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Timeless Favor A poem I wrote

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#1 OFFLINE   The Skiller

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Posted 17 September 2011 - 08:47 PM

Hey guys, wrote this poem, in Shakespear "sonnet form". It was going to be for my english project but I accidently forgot to print it, and now it's just sitting here.

I hope you like it.

Timeless Favor

The Father that can never lose a battle---A
The man who is new but also is old---B
He who always brings in the cattle---A
Has lessons to teach and stories to be told---B
You cause plants to wither and die---C
You bring life to death and back again---D
Time I need you, for you created I---C
You hatch the eggs laid by the hen---D
But I must ask a favor of you---E
And I wonít take no as a reply---F
You must do as I tell you to---E
Time, donít ever let me die---F
Keep me as the boy I am here---G
For growing old is my biggest fear---G

The letters at the end of each line is showing the rhyme scheme.
Check it out --> http://runescape.sal...let-of-lutonya/

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#2 OFFLINE   Sea Rayn

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Posted 10 April 2012 - 10:06 PM

I think you have the basics of a sonnet down well. Your rhyme scheme is correct and your rhythm is fairly smooth (I have a slight problem with line 7, the rhyme is slightly forced which throws off the rhythm. Only a minor critisism, mind you).  You also have the general premise of a sonnet down as well.  Your final couplet echos the theme.

I won't comment on whether you are in proper meter, I am terrible at iambic pentameter :-(.

As for the less technical side of things, I like your subject matter and your "conversation" with Time.

Having said all of this, I haven't studied sonnet structure fully.  I read up enough, so far, to create a first effort myself and that is all. Anything I remember from school was way too long ago *cough*.

Edited by Sea Rayn, 10 April 2012 - 10:06 PM.

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