to look for the famed Holy Grail and got blown to little pieces by a handily placed speck of Trinium. And the ones responsible for this...outrage are the Furdans.’

Ryox shuffled in his seat, his shoulders high and legs hunched up against the chair legs.

‘I do not mean to offend my lord, but I am but a humble Bounty Hunter. Why do you inform me of such...important matters?’

The king looked at Ryox with a surprised glare.

‘Ryox, I thought you were intelligent. We’re going to war with the Furdans and you’ll be on the front row.’

Ryox stood in the same very inn he had been ushered in earlier that evening. He was still shocked that the King would send him to war. His prime expertise would be stealth and evasion not charging to the front line. It was common knowledge that the first few lines of a battle would be wiped out in a couple of seconds. Even his immense muscles wouldn’t save him from a barrage of arrows. Well, the Furdans were foreign so maybe their arrows were made out of cake or something but he doubted it. Ryox heard a scraping from the window and reached for his blade, yanking it out of its holster. Paranoia was one of Ryox’s negative virtues but it turned out good sometimes.

Walking over to the window, Ryox slowly peered downwards half expecting something to pop up. But after a few seconds the only mildly thing that occurred was some beggar getting hit by a loose bit of drainpipe. Ryox turned away and his reflexes took over. A man in black robes with a small slit over his eyes enabling him to see was behind him, katana held over his head with two hands. Ryox dived gracefully to the side, smashing a bedside cabinet with his immense weight. A lit lantern fell on Ryox’s head causing him to let out a little squeal of pain. The man with the katana watched Ryox’s agility in awe and didn’t look at his own weapon. The katana smashed into the window with force causing Ryox and its wielder to jump. Ryox eyes whirred around the room, looking for a weapon to use. The only thing was a holy book placed on the bed. Shrugging, Ryox picked it up and threw it at the black robed person. Wait a minute, Ryox thought. He’s a ninja...why is a ninja trying to kill me!?! But before he could answer his rhetorical question, he had to dive sideways again. Another clumsy katana strike struck through the lit lantern causing fiery sparks to jump on the oak furniture. A small fire started to develop round the room. Ryox and the ninja swore in unison.

Ryox grabbed his blade and lunged at the ninja. The ninja threw his katana that gleamed in the fiery light, upwards and blocked his attack causing Ryox to stagger backwards off balance. The ninja’s screamed a muffled war cry and swung the katana sideways and tried to aim it so that it would chop off Ryox’s spiked shoes. Ryox’s superior impulses went to work and he leaped upwards, both feet as high as his huge chest. The ninja stared upwards; his gentle eyes stared up in shocked horror. Clumsily, Ryox stuck out a huge leg that connected to the chin of the ninja. A muffled scream, he flew into the fire, through the window and to his death in the gravely street below. The ninja groaned he was barely alive; his left hand twisted backwards, a katana in his backside. But if he just crawled that way, maybe he would get to...

The drainpipe creaked.

‘’Damn.’’ uttered the ninja.

The drainpipe refuge fell onto his brow.

The ninja died.

Ryox was stuck in the fiery room. Fire engulfing him in some sort of satanic circle, Ryox was very very worried.
‘’Oh dear.’’ he said weakly as the fire started to grow closer.


*1 A foreign country that refused to grant Rickendorth the contract to the West Furdinia hard biscuit factory. A secret feud between the two has been present since that day.

Not really enough here to judge yet, but so far it looks like it's going in a good direction. The title, though, sounds a bit, well, kinky...

Yah, I'll change that
I'm currently re-writing this and we'll have Chapter two along with chapter one.

Okay, great! I'm pumped!

A rather interesting beginning to the story you have in mind. To get onto commenting it, I must note that the numerous alien nouns you use (Rickendorth, Brijadia, Trinium, Ryox) confuses me and grabs my attention, drawing me away from focusing on the plot and scene. Try and spread out the use of these nouns and limit yourself to the foreign words you intend to use.

Also I'm unsure as to whether you're choosing to use apostrophes instead of quotation marks on purpose, or whether it's an accidental mistake (as you use a quotation mark at the end of a sentence before swapping back to the apostrophes). Moving onto here:



You repeat man twice and that causes the reader to stumble and back-track, checking on who is the receiver and the giver. Try replacing the second man with 'figure' and carry on from there.



You've repeated that mistake throughout the piece and I'm lost as to figuring out which 'man' you're referring to. Avoid the excessive repetition lad.



That speech section is rather truncated, and you could do without the numerous full stops. It also doesn't make much sense when said out loud. If you observe:



I've just changed it slightly and noted that some elaboration would help. Also you shouldn't have the full stop at the end of that section seeing as you have:



...after it. All you need is a comma or, you can scrap the 'uttered the man' part and continue with the full stop.

Lastly we take to looking here:



Various errors in there that should be corrected.

First off, it should be: This was no simple thief, insane lodger nor assassin. It's more flowing and rids the use of an unnecessary full stop. Observing the 'assassin' section, it should be 'an assassin' seeing as the word following 'a' begins with the letter a (therefor requiring the n to be added on). Next the comma after hunter can be replaced by a colon ':' as you're introducing a new character or noun into the scene. A hyphen '-' is also accepted. Finally you state: '...and Ryox sighed a solemn sigh.' It's obvious that he sighed a solemn sigh as he's sighing in the first place (or something to that effect ). Try getting rid of one sigh and going from there:



See?

Altogether you've managed to give us some small snippet of what you have in store, showing us that mystery and some sort of adventure is waiting to be unleashed with the rest of the piece. I look forward to reading more of what you have to come. You've improved since your first time here and should keep doing so. Well done Squiggle.

Thanks for the mini- review Life. I understand this has quite a few errors since I typed it with haste.

Btw. Rewritten and chapter 1 added. So comment. Good or bad, it gives me stuff to do. =D

I believe it's spelled 'Bounties of War'.

That's just me, though.

fixed
thanks fake II

Sorry, I never got around to reading more of this. I wanted to, but it didn't work out. Anyways...

The rewrite of chapter one was very well done, and chapter two was very exciting. The biggest problem I've seen so far has been misuse of words. You're clearly trying to use bigger, better words, but often you are misusing them, either grammatically or in terms of meaning. If you aren't totally sure of a word's meaning, don't use it, because misuse of words is confusing, and you don't really need fancy words anyways. Despite this, I've been very impressed with two things: your descriptions, and the world. The descriptions of characters and situations are above and beyond all of your previous works, and this could be quite a major improvement. Also, this has developed your characters further, making them less archetypical. As for the world you've made... Wow. Just wow. It bustles with life and unique ideas that make perfect sense once they're explained, but that I'd of never have thought of. Like a desert at the Equator. So obvious, yet so awesome! Just make sure you keep good sentence structure up. Read your story out loud, and you'll discover need for both revision and commas. Good luck on writing more!