I've bought a three month membership so I guess I'm playing again, I've spent my spare time in the past week mostly Slaying and Dungeoneering. One thing, though, I feel like it's time for a new username. Daddy Rune0 is stale and, let's face it, completely irrelevant to everything. To my knowledge I'm not a father, and I'm not rich enough to be a "daddy". I'm trying to think of a new username, suggestions, guys?
Also, what's up with Divination? I'll train it regardless, but what are its practical applications?
It's so weird to come back here on a whim and see so many familiar names so quickly. I don't have much to say about my life at the moment, living with a friend from uni and my girlfriend, working at Dominos and not heading anywhere right now... but the main thing is that I'm happy. Which is sort of a big thing, idk.
I don't know how long I'll stick around, but I missed this place. The community here was a massive influence on how I've turned out so far, and I'm so, so grateful.
So for the past ~3.5 weeks I have been living in Townsville, in a dorm at the university here... I like it. At times, it's the happiest I have been in a long time.
But, at the same time, I am terrible with people and the motions are so draining. Smiling at the right time. Saying the right words. Helping those who need help. Sometimes it's too much and whenever I'm alone it all catches up. I can't tell if I am fine or horribly depressed. I just finished crying alone in my room while I read a book.
I'll definitely be staying next year. I have friends again, it's been a while. I just hope it gets easier.
I have my first final exam for the semester in two hours and I'm still not even sure what this subject is about. Something to do with philosophy? The subject outline says something about Aristotle, Darwin and climate change.
I should have attended more of this class.
so I started playing again on a whim and for the past couple days I have been slaying (and failing at jad >:( ). but I've decided to take a break and saw that I could upgrade my godbook so I'm doing this one piercing note quest and it told me to turn on my sound because it's fully voice acted. so i did and holy ballsack amazingsauce. if they made the entire game like this it would seriously become a legitimately good game, and I honestly think when you do everything it's pretty decent as is.
So I got accepted into Griffith University for a Bachelor of Science degree at the Gold Coast campus, except I don't want to do that course anymore and I want to live in Brisbane, anyway. All through year 12 we were told, "Just accept and defer. If you're not sure about anything, accept and defer. You won't have to worry about it for another year." so that's what I did. I accepted, deferred my entry for a year, and made applications for the courses I wanted to do, where I wanted to do them. And I figured that was that.
I have since been getting mail from Griffith about how they're glad I accepted and how I should come to the campus (over 1500 kms away) to check it out. No, this isn't supposed to be happening.
As for my other applications, I'm pretty sure I don't qualify because I fudgeed up high school something special. So I figure I'm going to have to call the universities I'm still considering and ask what it'll take to get me into the courses I want. My "gap year" is going to be a lot of saving, stressing and studying.
Guys, I’m in a little bit of trouble and I need some help. I’m facing some serious charges here and would really appreciate it if you would spare a moment to read this and perhaps give me some advice.
So earlier today I was in town, just chilling at the park and listening to Streetlight Manifesto on my little portable iPod speakers. I was pretty into it, barely containing myself enough to keep my singing along to a whisper, dancing a little from my spot on the bench, that sort of thing. Then, right in the middle of Everything Went Numb, some random came up, grabbed my iPod and stopped the music.
He said something like “Turn that shizzle off, I don’t want to hear it.”
I could tell that he’d had a bad day and was just looking for a way to vent but I didn’t care. I’m not that great with people, as some of you may know, and going to the park was one of my baby steps towards perhaps making friends. I hadn’t been having a good time of it and was getting impatient. So, I saw red. They had turned off Streetlight Manifesto. One simply does not do that.
Before I even knew what I was doing, I had a fistful of his hair and was driving my knee into his face. I know I overreacted now, but at the time there was nothing but rage… It’s so unlike me, I normally shy away from confrontation. Anyway, it turns out someone else there was a friend of his and they weren’t happy that I’d just broken their buddy’s nose. I knew was in for it because I have no idea how to fight properly… so I ran.
I didn’t go far, about 100m away there was a Night Owl convenience store, so I ran inside and tried to hide. It was only seconds before they burst in, one of them with a knife in hand. I was trembling. I thought that would be it for me, and was already mentally saying my goodbyes when a voice snapped me back into reality.
“STOP!” The shopkeeper actually had a gun out. I don’t know about America, but I thought it was illegal here in Aus. “Don’t move. Any of you. The police are on their way.”
I considered running, but something about the shopkeeper told me that my life was still on the line. One of the other guys obviously didn’t get the same message, because about second later my ears were ringing and he was on the ground, clutching his knee. (I’m sorry for being vague here, but I don’t really remember this part very clearly and I’m not even sure I should’ve shared as much as I have already)
The next couple of minutes were the longest of my life. The guy on the floor was in serious danger of bleeding out, we all knew it. But the shopkeeper wasn’t doing anything about it and neither of us other two dared move to help him, lest it be mistaken as a move of aggression. After what felt like hours I heard the sirens. Then from what sounded like a megaphone the police told us to open the door
get on the floor
everybody walk the dinosaur
And now my very few friends has changed to one. Who I only ever talked to online anyway. I guess now that people don't have to see me at school, they're not going to bother pretending.
So that's all that's been happening in my life.
Mum seems increasingly unhappy that I don’t want to go to uni here. I dunno. I just don’t want to be in Cairns anymore. She says that she and dad will support me where they can, though.
Apparently dad’s been thinking about going to work in the mines for a couple of years to help pay for Chloe and me (and maybe Connor). She says it’d be a three week on, one week off thing and it pays really well, but I just can’t see that working. They can’t be apart. Once mum went away for a week and dad spent most of his free time either drinking or sleeping with the phone on his pillow. Recently dad’s had to go to Townsville a couple of times for work, so mum tried to get us to spend every night watching movies and eating junk food with her.
I am going to need their help to move, but I really don’t want to do that to them. Moving’s the only thing I’m looking forward to, though. I don’t know why. It’ll probably suck even more than staying in Cairns.
Eh, I’m still a long way off being able to actually do it. Like 8 months, minimum. I’ll probably chicken out.
Just read a couple pages of this blog, it's legit embarrassing. I know all the things I complain about seem big at the time, and when I'm typing them I know I'll feel like this later, but it's still shocking.
Anyway, things went as expected. It's kinda awkward between us now. It's hard to return to having nobody, and nothing to, do after that. Eh, I'll get there. Hopefully we can be friends before school ends. It would make the end of the year easier.
but yeah, this is just a girl problems blog since like 2009 so here I go.
I got dumped on Monday. When I met my (now ex-)girlfriend, I expected us to just be friends. She's almost exactly like me, except female. There were so many "Wow nobody's ever agreed with me on that before" moments. I was very fudgeing interested in being more, and it turns out she was too, but she's always been known as a lesbian. So I decided friends would do.
Not long after we started hanging out, I found out she identifies as bisexual and it was just that she'd never been attracted to a guy she actually knew. Anyway, things progressed. Early on, it came up that I was worried that one day she'd wake up and decide that guys just weren't for her, she said she'd thought about that but figured it best not to worry about it. So yeah, eventually I got past it. Then last Monday she became shut off from me and remained so for a week, I was ecstatic to see her smiling again on Monday morning so I convinced myself that things were going to go back to the way they were.
Then when I finally got to talk to her like two hours later (because of classes) she was all bright and cheery and just put out there that "Remember how you said you were worried I'd wake up and wonder why the fudge I was with a guy? Well, this past week has been... that. Sorry."
But whatever, I figured I'd go for the "still be friends" thing, because friends was the original plan anyway. It didn't take long to get past the awkward post-breakup stage. The next day I apologised to her (because apparently I'd seemed angry and made her feel guilty) and we ended up talking like we always have. It was exactly like they were before, save refraining from physical contact.
See, I thought from the start that she was unsure about what she wanted and ended it to prevent things from getting worse, just in case. I could see it in just how she was. From her body language, her tone, everything. Still, I ignored it. I thought I was seeing what I wanted to see.
Yesterday (Thursday, only three days after we broke up) she said she was house sitting for her mum who's out of town and that I should go over that afternoon to hang. The plan was doing a puzzle and homework, but I figured we were going to talk about how things were or something. We didn't, but she kissed me. More than once.
Eventually I got a "Sorry, I don't want to fudge with your feelings." And I don't know how to interpret it. Normally I can read her exceptionally well, better than anyone else, but now it's something I'm unfamiliar with. I don't know if she's confused about whether she wants us to be together, or if she just wanted physical contact with someone and I was the only one around. I'm trying to lean towards the latter, to be safe, and I feel like I should say no if something happens again. Like it's the right thing to do. But I don't want to.
I don't expect any answers from anyone, nor even what I'm asking. I just needed to say what's happening. I haven't even told my friends we've broken up yet, we still hang out so they don't need to know I'm choosing my ex (and it really hurts to call her that) over them.
But yeah, that's my little story for you.
For the past 2-3 months I've been feeling very attached to a new girl. Alex, I'll call her. She's cute, funny and a very generally happy person. Being around her has brightened my worst days, and I have been thinking there might be something there. So with the cyclone last night, I spent a lot of time thinking about worst-case scenarios. I never worried about myself getting hurt, that wouldn't be so bad. I worried for my family. I worried that my house would be wrecked, along with everything I own. And I worried about Amber. I spent a whole lot of time just hoping she was somehow having a not-too-bad time.
Only this morning did Alex even occur to me. Why can't I get over people? :o Oh well, it didn't end up being too bad and everyone seems to be fine. :o
I saw Amber in person tonight for the first time in over a week. I was extremely excited, she barely managed a smile. Apparently she'd just been to see our friend's family. His brother isn't coping. :/ Also, he apparently had a crush on her but was too scared to pursue it, his family says that she meant a lot to him and they asked her to help with the eulogy.
A couple of months back I mentioned a guy, Karl, who she has had feelings on-and-off for in the past (and he towards her). Karl is very foward, and has been making constant moves on her for weeks. Not that long ago, she mentioned she wouldn't mind getting together with him. Anyway, every day I've been treated to a story of something he's done (even directly asked "Would you have minded if I kissed you earlier? I just feel like I should've gone for it."). She's always been flirty with him, even when she was in relationships, and hated herself for it.
So, what's incredibly surprising to me is that she's not going for any of it. She seems almost unhappy that he's making advances. I think she may just not be in the mood to be with anyone at the moment, but I don't know... it feels like it's something else. :/
Over the time I went without seeing her, my fear of asking her out has crept back in. But finding out that our friend had a crush on her too has shaken me. I don't want to pressure her too much at the moment though, and I think that giving her space is important for the time being. Still, I'm worried that there is something and if I wait I'll miss my opportunity. :P
I also mentioned a while back that I thought a girl liked me. I still do, but Amber has recently taken a strong dislike towards her.
The girl texted me tonight, asking if I could be completely honest with her. Thinking she would ask if I had feelings for her, I said I would. I ended up being asked about EVERY OTHER thing about her, and I was honest. She is a nice girl, so I worried for a while that I would mislead her with all the positive feedback. Then, "What do you think about me, physically?". I took my opportunity, "I'm interested in someone else, I don't see girls anymore. This sounds mean, I'm sorry, but everyone aside from her is plain to me."
But yeah, main point of this entry: I still WANT to pursue a relationship with Amber, but the fear is back and it's come with doubts that it's the best thing for her right now. :/
I've had a hard couple of weeks. Yes, this is still because of Amber.
See I thought I'd gotten over her, but during the recent school holidays she took to hanging out with Daniel (my best friend). I got JEALOUS. They went to the movies one time, and Daniel thought it would be a good idea to tell me that they'd hooked up, she went along with it for a couple of days. Normally I can tell when she's lying (and I suspected it hardcore), but she normally caves after a day or so and when she didn't, I started to believe it. That was about the point I realised that "shizzle, I still like her."
She went out of town for a couple of days soon after that, during which time she called/texted me until we'd both ran out of credit. Unfortunately, my internet went down for the day she got back, and without a phone she was unable to contact me. Her sister was throwing a party that night, but before she ran out of credit she told me she didn't intend to go. She'd changed her mind and, unable to contact me, invited Daniel to go to the party instead.
I couldn't sleep that night. In the past she'd told me that she thought Daniel was hot and she probably actually would do stuff with him. I wouldn't expect him to do stuff with her normally (he knows I'd beat him up if it came down to it, plus he knows I don't get this way about many girls and wants to make it easier), but he got fudgeing DRUNK. He was texting me to tease me, and I couldn't reply. But yeah, couldn't sleep.
At 4am, I got a call from Amber on her home phone. Her first words "I'm not a virgin anymore." She sounded so... happy.
"It's not Daniel, if that's what you're thinking... I'm so sorry."
Eventually, I started believing her. And I could tell that, my accusations hurt her... I couldn't help it. I've always been honest towards her, and this was the one thing I was constantly against.
I decided to ask who, if not Daniel. Apparently it was someone she had (in her words) "met a year ago, and spoken to a couple of times."
"You had sex with a stranger?" I was dying.
"He's not a stranger! I spent the last three hours getting to know him." She was drunk, but I was still completely disgusted. The first time I've ever been angry with her. The first time I'd ever been this angry about anything. She could hear it in my response. She cried.
After that, I tried to be kinder. As soon as she started crying, I went completely numb. All the anger was gone. I decided she'd best go to sleep, I pushed with every opportunity that I was killing what remained of her happiness. I honestly didn't want to ruin what she'd called "the best night of her life", whether I approved or not.
From that conversation, three things stuck to me.
Firstly, I wasn't jealous. At all. I've never sought to go that far with her, and I still don't want to. But I expected jealousy.
Secondly, the anger. I didn't (and still don't) feel it at all once she started crying. But the sheer intensity of it... the best I can describe it is blind fury. I never want to feel it again, especially not towards her.
Lastly, and what feels like most importantly, she kept apologising. So many times. "I'm so, so sorry Mitchell." It felt sincere, but I couldn't (and can't) figure out why she was apologising to me. Does she know how I feel? Or was my voice too pained, and she could hear it? Was she just remembering it was the one thing I told her not to do? Is there some other reason? Did she just want me to tell her it was okay? (I didn't, maybe she needed it. :) )
Since then, she's kept busy. I'm glad, I didn't want her to be alone. By the next day it hit her, and she regretted it. She told me "We didn't actually have sex, but we got close." I don't believe her, she was too convincing. I've gone along with it, because in my mind it can mean a couple of things.
She would find it easier to move on, if she denies it happened.
She wants me to feel better. If she thinks she's done that, I'll let her. Telling her otherwise wouldn't help anything.
She's forgotten just how much happened. She was very drunk, it's a possibility I think.
But yeah, she's kept busy. Once it hit me again that I liked her, I'd been meaning to ask her out. I got around to it. She was busy (her aunt knew something was wrong). I tried again, her mum had found out about the party (she'd been out of town) and she was grounded. They were legitimate excuses, and she seemed genuine about being sorry she couldn't, but it hurt all the same.
She was grounded until school came back, which was Monday for her. I was excited to have an opportunity to hang out with her. She had a nap after school on Monday, so we decided "tomorrow." Yesterday (Tuesday), a friend of hers went into cardiac arrest and passed away. She called me during school, crying. I offered to leave school and go to her's, but I didn't know who the person was and she said she was greatful but needed to be with people who knew him. Unfortunately, her relatives made her go home.
I felt so helpless. I didn't know what to say. We kept in contact either over the phone or webcamming, but she'd changed her mind to "I don't want anyone with me right now." She kept alternating between saying she didn't feel anything, and intensely crying. I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. She fell asleep while we were on the phone.
Today she had a bunch of other friends from school over, just being together as she put it. I'm glad she has people but if I'm being honest, I want to be the one she turns to. I also feel like I shouldn't want this, it's too selfish.
As I was writing this entry, I realised. I do know him. Well, I did know him, a couple of years ago. I feel sick, he was one of the happier kids I knew. There were no warning signs. He didn't deserve to go, it wasn't his time.
My parents have noticed that I've been down. They think I'm depressed and are honestly looking at councellors. I might be depressed, I don't know. My life feels like a mess, and whenever I feel bad about things, I feel guilty because I'm just getting second hand effects. Others are getting it a lot worse than me. :)
fudge this. I feel like I shouldn't be sharing it. It probably doesn't all make sense, but I need to get it out.