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Redemption Unnecessarily Part 2 out!


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#21 ONLINE   Guitarguy

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Posted 03 June 2011 - 07:24 PM

View Postrabbitfuzzy0, on Jun 3 2011, 05:55 PM, said:

Hey dude, I read your story again... but it's really hard. I really really extremely awesomely yes gods wee Zezima AMGTHEAWESOMENESS lol laalala recommend that you add a ton of more description. What? I just didn't make any sense? Nonsense...

Anyway, I stopped at chapter 2. The biggest problem with your story is that you have a great plot, but your choice of wording... bores the reader. Let me see if I can "jazz it up" (Who says that nowadays... ME! No, not really...) in any way possible.

Quote

He continued to wander around through the shady barren mindlessly. Inferus, the last survivor of the 1st Wizardry Unit of Guthix, now had to survive on his own in the center of a battlefield of unmeasurable lengths.
He couldn't stop thinking of the battle, the battle that killed his only nine "friends". Inferus never had any friends until he was assigned to lead the unit, and just when he was fitting in they all perished in the blink of an eye. It was his fault. If he wasn't so terrified, he could have slain those ten Zamorakian Necromancers. He was given the privilege of being the commander of the very first Guthixian unit in the Fifth Age God Wars, and he failed his first duty. He allowed Zamorak the first blood. He allowed the most important battle in any war to slip away.
What a coward he was. Even before the unit fought to their death, he ran away, thinking it would be better to live with himself ashamed of his past actions than die in honor.
The only solution to not feel guilty was to avenge his teammates. Inferus must carry out what he previously failed, but now at a disadvantage: He was alone.

Darkness shaded his vision as he stumbled around the barren land. He moved mindlessly, unsure if he was going the right way. A twig cracked, and he jumped at the sound of it. It was all he could do in this battlefield of immeasurable length. This man was Inferus. He was the last survivor of the 1st Wizardy Unit of Guthix. The worst thing about him, he thought, was that he was a coward.

He couldn't stop thinking about the battle, the battle that had killed his only nine friends. He couldn't get that one scene out of his head.

"Inferus! We're being ambushed!" yelled a man.

Inferus looked from side to side, watching his surprised and scared friends running about and trying to fend off the oncoming Zamorakian Necromancers. He could feel his own body quivering as what seemed like tonnes of adrenaline rushed through his body.

"Inferus! Inferus!"

He couldn't take it anymore. He bolted and sprinted away, not looking behind. What was he doing? His inner instincts were screaming at him,
Go back! GO BACK! but his body refused. Panicked, he ran up a barren hill of rock. Flames burned in the distance, shedding little light through the darkness. Standing on top of the hill, he surveyed the patch of land he had just fleed from. Nine dead bodies were seen on the dank and dirty ground. Something inside him cracked. He wanted to break down and cry, but he couldn't bring himself to it. Utterly shocked and traumatized at the actions he had just taken, he ran away.

Those two words played in slow-motion over and over again.

"Inferus! INFERUS!"

He mouthed "I'm sorry," but he knew no one was listening. Even if his friends were seeing him in heaven, he knew they wouldn't care. It was the choice that had ruined his life. Why couldn't he have done the hero-like act? To stay and die in valour? He was a coward. A stupid ugly coward.

Inferus kicked himself in the shin and told himself to stay focused, but he still couldn't shake the guilt and humiliation away. He had been given the privilege of being the commander of the first unit of Guthix. And he had failed his first task.

Inferus kicked the ground in anger. He was about to yell "WHY?" but his better judgement told him not to because he would attract attention. He inhaled deeply and decided to focus on his mission: to avenge his friends. However, Inferus was at a disadvantage: On a deadly battlefield, he was completely and utterly alone.

---

AND THAT WASN'T EVEN EDITED! IT COULD BE SO MUCH BETTER THAN THAT! You can make each of your chapters longer than that, and I will guarantee you it will work wonders for you.

So yeah, it might seem like a lot, but just ask yourselves questions as you review your work. Think literally and figuratively:

Literally: What can I add here to make it more interesting? What plot twists can I add?

Figuratively: What does Inferus look like? What does he feel physically? Mentally?What does the air smell like? What does Inferus see at this point? What is the setting like? What is going through his mind at this point?

Ask yourself questions, and write down the answers. That counts as description. Not kidding.

Either way, if you're able to pull this off... you can attract some very serious critiquers. :( (E.g. Luna, Fake, delred... Heck, I'll give you a full review.)

-Wabbit
Thanks for the extra feedback, I understand what I'm missing to a further extent now. That rewrite seemed very appropriate and expressed what I intended to convey nearly perfectly (I won't steal it, though :P), so I know now the benefit of including such description.

I suppose I'll rewrite a few of the first chapters, seeing as you seem to be only on chapter 2 :D.

EDIT: Yay two pages.

EDIT2: Alright, done editing. I believe it's safe to say the length of chapter 1 has been about doubled :D.

Edited by Guitarguy, 03 June 2011 - 08:36 PM.

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#22 OFFLINE   Kabutops

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Posted 04 June 2011 - 08:31 AM

This is a nice story to read while making cannonballs. It fills those blank times.

Thanks for writing such a nice story :D

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#23 OFFLINE   -CoSMIC Gears-

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Posted 04 June 2011 - 10:21 AM

Quote

Inferus got a firm grip on his Staff of Jas, given to him personally by Guthix. Such a precious gift seemed impossible for him to surrender. Then again, he previously thought the same thing about his teammates. They were surrendered instinctively.
However, this staff was different in a mysterious way. Guthix specifically gave a unlimited-powered weapon named appropriately after an elder god to Inferus specifically.
It was as if Guthix trusted him above anybody else to win. And Inferus knew that was correct. Guthix was the wisest being he'd ever known. His god couldn't be wrong. Inferus would kill those necromancers without worry.
The environment was gloomy, depressing, and full of dead trees, some of which were perpetually combusted for Zamorak's favor. It was much like the Wilderness, but even worse, and even more barren. Furthermore, it was inhabited by real God Wars soldiers - not revenants.
The air gave outsiders an uneasy feeling. The moment Inferus left the boundaries of Guthix's base, he knew he was in hostile territory. An ounce of breath could give any regular human an unwelcoming feeling. It was like the scent of Hell.
A shock ran through Inferus' body. Perhaps he shouldn't have thought so hard. He felt uncomfortable both mentally and physically, but was still confident enough to move on. Resting may have been helpful at the time, but he had the motivation to kill the Zamorakians as quickly as possible.
He pulled out one of his talismans, which was now nothing more than a compass. The altars back in the Kingdoms of Misthalin and Asgarnia were South from his current location along with the gates to Guthix's fortress, and the Fortress that Zamorak resided in was North. Between all of it was the land created by the volcanic eruptions caused by Zamorak's anger, now turned into a dreadful battlefield.
Inferus fled to the South when the battle occurred, so now he would travel North, to where the Necromancers should be. Slight damage by injury would probably cause them to recover in a nearby fort. With them at rest, he had the element of surprise: More important than any of the elements engraved into his runes.
He would have traveled South to recuperate and replenish his troop count, but that wouldn't be the proper vengeance. He wouldn't feel satisfied being given a stronger squadron by Guthix to obtain revenge on his former party's killers. Not only that, but it would be a dishonor to return to Guthix with the job unfinished. He was trusted to complete his work. Denying that would be a terrible betrayal
He put his talisman back into his backpack, stood up, and began walking. All that lay ahead at this point was redemption.

Doubled? More like quadrupled!

Anyway, that was an enjoyable chapter. I got through it without any hesitation at all. (Which is good, btw :( )

Okay, now I have more substance I can give this a serious review.

Here are your grammatical and spelling errors:

Quote

Inferus got a firm grip on his Staff of Jas

I think "got" should be "had." Got implies that he just picked it up from the ground and "got" a firm grip on it. Had implies that his grip had been firm the entire time.

Quote

It was much like the Wilderness, but even worse, and even more barren.

Omit either one of the "even"s. Personally, I'd take out the second one, but it's up to you to decide.

Quote

some of which were perpetually combusted for Zamorak's favor.

"Perpetually" implies forever... but as we all know, dead animal and plant matter rots and eventually decomposes, so it won't be forever combusted, correct? Just remove the word "perpetually."

Quote

it was inhabited by real God Wars soldiers

This phrase is kind of awkward. I mean, I guess it's fine the way it is now, but it would be better if you changed it to "soldiers from the God Wars."

Quote

An ounce of breath could give any regular human an unwelcoming feeling.

This sentence has an unclear meaning. This implies that even their own breathing gives themself an uneasy feeling. You could change it to, "An ounce of breath from anyone but themself could give any regular human an unwelcoming feeling," or something along the lines of that.

Quote

He felt uncomfortable both mentally and physically, but was still confident enough to move on. Resting may have been helpful at the time, but he had the motivation to kill the Zamorakians as quickly as possible.

No problems with these sentences, but I'd like to point out that these was my favourite phrase in your entire chapter. :D

Quote

With them at rest, he had the element of surprise: More important than any of the elements engraved into his runes.

I also really like this sentence. You've just somewhat proved to me that you have creativity. Come up with another of those sentences (you may have, but I probably haven't reached it) and you'll earn my full approval.

Quote

Denying that would be a terrible betrayal

You're missing a period at the end of that sentence.

---

Grammar and spell check done!

Now we move on to the more figurative aspects of your writing.

You set up your plot somehwhat nicely - but it is still unclear to me whether you have a clear conflict, antagonist, or actually, plot. The antagonist could be eiher Zamorak or his necromancers but you need to set one clear thing or person to be the antagonist. But you have proven that you have a pulse by setting a protagonist already.

Quote

Guthix was the wisest being he'd ever known. His god couldn't be wrong. Inferus would kill those necromancers without worry.

This was the biggest mistake in your chapter. These sentences imply that nothing can possibly go wrong, eliminating the entire worry/fear effect we have and thus, lessening the enjoyment of our reading.

Either way, just work on the aspects I told you to and this chapter will be amazing.

I look forward to your next edits.

8.5/10 for this chapter.

-Wabbit

P.S. I advise you correct your spelling errors. You'll quickly lose respect not just from me if you don't correct your literal errors. (Did I sound mean? Apologies if I did. Just type in "bunny with a pancake on its head" to make yourself feel better. You can also express greaterness with the fact that I'm only 11.)
Spoiler

SuperMIC was one of my other names. :o

If you've done it once, you can do it again.
-Rabbitfuzzy0

There is no elevator to success, you have to take the stairs.
-Anonymous

#24 ONLINE   Guitarguy

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Posted 04 June 2011 - 03:52 PM

View Postrabbitfuzzy0, on Jun 4 2011, 11:21 AM, said:

Quote

Inferus got a firm grip on his Staff of Jas, given to him personally by Guthix. Such a precious gift seemed impossible for him to surrender. Then again, he previously thought the same thing about his teammates. They were surrendered instinctively.
However, this staff was different in a mysterious way. Guthix specifically gave a unlimited-powered weapon named appropriately after an elder god to Inferus specifically.
It was as if Guthix trusted him above anybody else to win. And Inferus knew that was correct. Guthix was the wisest being he'd ever known. His god couldn't be wrong. Inferus would kill those necromancers without worry.
The environment was gloomy, depressing, and full of dead trees, some of which were perpetually combusted for Zamorak's favor. It was much like the Wilderness, but even worse, and even more barren. Furthermore, it was inhabited by real God Wars soldiers - not revenants.
The air gave outsiders an uneasy feeling. The moment Inferus left the boundaries of Guthix's base, he knew he was in hostile territory. An ounce of breath could give any regular human an unwelcoming feeling. It was like the scent of Hell.
A shock ran through Inferus' body. Perhaps he shouldn't have thought so hard. He felt uncomfortable both mentally and physically, but was still confident enough to move on. Resting may have been helpful at the time, but he had the motivation to kill the Zamorakians as quickly as possible.
He pulled out one of his talismans, which was now nothing more than a compass. The altars back in the Kingdoms of Misthalin and Asgarnia were South from his current location along with the gates to Guthix's fortress, and the Fortress that Zamorak resided in was North. Between all of it was the land created by the volcanic eruptions caused by Zamorak's anger, now turned into a dreadful battlefield.
Inferus fled to the South when the battle occurred, so now he would travel North, to where the Necromancers should be. Slight damage by injury would probably cause them to recover in a nearby fort. With them at rest, he had the element of surprise: More important than any of the elements engraved into his runes.
He would have traveled South to recuperate and replenish his troop count, but that wouldn't be the proper vengeance. He wouldn't feel satisfied being given a stronger squadron by Guthix to obtain revenge on his former party's killers. Not only that, but it would be a dishonor to return to Guthix with the job unfinished. He was trusted to complete his work. Denying that would be a terrible betrayal
He put his talisman back into his backpack, stood up, and began walking. All that lay ahead at this point was redemption.

Doubled? More like quadrupled!

Anyway, that was an enjoyable chapter. I got through it without any hesitation at all. (Which is good, btw :P )

Okay, now I have more substance I can give this a serious review.

Here are your grammatical and spelling errors:

Quote

Inferus got a firm grip on his Staff of Jas

I think "got" should be "had." Got implies that he just picked it up from the ground and "got" a firm grip on it. Had implies that his grip had been firm the entire time.

Quote

It was much like the Wilderness, but even worse, and even more barren.

Omit either one of the "even"s. Personally, I'd take out the second one, but it's up to you to decide.

Quote

some of which were perpetually combusted for Zamorak's favor.

"Perpetually" implies forever... but as we all know, dead animal and plant matter rots and eventually decomposes, so it won't be forever combusted, correct? Just remove the word "perpetually."

Quote

it was inhabited by real God Wars soldiers

This phrase is kind of awkward. I mean, I guess it's fine the way it is now, but it would be better if you changed it to "soldiers from the God Wars."

Quote

An ounce of breath could give any regular human an unwelcoming feeling.

This sentence has an unclear meaning. This implies that even their own breathing gives themself an uneasy feeling. You could change it to, "An ounce of breath from anyone but themself could give any regular human an unwelcoming feeling," or something along the lines of that.

Quote

He felt uncomfortable both mentally and physically, but was still confident enough to move on. Resting may have been helpful at the time, but he had the motivation to kill the Zamorakians as quickly as possible.

No problems with these sentences, but I'd like to point out that these was my favourite phrase in your entire chapter. :(

Quote

With them at rest, he had the element of surprise: More important than any of the elements engraved into his runes.

I also really like this sentence. You've just somewhat proved to me that you have creativity. Come up with another of those sentences (you may have, but I probably haven't reached it) and you'll earn my full approval.

Quote

Denying that would be a terrible betrayal

You're missing a period at the end of that sentence.

---

Grammar and spell check done!

Now we move on to the more figurative aspects of your writing.

You set up your plot somehwhat nicely - but it is still unclear to me whether you have a clear conflict, antagonist, or actually, plot. The antagonist could be eiher Zamorak or his necromancers but you need to set one clear thing or person to be the antagonist. But you have proven that you have a pulse by setting a protagonist already.

Quote

Guthix was the wisest being he'd ever known. His god couldn't be wrong. Inferus would kill those necromancers without worry.

This was the biggest mistake in your chapter. These sentences imply that nothing can possibly go wrong, eliminating the entire worry/fear effect we have and thus, lessening the enjoyment of our reading.

Either way, just work on the aspects I told you to and this chapter will be amazing.

I look forward to your next edits.

8.5/10 for this chapter.

-Wabbit

P.S. I advise you correct your spelling errors. You'll quickly lose respect not just from me if you don't correct your literal errors. (Did I sound mean? Apologies if I did. Just type in "bunny with a pancake on its head" to make yourself feel better. You can also express greaterness with the fact that I'm only 11.)
:D

~bunny with a pancake on its head

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