Sal's RuneScape Forum > My First 2 Poems I've Written In My Free Time

noaiXiaon

Jul 22 2009, 12:45 PM

Hidden Love

QUOTE

I look around and I see you.
A face among a shadow.

A shining light, a bright, young face,
Crouched with horses in the padow.

To see you their, just standing.
My heart stands on edge.

To see you by yourself, so gleaming,
Walking by a dark green hedge.

A moment passes,
Feels like a year.

Yet I keep standing,
For you, here.

To just wonder why,
Need yet be a sin.

Your beauty,
Pressing like a pin.

__

To see you their, just standing,
A Light among the dark,

I cringe, and love you secretly,
My heart twisted to an ark.

Well... that was fairly interesting to write. :|

MINI POEM TIME!

Red Leaves In The Spring

QUOTE

Red Red Blood,
Running In The Water.

Turning Foliage From Green.
To The Color of Man-Slaughter.

As I Laugh And Watch it Gleam.
I think, "Aren't Fall's Colors Lovely?"

Dragut

Jul 22 2009, 11:00 PM

The first poem isn't very good. It has a pleasant message, but nothing really stands out about it. Then we come to the issue of forced rhymes. The poem seems to have the content of every line that rhymes decided by what rhymes easily or well. Pins? Sin? Hedge? Some of the lines, like the one about sin, made no sense because of your deep desire to rhyme. The solution? Don't worry about rhymes on your first poems. Rhyme is really just a way of making oneself look slightly smarter, and has no real contribution to the meaning of the piece. But, if you want to see what a less-forced rhyme scheme would be, just look around The Storymat. We have many good poets, and you could join their ranks.

The second poem is wonderful. Just metaphorical enough to take two readings to fully understand, but not pompous or over the top in it's intelligence and tricks. Good job. Good luck on writing more poetry!

noaiXiaon

Jul 23 2009, 05:02 PM

QUOTE (Dragut @ Jul 23 2009, 12:00 AM)

The first poem isn't very good. It has a pleasant message, but nothing really stands out about it. Then we come to the issue of forced rhymes. The poem seems to have the content of every line that rhymes decided by what rhymes easily or well. Pins? Sin? Hedge? Some of the lines, like the one about sin, made no sense because of your deep desire to rhyme. The solution? Don't worry about rhymes on your first poems. Rhyme is really just a way of making oneself look slightly smarter, and has no real contribution to the meaning of the piece. But, if you want to see what a less-forced rhyme scheme would be, just look around The Storymat. We have many good poets, and you could join their ranks.

The second poem is wonderful. Just metaphorical enough to take two readings to fully understand, but not pompous or over the top in it's intelligence and tricks. Good job. Good luck on writing more poetry!

Well, thanks

Sea Rayn

Jul 23 2009, 05:12 PM

I loved some of your imagery in the first poem, but you might work on some of your rhymes. Might want to clean up some of your spelling as well, if you decide to submit it somewhere. There is a big difference, for instance, between "their" and "there".

The imagery in the second one caught my eye and then you made me laugh with the last line. I liked it.

noaiXiaon

Jul 23 2009, 06:44 PM

QUOTE (Sea Rayn @ Jul 23 2009, 06:12 PM)

I loved some of your imagery in the first poem, but you might work on some of your rhymes. Might want to clean up some of your spelling as well, if you decide to submit it somewhere. There is a big difference, for instance, between "their" and "there".

The imagery in the second one caught my eye and then you made me laugh with the last line. I liked it.

Hey Rayn! Btw, I loved your poems and such "about the human nature". Ah, I wrote those in 2 seconds, don't be "TWO" harsh

I'm not very good at rhyming, but I'll keep practicing. And thanks for the compliments in the 2nd poem.