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A powerful mountain of fire cast the night aglow with it‘s shimmering magma. Such was the dominion of the Demon Lord, Chythraul, whom was hated by the human world. After nearly a decade of struggle and strife, an alliance of human nations had managed to drive back the demonic leader and his forces.

Veneficius was a mage amongst the allied forces, and throughout his career had learned many spells-each one of which was put to the test in this battle. Already, thousands of slain soldiers littered across the battlefield. The demons weren’t ready to be annihilated, and they would fight even harder knowing that this was their homeland.

Veneficius was observing the battle, which they appeared to be winning. Chythraul didn’t have time to execute an effective strategy as the humans had, so his forces made up for it with their aggression. At what seemed like the climax of the battle, the Demon Lord himself stepped onto the field. In his hand was a dark, black maul of what must have been incredible weight. After several incantations left dozens dead, Chythraul had sent the humans fleeing.

In the midst of the chaos, a lone human stood. He was known as Vir, and was one of the army’s valiant heroes. He began charging at the demonic leader. Both armies were stunned that a man could do such a thing, to defy a creature of such strength. Unsure of what to do, the Demon Lord smashed his maul against him, but to the shock of both armies, he missed. Vir approached the demon rapidly before finally plunging his spear into the heart of the creature. The beast immediately fell. The demons were in an uproar, and once again both armies charged. The clash that followed was one not to forget: thousands died within minutes, and many more casualties followed.

However, the allied lines were faltering as the cowards fled and courageous died. Veneficius paused to get a scope of the battle, and he observed that Vir was almost slain by a lone demon. He successfully cast a spell to kill the demon, grabbed Vir and began to carry him.

They managed to leave the battle undetected. After several hours of travel, they finally reached an allied town. Veneficius fainted in the commons once he got there. When he woke up, to his dismay, he learned that the hero was dead.

War was raging against the land. Many had already died, fighting for the side that was about to lose. It was dark, but light from the volcano helped them see what was happening.

The sound of metal, the sound of magic, and the sound of arrows were heard.

The warriors were about to take advantage of the situation, when a demon with the most lethal weapon in the land had arrived. All had thought that they would die – until a brave hero had come to their rescue.

He was the typical knight in shining armor. He attacked with his sword, which was made of one of the strongest elements of the land. The demon’s weapon hit the hero, and it distracted him for a moment, how long the moment was, they were unsure.

While they had been staring at the knight, they had been distracted, and when the knight was distracted, they were gone from their distraction. And the enemy’s soldiers had attacked with force.

While the Hero rose again, he now saw blood spilling, bodies dropping dead on the ground. He saw a wizard standing in the middle of the battleground; he was all that was left. He was tired from all the fighting, his powers strained.

Everyone left. They knew they had won the well fought battle. When the hero was trying to see if there was anyone alive, he was hit by a goblin.

The wizard saw what had happened and hit the goblin with the strongest he could manage.

The wizard carried the hero on his back. He did as best as he could while carrying the hero, for the armor of the hero was heavy. The snow had started displaying itself on the land. And the wizard tried to move faster.

When he had finally made it to the city and brought the hero to safety, he fell to the ground, strained from fighting and carrying the heavy hero all night.

The next day, he woke up. The first thing he did was check if the hero was all right. He asked the healer.

“Deeply sorry. After examination, we had concluded that hours before you arrived, the man had already died. The best we can do for him now is to give him a proper burial.” The healer said.

The wizard stood there, unable to believe it. They had lost. He was the last one.

Fire. Smoke. An endless stream of arrows felling my comrades, one by one. Spells filled the air, their deadly song destroying countless men, some of whom I knew. I fired back clouds of poison, watery deluges, and, when I could muster the concentration, a great roiling wave of fire. But still their endless ranks converged on our troops, overwhelming us by sheer numbers.
Despite the night’s darkness, the hateful light of the demonic volcano to the east, I still had hope. My hero and greatest friend, Corin, was fighting scarcely a dozen yards away, and whenever I glanced in his direction, I could easily believe in victory. Every moment, another goblin fell before him, and none dared approach. All my remaining friends had rallied around him, and their group was pushing forward now, deep into the heart of our foes.
Then everything changed irreversibly. The diabolic volcano thrust a spurt of fire heavenward with an unearthly wail, and as the fire fell to earth by Corin’s side, it took on the shape of an enormous demon, armed with a tremendous maul. With one powerful sweep of its weapon, it crushed Corin’s entire company ― all but him, as he ducked the blow and stabbed the behemoth’s knee.
The rest of our army was fleeing, terrified, and the goblins pursued them, caring not that Corin and I still stood. I blasted through their ranks, trying to reach my friend. Before I got there, however, Corin had overcome the monster, and he slumped over as its body dissolved.
“LOOK!” I screamed, racing towards him, but I was too late.
A goblin had lain among the dead, unnoticed, and as soon as Corin relaxed, it rose and struck, driving a spear deep into his back. Soundlessly, Corin collapsed, and my vengeful spell, however swift, could only avenge him.
I could no longer think. Forgetting my exhaustion, I lifted my friend from the deserted battlefield, treasuring his every breath as worth a thousand of my own, and began to walk south. Towards home. He had a chance, I thought. The volcano had ceased to shed its devilish light. Snow was falling, and so the darkness was not absolute.
Hours later, I reached the city gates. Setting him down on the cold snow, I prepared to call for help.
But his face was serene and frozen, motionless.
I bent my head, and the darkness was absolute.

Untitled

Dying screams of men and demons alike echoed across the battlefield, the only evidence of their dying illuminated by the dim light of a volcano. Arrows and magically infused projectiles alike whistled through the scorching hot air, and yet both armies were locked in a bloody stalemate. Gaining sudden courage, the Army of the Civilized threw themselves at their enemies defensive lines, smashing through demon after demon with their superior numbers, but this proved to be a fatal mistake as a gargantuan demon came barreling out, crushing all who opposed it with a few quick swipes of its spiked maul.

In order to combat this new threat, the Hero of the Army of the Civilized left his post, dealing the demon a fatal slash across its chest while narrowly avoiding the demon’s massive weapon. While he was distracted, the demonic army surrounded the humans, cutting through them like a harvester. Suddenly becoming infused with a desperate panic, the Army of the Civilized dissolved into chaos and broke from the demon’s ranks, causing them to let up a great cheer. But still, the hero remained, fighting off the demonic threat with his death drawing nearer and nearer.

As he ran with his fellows, a single Mage cast a look over to his shoulder, only to see the man sacrificing his life to buy the retreating human army time. Inspired by this courage, the Mage ran where everyone was running from to aid this brave man. But he came only in time to see the cursed sword of a goblin rip through the flesh of the hero, downing him instantly. Gathering up all of his magic, the Mage let it out in a burst of wind, tearing apart the demons that stood around he and the hero.

With his path cleared for now, the Mage drew up the hero, slinging him onto his shoulder. Then the two, made brothers by war, retreated into the forest where the demons dared not follow. Snowflakes, born from the mountain that the forest surrounded, plagued the Mage, causing him to slip and stumble on the newly frozen ground. Delirium took over the mages mind, and he worked to walk to an outpost of some sort…
Upon seeing familiar looking gates, the Mage’s strength gave and he fainted, with nothing but a few burning words stuck in his mind:

“He’s unmoving… looks like the Hero died long before, even before that Mage fainted.”

In the tall savannah grass, in the shade of giant trees overlooking the edge of the jungle, rest a pack of saber-toothed tigers. The vivid blue reflection of the lake show one of the beasts, their leader actually. Two fangs, ivory in color and almost a foot in length, dominated the image. A brownish fur designed to hide the creature in the floor of the jungle, or in the vast plains of the savannah, covered his body. He took his drink and circled the pack, finally coming to a rest in the back.

Still in action, however, was a group of men, lurking silently nearby. Their appearance was all but modern. Some wore crude hide-tunics, stained with blood and everything else you’d expect from a hunter, others wore nothing. Weapons, that were just about as makeshift as it gets, were carried in great supply. Small handles wrapped in roots or whatever scraps of hide hadn’t been used for clothing, and finished with stone tips that resembled that of a hatchet clutched tightly, or kept somewhere on the body. Even smaller were the crude knives of stone worn on wrists, ankles, anywhere they could fit. Men lurking in the trees held long spears, also finished with stone tips.

The largest man of the group stopped, and signaled the group to be still, pointing ahead. Letting out a large grunt, then a yell, the man rushed towards the pack of tiger, the others followed shortly. This was no hunt. Outnumbering the beasts when they were at rest, this was slaughter. leader of the tigers got as low as possibly and made his way stealthily towards the large man. The tiger struck, leaping with absolute ferocity, and knocked the man off his feet. Reacting without hesitation, the man swung his axe, and nearly decapitated the animal. Struggling to get away, all but 1 of the pack had been slain. The remaining was none other than the kin of the leader. Bolting around men, he made his way to his father, tackling the man as he jumped to his feet. Tearing into his flesh with his teeth, finishing him with a deadly blow to the head, he rushed to his father’s side, but it was too late.

Through the jungle he dragged his father in a bed of leaves. A whisper could be heard throughout: “Poor soul, he was the last of his kind.”

Paragraphs. It's too cluttered, I did read it, but not clearly.

This story definitely caught and kept my attention with it's liveliness and adjectives. The changes to the plot were somewhat drastic, but I believe they added substantially to the story. I know there was a word limit, but a little more detail into the action and violence going on around the protaganist would help me visualize the conflict better. The only other thing I could spot was: I don't believe in all caps, but that's a personal preference.

Creativity

Little less than the original, wall of text

“LOOK!” is not something you scream when your best friend and ally is about to die…

Something odd about it.

This was an excellently done short story, particularly for a re-write. The descriptiveness and word choice and astounding. I enjoyed it quite a bit.

Creativity

It was beautifully written; I admire your writing style, and I thought you had a good idea in switching it to the first person.

You used some very good descriptions, but in general, you told rather than showed. Here's what I mean (totally random saying, sorry): It might be a bit lengthy, and considering there was a word limit, it wasn't as bad as usual, but try to limit/get rid of it if at all possible. Also, a few grammatical errors (albeit very few), such as "pack of tiger" should be "pack of tigers," and "the others followed shortly," might be change to "the others immediately followed."

Better naming

The idea of applying the tale to a pack of sabre-toothed tigers being assailed by humans, rather than humans being assailed by demons or other monsters, was a farsighted and incredibly profound way of approaching the assignment. I heartily salute the initiative that whoever wrote this took in his composition.

You went a bit off tangent from the main objective of the writing exercise, in my opinion.

I first erroneously thought that the people would represent the humans in the original story, and the tigers represented the demons, but at the end I realized my mistake. This was, without doubt, the most original entry I've read. Good job.

Most original

Unfortunately, the language is rather awkward, especially in the next-to-last paragraph when it's sometimes difficult to tell which character is being referred to. The use of punctuation is also frequently questionable. The author should, in future, focus to a much greater degree on clarity of language and a more effective sentence structure. However, he's already gotten the most important part of the assignment down pat - form - and I applaud his imagination in development!

A new, creative, interesting take on the exercise; I just felt like it wasn’t meant to be changed in such a big way. However, main plot points remained, and it was an excellently written short story, so… yeah.

Well, chop the paragraph, maybe.

The story lacks the lively word choice, but perhaps that's because of the order I read the stories. One thing I spotted is that your first reference to the hero of the story simply calls him 'the hero,' with no further description. Also, there's a slight technical misunderstanding: It's a bit strange that it's cold out, yet so near a volcano that light from the fiery mountain can be shed upon the ground.

Creativity

There are some really weird wordings in here, and its a bit too much like the original

The description in this work was solid and extensive, and I found the sentences to be written both effectively and professionally. A very firm narrative.

It's good. I like the rewriting.

The 'dialogue' towards the end, which is actually the Mage's thought, is a bit out of place, seeing as it is the only dialogue in the entire story. Other than that, a good read.

Creativity

Unfortunately, despite the solid content and florid language, there was little to distinguish the tale from any of the other adaptations. Many of the metaphors seemed off and rather grating, as if they were thrown in as afterthoughts rather than a key part of the sentence they belonged to. (A few words, like "infused," were rather unsuited to their surroundings.) Also, the emotion in this tale was rather muted and I found it difficult to sympathize with either of the characters, although establishing an effective emotional tone was certainly a difficult task in so small a space.

I would have loved it if the story was a bit more... uh... there's just something about it.

Creativity

Less cliché, less like original

The setting was established very well, and the background gave a sense of depth and three-dimensionality to the story, unmatched by any of the other submissions. The narration was effective and crunchy, and so too was the sentence structure virtually impeccable.

The beginning part of the story was excellent, but I feel like you didn’t close it very well. I prefer consistent details throughout the story, instead of a lot at the beginning and a little at the end.

It's good, but the excessive naming of people ruined it for me.

Creativity

At times the grammar was somewhat awkward, and perhaps the greatest failing of this work was the lack of emotional depth. While the overall plot was well told, and I felt present in the scene throughout the course of the narrative due to the effective description, there was no real feeling in the story. While I felt present, it was as if at a distance, feeling no particular emotion for any of the characters. In future, it would be good to see some author-induced empathy with the characters in place of some description or plot setting.

I like how you established the Mage as the primary character.

More grandeur and eloquence, especially during battle scenes. Your word choice seems pretty dull, so why not lively it up with more descriptive and colorful adjectives? Probably because this was a re-written story, it makes you seem as if you are just paraphrasing things, some of which are uneeded descriptions (such as "when he attacked with his sword, which was made of one of the strongest elements in the land"). Since this was a tight word limit, things like these could be altered, shortened, or just flat-out omitted to save room for more important words and phrases, perhaps even those adjectives mentioned earlier. Also, there are some awkward reads, such as: 'Distract' was in that sentence three times. This dialogue just seems a bit abrupt, considering it is very long and is quite a contrast to the otherwise dialogue-less short story. This sentence confused me, as well: By saying 'Everyone,' and 'they,' you just created a bit of confusion as to whom you were referring. I was just a little thrown off, since I at first thought you meant the 'good' side.

Creativity

Flowed very slowly, not very descriptive. less like the original please...

The desperate, scattered, nature of the battle, with a certain attractive feeling of remoteness, was conveyed by the author's particular structure remarkably well, in a way unparalleled by any of the other works.

Make the story flow better. Your sentences lack variety, and they end up sounding a bit redundant in the end:

You followed the original story very well, much better than I did.

The language was slightly simplistic and at times rather confusing. ("Everyone left"? "They knew they had won"? Presumably the enemy was being referred to, but if so that was made remarkably unclear.) It was also a rather emotionless, hollow tale without any sense of firmness in the telling. The healer's statement, in particular, felt very wooden. Despite these flaws, however, there were definitely bright spots, and I enjoyed reading it overall.