Ok i was reading some poems here and thought they were pretty good and wanted to give it a shot.
MickieBeth gave me a lot of initial help with the flow of ideas.

I did it on abusive relationships i dont know why though it just came
also its not very long

Its rough but it has potential. Raw emotion can make for powerful poetry. Rhyming seems a bit forced and your rhythm seems off to me. I don't know how to explain that last bit except that I told someone in another post that, "I often hear my poetry as a song or as having a beat. It helps me get an even flow or establish a rhythm, even if it is a non-rhyming open verse."

Keep working on it. Most people don't produce great poetry the first time out. I still have some of my first pieces and they weren't all that great . Remember too that poetry is subjective. Again, as I said in another post, "Not every piece of poetry from someone, even if you like their work in general, is going to touch you."

Write about what moves you though or it will mean nothing. I was forced to write both poetry and short stories on a few subjects that held absolutely no interest to me at all, back when I was in school. It made for some of the worst works I have ever produced.

-Rayn.

Yea the rhyming was a bit forced. my first version of this was totally different



I'll work on it thanks a lot (your work was one of the ones that made me wanna try )

Actually I enjoyed your first version better! (That is, er, the second one you posted, lol. ) Still a bit rough but feels more genuine. The rhyme seems a little less forced and the rhythm flows a bit better to my "inner ear". It perhaps reads a bit younger but, none-the-less, I think this version has more promise.

Flattery will get you most anything .

The form of rhyme you've used here is usually attributed to more cheerful subjects, as when you use short lines like this with a rhyming pattern of this sort it creates a bouncy, vibrant tempo. Seemed a little out of place when talking about a subject like this

I quite liked the wording, and used with a different style/form, I think it could be improved by quite a bit.

For sad poems writing it in a ballad form is better, much better rhyming scheme and stress scheme as well.

Ha. You're not the first faker to post a poem here, that's for sure. I recall I posted the following poem and won second place in Buland's Poetry Contest.

A Visit From Saint Nicholas, Christmas 2008

‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house,
No one was awake, not even a mouse.
Everyone was asleep, from upstairs to down,
A silence had fallen all over the town.
But one was awake, and sat up to see
The little old man and the presents that he
Would soon be bestowing to all in the town,
While everything was quiet, and snow falling down.

Then, what did his wondering eyes record,
But a DC-10 and a giant Concorde.
Because they were swathed in red and in green,
He knew it was Santa’s toy delivery machine.
To travel the Earth, in only an hour,
Relying on jet fuel and not reindeer power.
But a jet engine stalled; the kindly old man
Abandoned Plane One, which crashed in Iran.
The loss of one airplane meant a shortage of toys,
So Santa left out the bad girls and boys.
Thus the current system was born out of dust,
And Santa’s old Concorde is starting to rust.

But if you stay up, and keep your eyes peeled,
A Boeing 747 will soon be revealed.
A modern addition to Santa’s air fleet,
Braving cold arctic storms and hot desert heat,
This Jumbo Jet is the latest addition
To Santa’s own small air coalition.
And a loudspeaker will shout as it roars out of sight,
“Merry Christmas to all, and have a good night!”

Meh, I wrote it a year ago for some school thing. The contest was about the same time.

Returning to the topic, your poem is quite nice. I sort of like dark and horrifying poems. The rhyme makes it sound more of a slightly sad song. Not bad at all.