Anyway, I stopped at chapter 2. The biggest problem with your story is that you have a great plot, but your choice of wording... bores the reader. Let me see if I can "jazz it up" (Who says that nowadays... ME! No, not really...) in any way possible.
He couldn't stop thinking of the battle, the battle that killed his only nine "friends". Inferus never had any friends until he was assigned to lead the unit, and just when he was fitting in they all perished in the blink of an eye. It was his fault. If he wasn't so terrified, he could have slain those ten Zamorakian Necromancers. He was given the privilege of being the commander of the very first Guthixian unit in the Fifth Age God Wars, and he failed his first duty. He allowed Zamorak the first blood. He allowed the most important battle in any war to slip away.
What a coward he was. Even before the unit fought to their death, he ran away, thinking it would be better to live with himself ashamed of his past actions than die in honor.
The only solution to not feel guilty was to avenge his teammates. Inferus must carry out what he previously failed, but now at a disadvantage: He was alone.
Darkness shaded his vision as he stumbled around the barren land. He moved mindlessly, unsure if he was going the right way. A twig cracked, and he jumped at the sound of it. It was all he could do in this battlefield of immeasurable length. This man was Inferus. He was the last survivor of the 1st Wizardy Unit of Guthix. The worst thing about him, he thought, was that he was a coward.
He couldn't stop thinking about the battle, the battle that had killed his only nine friends. He couldn't get that one scene out of his head.
"Inferus! We're being ambushed!" yelled a man.
Inferus looked from side to side, watching his surprised and scared friends running about and trying to fend off the oncoming Zamorakian Necromancers. He could feel his own body quivering as what seemed like tonnes of adrenaline rushed through his body.
He couldn't take it anymore. He bolted and sprinted away, not looking behind. What was he doing? His inner instincts were screaming at him, Go back! GO BACK! but his body refused. Panicked, he ran up a barren hill of rock. Flames burned in the distance, shedding little light through the darkness. Standing on top of the hill, he surveyed the patch of land he had just fleed from. Nine dead bodies were seen on the dank and dirty ground. Something inside him cracked. He wanted to break down and cry, but he couldn't bring himself to it. Utterly shocked and traumatized at the actions he had just taken, he ran away.
Those two words played in slow-motion over and over again.
He mouthed "I'm sorry," but he knew no one was listening. Even if his friends were seeing him in heaven, he knew they wouldn't care. It was the choice that had ruined his life. Why couldn't he have done the hero-like act? To stay and die in valour? He was a coward. A stupid ugly coward.
Inferus kicked himself in the shin and told himself to stay focused, but he still couldn't shake the guilt and humiliation away. He had been given the privilege of being the commander of the first unit of Guthix. And he had failed his first task.
Inferus kicked the ground in anger. He was about to yell "WHY?" but his better judgement told him not to because he would attract attention. He inhaled deeply and decided to focus on his mission: to avenge his friends. However, Inferus was at a disadvantage: On a deadly battlefield, he was completely and utterly alone.
AND THAT WASN'T EVEN EDITED! IT COULD BE SO MUCH BETTER THAN THAT! You can make each of your chapters longer than that, and I will guarantee you it will work wonders for you.
So yeah, it might seem like a lot, but just ask yourselves questions as you review your work. Think literally and figuratively:
Literally: What can I add here to make it more interesting? What plot twists can I add?
Figuratively: What does Inferus look like? What does he feel physically? Mentally?What does the air smell like? What does Inferus see at this point? What is the setting like? What is going through his mind at this point?
Ask yourself questions, and write down the answers. That counts as description. Not kidding.
Either way, if you're able to pull this off... you can attract some very serious critiquers. (E.g. Luna, Fake, delred... Heck, I'll give you a full review.)
I suppose I'll rewrite a few of the first chapters, seeing as you seem to be only on chapter 2 .
EDIT: Yay two pages.
EDIT2: Alright, done editing. I believe it's safe to say the length of chapter 1 has been about doubled .
Edited by Guitarguy, 03 June 2011 - 08:36 PM.