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#1 OFFLINE   SlashingUK

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Posted 06 July 2007 - 04:44 AM

More people post stories here than review them. After an initial flurry of comments, the stories then languish with no indication that they’re still alive or not. If you’re keen to have your story reviewed, post a review of someone else’s story to earn the right to have yours reviewed in turn. Feel free to post more than once in the thread if you want a second or third opinion on your story.

Review the story posted by the person above you and complete the following review template:

Overall rating out of 100
How much of the story did you read
Comments on:
  • Language
  • Storyline
  • Characters
  • General
Link to topic you would like to have reviewed

Since these ratings are inconsistent (being provided by different reviewers) - please do not take the ratings too seriously. Any stories within 10 points of one another are likely to be of similar quality.

Author - Story - Number of Reviews - Average Rating
SlashingUK - Barking Dog - 1 Review - 95/100 Top story November 2007
Chaoserver - Fingers of Death - 1 Review - 93/100
Cresenne - Vengeance - 2 Reviews - 92/100 Top story July 2007
SlashingUK - Wrong Number - 1 Review - 91/100
SlashingUK - Heisenberg's Shaman: The River - 4 Reviews - 89.5/100
SlashingUK - The First of November - 1 Review 89/100
Lord Vega - A Pleasure To Burn - 1 Review - 88/100
Master Neverdead - The Champion of Phalix - 2 Reviews - 85/100
Vistar - A Ranger's Tale - 1 Review 85/100 Top story February 2008
Evin290 - Extinction - 4 Reviews - 83.25/100 Top story August 2007 and still a work in progress
Simple013 - Trial and Error - 1 Review - 82/100
Zhuge Liang - The Tide Turns - 1 Review - 77/100
Rathma - Lynion War - 1 Review - 75/100
Lord Vega - The Black Heart - 1 Review - 73/100 - still a work in progress Top story October 2007
SlashingUK - Dead End - 1 Review - 71/100
Tempest - Dreams - 1 Review - 70/100
SlashingUK - GRB - 1 Review - 70/100
Lord Vega - The Charm - 1 Review - 70/100
SlashingUK – Sword of Kings – 1 Review - 70/100 Top story January 2008
Lord Vega - Alyna - 1 Review 68/100
Viperslash3 The Rogue's Quest - 1 Review 67/100
Finway – The Ape God – 1 Review 65/100
Zhuge Liang - Milne Bay - 1 Review 63/100 Top story December 2007
Richman99-Ritwik99 - Rise of Galactus Trilogy - 1 Review - 60/100
Emanick1 - Falling Star, Rising Danger - 2 Reviews - 60/100
The Lich King - Crimson Harvest - 2 Reviews - 57.5/100
MANSLAYERSMI The Wilderness - 1 Review 56/100 Top story March 2008
Richman99-Ritwik99 - Shoot - 2 Reviews - 40/100

Aretmis Fowl The Worlds End review pending

Edited by SlashingUK, 26 June 2008 - 03:28 AM.

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#2 Guest_Emanick1_*

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Posted 06 July 2007 - 09:22 PM

Great idea, Slashing. I hope this will help better the Library, since Hexias seems to be too busy with real life than with fake life. :(

Here's the first chapter of my critically criticized new plasterpiece- Falling Star, Rising Danger. Please don't comment on the disjointedness of it; the prologue isn't included for fear of turning people off for length.

Fallen Star, Rising Danger
Chapter One: Into the Wilderness



The sky overhead was black. Although it was barely past noon on the first day by Ranous’s reckoning, it was always dark in the wilderness. Only faint light showed through the blanket of dimness from the sky above to brighten up the landscape. For the first time, Ranous felt the chill that accompanied the land of Zamorak. He was not alone. Only Tim, Vashna and the dwarves had been in the Wilderness before, and none of them had been in for long. The dark landscape, with the blackened, near-petrified trees, was about as gloomy as you could get, Ranous supposed.

What had the Black Knights been doing in the Dwarven Mines? Ranous had no idea, because the interrogation with the traitorous dwarf had not been completed by the time of departure, efficient though dwarves were. Were the Black Knights just trying to kill me? wondered Ranous? Or was that a stopover on the way to find the meteorites?

Ranous was still wondering what was been going on when night fell. Yawning hugely, he ordered the group to stop, and they happily complied. Trying to raise the group’s spirits, Ranous promptly demoted Duncan from second-in-command, especially because he had been abusing his power all day. That boosted morale in camp considerably, and they all had a good laugh in camp that night, while Duncan slept soundly right after bolting down his supper.

However, that soon changed. Ranous dutifully took the first watch of the night, accepting the inconvenience as a burden of his rank, but none of the dwarves seemed to be able to get to sleep, especially Tremborn. Try as he might, the patrol leader simply couldn’t get a reason out of the dwarf. Finally, at the end of his watch, Ranous threw the arranged procedure to the winds and gave Tremborn the second watch. Ernest could use the extra sleep; he could sleep all day if allowed to.

Instructing Tremborn to wake up Dwelburn next, and to tell him to wake Hilma (both had long since drifted off), Ranous settled down in his sleeping bag. He was rather surprised that they hadn’t encountered any resistance yet, but then again they weren’t very deep into the wilderness.

He dreaded the thought of what it would be like in a week.

~-~-~-~-~-~-~

“Rise and shine!” Hilma whispered, shaking Ranous awake. “It’s time for another march.”

“It’s still dark…” muttered Ranous, before realizing the stupidity of the statement and slapping himself. The slap returned him fully to consciousness, and he realized why Hilma had whispered. The land around him held a feeling of wariness and alertness, and he knew that that could only be a bad thing. The fewer fights, the better, he thought with an unpleasant shudder.

They ate breakfast in silence and went on. Duncan seemed unimpressed, and gnawed on a piece of fudge he’d brought, but nobody else seemed very cheerful. Tremborn in particular seemed jumpy.

“What’s wrong?” Ranous asked the shivering dwarf at about ten o’ clock.

“I’m s-sorry,” Tremborn replied shakily. “I-it’s just that…well…my parents were killed, see. And, well…they died. And it wasn’t really their fault, it just, er, happened; um, you see, it was like this…Well, anyway, they died. Killed, see,” he finished lamely.

“I don’t see,” said Ranous, trying not to show his annoyance. “I’m sorry. But is there anything we need to know about?”

“Well, erm…no! No, I’m sure they’re dead by now.”

“Aren’t they?” asked Ranous, unable to resist a sarcastic remark.

“No, it’s just…well, the things that killed them…It’s nothing to worry about. I’ll tell you in a few minutes, shall I? We’ll be in Their territory soon, maybe in a hour or so.”

“Fair enough,” said Ranous, albeit puzzled.

Barely a minute later, Ranous heard Tremborn clear his throat, and he turned to regard the dwarf. “Are you ready to tell me what killed them now?” he asked somberly.

“Yep,” said the dwarf, a look of panic on his face. “THEM!” He pointed to two shambling blue forms a few dozen yards away.

“Zombies!” yelled Ranous. Quickly, he readied some runes, but Vashna beat him to it. With a shrill cry of power, she sent a blast of fire at the nearest one. It burst into flames, and toppled, setting the tree next to it alight. Within seconds, the whole grove was on fire.

“Pyllrogthra Dornï!” cried Vashna, and a second fiery blast shot towards the remaining zombie. It missed, and hit the branch above the undead creature. The branch crackled and broke, falling down upon the zombie’s head. Crying out in an inhuman voice, the zombie toppled as the fire devoured its body.

“Now the forest’s on fire!” yelled Ranous. “This will attract attention, all right! Why couldn’t you just have let me deal with it?”

“Yeah, yeah, I messed up,” said Vashna gloomily. “Let’s just go…” With a heavy sigh, she started away from the blazing grove.

Ranous frowned. He’d forgotten how delicate Vashna’s ego was. Leading the “retreat,” he made a resolution to apologize to her later on. As he started away, he patted Tremborn on the head reassuringly.

The rest of the day went by without further incident. Supper that night was a subdued affair. Everyone was preoccupied by his or her own thoughts. Tremborn seemed cheerful again, but that no longer worried Ranous. The problem was Tim.

Constantly badgering Ernest about his black clothes (which were barely visible beneath his mithril armor), Tim was trying to tell Ernest that he was violating the principles of Saradomin. But Tim wasn’t restricting himself to this; he was also taunting Tremborn about his cowardice, and telling Hilma that she would get killed with “only” a steel warhammer. Sniw was getting the worst of Tim’s ruthlessness, though. The nasty monk was saying that goblins were weak, stupid, and unavoidably evil. All day Sniw had been hearing that goblins would inevitably be sent to Zamorak when they died, no matter how much they followed Saradomin by, and the poor goblin was nearly in hysterics. Ranous angrily dragged his friend away from Tim, then told Sniw that as long he didn’t serve Zamorak he would be okay and sentenced Tim to the last two and most exhausting watches for that night. Oddly enough, Tim seemed not to care, and resumed chatting with Hlurg.

Ranous assigned Ernest and Hlurg the remaining watches, then went to sleep. It had been another long day…

He was awakened at night by an odd noise. It sounded like slithering, but when he listened closer, Ranous could tell that it was heavier than that made by any snake he knew of. Drawing his Rune shard, he crept towards the noise.

Leaning against the side of a hill, blinking the sleep out of his eyes, Ranous peeked over the crest of the blackened sand dune. Almost immediately, he felt an urge to laugh in relief. A zombie was shambling up the hill towards him. Just a few months earlier, he would have rushed headlong at the undead creature, roaring a battle cry recklessly. But now he knew better. Settling down, deliberately uncomfortably, Ranous waited for the zombie to draw near enough for a quick strike. Somebody else might be waiting nearby…

After a minute or two, though, Ranous noticed that the zombie had come no closer. It was merely walking back and forth along the hill, twenty yards from him altogether. This disturbed him. Surely the slithering sound couldn’t have come from a zombie! Ranous suddenly realized. Picking himself up and making sure his light blue blade was secure in his hands, the Champion went into a silent charge.

He had only gone a few steps when a green rope shot down from a nearby tree, catching his foot and swinging him upside down in the tree.

Ranous struggled frantically, but to no avail. It was a setup, he realized. The rope’s grip was adamant. At least, the unfortunate warrior thought it was a rope…until the end nearest him sprouted a head with fangs and began to squeeze itself around Ranous’s body.

Desperately, Ranous hacked at the monster’s body, but to no avail. The scales merely glowed red, then admitted the dagger through the scales harmlessly, as though they were an image. Staring at his armor, Ranous realized that the snake was half through it, half not. Its body passed through the metal and Ranous’s clothes as though they were not there, but without destroying them, he realized as the snake shifted position.

He was starting to lose consciousness, but one productive thought came to him clearly: It only affects living flesh. Thrusting his rune shard through the snake, Ranous felt the blade scrape wood. Twisting frantically as his breath left his body, he brought himself right against the tree, with only one coil between himself and the wood. With one final thrust, Ranous snapped the trunk, and it tumbled down on the snake and him.

The living tree shattered the snake’s spine as it struck it, doing with momentum what Ranous had not been able to do with force. With a final twist, Ranous leapt off the body of the snake, breathing in huge amounts of oxygen with his massive lungs — which was driven out as he collided with the zombie. Ranous heard part of its ribcage snap, but the being was animated by unearthly means and was unaffected. With a bizarre roar, it threw itself upon its unwitting assailant.

Once again breathing in large quantities of air, Ranous kicked the zombie, hard. It stumbled backwards, then tumbled over. Clearing the crest of the hill beyond which the camp stood, it started forward again, but Ranous met it with his rune shard, and the blade dove straight through its chest. With an unearthly wail, it clawed at Ranous, but he sliced off its arm and shoved it down the hill. With its remaining arm, it pulled him in, and they rolled downwards together, kicking and slashing.

Both of the combatants crashed into Ranous’s sleeping bag suddenly. Ranous was up in a moment, lifting his Adamant sword from the ground and heaving it at his one-legged opponent. With a cry, he heaved it at the zombie, and it snapped in two, the torso and head hurtling across the camp to strike Duncan’s bedroll.

With a high-pitched scream, Duncan awoke with a start. “ZOMBIES!” he yelled. “IN CAMP! SAW ONE!! AIIIIIIEEEE!” Struggling to unentangle himself from his overpadded bedroll, he accidentally bumped into the zombie’s chest. Screaming even louder, he managed to wake the entire camp, even Ernest.

“Shut up!” snapped Ranous. “There’s only one zombie, and it’s dead. Just go back to sleep.”

The rest of the group began snapping at Duncan too, and by the time they were done, nearly half an hour later, dawn was threatening to break. With an exasperated sigh, Ranous shook Ernest back awake and treated everyone to an early breakfast. For the first time, he realized that someone was missing.

“Where’s Tim?” he asked.

~-~-~-~-~-~-~

“What do you mean, they’re awake?” demanded the chaos dwarf of the strange monk who had appeared earlier that night, promising the heads of some human and goblin ruffians who held mighty treasures. “I thought you said they’d still be asleep!”

“Well, apparently your little zombie sentry didn’t do so well,” shot back Tim, still squinting over the three dunes separating the dwarves’ camp and his companions. “It got slaughtered, along with that Zamorakian snake you managed to get ahold of somehow.”

“Even if this group is as mighty as you say, couldn’t we defeat them easily?” growled the chaos dwarf captain, gesturing at his sixty-four soldiers. “I say we attack now!”

“You are slow,” stated the traitorous monk bluntly. “You would not catch all of them in time to cut off all the directions they could escape to. A ring one or two dwarves thick would not be sufficient to stop these fools.”

“One week,” growled the dwarf angrily, grabbing Tim by his shirt. “If in one week, we have not captured them and taken their mighty weaponry and armor, then you will die at my hands, with an axe in your belly.”

“You will have them tonight,” said Tim, with a wicked gleam in his eye, starting back for camp.

Soon, very soon, he would be rid of the foul goblin-consorters who claimed to follow Saradomin. The very god their unclean lips truly worshipped would be the one to lead his dwarves to the slaughter.

Slashing, I think you should aim for pretty short reviews. Even if the people here know they'll get their own stories reviewed if they give someone elses' story a shot, an arduous and long review would turn many people off. We don't want that, now do we? ^_^

#3 OFFLINE   SlashingUK

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Posted 07 July 2007 - 03:15 PM

I agree entirely with your suggestion – which concurs with my own thinking.  I considered mandating no more than 1 hour's effort, even if the story being reviewed was very, very long, but I think the "How much did you read" gives enough slack.  Oh, and the idea was to have links rather than full stories in this topic.

Overall out of 100 : 75
How much did I read : I read it all
Language : Very good, just a handful of grammatical and spelling errors
Storyline : Perfectly clear what’s going on here.  You mention disjointed.  I don’t think the substance of the story is disjointed, but it does lack context – why are they going into the wilderness, and why such an odd group
Characters : Mixed.  Clearly there are characterisations here, but the credibility is lacking.  Ranous is completely heartless in his behaviour toward the orphaned dwarf, but has an empathetic touch in other interactions.
General : I really want to know what’s going on – why are they in the wilderness?  Collecting meteorites or something.  You could have extended the suspense around Tim, rather than revealing all straight after the disappearance.  Your story is readable, clear and engaging.  There’s a little jumping about in the time lines (it goes from noon to night-fall very rapidly).  If you can help the reader to sympathise more with the characters and their situation, this would be a great story.


Next reviewer : Please review Heisenberg's Shaman : The River
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#4 OFFLINE   Richman99

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Posted 07 July 2007 - 04:21 PM

Overall out of 100: 90
How much did I read: 2 chapters- I was busy, sorry.
Language: Fantastic, good vocabulary, I thought that there were 1 or 2 run-on sentences, but maybe not.
Storyline: Pretty good. I kinda got confused from the change from chapter 1 to 2.
Characters: Well since I didn't read much of it, I can't say much of the characters. They didn't unfold in the first 2 chapters, but obviously they won't, especially with a story like yours.
General: Overall it's very good. I like the plot, and the whole 2 different world things seems very interesting. I really do want to read the whole story soon. I'm sure it won't be a  waste of time. I suggest you to keep writing, because it's worth reading!

Next reviewer please review: Shoot

Edited by Richman99, 07 July 2007 - 04:40 PM.

Woosh

#5 OFFLINE   Cresenne

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Posted 07 July 2007 - 05:13 PM

Overall out of 100: 35
How much did I read: all
Language: pretty generic, although your sentence variation is ok - nausia is spelled nausea, and surrived is spelled survived - next time plz make a new paragraph every time someone talks
Storyline: there isn't that much there...and what's there isn't really developed. I was very slightly interested at the end, but that's about it
the prologue is completely unnecessary - you can easily show all those details in the story, and you should avoid talking to the reader in the 'you' voice
the chapters in general are too short...in chapter 1, '13 Year-Old Tom was a player to be reckoned with.' isn't really necessary since we know he was the best player in LakesVille and was MVP twice, and 'congratulation' should be congratulating. at the end, it doesn't really make sense how his mother is replying with 'sad and teary eyes' unless you back that up with some statement or explanation
chapter 2 - you're just telling the reader Tom did this, then that, then that, which gets boring after a while. even if you spelled nausea incorrectly, there's no need to put a note there since it interrupts the flow of the story. 'What could have happened to tom' is also unnecessary.
chapter 3 - 'Tom got up, in a hospital' doesn't need a comma. I didn't really feel the sadness in this chapter
Characters: there was very little character development, which made it hard to feel what the characters felt
General: overall, it's ok if you're in 4th-ish grade, but you really need to work on character development and description...the plot needs more setting up, too

Next reviewer please review: Vengeance (link in sig) - I'm in the process of editing it

Edited by Dark Kuroyi, 07 July 2007 - 05:14 PM.


#6 OFFLINE   SlashingUK

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Posted 08 July 2007 - 02:55 PM

View PostDark Kuroyi, on Jul 7 2007, 11:13 PM, said:

Next reviewer please review: Vengeance (link in sig) - I'm in the process of editing it
Overall out of 100 91
How much did you read I read it all
Language – excellent, colourful. Skilfully painting pictures and feelings without thrusting them upon the reader.  Just a couple of minor oddities (really, nothing serious, just sounded odd to me).
Storyline – Hmmm.  Without doubt, the emotions are all there, but the story hangs apart in places.  It’s unclear, is Cailin the same girl as in the Prologue, I think it’s worth clearing up.  Then there’s the ending.  Are you going to write more or is this a complete piece.
Characters – The protagonist(s) are well portrayed, believable, and easily empathised with.  I commend you on these.  Peripheral characters are largely “extras”
General – If this were a more complete story, I would have given it 95, but it’s disjointedness is too intrusive for me.  Do you intend to do any more work on it?

This review will be posted in both the Reviewer’s Circle and the original story post.

Since my previous reviewer only managed 2 chapters of my 15 (out of a planned 18) chapter story, I’ll ask for another review of Heisenberg’s Shaman : The River.
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#7 OFFLINE   KingDarkeyes

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Posted 10 July 2007 - 12:33 AM

hey, I think that we should have awards and such along with reviews. Maybe there could be a sig made for this. Maybe have awards like:crew pick, or story of the month, worst story of the year and the like. I believe this would boost the drive to write stories here to prove themselves worthy for the award. It would also help to make a standing point to some people that somethings in their style have to change or they won't get awards such as:story of the year. Mind you, this is just an idea, so put some though into this. I know I would want to write stories to get these awards. It builds up the drive as I said earlier.

#8 OFFLINE   Lord Vega

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Posted 10 July 2007 - 06:50 PM

My review of Heisenberg’s Shaman : The River
Overall rating out of 100: 85
How much of the story did you read: Up to Chapter 17, which is all that is available at the time of this being posted.

Comments on:
    * Language: Very, very admirable language. I actually had to consult a dictionary at one point. There's a lot of unique termonology used in this story, and it all seems very appropriate and fitting for the events.
    * Storyline: The story is good. It's very deep and involved, but it's extremely hard to get into. It's written in a way that the narrator seems to think the reader already has pre-existing knowledge of the way things work in this complexed fantasy world. Maybe it's just my personal preference and this story would be much more enjoyed by a different reader, but I found it very difficult to understand the details of things. I did notice a few attempts to explain, but it still seemed very difficult to grasp.
Negative things aside, the story is very intriguing. Concepts are well thought-out and the plot is very nicely developed.
    * Characters: Some of the characters seemed to be unnecessary in my view. A few were tossed in and not given much description and then passed by without seeming to serve much purpose. Still, a few of the larger characters were much more developed.
    * General: I enjoyed this story. I think my major problems with it might have been a result of not giving it my complete attention, along with having read Part 1 a few weeks before reading Part 2 and what is written of Part 3.
This has the potential to not only be a wonderful story, but a wonderful series of stories, if given the proper context and information.


Could the next person review my story: A Pleasure To Burn?

Edited by L0rd Vega, 10 July 2007 - 06:51 PM.

Posted Image

I've become a million miles away.


#9 OFFLINE   SlashingUK

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Posted 23 July 2007 - 07:26 AM

I didn't want to be the next to post in the Reviewing Circle, but since I've been away for a week and this is still sitting here, I'll take another turn, and I'll offer another of my pieces up for next reviewer.


My review of A Pleasure To burn

Overall rating out of 100 : 88
How much of the story did you read : All, in installments
Language : Lacked a little at the beginning, with some mistakes and some confusion in style and perspective, but you responded well to feedback in the story thread and this went away completely in the mid to late chapters.  By the end it was very good.
Storyline : Not a deep or detailed storyline, but then it didn't need one.  This story was about the situation, characters, motives and feelings more than the storyline.
Characters : The protagonist (Nona) is astonishingly well portrayed and comes completely to life in this narrative; understandable, yet complex : empathic, yet repellant.  A tour de force, congratulations.  Other characters are much less rounded, but then to ask for anything different would be to miss the point.
General : L0rd Vega's writing style is perfectly suited to character development and insight, and to the serialisation format given by the forum structure.  In terms of what it is, which is to say not rating based on storyline and language etc, this is a vastly superior story than a regular novella (for it is long enough to qualify as such).  This wouldn't make a good novel, nor would it contract well to a short story (although this might be possible with removal of some of the story elements).  I think that, with some work, it would be possible to prepare a volume of (5-6) stories of similar length to this and "A Feast For Solitude" which could be published as a single book of "Unusual People in Unusual Situations" stories.  I look forward to the next teasing story L0rd Vega unleashes on the unwitting denizens of The Library and the buzz it will no doubt cause in these pages.

Edit Next reviewer please review my story Dead End over in Runescape Stories.

Edited by SlashingUK, 23 July 2007 - 07:32 AM.

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#10 Guest_Emanick1_*

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Posted 26 July 2007 - 08:03 PM

[Maybe you were hoping for someone to review your story, since I already did, but hopefully the very different format will still be helpful. :P

Overall rating out of 100 : 71
How much of the story did you read : All
Language : Wonderful. Honestly, I'm not sure that your spelling and grammar isn't the best on this entire forum. :evil:
Storyline : Not too deep. Undoubtably that was partly the point, but the comedy went largely missing in later chapters (specifically 5-8), and I think a slightly darker storyline would have served from then on better than the slow, padding advancement Sir Vincent, Vaughan, and Zaddeus make in the later chapters. Of course, a light flick would have been better than either.
Characters : Vaughan was the best character IMO. His amusing idol worship of Sir Vincent made me laugh in real life several times in the first three chapters. :mad: I really wish he had kept it up. :cute:
Zaddeus was a typical casual, underappreciated (at first) yet more knowledgable character, who sadly failed to ever do anything especially significant. To be more precise, he never distinguished himself fully. Also, he replaced Vaughan as Sir Vincent's most trusted friend at some point, which was a little saddening to me, because I liked Vaughan a lot, and I didn't enjoy him being shunted to one side with barely any notice.
The minotaur is worth mentioning, because he was a good example of a resigned monster - not something you see too often, and for good reason! :blink:
Lastly, Sir Vincent was an interesting character, who I once again enjoyed most at the beginning of the story. He turned into a bolder yet more boring character by the end of the story. To be honest, though, I can't think of any better way you could have handled such a character, so I can't blame you there. :rolleyes:
General : The only thing that really should be absent from this story (which is included already) is the Llevlarp fairies. In my opinion they didn't add much to the storyline or the humor, and actually began to annoy me, due to the fact that three Llevlarp fairies wouldn't make much difference against an Ankou.
The two stories I think you would be much more adept at making are a dark, dramatic story, judging from the excellent prologue, and a shorter parody of some RuneScape elements.
To be honest, we have yet to see any completed stories that fit the first descriptions in epic proportions, aside from the notable exception of Chaoserver's Warfare masterpiece, in the RuneScape section of the Story Mat, so I would be delighted if you returned there after you finish the Heisenberg story. (Gah, I really have to read that story soon! :()

Someone review Falling Star, Rising Danger now, please. :P And use the form on that topic, not this one, if you can. :evil:


~Chaoserver's Ex-Butler, Emanick1 :evil:

Edited by Emanick1, 26 July 2007 - 08:53 PM.


#11 OFFLINE   Simple013

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Posted 01 August 2007 - 04:15 PM

This is a copy-paste of the 'review' I gave in the thread itself. Bear with me for a while until I know how this works :)

Well, let me start by saying I am not a big fan of RunScape based stories. Invariably the story line tends to clash with the lore and history Jagex devised for their game, and it makes it hard to concentrate on something that deviates from what you come expect when playing the game.

I tried not to let that interfere while reading, but, sadly, I couldn't, and it is the prime reason for not getting past the prologue of the story.

I can hardly comment on the character I liked most, not having read the story it seems almost an insult to name a favorite one.

The second thing that bothered me while reading was the language. I had a few problems with it. The easiest thing for me to do is to show by example, lest it will be unclear what I mean.

Quote

Scrambling down to pull the iron into a cart, the man heaved a satisfied sigh.
"Scrambling down" is an action; it seems to me this hardly leaves room for a sigh, however satified he was. The second thing about this sentence has to do with what he mined from the rock: Shards of iron. Hardly the thing you need to 'pull into a cart'.

Quote

He had learned metalwork beside the dwarven metalworkers.
You learn something from someone, not beside someone.

Quote

The dwarf opened a door into a high-ceilinged room with four huge stone pillars supported the stone ceiling.
I think supported should be replaced by supporting.

Quote

A sudden movement caught Ranous’s eye, and he whirled around expecting to face his teacher. Dwelburn was a master at entering unnoticed, and he had defeated Ranous on his first try several times, before Ranous was even aware that he was being attacked.
This line clashes with the next paragraph, though it can be easily corrected simply by inserting the bolded word.

We then enter the battle scene and where Adamantite was spelled out to describe the armor you now call a more noble metal Rune, not exactly in keeping with the adamantite. A bit further on you call something excessively close combat. I just don't understand the use of excessively.

Quote

“Magnificent fighting!” barked Dwelburn. “I was watching for most of it, I think, and well done! Six knights down!”
So the teacher didn't aid his pupil but stayed there to watch and let two of his own kind die? Not likely, I think.

I'll give two more examples of things that just do not make sense to me: How can a meteor land? Is it controlled? If so by whom? However the fact it landed is in keeping with a descripion of a 'crash site'. The way I see it a meteor is unguided, uncontrolled. Not a crash site but an impact site.

As for the rest of your questions: No I did not read with the music on. Music tends to distract me from reading.

Was it fun to read? No, not really, but that I explained at the beginning of this.

Overall rating out of 100: 45

Should you be inclined to comment on this, please, don't hold back. It is a first attempt of writing something other than a guide, and I have a lot to learn.

--Simple--

Edited by Simple013, 02 August 2007 - 04:48 AM.

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#12 OFFLINE   -Demented-

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Posted 01 August 2007 - 04:38 PM

Im not used to rating stories, so ill rate it how i do with numbers.
Overall rating out of 100:82
How much of the story did you read:All of it
Language:25/25
Storyline:19/25
Characters:20/25
General:18/25

someone review this story. Also, i have a freewebs website link in my sig, has lots of stuff there.

This post has been edited by Demented: yesterday, 09:54 P.M.
Chicken+Cow=Chow
Baby+Toaster=Friend rattle
Gingerdog+Zephyrer Blaze= :blink:


#13 OFFLINE   SlashingUK

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Posted 02 August 2007 - 03:00 AM

Review of Celtic Myth by Demented
Overall rating : 45 / 100
How much did I read : The first chapter (all that was available at the time of review)
Language : A bit shaky.  Two unusual uses of "gleamed" in the first paragraph.  Lack of apostrophes ("dont", "im"), failure to capitalise "i".  From the paragraph structure it can be difficult / impossible to tell who is speaking at certain points.  I have no idea what to make of a sentence consisting of "Izumi."
Characters : Lots (Cyrus, Draco, Kelly, Aaron, Zandera, Sarah) with little detail - we don't even know the gender of some.  Are "Izumi" and "Chocolate Thunder" also characters?
Storyline : None to speak of at this point.
General : Excellent and naturalistic dialogue - well done.  While I can't picture the scene, I have no idea how old these people are (5, 10, 15, 20 years?), they do speak in a believable way.  I wish I could write dialogue of this quality.
When did Aaron and Zandera enter the scene?  They're mentioned in passing (as if they weren't present, then they disappear in a flash at the end.  Nobody seems perturbed that people can disappear like this - is it a bizarre fantasy phenomenon, or did they just walk away quickly?

Next reviewer, please comment on Run!

Edited by SlashingUK, 06 August 2007 - 06:08 AM.

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#14 OFFLINE   Richman99

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Posted 03 August 2007 - 05:19 PM

Overall out of 100: 80
How much did I read: All
Language: Pretty good. You used the word 'and' too many times in a couple of sentences. Try commas when you need to show more things. Good vocabulary.
Storyline: Confusing, since it's just a scene from where? Ending was sad... if that was the ending... continue it.
Characters: Well I really can't comment on this because it was soo short of a scene. OK.  
General: Overall it's good. Not your best. I liked your other stories better honestly. Keep writing.

Next Reviewer... review: Shoot... http://runescape.sal...owtopic=151054( and please post i in that topic too so Ican get more comments.
Woosh

#15 OFFLINE   Evin290

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Posted 04 August 2007 - 03:43 AM

Overall out of 100 - 45
How much did you read - All of it
Language - The trouble with your language is that you're trying to sound like a writer. A writer's voice doesn't come from trying so hard to be like others, it comes from thinking about what you want to say and figuring out how you say it. Voice is not easily mastered, especially not by eleven-year-olds. Given your age, I'm impressed with what you can do. You just need some practice is all.
Storyline - The plot seems very contrived. Anybody can write about some kid who's really happy and then gets really sick and bad stuff happens to him. It's obvious. What will really make a reader feel for a character you create is to have him be unique. Make what's happening to him different than in every other short story they've read. Also, specifics and descriptions are very good. Don't get trapped in summarizing what happened. Tell the story in an interesting and subtle way, and it'll definitely make a great read.
Characters - The characters are very general. Really think about who each character is. The best of writers really get to know their characters. The dialogue is also very wooden: think about how people express their feelings through words, and try to do the same for your characters.
General - there are a few mechanical errors that you ought to fix. First of all, your spelling, capitalization and punctuation need proofreading. Ex, "he was feeling nausia" should be "he was feeling nauseous."; "LakesVille" should be "Lakesville"; "Health Class" and "Nurse's Office" should be "health class" and "nurse's office"; "13-Year-Old" should be "thirteen-year-old"; "head-ache" should be "headache", etc. I'm sure you'll be able to spot most of them just by reading it over. Also, you need to start a new line when a new person speaks. This formatting for dialogue is very important (I used to make this mistake all the time, so don't worry.)

The potential's definitely there. Just work on what I've said and you've got the makings of a great story! And don't worry about it if it doesn't work out. You've got plenty of time to develop a knack for writing. It just takes practice and patience! :blink:



Next Reviewer:
Here's my story. Keep in mind that it is a science fiction story, so the language might be a bit... different. Don't worry - it is meant to be. :P And try to read all of it. I know it's long, but it's worth it.

Edited by Evin290, 04 August 2007 - 03:44 AM.

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#16 OFFLINE   Richman99

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Posted 04 August 2007 - 01:04 PM

Overall out of 100: 90
How much did I read: 1st 2 chapters
Language: Very good. Good vocabulary.
Storyline: Defininetly strange. I don't know if the whole thing gets explained, for I didn't read the whole thing. But from here, it has good potential!
Characters: I can't say much because I didn't read the whole thing. Very good however. The Stranger part is intriguing.
General: Very good. It was very intriguing. I want to read more. Keep up the good work.
Next Reviewer: My story... Rise of Galactus Trilogy
Woosh

#17 OFFLINE   Evin290

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Posted 04 August 2007 - 02:45 PM

Overall out of 100 - 60
How much did you read - All of it
Language - The language is good. I still think you're trying a bit too hard. It's not impressive using words as specific as "contusions" while in the same sentence using a word as general as "scary". Also, if I were you, I wouldn't write that little note to the reader at the end of the chapter. Authors who address the reader do so in a very specific way. (Have you read A Series of Unfortunate Events?) One more suggestion I have is, that one a character has a particularly long bit of dialogue, to put "he said" or whatever after the first sentence. For example, you said this:

Quote

"I'm fine, Roton. We're closer than ever of ruling the world. All I need is the last weapon. The one that will grant me a great deal of power and energy! No one can stand in my way then! Everything will be over for those poor people. Their suffering starts soon,"replied Galactus...
This would be a much stronger choice:

Quote

"I'm fine, Roton," replied Galactacus. "We're closer than ever of ruling the world. All I need is the last weapon. The one that will grant me a great deal of power and energy! No one can stand in my way then! Everything will be over for those poor people. Their suffering starts soon."
See what I mean? Sticking on "he replied" at the end is confusing. :D
Storyline - Engaging so far, though I would have preferred more subtlety in finding out that Roton had died. Other than that, I can't say much because there's not much of a plot yet. I look forward to seeing how it turns out.
Characters - The characters are much less general than in the last story, but could still do with gaining specificity. Also, be careful as to how you introduce character traits. Saying "'How.. how are you doing Master?' asked a short man with curly hair, none other than Roton." isn't nearly as strong as saying "'How.. how are you doing Master?' asked Roton, a short man with curly hair." Also, rather than saying "replied Galactus, who had a booming voice", it would be stronger to say "replied Galactus, in his booming voice".
General - The mechanics are much better in this story than in the last one. You still need to work on your proofreading, but that just needs practice. I can tell that your voice is still developing. Don't worry, you just need some practice. Keep writing and you'll get better and better! ^_^



Next Reviewer:
Here's my story (it's the same one as last time, so you don't have to re-review it, Richman). Keep in mind that it is a science fiction story, so the language might be a bit... different. Don't worry - it is meant to be. :P And try to read all of it. I know it's long, but it's worth it.

Edited by Evin290, 05 August 2007 - 10:34 PM.

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#18 OFFLINE   SlashingUK

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Posted 06 August 2007 - 04:54 AM

Review of Extinction by Evin290
Overall out of 100 - 82
How much did you read - Up to chapter 8 (all that was available at time of review)
Language - Very good.  Just a couple of oddities ("awaying" is not a verb, try "backing away"), and some which I presume are deliberate ("everything was shimmering in my head" I would really like to see someone who had the contents of their head shimmering).
Storyline - Brilliant story line and concepts - completely intriguing.  This is the greatest strength of this story.
Characters - I'm unsure about the characters.  They're meant to be "strange" but the protagonist (whose name is James, but we didn't find this out until Chapter 3 for some reason) is either very precocious or lacks credibility as a 10 year old.  The joy of writing from a child's perspective is that you get an opportunity to overlay naivety lost on the protagonist with deeper reading only available to the reader.  One great example of this is To Kill A Mockingbird.  If you're not going to bother doing this, I think it would be better served with an older child, say a mid-teenager.  The quality of his language is too adult for my liking - the narration is adult in style, but the dialogue is more ten-year-old.
General - I think I need to understand what's going on here better to be able to review it properly.  Why are they called Strangers?  It seems an odd name to give to them when normal human beings give birth to them - or am I missing something?  Depends on how they're perceived.  If this happened in reality, I suspect they'd get labelled with some "medical syndrome" like "Evin's syndrome" or something.

I frequently ask my brain questions, but I would never use that phrase.  It's like saying that I asked my leg muscles to take me for a walk.  No, I just go for a walk.  I know it's meant to have an "odd" sound to it, but "brain" has connotations that we can't escape.  I would prefer him to ask his "inner guardian angel" or "subconscious" or some such.

The first couple of chapters were fantastically intriguing.  The more insight we get into James, the less human he seems, and there's less and less sympathy for the reader.  Frannkly, I'm on the side of the seekers.

If this review had been on just the first 3-4 chapters, it would have been a much higher rating.  And, I'm hoping, with the release of later chapters it should be possible to address all of my above concerns, in which case I expect to re-raise my rating accordingly.  The story to chapter 8 just leaves too many questions and oddities.


Next Reviewer:
I've had all the reviews I really wanted, so I'll go for a record and ask for a third review on Heisenberg's Shaman : The River.  Don't worry if you only manage a short review, I just wanted to keep the Reviewing Circle alive and well.

Instructions to reviewers:
Please remember to put in the title of the piece you've reviewed and the author's name.  Also, as a courtesy to anyone keen enough to post here and contribute a review, please post a copy of the review into their story topic, as they're probably keen to keep their story bumped and alive.

Edited by SlashingUK, 06 August 2007 - 04:59 AM.

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#19 OFFLINE   Evin290

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Posted 06 August 2007 - 02:11 PM

Review of Heisenberg's Shaman: The River by SlashingUK
Overall out of 100 -
95
How much did you read - All of it (it took an hour.)
Language - You've got a wonderfully rich tone. Earthy, almost. Your voice is impeccable - you command attention from the reader better than many professional authors (like Edith Wharton :)). Your vocabulary is great, though I've never heard the word "flotsam" used without " and jetsam"... And you use the word "ineffectually" a lot. Try to find a nice synonym. :P
Storyline - Fascinating, absolutely fascinating. The world you've created is inticing and the plot you've created is fantastic! Keep up the good work!
Characters - I love your characterisation of A-Moto. "His accent was thick, but his expressions and intonations so colourful and powerful that it was impossible not to understand him."
General - The first paragraph is very intriguing. It evokes "It was the best of times; it was the worst of times". I can tell it's going to be good right away!

Get rid of the line "Despite being a healthy twenty-seven year old woman," it seems a very forced way to introduce her age. You can definitely find a more natural place for it later in the piece.

Something about the phrase "amorphous yellow crystal" seems off to me. Isn't its rigid geometric shape what makes a crystal a crystal? Even if it were jagged, it wouldn't be "amorphous"...

I love this passage: "I touched the sprig of lavender and brought forth my most faithful and useful spirit companion, Narisel (this is not his true name, since if I told you that, you would have power over him)." It reveals kep information about the world you've created and connects the reader and your protagonist all at the same time, and in a subtle way.

I found a typo in Chapter 6: "“What is the purpose that the charisma exists to fulfil?”"

I found a type in Chapter 17: "his spear-armed ancestors skilfully fought off several of the other attackers"

I wasn't confused at all, like some reviewers were, by Katie's abilities.

I think this passage is my favourite:

SlashingUK said:

The spirit frowned and recoiled a little then, slowly, it proceeded to explore me. With great intimacy and delicacy it entered my thoughts, filling me with perfumed contentment. For a few moments, we were a single entity and then it was over.

We exchanged our true names and gave our binding promises. We would serve and protect each other to the end, being of one mind in all things. We would watch over and care for each other and be each other’s guides in the other’s realm.
The language is -- perfect... :aware:


Next Reviewer:
Here's my story (I'm posting it again! ;)). Keep in mind that it is a science fiction story, so the language might be a bit... different. Don't worry - it is meant to be. :) And try to read all of it. I know it's long, but it's worth it.

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#20 OFFLINE   Cresenne

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Posted 08 August 2007 - 12:16 PM

Review of Extinction by Evin290
Overall out of 100 - 85
How much did you read - all
Language - pretty good in general, you have an intriguing voice that usually keeps the reader interested
Storyline - the conflict and plot are well thought out and interesting
Characters - James is the only character that is thoroughly characterized, but you've done a wonderful job revealing both his and others' personalities
General - the story is different and well written, although there are some points where I got a bit bored. Some words you chose to describe things were a bit odd, and though the dialogue is often interesting, there are a few passages where it's repetitive or overused. You might try to put more description in the first paragraph.

Next Reviewer: Vengeance




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