234 replies to this topic

[-CoSMIC Gears-]

delred, on Apr 4 2010, 06:10 PM, said:

I went through it and found a few mistakes.

Quote

Finway was honored to be of such a noble family,

its honoured

Quote

crafted the armor for many noblemen and knights throughout all of Misthalin.

its armour

Quote

when Finway had slain Delrith as it was rumored to be incredibly powerful against such demons.

its rumoured

Quote

He glanced at the shining saber at his side, the very one he had used three years ago for his first quest.

its re not er

Quote

. Geoffrey Diminus, too, was present, perhaps waiting in line to ask a favor of the king,

its favour

Quote

“I traveled greatly around the world to obtain each one,” he stated, a hint of pride in his otherwise nervous voice.

double L

You repeated a few of this throughout the story.

Delred, both spellings are correct, it's just that Finny's probably American and your British or Canadian. (like me )

[Lifted]

delred, on Apr 4 2010, 06:10 PM, said:

I went through it and found a few mistakes.

Quote

Finway was honored to be of such a noble family,

its honoured

Quote

crafted the armor for many noblemen and knights throughout all of Misthalin.

its armour

Quote

when Finway had slain Delrith as it was rumored to be incredibly powerful against such demons.

its rumoured

Quote

He glanced at the shining saber at his side, the very one he had used three years ago for his first quest.

its re not er

Quote

. Geoffrey Diminus, too, was present, perhaps waiting in line to ask a favor of the king,

its favour

Quote

“I traveled greatly around the world to obtain each one,” he stated, a hint of pride in his otherwise nervous voice.

double L

You repeated a few of this throughout the story.

We Americans spell a few words differently than you brits.

[Finway]

delred, on Apr 4 2010, 06:10 PM, said:

I went through it and found a few mistakes.

Quote

Finway was honored to be of such a noble family,

its honoured

Quote

crafted the armor for many noblemen and knights throughout all of Misthalin.

its armour

Quote

when Finway had slain Delrith as it was rumored to be incredibly powerful against such demons.

its rumoured

Quote

He glanced at the shining saber at his side, the very one he had used three years ago for his first quest.

its re not er

Quote

. Geoffrey Diminus, too, was present, perhaps waiting in line to ask a favor of the king,

its favour

Quote

“I traveled greatly around the world to obtain each one,” he stated, a hint of pride in his otherwise nervous voice.

double L

You repeated a few of this throughout the story.

Quote

Delred, both spellings are correct, it's just that Finny's probably American and your British or Canadian. (like me  )

Rabbit's right. My spellingsa are correct, too!

[-CoSMIC Gears-]

Fake, on Apr 5 2010, 01:30 PM, said:

delred, on Apr 4 2010, 06:10 PM, said:

I went through it and found a few mistakes.

Quote

Finway was honored to be of such a noble family,

its honoured

Quote

crafted the armor for many noblemen and knights throughout all of Misthalin.

its armour

Quote

when Finway had slain Delrith as it was rumored to be incredibly powerful against such demons.

its rumoured

Quote

He glanced at the shining saber at his side, the very one he had used three years ago for his first quest.

its re not er

Quote

. Geoffrey Diminus, too, was present, perhaps waiting in line to ask a favor of the king,

its favour

Quote

“I traveled greatly around the world to obtain each one,” he stated, a hint of pride in his otherwise nervous voice.

double L

You repeated a few of this throughout the story.

We Americans spell a few words differently than you brits.

Or Canadians.  

Edited by rabbitfuzzy0, 05 April 2010 - 04:33 PM.

[delred]

I AM NOT A BRIT I AM AUSTRALIAN GOT THAT!

[Finway]

Quote

Jamal finds the four diamonds of Azzandra. Slightly wrong. You give no explanation on if he's fit, or anything about him. Besides, you have to fight Kamil, an ice barrager in the north of troll territory, kill an undead man and retrieve one from a vampire, find an elusive visibility ring, which requires you to steal some loot with poison locks, and then kill a extrmely powerful man, and finally, go into a smoky well and kill an extremely powerful fire being. Think about that. As far as I know, Jamal is just a boy. That's it.

But how would Finway, or anybody except Jamal, know about those things? If Jamal was the protaganist, then yes, I totally agree that it would be necesary to explain how he had acquired the diamonds. However, seeing as he is not, and that the true protaganist has no idea of the depths that must have been taken to gain the diamonds, I do not see it as necesary.

The next chapter will be out Sunday, as usual.

[-CoSMIC Gears-]

Finway, on Apr 9 2010, 06:13 PM, said:

Quote

Jamal finds the four diamonds of Azzandra. Slightly wrong. You give no explanation on if he's fit, or anything about him. Besides, you have to fight Kamil, an ice barrager in the north of troll territory, kill an undead man and retrieve one from a vampire, find an elusive visibility ring, which requires you to steal some loot with poison locks, and then kill a extrmely powerful man, and finally, go into a smoky well and kill an extremely powerful fire being. Think about that. As far as I know, Jamal is just a boy. That's it.

But how would Finway, or anybody except Jamal, know about those things? If Jamal was the protaganist, then yes, I totally agree that it would be necesary to explain how he had acquired the diamonds. However, seeing as he is not, and that the true protaganist has no idea of the depths that must have been taken to gain the diamonds, I do not see it as necesary.

The next chapter will be out Sunday, as usual.

Yes, but still, taking in the harsh requirements to achieve the diamonds, one must be extremely physically fit. My point being, you should touch your description up with those facts, just about saying that Jamal should be fit.

[Finway]

rabbitfuzzy0, on Apr 9 2010, 05:23 PM, said:

Yes, but still, taking in the harsh requirements to achieve the diamonds, one must be extremely physically fit. My point being, you should touch your description up with those facts, just about saying that Jamal should be fit.

So to create better understanding for the reader? That's understandable, but there are other ways this could come about, I'm sure you'll see my point in future chapters.

[-CoSMIC Gears-]

Finway, on Apr 9 2010, 06:34 PM, said:

rabbitfuzzy0, on Apr 9 2010, 05:23 PM, said:

Yes, but still, taking in the harsh requirements to achieve the diamonds, one must be extremely physically fit. My point being, you should touch your description up with those facts, just about saying that Jamal should be fit.

So to create better understanding for the reader? That's understandable, but there are other ways this could come about, I'm sure you'll see my point in future chapters.

You have a valid point, you're only two chapters in. I suppose I could see Jamal's true colours in a fight.

[Finway]

I just released chapter three, so tell me what you think.

[Lifted]

FILLER LOL.

Joking, of course. This is the beginning of your story so I'm not expecting anything massive to come up, although it does give some insight to what's going to happen. Although you used a case of situational irony, with the reader knowing something before the characters do.

[Finway]

Fake, on Apr 11 2010, 06:16 PM, said:

This is the beginning of your story so I'm not expecting anything massive to come up, although it does give some insight to what's going to happen. Although you used a case of situational irony, with the reader knowing something before the characters do.

You make it seem like that's a bad thing.

[Lifted]

Finway, on Apr 11 2010, 08:03 PM, said:

Fake, on Apr 11 2010, 06:16 PM, said:

This is the beginning of your story so I'm not expecting anything massive to come up, although it does give some insight to what's going to happen. Although you used a case of situational irony, with the reader knowing something before the characters do.

You make it seem like that's a bad thing.

Oh no, of course not, I was actually praising the use of the literary element. Sorry if it came out wrong.

[-CoSMIC Gears-]

Nice chapter, Finway. The language was practically flawless, except for one error I found:

Quote

They had thought that the northern desert had been hot, but south of the Shanty pass was significantly worse.

Shanty>Shantay

---

In my opinion, dialogue overpowered the train of thought and description of this chapter. Also, the chapter was... fairly short, and slightly clumped, subtracting from the quality and appearance of the chapter. It was quite abrupt actually, you seemed to simply skim through three days in one paragraph.  

So, I would actually recommend more description, more, shall we say, narrative for us to read.

Other than that, your ideas flowed quite well, however I felt the transition from Al Kharid, to the Shantay Pass, and then very very quickly to the Bandits' Camp was brief, and unrealistic. In the way you describe distance, something must've happened to them in the desert. They are without travelling animals, and therefore I felt that part was extremely unrealistic and, sorry to say, boring.

Therefore, you should expand

Still, your story is reigning, so, uhh....YAY!!!!!!!



-Wabbit

[Magiks]

This chapter, was very short, and no I'm not expecting a block of text, but at least try a little more.

The way Jamal Falken and Finway shot through the desert kinda ruined the chapter. They should have encountered some trouble, like Muggers, or other Desert Creatures like Scorpions.

[delred]

Another great chapter Finway  it was simply fascinating. I would have to agree with Rabbit and Magiks in the way that the journey was well too easy
the desert is an incredible dangerous place one which it would be very uncommon not too have nothing happen to you. Other than that I found it interesting and very enjoyable.

Your story in my opinion would be the best active one in the Runescape stories section.

[Finway]

I agree, this chapter was quite short, but by no means is their journey (or task, shall we say) over. I did not cover their entire journey, but there were motives behind this. I think you guys are assuming a little too much.

EDIT: I added quite a bit of substance to the chapter where it would fit, a re-read would be nice for those of you who critiqued it's length and such.

Edited by Finway, 12 April 2010 - 05:46 PM.

[delred]

Yeah its better now in my opinion.

[Finway]

delred, on Apr 12 2010, 06:57 PM, said:

Yeah its better now in my opinion.

Hopefully that's consensus. I added a number of paragraphs that added more meaning and clarity to the chapters.

[-CoSMIC Gears-]

A nice add, but still, I would've liked some more action, as they are in the Kharidian Desert, full of many hazards. The thoughts would've taken up about, what, 15 mins. of Finway's (your )time? More! MORE! MOOOORE!!!!!