IPB Elegia Style© Fisana

Jump to content


Memories A new short story by yours truly.


  • Please log in to reply
11 replies to this topic

#1 OFFLINE   Fake

Fake

    Baked Potato With Butter

  • Forum Member
  • 6,573 posts
  • Joined 25 August 2008
  • Skin: Elegia
  • Gender:Male
  • Location:The city that never sleeps.
  • R.S. Name: Real higga
  • R.S. Status: Member

Posted 31 December 2010 - 12:42 AM

NOTE: Might have a lot of grammatical errors, I did it on notepad because my MS word trial ran out. :D


Memories



“Yeahhh, see youu laterrr Mattttt,” the man slowly said to his friend. In this context, though, friend is a rather… kind term to say. The correct term to use would be more along the lines of an… acquaintance. The man was slurring on every word he spoke and he was walking as if he had a limp. He continued to walk down the street, moving in diagonal lines, trying to keep his balance. His eyesight blurred for a moment and he found himself bumping into a stranger who was unwillingly helping him maintain his balance.

“Yo, man, get off of me," the stranger yelled as he knocked him off, causing the man to fall on the floor. The stranger started to walk away, muttering curse words underneath his breath, while walking.

“Oh yeah, I’m, I’m… I’m fine, it’s just that, that,” the man said, not realizing that he was talking to himself, before he walked off, staggering. The man clutched a bottle covered in a brown paper bag and lifted it up as he gulped the slightly bitter tasting drink down his throat and spilled some of the foul drink over his loosened shirt. The man continued his sluggish walk as his eyesight got worse and worse and his ability to walk also was becoming harder with every step he took. It was as if for every step he took blocks upon blocks of cement were being tied to his feet and being spun in different directions.

The man let out a drunk sigh, his breath so foul that any source of life, in front of him, would be polluted for the years to come. Thankfully, there were no signs of life in front of him. The man staggered and laughed as he knew that he still had enough poison left to satisfy his craving, at least until he reached his house and he knew he needed to get to his lonely home to find more of the drug to satisfy his addiction. He laughed to himself as he gulped down another sip, letting the bitter drink sit in his throat, before he swallowed it. He laughed a laugh of pity and self-remorse although his convoluted brain wouldn’t allow him to believe that.

The girl laughed as her father was pushing her on the swing. Her soft hair seemed as if the wind was carrying it ever so gently, almost as if it was trying to savor every small moment. He laughed as him and his wife frolicked around the little girl, catering to her every small whim, so not even a moment of her carefree life could be filled with sorrow. The man hugged his beautiful, young wife as he stroked her long, elegant black hair. He leaned down and kissed his adorable little girl on her silky smooth forehead. The little girl giggled an innocent laugh as she playfully demanded more swings. The father laughed and gave an “elephant hug”, as his daughter called it. As the father was hugging his daughter, the innocent wife jumped on her husband. Everyone exchanged laughs as the husband carried his wife around his daughter, resulting in the happiness of all.

The man laughed an insane laugh to himself but the laughter itself was in such a manner that it was the type of laughter that would follow up a funny joke. The laugh suddenly stopped as he realized the cold, brutal, truth of the situation. He had nobody. He waved his fists in anger as he clumsily gulped down more alcohol, in order to get his mind off the memories. In order to fight the cold, the man let the feeling of warmth and euphoria fill up every pore in his body, as he quickly took another few sips of the alcohol. As quick as the delightful memory had came and gone another one filled the man’s head. Every aspect of the memory was as vivid as when it had first happened.

“Why don’t you go back to that little whore? Why do you keep coming here?” she screamed. A wrinkle or two might have drawn their way upon her skin but her overall beauty and structure was still that of a goddess.

“I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about!” he angrily yelled back, “just calm down and”

“Don’t tell me what to do… Don’t you freakin’ dare tell me what to do!” She screamed at him as her voice started to crack. All throughout the fighting, the little girl’s eyes stared at her mother and father. A lone tear dripping down her cheek. It was a silent cry for help, the only one that she would allow to escape.

“Just listen to me, I promise I’m not seeing anyone other than you!” The man pleaded with her, his hand on his forehead. He wiped off the sweat that was being caused by this ordeal.

“Listen to what? I’ve heard the phonecalls, I’ve seen her!” The women screamed back as she grabbed her hair. She started to push the husband, despite the fact that with every push she just pushed herself back a few steps.

“Stop it, stop it, please,” the man silently pleaded with his wife. His wife stopped for a moment as she leaned on her husband’s chest and let tears flow out of her. When all seemed peaceful she suddenly violently pushed her husband back, causing him to slam his head into the wall. Throbbing in pain he raised his hand to smack his wife but suddenly a deafening scream was heard. Both the husband and the wife turned to see the little girl, awake from her bed. She screamed some more as tears dripped down her face. The man and the wife both started to rush towards the crying girl but the wife suddenly stopped her husband.

“Leave, I’ll handle this,” she softly said.

“You must be out of your damn mind if you think that I’m leaving her with you!” The man, enraged, barked at his wife. He moved towards his daughter, pushing his wife out of his way as he suddenly grabbed his daughter. He lifted her up and whispered to her ear, “Let’s go!” The daughter turned around and started spreading her arms towards her mother, who instantly got the message.

“Give me back my daughter, give me my daughter!” She screamed as she grabbed her husband’s shoulder. Her husband shrugged her off as he continued to make his way towards the door, “No! No! Give me her, I want her! I need her!” The wife screamed as she grabbed her husband’s waist.

“Get off of me!” The husband now roared at his, once beloved, wife. He shifted his weight around, causing his wife to lose her grip on him. She leaned over to grab him but he pulled himself off, causing her to slam onto the ground. The man looked at disbelief at what he had just done but anger quickly found it’s way in his mind. He continued his way towards the door, stamping his feet with every step.

“Momma!” The young girl cried as she was being carried away.

The wife just lay on the floor, crying all her troubles away, “Please, don’t take her!” She said between sobs and suddenly the door closed. She started crying even harder when she realized that they were gone, “please… don’t take her…”


The man grunted in emotional pain, which was being intensified by the alcohol. His heart was being stabbed by the poisoned spear of regret of failure and the poison was beginning to spread throughout his blood. Instead of blood, regret was being pumped by his heart and with every heart beat the man began to find himself swimming in an everlasting ocean of anguish. The man took a step onto the pavement of the road, ignoring all basic signs of precaution. Slowly, he took another step as remnants of his past life started to flood his brain.

He looked into her eyes while hers were set on the television screen. A laugh of friendship escaped from the young couple as she suddenly looked into his eyes as well. Both of them seemed to be lost, exploring the vast frames of each other’s souls. Suddenly he leaned over, slowly and majestically as time seemed to stop for that one magical moment. Their first kiss. They looked into each other’s eyes and simply smiled. That moment had been magical. They suddenly leaned in to each other and spent the rest of the night in each other’s arms.

The man started to stumble with every step he took. Tiredness and drunkenness started to take its toll on the ravaged body. His fingers started to fumble intensely as he reached inside his pocket and attempted to get a decent grip on his phone. After applying psychical effort that could be viewed as unmatchable, he needed more. He searched the vastness of his mind for the number; the number that he had once known like the back of his hand. His mind finally managed to set itself on one number and he slowly dialed it, trying his best not to mess up.

“Co-come on, c-c-com-come on,” he whispered to the phone and as he waited his mind started, once again, started to trek on a journey.

“Don’t come near me!” she yelled at him. As he tried nearing her she started to slap his chest and swiftly scratched him, causing a mixture of blood and sweat drip from his chest.

“Damn it, can you just listen to me?” he angrily questioned her, as he tried to grab her hands in an effort to stop the assault.

“I said, get away from me!” She screamed even louder than before and with each progressing moment her fists would flail even harder and wilder.

“Can you shut up for a moment!” He screamed at her, the temper in his voice was evident now. In response to the threat she lashed her palm at his face and in one quick moment she was on the ground. Blood was coated on the man’s fist as more seeped out of the woman’s jaw. He looked in disbelief at the mistake he had just made. Words started to form from his mouth but blood curdling scream was heard from the door. Both wife and husband turned to see the little girl, who they had presumed to been asleep. The man started to walk to his daughter before being pushed away from the bloody wife.

“Leave,” she silently said to him, “Just leave!” she screamed while fighting back tears.

“You can’t make me go anywhere you crazy,” the man started to speak before a threat rang in his ears.

“Leave, before I call the cops,” with those words the man realized that he had assaulted his wife.

“I don’t care, I’m not going until I get my daughter,” he waved at his daughter to come into his arms. The daughter started to slowly walk towards the father, as if she were in a trance. As she passed her mother, she gave her a blank stare.

“No, don’t go to him, please don’t go to him!” Her mother said as tears started to drip down. Suddenly the daughter ran towards her father and pushed him as hard as she could. The actual force wasn’t much but the shock sent him back a few feet. As soon as the push was over she ran towards her fallen mother and hugged her as hard as she could.

“Fine, I’m out and don’t expect me to come back either!” He screamed at their general direction. He opened the door and stormed out, not even looking over his shoulder. As he was gone the mother and daughter sat there for what seemed an eternity. Suddenly the mother stood up and silently walked towards the door and slowly closed it. As she turned she saw her daughter, face full of tears, staring at her. She instantly ran towards her daughter and got on her knees and started hugging her, intensely, while crying, “I love you so much,” she said, “I love you soo much.”


“Damn it, I-I n-n-need t-to get this-s number,” the man said as the automated messaging system told him that the number he dialed was no longer in service. Searching his mind for the correct digits he dialed again, ignorant of the fact that he was standing in the middle of a street. As the second attempt of getting the number correct had failed, he realized that this was a lost cause. His mind pleaded with him to stop calling as the coldness was too much to bear but his heart fueled him to get the correct number. He dialed again and as he pressed the dial button, a sudden jolt of love passed through his entire core. He could feel as if this number would be the one.

He rejoiced and he felt as if not even a bullet to the chest would be able to phase him. The amount of happiness that he was expressing is indescribable in pictures, let alone words. He held his little baby girl in his hands and he could proudly scream to the world that he was the father of a healthy baby girl. He smiled at his wife and let her hold the tiny miracle.

“She’s beautiful,” the wife said in astonishment and happiness.

The man laughed a bit and tears fell down his face, “It’s because she’s got your face.” Both of them started to laugh as the happiest days of their lives were yet to come, or so they thought.


Bryon, caught in past memories and current excitements, could not notice the bright, white lights approaching from the distance. The man’s eyes widened as he suddenly heard a “Hello?” coming from the phone.

“Hello!” The man almost screamed in excitement, “Listen, it’s me, Bryon. I know I’m probably the last person you want to hear from and trust me, if you don’t want to talk to me after this, you don’t have to. All I want to say is, I’m sorry.”  Bryon felt as if all the alcohol that was poisoning his system had left him and it was replaced with the feeling of hope.

“Umm, I think you have the wrong number. I don’t know any Bryon,” the voice said, “sorry.” With that last crushing word, she hanged up and Bryon felt as if a major blow had been dealt into any chance of him finding happiness again.

After months of hearing statements from your family members and respective friends, I have decided that you two individuals are no longer married in the state of New York. As requested, Grace Winselt will receive none of the earnings that Bryon Mathers has earned himself prior to, and during the time of their marriage. Bryon Mathers will not inherit any of the possessions that Grace Winselt owned prior to the marriage and during the marriage. Furthermore, after viewing both of your financial, emotional, and criminal backgrounds; the court has decided that the custody of Angelica Mathers will be given to Grace Winselt. In respect to this, Bryon Mathers will only be allowed to request a visit to see Angelica Mathers during any national holiday. Court dismissed.”

As the truck was getting closer, Bryon became oblivious to the advancing white lights and the sound of the heavy truck engine in the distance. Perhaps if he had looked, he would be able to see the sleepy truck driver in the distance.

“No,” the man said as he started to sob, “No!” He screamed the heavens as if he was trying to speak to god, himself and he found himself on his knees. “I, I gotta try again,” he said with motivation stamping himself all across his face. The man wiped the tears off his own face before standing up and trying to preserve any self respect that he still had for himself, “I just have to think, think real hard!” He told himself while closing his eyes. Suddenly his mind took him on one final thrill as his adrenaline pushed another memory into his vision.

He laughed a hearty laugh, his life fully ahead of him. Him and his friends were one day before college graduation and they decided to have a graduating party. He was familiar with most of the group except for a few unfamiliar faces here and there. He got up to get an extra straw for himself, as the waitress had forgotten his. As he got up he nearly tripped over an extended leg and barely caught himself before he fell.

“I’m so, sorry! I didn’t see you coming,” the enticing voice said. Turning to her, he looked at the most beautiful women he had ever seen in his life. Every feature of this weapon was perfect. He knew this girl had seen him before as he had seen her face from afar.

“It’s not, it’s not a problem,” he nervously said as his face filled with blush. He passed her, got his straw, and quietly sat at his table. The rest of the night seemed to fly by as he lost sense of all time staring at her beautiful face. As the night came to a halt he remembered walking past her one more time and he stopped. Turning to her he mustered up every amount of courage he had in his soul and somehow more and asked, “Do you want to go home and go to sleep and call it a night? Or spend some time with someone you barely know and have the night of a lifetime?”

She flashed him a beautiful smile and said, “Let’s go.”


He suddenly remembered the number, he quickly dialed the digits, and as soon as he thought he could not get any happier he stopped dialing. He thought for a moment as time seemed to slow down for him. The truck was nearing even more but he was far beyond noticing it, even as the truck driver had woken up and was now blasting his horn. He dialed the last number and called her. The next few rings seemed to last more than just one lifetime. In fact, he felt as if had been born all over again and was given a new opportunity by god. He smiled as he heard the phone being answered and he somehow even heard the breath being taken to speak.
He turned his head to see the truck, a mere inch away from his face. Time seemed to stop for a moment before the impact as he thought over what had happened. His mind laughed and he asked himself if he regretted anything in his life. The truck’s impact to his skull sent him flying several feet, his cellular phone instantly going in a completely other direction. The bottle escaped his grip and smashed into the wall of a nearby building. It burst into a million tiny pieces and screamed as it made contact with the wall. The trucker continued to drive by, hoping to get out of the area as fast as possible. Bryon stared at the night sky and could hear a faint word from the phone.

“Hello?” Bryon heard the word and the word echoed through his mind a million times, it was all he could hear. He felt his eyesight dimming and his heartbeat mimicked that of the noise that is heard when one hundred elephants go on a stampede. He took a painful breath and let the cold darkness settle inside his body.

His mind asked him the question one more time and he wondered for a small moment if he did regret his life, but the answer was painfully obvious.

“Do you, Bryon Mathers, take Grace Winselt to be your lawfully wedded wife? For better or worse?”
“I do…”



Edited by Fake, 03 January 2011 - 06:15 PM.

Posted Image

Posted Image Posted Image
Posted Image

#2 OFFLINE   Click This

Click This

    Kalphite... Queen

  • Forum Member
  • 6,602 posts
  • Joined 20 January 2006
  • Skin: Elegia

Posted 31 December 2010 - 01:51 AM

Click This said:

It was really good. Extremely sad, though.

The beginning has a little bit of run-on, but that's my opinion. A job well done, Fake. :D

#3 OFFLINE   Fake

Fake

    Baked Potato With Butter

  • Forum Member
  • 6,573 posts
  • Joined 25 August 2008
  • Skin: Elegia
  • Gender:Male
  • Location:The city that never sleeps.
  • R.S. Name: Real higga
  • R.S. Status: Member

Posted 31 December 2010 - 04:21 PM

View PostLute, on Dec 31 2010, 01:51 AM, said:

Click This said:

It was really good. Extremely sad, though.

The beginning has a little bit of run-on, but that's my opinion. A job well done, Fake. :D
Thank you.
ALSO: Everyone should know that I'm going to post a second,  more detailed version than this one.
Posted Image

Posted Image Posted Image
Posted Image

#4 OFFLINE   Seaconmorae

Seaconmorae

    Swarm

  • Forum Member
  • 692 posts
  • Joined 01 February 2010
  • Skin: Elegia
  • Gender:Male
  • Location:Oklahoma
  • R.S. Name: Senketzu
  • R.S. Status: Member

Posted 01 January 2011 - 02:19 AM

“Don’t come near me!” she yelled at him. As he tried nearing her she started to slap his chest and swiftly scratched him, causing a mixture of blood and sweat drip from his chest.

Isnt it to drip from his face?



“Can you shut up for a moment!” He screamed at her, the temper in his voice was evident now. In response to the threat she lashed her palm at his face and in one 
quick moment she was on the ground. Blood was coated on the man’s fist as more seeped out of the woman’s jaw. He looked in disbelief at the mistake he had just made. Words started to form from his mouth but blood curdling scream was heard from the door. Both wife and husband turned to see the little girl, who they had presumed to been asleep. The man started to walk to his daughter before being pushed away from the bloody wife.


Split up by a line


“No,” the man said as he started to sob, “No!” He screamed the heavens as if he was trying to speak to god, himself and he found himself on his knees. “I, I gott
a try again,” he said with motivation stamping himself all across his face. The man wiped the tears off his own face before standing up and trying to preserve any self respect that he still had for himself, “I just have to think, think real hard!” He told himself while closing his eyes. Suddenly his mind took him on one final thrill as his adrenaline pushed another memory into his vision.


Split up by a line.[/quote]

Very nice! As you can see, I pointed out the only mistakes I saw. I'm quite flattered that you personally pmed me to look at it. IOC I was rating this, it would either be 10 or a 9.7... Cuz tge mistakes.( mostly ten, cuz notepad doesn't correct nor does it point out mistakes.

I loved. it. At first I didn't see much. But after a few more sentences, I could picture it all inside my head nearly every detail you explained. I also pictured it as a foggy memory. Cuz he was drunk, and memories can't be 100% accurate. I loved it!
RS hit counter
It's really awesome! You won't regret trying it out.

#5 OFFLINE   -CoSMIC Gears-

-CoSMIC Gears-

    Posessed Pickaxe

  • Forum Member
  • 1,435 posts
  • Joined 04 July 2009
  • Skin: Elegia

Posted 01 January 2011 - 04:38 AM

Really nice Fake. :D I like the ploy of a man who has lost a lot turning to partying, drugs and alcohol.

Sea: She scratched his chest, not his face.
Spoiler

SuperMIC was one of my other names. :o

If you've done it once, you can do it again.
-Rabbitfuzzy0

There is no elevator to success, you have to take the stairs.
-Anonymous

#6 OFFLINE   Seaconmorae

Seaconmorae

    Swarm

  • Forum Member
  • 692 posts
  • Joined 01 February 2010
  • Skin: Elegia
  • Gender:Male
  • Location:Oklahoma
  • R.S. Name: Senketzu
  • R.S. Status: Member

Posted 01 January 2011 - 04:01 PM

Oops well he still messed up :D
RS hit counter
It's really awesome! You won't regret trying it out.

#7 OFFLINE   hlow

hlow

    Basilisk

  • Forum Member
  • 1,592 posts
  • Joined 24 November 2008
  • Skin: Elegia
  • Gender:Not Telling
  • Location:lol
  • R.S. Status: Retired

Posted 01 January 2011 - 09:02 PM

I must say, that was a pretty good story.
The main character starts off, drunk; displaying his current state of himself, miserable. He then recalls on his past (what had originally brought him to where he was now). We learn more about this character's history through flashbacks, and mostly about his ruined relationship (with his ex-wife, I suppose). Realizing what he had done, he calls his wife in an attempt to say sorry (I was a litte confused about the 'wrong number' part, but on the second attempt, he is hit by a truck, signalling that he was already too late. I can totally see that the character development is a key part to the story.

I found a little technical error that may leave a few readers scratching their heads. In the fourth paragraph, Bryon is said to almost finish the last remnants of his alcohol. Then in the sixth paragraph, he gulps and takes a few more sips. Do you understand what I'm trying to say here?

Near the beginning of the story, he has a brief confrontation with a stranger. This part, I thought, was a little unnecessary. Maybe, having the stranger shove the main character down would truly exhibit Bryon's helplesness and be more of an asset to the story.

I'm not going to even touch the grammar mistakes because I'm sure there are rare amounts of them. Even if there were, I'm positive they were uintentional (although most grammar mistakes are).

Overall, I enjoyed this story. Great job, and keep on writing!

#8 OFFLINE   As

As

    Kurask

  • Forum Member
  • 3,349 posts
  • Joined 23 September 2008
  • Skin: Elegia
  • Gender:Male
  • Location:Straya mate
  • R.S. Name: As780
  • R.S. Status: Freeplayer
  • Clan: Sals

Posted 02 January 2011 - 04:50 AM

I really enjoyed this Fake, my only gripe is really what a couple of other's have said; to just shorten the introduction a little bit.

Posted Image


#9 OFFLINE   Linux

Linux

    Shade

  • Forum Member
  • 3,268 posts
  • Joined 15 August 2008
  • Skin: IP.Board
  • Gender:Male
  • Location:hi
  • R.S. Name: So True
  • R.S. Status: Member
  • Clan: DGS

Posted 02 January 2011 - 06:27 PM

Pretty good, saw it from your RS Story, so your Ad worked :(
Little confusing, although I find it hard to believe that the guy cheated on his wife by there nice history.

:D
~Matthew
Posted Image
A big thanks goes to Prodigy :D

#10 OFFLINE   Finway

Finway

    Optima dies...prima fugit

  • Forum Member
  • 4,039 posts
  • Joined 16 June 2007
  • Skin: Elegia
  • Gender:Male
  • Location:Somewhere over the rainbow.
  • R.S. Name: Finway
  • R.S. Status: Retired

Posted 02 January 2011 - 10:06 PM

Beautiful short story, Fake! Absolutely brilliant plot with stunning visualization. I noticed a few errors (most of which, frankly enough, MS word would have caught :D).

Quote

“Yeahhh, see youu laterrr Mattttt,” the man slowly said to his friend. In this context, though, friend is a rather… kind term to say. The correct term to use would be more along the lines of an… acquaintance. The man was slurring on every word he spoke and he was walking as if he had a limp. He continued to walk down the street, moving in diagonal lines, trying to keep his balance. His eyesight blurred for a moment and he found himself bumping into a stranger who was unwillingly helping him maintain his balance.
Your non-dialogue wording seems like you're on a familiar level with the reader, but that hasn't been established yet. I would remove the "..." after "rather" and the one after "an". It makes the atmosphere of the story seem much more professional.

Quote

“Oh yeah, I’m, I’m… I’m fine, it’s just that, that,” the man said before he walked off, staggering. The stranger took a last look at him and shook his head in sympathy as he continued walking. The man clutched a bottle covered in a brown paper bag and lifted it up as he gulped the slightly bitter tasting drink down his throat and spilled some of the foul drink over his loosened shirt. The man continued his sluggish walk as his eyesight got worse and worse and his ability to walk also get worse with every step he took. It was as if for every step he took blocks upon blocks of cement were being tied to his feet and being spun in different directions.
The word "that," in the dialogue, could use a "..." after it. Also, "also get" should be "also got". However, that would mean the generic "got" is repeated twice in the same sentence; you should replace that with a more juicy word. :(

Quote

The man let out a drunk sigh, his breath so foul that any source of young life, in front of him, would be polluted for the years to come. Thankfully, there were no signs of life in front of him.
What exactly do you mean by "any source of young life"? I took that to mean a human youth, but in hindsight I don't know what you're referring to.

There were a few errors that I missed (only MS word and similar programs are similar in that regard :P), so I'll critique the story. It was gorgeous - everything from the emotion to the wording. It's definitely one of the best short stories I've read here at Sal's. The very plot itself was moving and explained to it's full potential. It gave me a (necesary) sense of insecurity that helped me sympathize with the characters, particularly the young girl who witnessed her parents clashing in front of her.

The flashback set up was just a wee bit confusing when you switched from a happy memory to a sad memory and then back to happy memories, but I got it down. I'm not sure if there's anything to change regarding that, but if there isn't, don't even worry about it.

Overall a beautiful story; it was, in my opinion, your best work yet. :D

How popular am I?
Posted Image
This popular


#11 OFFLINE   Master Neverdead

Master Neverdead

    In Verses, Prophecies, and Curses

  • Retired/Inactive Mod
  • 1,534 posts
  • Joined 08 October 2005
  • Skin: Elegia
  • Gender:Male
  • Location:A Book
  • R.S. Name: Hexias
  • R.S. Status: Retired

Posted 26 February 2012 - 09:55 AM

Overall rating out of 100 - 89

How much of the story did you read: Entire Thing

Comments on: Commas! My friend, this piece hangs on the edge of greatness, only repetitive comma misuse holds this work back. Well that and some mixed connotations caused by some incorrect word choices. Overall though, the imagery is vivid and interesting and the story is chock full of emotional drama. I was genuinely entertained by this piece, so I found it hard to take too many marks off for the grammar, mechanical, and syntax mistakes.
  • Language [13] - As mentioned above, the comma misuse is nearly painful. I've posted examples below. Aside from that your vocabulary is strong and word usage almost perfect. Just pay slightly more consideration to context agreement of your word choices.
  • Storyline [25] - Emotional and intense. This is the strength of the piece.
  • Characters [22] - The only reason for the lack of a perfect score is that these 'almost there' characters are missing that one big piece of characterization. You can see them fighting about a potential affair and the husband is upset for some reason with her, but neither of these is ever made clear. I am left with questions and I should be feeling satisfied that I know exactly what is going on with all of them.
  • General [29] - As already mentioned, the readability is damaged by, in many places, poor sentence structure, misplaced commas, and some rare word usage errors. Other than that, this is a read I will recommend in the future to someone looking for a fascinating, detailed piece centered around emotion. Well done Fake!
Please Review - Another Day at the Office

Examples of comma misuse that you should fix. I will post three and you can find the rest. Doing so though will lift the piece up and make it far more readable.

Quote

The laugh suddenly stopped as he realized the cold, brutal, truth of the situation.

The laugh suddenly stopped as he realized the cold, brutal truth of the situation.

Quote

“Oh yeah, I’m, I’m… I’m fine, it’s just that, that,” the man said, not realizing that he was talking to himself, before he walked off, staggering.

More than just commas with this one, it is a run-on sentence as well but you used commas to justify it. Here is how this sentence should read with proper grammar.

"Oh yeah, I'm...I'm fine, it's just...th-that," the man said without realizing he was talking to himself as he staggered off.

Quote

He continued to walk down the street, moving in diagonal lines, trying to keep his balance.

He continued to walk down the street, moving in diagonal lines in an attempt to keep his balance.

Good luck!

Posted Image
Eternal Kudos to Naughty
"The only reason for being a professional writer is that you can't help it." - Leo Calvin Rosten


#12 OFFLINE   Fake

Fake

    Baked Potato With Butter

  • Forum Member
  • 6,573 posts
  • Joined 25 August 2008
  • Skin: Elegia
  • Gender:Male
  • Location:The city that never sleeps.
  • R.S. Name: Real higga
  • R.S. Status: Member

Posted 26 February 2012 - 01:28 PM

Spoiler
Thanks for the review Hexias! I don't have time now but I'll be sure to fix up my story and submit it in for review again. :)
Posted Image

Posted Image Posted Image
Posted Image




0 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users