I've been slightly putting off writing this blog entry for some reason, but here it is! Me and my adventures in Canada, so far I'm nearly 4 months in with 2 weeks until the ski season finishes (ie unemployment). If I thought life in Australia was wild, boy was I in for a treat. There's so much that has happened and it would take days to write everything down, so I'll try keep this one somewhat short.
I was pretty keen on leaving Australia, not gonna lie. I felt like I didn't have much left back home and wasn't growing as a person, I was too comfortable. My first two nights in Canada got off to a crazy start, meeting some people in my hostel also working for Panorama (the resort) and getting to know them. We went out to the gay part of town and hit up some gay bars, and I ended up babysitting my new friends all the way back to the hostel, trying to stop them from cartwheeling onto the streets at 6am and accepting a suspicious white powdery substance from strangers. They are great people, I hung out with them at Panorama for the first couple weeks, as well as putting myself out there and trying to overcome my fear of talking to strangers. I did surprisingly well and wasn't as awkward as I thought I'd be once I got the ball rolling, and I was pretty pleased with myself. However, once I got to know my new friends a bit better, I knew that they weren't my kind of people. They were loud and rowdy, which I feel uncomfortable participating in. I'm more of a chilled partier. To be honest, I was super strung up and anxious about a lot of different things in the first two weeks at the resort. I kept fudgeing up at my job as a lift attendant, I was shizzle at skiing, I made a few very bad decisions which everyone at work knew about, in all I was earning myself an extremely bad reputation. I felt like I was seen as this incompetent, dumb, awkward girl who didn't bring anything positive to the table. It was really bad. I unloaded onto my flatmate about it, and she said the only things I could do were to try and make up for the things I caused, or wait it out. I did both, and it became a lot better. I went skiing at any opportunity I could to improve, I bribed my workmates with sweets, I put in a lot more effort at work to make management see me in a better light, stopped being so uptight, and in the end it worked.
Just as I was feeling better about everything, I met this Swedish guy at a cafe and he also listened to all my woes, and didn't judge at all. It was exactly what I needed, and I knew that he'd be a good friend to have chats with. At the same time I bumped into a girl from NZ that I met previously at a party, we both thought each other were kinda cool and we arranged to go to the next bar event since we didn't have anyone else to go with. Turns out that they are both flatmates at the staff accommodation, and were already friends, which was such a great coincidence. So we all went to the bar event, had a crazy night where I took care of the girl throwing up everywhere, the guy feeding me all his weed and then also joining in with the throwing up, and a mix of other things. Even though it was a trainwreck of a night, it seemed to be a bonding moment, and for the rest of the season it was the three of us causing all kinds of trouble. I had finally found a small group of friends I was comfortable with, was getting good at skiing, was making more friends at work and made up for my mistakes. I was happy.
Plot twist! This girl and I hit it off pretty quickly once we really started talking, and there was some obvious chemistry in the air. Problem was, I was absolutely not ready for commitment or relationships, and she was still in love (and talking) with her ex who she left behind in New Zealand. But there was still a special connection between us that we couldn't ignore. So we talked it out and agreed that it was best to just stay friends and not act on anything. However, when we got drunk at events, all self control flew out the window. After more talking and a 2-week bed ban, we agreed to go with the flow and have a fwb sort of deal. It was pretty hard having that arrangement whilst still sleeping with other people at the resort (on my part) since there was still jealousy floating around. Bit of a complicated situation, but communication was good which made it better. As the months went by, it went from screwing around after parties to something much more intimate. It was nice having that feeling back, almost a year after breaking up with my ex. But it also brought back bittersweet memories of how things used to be. At the end of the season, it was basically like a relationship without the lovey dovey stuff.
Alas, as with seasonal overseas jobs, they all have to end. Today she left for another job at the Columbia Icefields between Jasper and Banff. It was sad leaving her place for the last time this morning, a place where we'd spent so much time bonding and made so many memories. It was like a mini breakup. I actually also applied for a job at the same place and got it, so that's the current plan. My Swedish friend is also going to the Icefields, so us 3 would be back at it again. The very loose plan is, go to Calgary on the 11th of April, buy a van there, head west and solo roadtrip along the west coast of Canada and the US. Places to tick off the list are Vancouver Island, Oregon, San Fran, hit up all the national parks and look at pretty things until late May, which is when my contract starts. So I probably won't be back in Australia for a while, might as well use this 2-year visa to its fullest.
If you have any recommendations on stuff to do on NA's west coast, lay it out for me! That's it for now friends, till next time.
So, life has gotten a bit out of hand since the breakup, which was about 6 months ago. I hate that I keep referring to my life as if it revolves around that event but, it'll do.
I've been thoroughly enjoying doing whatever I want whenever I want without feeling guilty, probably the best part of the single life. One of these was playing games - she hated me playing games and I often would lie to her and not-so-sneakily do it anyway. So in recent times I've been spending a lot of my free time playing with my friends on LoL and PUBG. After I quit Runescape I vowed to never play a similar PC game again in fear of getting ridiculously addicted and selling my soul to the computer gods. My ex-bf (of 4 years ago) convinced me to try out LoL and my love for gaming was re-ignited. Since then, I've made friends with a lot of his friends through Discord when playing the games, and led me to buying a gaming PC a few months ago, which cost nearly $2k AUD. This made me able to play PUBG which opened up a whole new can of worms with getting to know his friends, and eventually his friends' girlfriends. My social circle exploded and ever since I've been out partying at least once a week. And then a few weeks ago, I ran out of alcohol so I bought a bottle of vodka (700ml) for a party, came back home, and realised there was about 1/3 left in the bottle. I hardly noticed that what was once a lightweight 2-drink girl, had become a 10-drink girl, and my tolerance had gone through the roof. Now, I don't drink aside from social events because I hate the taste of alcohol. I'd much rather drink water than a glass of wine. But this is a little concerning because now I'm worried about my liver and health, what kind of realistic negative consequences could come out from this? I feel like I'm unable to have fun at a night out if I'm not drunk since I'm very introverted. Usually in a group situation I'm very quiet because it's so exhausting trying to participate in group politics. Trying to get a word in, and when you get a word in you're cut off, seeing everyone else trying to get a word in at the same time and 'competing' with each other for dominance. It's too much. But when alcohol is involved, I've been told that I'm the 'life of the party', and all hell breaks loose - the good kind. I wonder if it's a bad thing to have such a heavy reliance on alcohol to feel confident in big social situations. Who am I kidding, of course it is. It's a confidence issue, not a drinking issue. So that's what I'm trying to work on now. Different topic!
About 2 months ago I flew to Melbourne for an in-person job interview for my Canada working holiday. When I Uber'ed into the city to my hostel, the streets were alive and there were lines hanging out of pubs. AT 1AM ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. Being a bogan Perth girl, this was shocking. At that time of the night, my city would be completely dead. So this was a very welcome surprise. In preparation for my job interview later that morning, I decided to try out Melbourne's coffee - take note I don't drink coffee. It was smooth, silky, and just the right tinge of bitterness. I was already sold on moving to this city one day. I proceeded to smash my interview, get the job I wanted at the resort I wanted, and walked around the beautiful city. That night, I met up with our very own @O hai im KAMIL at a bar which AGAIN was full on a weekday night. Let me paint the scene. Us two, glugging down jugs of beer and sweet fruity alcohols, reminiscing over the good ol' days of Sals and our lives in general. It's weird trying to pronounce certain Sals usernames or RS words when you've only read them. It was such a cool but strange experience verbally talking about this part of our lives, since only members of the community can -really- understand the impact of it. I've tried talking about it with my IRL friends, but what can you say, "I played this game and joined a forum where I made friends and had lots of fun". They're like, "cool bro", as if it wasn't a monumental part of my life that greatly influenced the way I am. So it was exciting to meet someone who FINALLY understands this little nugget of life tucked away in our childhoods. He spent the tail end of the night trying not to throw up and I spent the morning after wondering if it was worth living to the afternoon, but in all a pretty successful time. We spent the next few days hanging out, with Kamil attempting to showcase his touristing skillz and demonstrate how the tram system works and that I didn't actually have to walk 20 minutes in any given direction. I had a blast, and I'm very thankful for his tourist services. I'd greatly recommend them once he polishes up his directions game and walking endurance :P . Also, the guy lifts big time, so if you twist an ankle, you can bet he'll carry you around like one of those little horses.
Back onto the social stuff. With my ex-gf, we were actually hanging out quite a bit a few months after the breakup. Talking to her still felt so natural, so fluid, as if nothing had changed. When things got bad, we'd just run to each other and it would all be ok. We were trying to be friends, tying up loose ends, I was looking after her a bit, in all it was super unhealthy. I found a used condom in a bag on the floor of her house, and it crushed me nearly as hard as her when she found out that I was sleeping with my ex-bf, her arch nemesis. You can't be friends with someone you're still in love with. So, we made the decision to cut contact until I come back from Canada, which would be mid-2018. That day when I left her house for the last time, she kissed me, and we let each other go. I felt overwhelmingly sad, but liberated at the same time. I was free. And now, I can feel myself slowly getting over her. Her memory is slipping away from mine, and I'm conflicted whether to let it slip, or to hang onto it a little longer, to extend the healing period. I miss her, and I'm not over her, and I'm sad, but now's the time to look to the future and move onto bigger and better things.
My life now is completely different to what it was 6 months ago. My circle of friends are very...open, you might say. There are pretty much no boundaries. I've become the person who all the girls are like 'ooh, I've always wanted to explore my sexuality, let's take advantage of single Sofee'. Which I'm not-so-secretly happy about (especially my ex-bf's friend's gf, heh). This, in contrast to my conservative group of high school friends, is a welcome change. It's the time of my life where I'll look back and think 'ah, that was wild. To be young again...'. So you bet I'll be taking FULL ADVANTAGE of my situation.
As for Canada, things are coming closer and closer to finalising everything! I've booked a one-way ticket on the 27th of November to Vancouver, where I'll make my way by bus to Calgary, then Invermere, then Panorama Mountain Village a few days after that. I'm going to be a ski lift attendant! Staff housing on the mountain is full, so I'm trying to sort out accommodation in Invermere, which is a city about 20 minutes away from Panorama. I've got a decent rental condo locked down close to a gym and the shuttle pickup point, and am currently trying to figure out the roommate situation. I'm super excited for this adventure, away from home for 5 months! I wonder how much more could change. Knowing the ski worker culture, probably not my drinking habits, heh.
Welp, I did it, about 3 months ago. It was heartbreaking. We were both still in love. But, after we patched things up at the beginning of this year (see last entry), uni started up again, and we fell back into the same limbo. It was the classic case of not prioritising each other, and getting complacent. I couldn't bear with the guilt over my obsessive thoughts of 'should-I-should-I-not', so I did. It was unexpected, especially for her. I'd been with this girl for 3 years, and it was all over with a 1-second answer. "Are you really breaking up with me?" "I think so." I couldn't even say yes, how pathetic. I didn't want to believe it was real. I still don't.
With this being my first 'real' breakup, I didn't know what to expect - how I was supposed to feel, what I should've done. The first week was the worst. Every time I wasn't out in public, I was crying. I wish I was exaggerating. I had to stow away all the things that reminded me of her in a shoebox. I had to take down the origami hearts she made that looked so beautiful inside my wardrobe. I had to throw away the toothbrush she used when she slept over. There was a lot of googling 'how to get over a breakup'. Then, for about a month after that, I didn't cry once. I felt at peace with myself, and the immense relief that I'd made that decision. I drowned myself in uni work, often staying till midnight for most days of the week. After that phase ended, the rivers started flowing again, and I missed her. It was like going through drug withdrawal - only that it kicked in after 1 month. How do you replace that unique happiness you get only from being with someone you love? That's kind of where I'm at right now, but a bit better. Friends help a lot - I never realised how much they cared for me, and the support is overwhelming. Which made me feel even more guilty. I hated myself for doing this to her, especially at a time in her life where she needed me the most. She truly believed that we would work through our problems and we'd be forever. I had to live with this decision, not knowing if it would be the biggest mistake of my life. I have a long way to go for forgiving myself.
Nevertheless, I do think that this would've happened sooner or later. I don't think we can fit into each others' lives as we once had and feel fulfilled. But, we still want to be friends in the future. In high school, we were best friends with no romantic feelings attached, so we might be able to do it again. We agreed to initially go no-contact for 2 months, and check-in every few months to see what's up. As long as we still have a strong desire to see each other and be friends, we won't be ready. This is gonna take a longggggggggg time to get over her.
Since the breakup, things have gotten a little wild. I've hooked up with most people she was jealous of when we were together, including my ex (bf) before her. Oh yeah, and when her and I had our first meetup since the break, we somehow found ourselves in her bed. Oops. I've also bought my first -stick-, which was quite the experience. I feel like I'm still coming down from it, from 2 days ago. Thanks to the excessive distract-me-from-breakup-feels-study, I've gotten killer grades - probably my best semester yet. Now that I think about it, my life is exactly where I want it to be, because of the choices I've made and how lucky I've gotten along the way. I'm on track to doing a 5-month working holiday at a Canadian ski resort when I finish my degree at the end of this year. I'm probably going to travel around Canada after the 5-month stint has ended, so if any Canadian slammers wanna take me to a hockey game or ride moose, hit me up. I've kinda sorted out my ADD and am on the right meds for it (Ritalin). I'm trying to make a comeback from my post-breakup weight loss to eat more and get back on track at the gym. I don't know how I got so lucky.
I'm not going to be in a relationship for a while. A lot of the problems were caused by me, and I need to grow by myself to become the person that I'd want to date. I mean, I'm only 20, so this is pretty much the time in someone's life where that happens. For now, I'm gonna keep trying to make decisions that will improve myself as a person, and have some fun along the way too.
I've hidden the last entry but here is the Part II. For those who haven't seen it, the very short version of the issue at hand is: problems with gf.
So we had a very big discussion involving a lot of tissues in a quiet little park. All our problems were laid bare and we tried to find solutions/compromises for them. In the end, we decided to try our best to work through our problems this summer break, and if it doesn't work out, then it doesn't work out. We've got a lot of good things planned, so hopefully things don't take another nosedive. Relationships = hard work.
But the main reason I'm writing an entry closer than 6 months apart is that something happened that I can't possibly not tell the entire world.
I've worked the Saturday night KFC shift for at least 3 years now, which is the night where we get all the drunk and high customers past a certain time. Of course with this comes countless slurred 'so what are you doing after work', 'can I get your number', you know the drill. Some of these people are really sweet, but 95% of them are sleazy guys that are much older than me, just looking for a quick fudge. Who else to prey on than poor innocent-looking girls at KFC? To the guys reading: yep, it really is as easy as you think it is for an above 4/10 girl to sleep with a guy. Yay equality.
Of course, being a) taken b) not-so-straight and c) someone who has standards, over time I've learned how to reject these guys without stuttering and blushing and making a fool out of myself. For example, the most popular and original 'can I get your number' comment gets the response something along the lines of 'sorry, I can only give you what's on the menu', then charm my way through completely changing the subject. It's always a delight when I get a different pickup line, because I can get a bit more creative with my rejection. Which brings me to my shift 2 nights ago...
A chick with a group of drunken people in her car came through the drive-thru and ordered, we had a small chat, she asked what I was doing after my shift, and invited me to come to her party afterwards (not in a 'let's fudge' way). I thought to the Jim Carrey movie 'Yes Man' and thought I shouldn't pass up on something like this, so for the first time ever, I accepted someone's number through the drive-thru. They drove through, and I served the next car. Lo and behold, a guy in his 30s asked 'Do you wanna catch up after this?'. I picked up a packet of tomato sauce beside me and pretended to mishear him, saying 'Ketchup?', and he must've been so blown away by my response that he dropped it completely. I don't think I'll ever be able to top myself there.
In other news, tomorrow I'm getting a haircut that will end my hairstyle that has been relatively unchanged for about 10 years, and I'm gonna get tested for ADD. Exciting times.
AH it's been too long since I've written one of these.
For those not acquainted with my 2000-word rambly rants over pubescent highschool drama, I direct you to just about any 2012 entry in this blog. There is some absolute GOLD if you can drag your dicks through the very jagged, painful glass that is 15-year old me. If you don't feel like educating yourselves on the inner thoughts and passive-aggressive fights of me, some extra-juicy ones are here and here. By the way, I had the BIGGEST straight girl crush on 'M' in the first link. The more you know.
I am so thankful that I documented every facet of my high school life so I can look back and think "ha, thank god that's in the pas-waitnothinghaschanged".
For those who saw the title and furiously rolled their eyes whilst excitedly clicking the link to my blog because they've been deprived of dramatic me for too long, YOU'RE IN LUCK.
Except, this isn't dramatic on the same level as my high school drama. It's a bit more grown-up, a bit less out-there. It's a bit too real, and a bit (a lot) sad. And I'm coming to you guys because you always give it to me straight, no fiddlesticks or sugarcoating, and I really need an unbiased outsiders perspective on the matter. This is gonna be a long one, so I'm gonna wrap the body in spoiler tags. The TL;DR is at the bottom. I even made some pretty dot points not only to make it clear for you guys, but also to lay it all out for me.
It's about my long-term girlfriend. And I'm torn between leaving her, or staying together.
TL;DR - Having a lot of doubts about my relationship, which over time has been overcome with incompatibilities. We both are still young and immature, which leads to some glaring issues. However, we are still in love, and have many more good times than bad.
Reasons to break up:
I want to date around and explore
I can do anything without inhibitions (friends, activities)
I want to be single when I go to Canada
VERY uneven sex drives
Improve myself to be someone who can be attentive, supportive and sensitive
Find someone else with the same passions as me (gaming, TV series, media) who I *might* end up happier with
I love her, she’s so kind, caring and loving, and makes me happy. She means a lot to me.
We have many of the same ‘end goals’
Won’t have anyone to talk to every day, life will be much more boring
She’s in a really bad spot right now and needs my support
Breaking off a relationship that is much more good than bad (about 80% good, 20% bad) seems pointless and unnecessary. What would that achieve?
Oh yeah, it looks like I'm going to Canada to work a season at a ski resort in the winter of 2017/2018 when I finish my degree! It's definitely not finalised yet - I haven't been offered a job or bought my plane tickets, but I have started the process of it, and it's looking really good. After the season ends, I plan to go around the country, couch surf a bit, and explore. Any Canadian slammers here who wouldn't mind saying hi to a poor Aussie girl and isn't scared off by my description of me above? :P
Also, sorry about the wall of text again. Big decisions equal big word count in my world!
Sooo first up, the whole international exchange thing is canned. Every time I got close to getting it sorted, something would smash it all into tiny little pieces, and I'd start over again. I'm not going to go into details and relive the disappointment, but yeah, after all the effort put into this thing, it didn't work out in the end. I think that's the universe telling me that something mortal would've happened if I went through with it. Welcome to the real world, I guess.
BUT the whole reason I wanted to go on exchange was to spend some time in another country, another environment where I don't know anyone and I get to meet new people, eat new things, have an experience. So, rather than letting the failure get me down, I went in search of more international opportunities, not necessarily to do with my education. The one thing I had in mind for the entirety of uni was working overseas, perhaps in a summer camp or something. But I haven't worked with kids at all, and I'm kinda awkward around them, so maybe not. Some searching led me to the idea of working at a ski resort, and true enough, it's a thing! There are work fairs that go around Australia hiring people to work for ski resorts in Canada (!!), although you have to pay a hefty fee to be guaranteed a position. So, if all works out, I'll take a gap year after I finish uni (in 2018) and work at a ski resort in Canada for about 5 months. I absolutely LOVE skiing, and I miss snow, so this would be a great opportunity. Nothing set in stone yet though.
Another thing I looked at was volunteer opportunities. While searching, I stumbled upon something that perfectly suited my interests, which was volunteering in environmental sustainability in New Zealand. It probably sounds lame and boring to most of you, but I do think it's something that I would enjoy, with me doing something Geography-based and all. Basically, you get sent to Auckland, Christchurch or the more rural areas surrounding those cities. If I get a choice, I'd go to Christchurch - everyone says it's super nice and much better than Auckland. Maybe our resident El Benno11 can give some tips if I get in :P . I've submitted my application, so now it's just twiddling toes till I hear back from them!
Ahh what else has happened. I started and finished Game of Thrones a few weeks ago. Whew, what a masterpiece. Really good stuff. I love talking to people about the series - who's going to end up in the Iron Throne, what's gonna happen to Sansa/Arya, who's gonna finish off Cersei, all the possible theories about the happenings of the remaining 2 seasons. I've just started reading the books too. The last two episodes of season 6 blew me out of the water. Especially the last one - probably my favourite. I don't think I moved for the entire episode. I was too stunned, in my chair, with my jaw on the floor. I kept thinking, did that really just happen?? I'll rave about them day and night, I will.
I also finished the last seasons of Orange is the New Black and Orphan Black. The 4th season of OITNB was pretty disappointing to me tbh, and I was shocked to see that the ratings for the season were some of the best. It never captured me like the first few seasons, and left nothing to look forward to after every episode. Unpopular opinion - it was a boring season. It made me miss the days of bloody tampon sandwich. Orphan Black on the other hand, I think its 4th season was the best of the lot. The episode endings were never cliffhangers, but it still made me want to watch relentlessly into the night. I considered pulling an all-nighter to watch all 10 episodes, but thought it would be better if my mind was at 100% alertness so I could fully drink in every detail, every scene. Can't wait for its 5th and final season next year. I would recommend it to everyone and anyone. Next on my series-to-watch list is The Wire. I've heard good things about it, and it seems like a classic, so why not.
Oh yeah I also went to Sydney for a week in my semester break with bae. The trip did us a lot of good actually - it brought up a lot of unresolved issues that really needed resolving, and they were. Other than that, we had a blast of a time - sightseeing, shopping, doing LOTS of walking and exploring, eating, and playing Pokemon Go (which I'm not super into but she is). We had lots of experiences, including this one night we decided to go out and hit the gay bars, participated in a trivia night where we invited this nice Indian psychiatrist to join our team, proceeded to get hammered, had him drive us home (which, in hindsight, was an idiotic idea and could've gotten us killed, or even worse, kidnapped), and finally took our breakfasts to the sinks and toilets. We stayed in an Airbnb place, hence the 'house'. Never. Again.
I think that about wraps up everything. Oh - one more thing. Is anybody active here good at programming? More specifically Python? I'm taking a pretty advanced course in it (mandatory) this semester and I was rubbish at my easier Python unit a year ago. It would be great to have someone help out this pathetic programmer come assignments, etc.
Adios for now!
My blog entires are so goddamn teenagery. I mean, I've known this for ever, being a teenager and all, but I was just looking through my latest entries and it seems like my writing and me haven't changed. At all. For cereal, if I was someone else, I'd never come into this blog, it's so cringe and, ugh. Girly. Having my main audience as (much) older guys makes it even stranger, and I question why people would want to read this garbage. Wait a second... o_O
You guys all know about the mid-life crisis, but I'm having a, like, start-of-adulthood crisis. I'm in my final year of teenagehood and I don't feel very grown up. I mean, I do and I don't at the same time. I have my own car, I pay for my fuel, uni fees, gym membership, just about everything except household bills and food that's in the house. 2 years ago, things were very different in that respect - I don't think I was paying for anything I listed above. Of course, being an adult isn't just about money and paying things, there's countless other variables that contribute to adultey-ness. One of which definitely NOT being the word 'adultey-ness' in your vocabulary.
My mum once pointed out that I'm treating our house like a hotel. With all expenses paid for by them. It's kind of sad, and it's also kind of true. I wake up, do my own thing (uni/gym/socialise/work/gaming/TV), which usually means disappearing from their world until dinner time. My parents are lovely people, they are, but I'm at the point where I don't want to talk to them every single day. It would be much more valuable to me to see them once a month rather than once a day, so that I can appreciate the little time we have together. I could move out - I have the money and independence to, but I don't think it's worth it right now. If I have to pay thousands and thousands more just so I don't see my parents every day, it's not worth it. Not now, anyway.
Oh yeah, GYM! I can't remember if I've written about this before, but I've been going consistently-ish for 7/8 months now. No 6-pack or bubble butt, but I've made a lot of progress, especially with my legs. My upper body is suffering though - it's so hard to gain fat there, let alone muscle. I've gained plenty of muscle on my lower half, but my arms are like toothpicks, and it's so hard to make progress on them. Believe me, I've tried a lot of different exercises for them, but nada. Lifting weights feels SO much better to me compared to cardio. I don't love it, but I like the results that come from it. I've been going 2 or 3 times a week, and splitting between upper and lower body days. I know it's good for me - gets me out of the house and makes me not feel like a complete sloth.
Anyways, back to the teenagery rant about teenagers. Boy I'm eloquent.
I'm still writing like a teenager, as I always have through the god-knows-howmany years I've had this blog running, and I'm going to be the big 2-0 next year. Does one year make all the difference between adulthood and teenagery? Hell no, there are 20-somethings that still act like they're 15. Can non-teenagers watch teenage films and read adult teen books? I think I would die if I wouldn't be able to. There's such a big world out there, and I've only got my toes wet.
Again, I'm not sure that the main message is here. I suppose there doesn't have to be one - I set the rules here in my blog :P . So, what do you guys think about my blog? Why do you like/hate it? Will I get out of my bumbling teenage talk anytime soon? (not likely :P )
ArgHHHH I'm tearing my hair out at this whole international exchange process. If I did something common like business or maths, everything would be over in a week, there would be hardly any meetings with important people at my university, emailing back-and-forth with multiple American universities, all the DECISIONS (x10 worse for a girl). But nooo, I have to go and do god damn Geographic Information Science, that takes an eternity to say when people ask me what I do at uni, then repeat it when they don't understand it the first time, then watch as they nod confusedly and say 'that sounds...interesting'. Not exaggerating, 9 out of 10 people do this. And I have a very BIG sample size to come to that conclusion.
I'm wondering if this is all worth the trouble. That, and the travel & accomodation fees. I spoke to some people who went on exchange to American universities and said it was the time of their life, it was the best decision they made, they had unbelievable fun and would recommend it to anyone and everyone.
I think it's gonna be worth it. I really hope so. Or else I wouldn't still want to go through with this.
At first, there was the whole 'which university do I want to go to?', then eventually the 'which university actually has GIS?', to 'which university has higher level GIS courses?', which narrowed it down to about 2 or 3 universities. Bear in mind that these universities are the ones that my uni has an exchange agreement with, not just all American universities. These are the University of Oregon, Northern Arizona University and Southern Illinois Uni Carbondale. It's looking like the UO is the one I'd go to, most likely. So, anyone know much about these ones?
So I had to look over every single GIS course these universities had, and try to match them with the courses I'm taking at my university. For those who don't know, that's how it works - the courses I take in America need to be extremely similar to the ones I'd be doing back in my university. Problem is, the American universities only have GIS minors, whereas I'd be doing my final year of my GIS major. tldr they don't have stuff advanced enough for me. But, after much deliberation, I came up with a few options that can solve this problem, all of which involve me extending my degree for another semester, which is fine by me - it won't hurt in the long run. After meeting with some of my coordinators, it seems like everything will be okay with my university, and that my options are fairly safe. Options being plural though, it's so hard to choose, none of them 'have it all', it's either decide if I wanna spend more money and have more fun there, or have a safer education, or have a more 'laid back' learning with risks.
I've also decided that I'd be going next year, Fall semester. I'd probably do some holidaying there after I finish the semester in Summer, so uh, anyone live in Oregon? :P
Anyway yes...a lot has been done for this exchange business but there's still a lot more to go, it isn't even finalised that I'm going, but god dammit I want to, and I will.
SO, I have been seriously considering doing a semester of university in the USA. Thing is, the semesters seem vastly different from Australia's, and I'm not completely certain when they start/end. Can anyone educate me on this? The results are kinda confusing when I try to Google it.
I actually would prefer going to Canada instead of the USA, but Canada doesn't have any solid GIS programs, such as a bachelor's degree. They only have 1-2 year certificates etc. Luckily and unsurprisingly, there seem to be a heap of GIS undergraduate programs in the USA. I've done some research and here are the universities to choose from:
University of Arizona
Arizona State University
Ohio State University
Michigan State University
I mean, there are probably more that offer GIS, but these are the ones that have appeared on several sites and on the first page of googling 'Bachelor GIS degrees in USA'. Any recommendations on/off the list? And what have you Americans here heard about these universities? On that note, I thought you guys called them colleges. Oh god, and I'm gonna have to learn to use miles/feet/yards/ounces/farenheit/pints and whatever else units. It'll be, uh, educational.
I think it would be fun going to another country and learning, especially at those big grand universities. Also with SNOW :D . And staying in university housing with others instead of living at home like I am now, that would be an experience.
Back to the semester times problem. For Australia, the university Semester 1 is start of March - mid June, Semester 2 is start of August - mid November. This year will be my second year of university, and I plan to go in my third year. Thing is, I'd very much rather go in the USA Semester 1, which could clash with things. Soo, I might be forced to go this year if that's the only way it would work.
Enough of that talk. I have been taking advantage of my summer holidays by playing a LOT of games. Since the last entry, I played on the PS4 Journey, The Witcher 3, Star Wars Battlefront, and the Nathan Drake Collection (and have preordered Uncharted 4!). On the PC, I've done my usual LoL, Gone Home, Life is Strange (really good!), and I'm going through Bastion now. I also bought Bioshock Infinite which I'll play after Bastion. Man, I'm going to miss all this free time when uni starts up. I don't wanna go back D:
Hello lovely people of Sals, I have returned! Momentarily.
Things are going pretty swimmingly in my world. Nothing too drastic has changed since my last entry. I've finished my end-of-year-exams and now I'm on holiday for about 3 months! Well, I have been on holidays for about 2 weeks now so a bit less than that. Before my exams, I decided that I would be buying my first ever gaming console, a PS4! I simply didn't have time for it during university, since I went between LoL and watching series/movies and redditing and social things in my free time, and a Playstation would've split my time even less between them. I practised my self control and only unpackaged it after my last exam, thank god. My first game was The Last of Us (Remastered), and holy hell. I know it's only my first game, but I have no idea how any other game is gonna top it. No spoilers of the game in what follows that isn't tagged, btw. I was (and still am!) all sorts of obsessed with it - I've watched all the interviews and BTS videos, all the trailers, all the 'Let's Play' videos, all the reaction videos, read all the fanfiction, started writing a fanfiction of it, and asdf I did not think it would be that good.
Alright, now that I'm listing it all out, I think I might be going a bit crazy. I played through it a second time recently, and I can feel myself coming down from the high. I know you know the feeling of finishing a really good game - there's shock and wonder and happiness for being able to experience such an incredible game, then the crushing post-game depression that makes you feel like there is nothing that you can do to fill the empty hole left by the game. The realisation that there perhaps may be no other game that will come close to this, and that you won't get the feeling of playing it for the first time, ever again.
Granted, it does cater to the 'girl audience' since it focuses more on the storyline & emotional impact rather than gameplay. The AI was pretty derpy at points, and to be honest, the first third of the game wasn't that riveting. I was forcing myself to play through it at first, because it was just trekking through pretty landscapes and shooting fungus zombies occasionally. Then the emotional rollercoaster decided to whizz past and do its loopty-doops and I was totally immersed. And the ending, unghh, the ending. I can honestly say I did not see anything in that game coming. Then again, I'm not one to make predictions but rather go with the flow and force my mind to be dark, also with books and movies. I like surprises.
I probably shouldn't be so quick to assume that it's the best game ev3r, since it's the first one I've played, but damn, if there is any other game that tops this or comes close, I don't know how I'd handle myself. I'd probably crawl into a corner and remain in the fetal position for a while.
Now, I've been looking into other games to play, to help me get through the empty feeling in my soul. I've bought The Witcher 3 and will play it as soon as my parents get off the TV. I also ordered Journey, which apparently has a similar feel to TLOU. Some researching has found 'Gone Home', 'Life is Strange', Bioshock, and The Walking Dead also having similar themes, although they're much shorter.
Anyway, that's the first Sofee gaming review for you. Feel free to make some more recommendations to this gaming baby here and more TLOU talk!
On a different note, I've taken up an unpaid work experience at my Dad's workplace, since we're in very similar fields (he does surveying, I do GIS). This is gonna look pretty damn good on my resume. The stuff I'm doing there is very classified, I've signed a confidentiality agreement and all, and man, I wish I could tell you guys what I'm working on there. It's highly sensitive and everybody knows about it. It makes me feel pretty important, even though I know I'm just a pawn in a much bigger game.
Alright, I think that's all for today. Make sure to subscribe in the box below and don't forget to leave a comment and like if you're against animal cruelty!
Hey old friends! This is probably the longest interval I've left between blog entries - close to a year!. I've been meaning to write one up since late last year, but every time I thought of doing it, I was just about to sleep, or I had an assignment due the next day, or I'd be working in 10 minutes. So, finally, the prime time has come to write my prized blog entry - in the middle of my university mid-semester exams! :D
So, I'll try to address everything that I mentioned in my last entry. I did alright for my WACE exams, but I got a lot less than what I expected. As in, I always lower my standards to not get shocked if it's bad. Well, my score was below my already-lowered standards. It was disappointing but I kept telling myself that in the end, it doesn't really matter since I'd get into uni anyway, and high school scores don't matter in uni.
As mentioned, I'm in university doing Geographic Information Science. I've been asked about 50 times what degree I'm doing by friends and strangers, and each time, I say that huge goddamn 9-syllable degree. After which, they go 'uhh wut' and I have to give them the full description. Out of all those people, only one knew that GIS was. For all you uneducated swines, it's basically creating maps & analysing it with the data surveyors collect. At the end of it, my mouth feels like it's run a marathon. At least it makes conversation. Honestly, uni is pretty decent. I'm currently finishing up statistics, maths, programming (Python) and GISystems units. I'm doing pretty well in them, astronomically better than my grades in high school. Hopefully that'll be the same for the rest of my 3 years.
The girlfriend and I are coming up on our 1 year and 4 months. Things are really, really good with her. We've gotten a lot better in terms of dealing with our relationship compared to this time last year. A lot of progress has been made with communication, especially when arguments are sparked and we deal with them in a much more mature fashion. We do things out of our normal routine to make sure the other feels wanted and important. We make an effort. I make her cute origami, she writes me cute letters, I hide hearts around her room, she spends all day snuggled up with me when I have the flu even though she might get it as well. We highlight each others' flaws, which brings into our attention that we should fix them, for them, so we make each other better people overall. We've had our ups and our downs but after every interaction, it gets just that little bit better, which adds up in the long run.
Anyway, I'm not Mr Fang, enough with this relationship business. One last thing though - I told my parents about her! I told my mum first about 3 months ago, and she took it a lot better than I thought. Actually, for the whole time, she was trying to work out -why- I was how I was and what could've been the causes of it. I told my dad a few days later since he was overseas. However, not all is good. The general message from them was "We accept it and love you for it, but we still hope you end up with a guy". Well, I didn't expect them to be 100% supportive, but this is pretty good!
America was pretty sweet as well. We went from New York to Buffalo to Washington to Charleston to Orlando and Miami to New Orleans to Texas to San Antonio to Sedona to the Grand Canyon to Vegas and to LA! I've probably missed out a few locations but you get the geographical gist. All of it we took by road with a car, aside from Miami - New Orleans. 6 weeks in America is certainly an adventure. When I was in Sedona, it snowed! I was very happy :D . There were so many things to eat and places to eat and the country is so rich with history. I'm really lucky to have parents like this who were willing to go on this big expensive trip, and my first time to America.
Now for the future. I'm gonna start going to the gym in the holidays at the end of exams, with my guy friend to help me start out. I've noticed that all my friends are physically fit - my girlfriend since she's started rowing, my other friend who does swimming 5 times a week, and the guys at work who are huge gym junkies. For the record, I absolutely hate doing fitness-related things that are hard. I'm very unfit - I can run maybe about 700 metres before needing to stop. I've tried so many things - I did field hockey for 3 years, started up and failed yoga and numerous 'home workout' programs. A lot of people say that at the end of a long run, or after a gruelling gym session, it feels so good to push yourself and satisfying and endorphins blah blah blah. Whenever I've had to go for a long run or do hard fitness, at the end of it, I feel like dying and lying on the ground for hours. I feel like throwing up and that weird feeling that water is in my ears. But, I'm still going to give it my all, and I'm going to force myself to do it for at least half a year, since getting into the routine, the beginning, is the hardest part. I'm going to pay for a gym membership with my own money so it'll go to waste if I don't use it. I've always been tall and skinny, I want to see how different my body can look like if I put in 110%.
Whew. I really do miss writing these entries. I never realise how much I love writing until I write a big word vomit like this. Feel free to send me a PM if you wanna catch up or you're feeling lonely or you want advice for anything. I love you guys, and I'll be back! <3
Helloo people :) I haven't been very active for the past year, but I have been popping in from time to time. I remember back in the day when I blogged just about every day. Ah, the times. In fact, in about a week, I'll have been at Sal's for 8 years! That's kind of scary.
As for me, nothing astronomical has changed since the last entry. My girlfriend and I are going strong, and my parent situation hasn't changed. Actually, my mum said that she 'didn't like gays', on a few separate occasions. Just lovely reminders of what I'm gonna be hit with when I tell them. School hasn't changed hugely either. I feel like my marks are slipping and I lack the motivation to improve because I know that I'll exceed the requirements for the university I want to go to. Hmm, that sounds kind of cocky. Okay, let's put it this way - to fail the requirements for this university, I need to miraculously drop by about 50% in all my subjects within the space of 2 months. The university I want to go to has a rather low requirement (70 ATAR for you Aussies) in my standards. This is because I'm wanting to enroll in the GIS (Geographic Information Science) degree, and this university is literally the only one that offers it in Australia. Lucky that it's not far away from where I live. I also finally passed my driving test after failing 3 times (oops :P ), which means I can drive on my own in February next year! Yaaaay :D
So yeah, high school officially ends for me in about 5 weeks, which seems daunting, but honestly I'm completely over highschool and I want to experience my freedom. Just get me out of here already. God, I sound like such a teenager. After the 5 weeks though, I have about 2 months of exams that are spaced out nicely. After that, I'm going on a 6-week holiday to America with my parents from December to mid-Jan. We're gonna pretty much go around the coast, starting from New York, down to Orlando and Miami, then across to New Orleans, pretty much stopping whenever we want till El Paso, and we might cross the border and spend some time in Mexico. Then we'll probably head up to Flagstaff, go to the Grand Canyon, then Las Vegas, and finally we'll depart at LA. That's the very rough plan anyway - we haven't booked any hotels yet so the schedule is still very flexible. Since most of you guys are from the US, do you have any tips/recommendations/advice for me? Places to go, things to buy, where all the bargains are, and especially FOOD. Just everything :P
This America trip may also cause complications in telling my parents about the girlfriend and all. The original plan was that I'd tell them as soon as exams ended, so they can spend more time mooning over it in the holidays rather than when I start uni. However, telling them straight after they've blown their bank on me by going to America doesn't seem very nice. Like, "Hey parents, thanks for giving me a once in a lifetime experience, now I'm going to ruin your lives." But if the GF and I saw each other heaps in the holidays when they don't know, it'll be a bit fishy. The idea was that I'd tell them ASAP so that they can have time to process, then we can spend time together before uni kills our social lives. But I don't know what's going to happen now. Either way, I feel so sorry for my parents because they're going to be devastated.
Not long to go now, I'm on my last run till I get out of highschool! Then I'll probably be back asking for uni advice :P . Until then, see ya!
Hullo. Me again. As some have pointed out, some things have changed. I thought I'd elaborate on my last entry, of a very special someone in particular :P . I mean I probably shouldn't and it's none of ya'lls business but screw it. Screw it all. I'm saying that a lot these days.
Before you gather your pitchforks, yes, this is my second relationship within 8 or 9 months, and yes, with a different gender to the last. That doesn't make a difference though. Actually, I lie, it makes all the difference. The guy relationship went sour mainly because my brain is stubborn and refuses to like males enough. I mean, that among a lot of other reasons, such as him being 20 and me being 17 and being at completely different stages in our lives. Okay, now you can ready your pitchforks because I kinda deserve to be speared by trying things with a guy whom I didn't give 100% to because of what I said above. All is well now though - he has moved on and we are still close friends. He understands my intentions and has forgiven me for it. I don't deserve to be so damn lucky sometimes.
So, my parents. Uh, well. About that. My parents strongly discourage me from getting a boyfriend, and if I did get one, they would give me practically no time to see him. Now, let's throw in some religion. Only my entire family are Christian/Catholic, which doesn't help my case very much. Now let's throw in the fact that I'm their only child. Their one and only shot at children, which has to be completely perfect and get straight As and bear perfect little grandchildren for them to play with.
Now back to the point and predict my parents' responses if I tell them that...
I have a boyfriend? No. Go back to studying.
I'm not straight? Our lives are ruined.
Has a girlfriend? Get out of the house.
It's kinda shizzlety. Telling them is completely out of the question. I'll have to hold off until the end of high school, where I will tell them. But I can't imagine NOT being with her. It just feels so natural, like it was always meant to happen. Despite all the risks and possible disowning by parents and whatnot - this is the first time I have felt completely at ease with somebody I have feelings for. It's said that in a relationship, the person who holds the power is the person who likes/loves the other less. Surprisingly, this is the least of my concerns. I feel like I'm on the exact same level as her. I don't feel like a mad raving lunatic wanting to know what she's doing 24/7 or getting insanely jealous when she speaks to anyone other than me, which is a nice change from my past crushes. It's like a calm storm, and I'm glad I'm mature enough now to realise what love is actually supposed to feel like.
The plus side to this (in the context of my parents) is that I can spend time with her without my parents getting suspicious. Every Monday, we study at the library after school and spend some time at the shops after that. There's no way I'd be able to do that with a guy and my parents knowing. There's no way a guy would be able to come to my house, or sleep over, or go with me alone anywhere, even if I told my parents that we were just friends. I can do just about anything with my girl (except the obvious) without a second glance by my parents.
The negative side to this is the hiding. So much hiding. And the close calls. We are unable to be affectionate to each other during school hours, or in any public place. Although, I guess girl couples have it easier than guy couples as the line between platonic and not platonic is more blurred. Nobody can know except extremely close friends. We have to be so careful with our looks and our actions. We have nearly been caught out several times, some by a matter of seconds. We have to be on guard all the goddamn time, and I'm scared that we'll slip one day.
This all probably seems like a huge amount of trouble to you people, but to be honest, it feels like nothing. And if it actually is a huge amount of trouble, then it's all worth it.
This is probably the cheesiest entry I've written since year 10. Or ever, really.
Questions? Queries? Comments? Hatemail?
Ok so an incredibly large range of exam results. From worst to best:
Maths - 54% (56% average) D:
Economics - 69% (idk average)
Physics - 74% (61% average) :D
English - 74% (57% average and top of my class!)
Business - 76% (69% average)
Geography - 93% (top of the year and everything and everyone and this mark probably was the best anyone has gotten in the past few years because I've never seen my Geography teacher look so thrilled before when he told me)
Didn't get as much as I'd thought in Business unfortunately. My teacher told me I was in the top 6 (of ~28 students) but 3-4 people were like 2% away from me. English I wanted 75%+ but when I found out I got the highest in the class, in front of the second top, who got 70%, I was pleased. There are quite a number of intelligent people in my English class and it's exciting to think I scored the highest out of them.
Also, yesterday I received a call from the school saying that I got a school award and was required to attend the speech night. For the past few years, I have gotten Attitude & Effort, which is pretty much a 'you tried pretty hard but you're not smart enough'. So, I was sitting there, waiting for her to say 'Attitude & Effort', and she said Academic Excellence. This is a big step up from A&E, and is pretty much 'you're really smart and you should be proud'. Got my end-of-year grades back too, and I got an A in English, Geography and Business and B in the rest. I'm pretty happy with that, although I got a B in Economics where I got an A last semester. Ah well, that's 1 more A than last semester!
So it seems that I'm on 492 entries and not 499 because the system includes draft entries in the 'managing blogs' section. Ahh.
So much that I partook in a 'math-off' with Pam on Facebook :P
With exams over, I kinda miss school, as in I can't see all my friends all the time and we actually have to arrange times to meet up and stuff. So bothersome. I'm just going to play LoL now.
Last semester, Geography was my worst subject, but my favourite, in terms of content. I scored a sad 62% in that exam, also by far my lowest.
A few days ago, I was personally pulled into an empty classroom by my Geography teacher, shut the door, and said that I got the top mark in the recent Geography exam. 93%. The second highest mark was 76%. What the hell. I didn't even feel like I did great in that exam. I'm really confused and happy at the same time. I also got 69% in Economics, but those are the only two I've gotten back. Like last exams, I'll put here how I think I did in each exam and compare them against my real marks, which I'll get by next week I hope.
English - I'm feeling good about this exam, I wrote a creative piece in the writing section, which was short but the plot was amazing. Last semester, I went for an analytical essay in the writing section, the 'safe' option, and did badly, so I'm testing my creative writing abilities before year 12. The rest of the exam had some challenging questions, and I hope I did them justice. Might be a long shot but I'm guessing 75%+.
Maths - I did the worst in this, I'm sure of it. Non-calculator section I'm quite sure I failed, as most people say they did, but calculator section was much better. I hate to say this, but 50-60% :(
Physics - This exam I found quite easy, at least compared to the last exam. The teachers making the exam probably realised that a 52% average last time wasn't so great and dumbed it down for us this time. Another long shot, but 70%+!
Business Management - Holy moly. I don't even know what to say. The Business exam was incredibly short and easy. Some people finished 1.5 hours before the real finishing time (it was supposed to take 2.5 hours). At the end of it, I was writing the essay with my left hand to kill time. I still finished about 40 minutes early. I double and triple checked everything, including correcting spelling and grammar mistakes (quite a lot, oops). I do admit that I didn't know exact answers to every question but I did the best I could. 20 minutes left. Zzz. 80%+ please.
I have exams in a week and I've done shizzle all.
Tomorrow's my last day of year 11.
I broke up with him.
My English teacher told my class that we've been the best class she's had in the past 5 years. Came as a massive shock for all of us, did not expect that at all. She's an extremely good teacher but her teacher-student relations are...non-existent. She was in a very good mood yesterday, and today she told us...
She's getting married! That's probably why. She's never in a good mood. Sucks that it's only come out in the last week of school. Ah well, it's been an interesting year in English.
2 class parties today. So full.
I want to get 500 entries already.
This is the day I have been dreading for the past few weeks. Friday, week three of the 4th term of school. Back then, it was for school reasons. Huge English assignment due, four weeks' worth of English journal tasks due, Physics test and Geography test. Also keep in mind this week was loaded with other tests. I was staying up very late every night leading up to today. Yesterday night was horrendous. I was up till the early hours of the morning, doing my English assignment with my partner, who wasn't responding to my panic calls. Turns out she came home at about 9.30pm from playing basketball. Furthermore, I hadn't done ANY study for either of my tests, and at that time I hadn't done my English journals. We finally were able to establish some form of communication and finish off our assignment around midnight. Then I had my English journal to do, which is about 3 pages of handwriting. Long story short, I didn't have a great sleep.
I woke up this morning, scrambling to get some studying done as I had no time to do it the night (or morning) before. I was completely screwed for Physics, as the topic was Electricity and for the past few weeks I understood hardly anything and was stumped by every equation I came past. I'm doing well in terms of grades in Geography so I could afford to flunk out in that test. So I went to school, quite hot and flustered, and was confronted with some information about Neil. Over the last few months, he had detached himself from my group and became increasingly angry and frustrated. This is because he can't get over the fact that Maya doesn't want him as more than a friend and that she's going out with Barker, who is better than Neil in every way possible which he can't accept. So, whenever Neil gets the chance to, he stares at her. From everywhere. He tries not to make it obvious but we all can feel it. And when she looks back, he looks away and storms off. There is much more to this, including him threatening Maya behind her back and getting violent with his best friend. Yesterday, me and my group went to the school counsellor because we all really couldn't handle him anymore. It was affecting ALL of us and something needed to change.
Anyway, back to this morning. Neil had really hit home on Maya because she was in a downright mess, and despite my attempts at advice I felt even more helpless and powerless on the situation. At that point I was so drained, my friends asked me why I was being so quiet (in maths). Note that maths is probably the class I am the most vocal in because I'm the slow learner in my group of maths buddies, and I'm constantly moaning peoples' names because I don't understand a question and need help. That and I tend to get distracted and pour out some of my Sofee humour. So I'm pretty notorious for talking in maths. The partner that I did the English assignment with sat next to me and we did some finishing touches on the assignment. I had the assignment in Economics, the next class, and I corrected some of her spelling mistakes and grammatical errors, as well as erasing statements that ended mid-sentence because there was no way of completing them. At recess, as we were walking to the English office to hand it in, I informed her of this and she was not happy. She was pissed. She said 'it was meant to be like that' and refused to talk to me. She told all of her (and my) friends of what I did and because she got to them first, they were biased and piled the blame onto me. I tried to reason with them but they took me down and sided with my partner. Okay, perhaps what I did was wrong, but I honestly believe(d) it was for the good of our grades. I really don't see why she's making such a big deal out of it. Screw them all. Geography test next. Think I did okay. Then came lunch.
My group was shattered. We didn't know what was happening with Neil or Maya, and at the end of lunch, Maya told me that she was falling back into depression. And I could do nothing about it. I was devastated and felt defeated. But I couldn't, I had a Physics test to do. I know I did badly in it. I did every question but I know that some big ones were done completely wrong. Then another lesson went by and the day was over.
Finally. I was on my way home, thinking I could blow some steam off by playing LoL, as there were no parents to yell at me and tell me to study (both were working). I checked my phone at the bus stop and had some missed calls from my mum, saying she would pick me up. Huh? I took the bus anyway and she told me that since the tax season is over, she would not be working for the next 8 months. She would return to being a stay-at-home mum, monitoring my every move. This means that me and my male companion are not going to be able to meet in secret as we had done for the past few months. This means that what we are is now a ticking time bomb, ready to blow out. In the time that she worked, I loved my freedom. I loved that I could go home any time till 6 and not have anyone notice. I loved that I could hang out with friends, buy junk food, go shopping, do ANYTHING after school without anyone knowing. I loved that I didn't have to rely on my parents as a mode of transport. I WAS FREE.
And now, I am back to my old ways. I am trapped in this prison I call home. Where all my opinions are overthrown by my parents, saying that I'm not old enough to make decisions for myself. No longer can I roam freely without being questioned and having to tell my parents where I am and when I'm coming home. No boyfriends, no hanging out with friends outside of school, no going on the computer for more than 2 hours a day, no goddamn fudgeing anything. My manager also told me that he can't fulfill my parents' wishes of taking 3 weeks off work to do my exams, which are in 2-3 weeks. I can only take 2 weeks off. My parents will be outraged. They'll flat out tell me that I'm not allowed to work anymore. According to them, my life revolves around my education and anything getting in the way of that ought to be dealt with accordingly. They don't know yet. I don't know when I'll tell them.
Oh yeah, to add a nice finishing touch to this, rumours are flying around about me in school. Really, really bad rumours. The rumours are only known amongst 'the populars' and haven't gotten to my friends yet. I can only hope these rumours don't get to my friends, because if they find out, all hell will break loose.
I don't know what I'll do with myself. I try to control it but I can't. I feel so utterly defeated and overwhelmed. I thought after today ended I would be happy, but I'm feeling worse than before the day started. I feel hungry but I'm not eating. I want to curl up into my bed and cry, but the tears aren't coming. I just want it all to end.
I don’t know anymore.
My life is great. I have everything I’ve ever wanted when I was young. I’m well above average education-wise. I have great, loving and understanding parents. I have a job that I love and look forward to doing every weekend. But most importantly, I have friends. I went from rock bottom, zero friends when I was 10, to now, the happiest I’ve ever been.
Let me give you some context of year 5 to demonstrate to you what kind of year it was. I was dumped into a new school after my previous school, which already stirred up some crippling social issues. It was no big surprise that I had no friends. But you already know that. Let’s start things off with Runescape, shall we? My Runescape addiction blossomed, and I did virtually anything to play. On weekends, I woke up at 5am to play Runescape. Actually, I woke up at 4am, shaking with excitement, unable to fall back to sleep, and read Enid Blyton books to pass the time. Each chapter, I looked at my watch to see how much time had passed. 4 minutes. I remember very clearly, 4 minutes for each chapter. This is where I got my super-fast reading skills from. I also deliberately gave myself nosebleeds after school. It became so easy to trigger them; I all I needed to do was to give my nose a small nudge. It felt great. I used nailclippers to pick off my moles and freckles and took pleasure in the blood dribbling down my body. I scratched at the inside of my ears, enough to make them bleed, and waited till they became scabs and I picked them off, and scratched at them again to reignite the vicious cycle. Let’s toss in some bullying too. A fat boy with mental problems and a Japanese boy with crushing family issues paired up to make my life a living hell. More than it already was. This is also around the time I started this blog, funnily enough.
Yeah, it was messed up. I was messed up. I look back and it’s rather shocking to realise that I had never given year 5 a second thought until now.
Six years since that dreadful year, and I still restrain myself from grinning foolishly whenever I meet a friend’s gaze. The sound of someone acknowledging, sincerely conversing with me, is like music to my ears. Whenever a friend confides in me with their deepest, darkest secret, for the next few days I feel as if I am floating on the clouds, on the top of the world. This is the best feeling I’ve ever experienced so far.
Then why is it that I feel so lonely, hollow, as if all that I have has been sucked out of me?
A philosophy I recently recognised and have observed throughout many of my highschool years is that a human has two people inside them – person 1, the person who everyone else sees, and acts in accordance to others. Person 2 is the person who holds all their insecurities, fears, memories, emotions, deepest darkest secrets and rises to the throne when the human is at their most vulnerable, with nobody to notice even if they screamed. None of these two are fake, but they stand polar opposites from each other, taking turns in inhabiting their human’s body.
Of course, all these successful friendships don’t come without some strings attached. Of fudgeing course.
In year 7, the first year of high school, I was still struggling to make friends inside my class. I was targeting this girl, super nice and pretty (and still is!), to be my closest friend. Cringe. I did everything to get her to notice me. I tripped her up, undid her shoelaces, and made fun of her, all the works. Oh yes, she noticed me all right. I wanted so desperately to be her best friend, tried so hard at every opportunity, but whatever response she gave me, it was never enough. Eventually, at the end of the year, I reached the tipping point, and was sent into a whole different world I’d never explored before. I didn’t want her just as a friend. I wanted more. More than a friend. I had different thoughts about her, dreams…that I still remember to this day. Let’s skip past the next 4 years and summarise it nicely – every remotely attractive friend with a good personality I’ve gotten extremely close with, I’ve fallen for. And it has ruined every friendship. All my expectations of her, every move she makes, every response that isn’t directed towards me, it all changes from my point of view. I get insanely jealous when they talk and laugh with their other friends, that aren't caused by me. It’s wrong, I tell myself. I just want to be friends, why do I have to feel like this? Why do I have to fudge up goddamn fudgeing everything that I ever worked for in these 6 long years just because I feel differently!?! I JUST WANT TO BE FRIENDS. but she might feel the same way too. NO SHE GODDAMN WON'T GET OUT OF MY fudgeING HEAD! you'll never know if you don't ask...SHE TOLD ME THAT SHE WASN'T! and you could be the person who changes that. THAT'S ENOUGH, I'M NOT TALKING TO HER TODAY SO I DON'T FEEL THESE THINGS! won't you miss the feeling of seeing her warm smile, that cute nervous twitch of her eyebrow when she gets excited, her bubbly laugh when you say something funny, her soft hand in yours when she cries...that feeling could last forever, if you two lived together with her body wrapped around yours, singing perfect harmonies...
But as mentioned in some of my previous entries, there is a guy. 19 years of age, extremely intelligent, cute, in uni. We have done things. And in those moments, I feel whole, and I want that moment to be forever. I want him. But when he leaves, that feeling of loneliness comes back, and he disappears. If the girl did the same thing as the guy, who would I prefer? If she said what he said to me, would the feeling be stronger? And the answer is yes. It's always yes. It's so hard to admit that. I can have him but I can't have her. And I feel like I'm just stringing him along. But there are times, a lot of times, where I want him so bad, to just spend time with him. To walk, hand in hand, laughing and giggling as the world around us disappears. And then there are other times where I don't really care what he does. I don't care whether we cut contact, in fact it would be a weight off my back to stop stringing him on and let him continue with his life without be burdening him. I hate thinking about the future. I don't know what I want. My conservative parents want me to get happily married to a guy and have children and live happily ever after. So do I. But I'm always questioning myself, am I really able to fall for a guy when I have never done that before like I have for girls? Am I really able to live with a guy? Spend the rest of my life with him and commit myself to him? I want to, so badly. But girls. I sometimes picture myself with a girl, and the thought is so much happier, so much more fulfilled. But parents. They would be absolutely crushed to see their only child, a perfect, smart daughter, slam their dreams of having grandchildren. Especially my mum. She LOVES children. She's constantly saying how happy she would be when I have a kid, to take care of one all over again. I have no brothers or sisters to take the spotlight, I am their only creation and they have incredibly high expectations of me, because if I screw up, they will be so disappointed in me. And it hurts to think that I will disappoint them.
I don't even know what to do when I get out of high school. For the past few years, I have wanted to become a meteorologist. It's only now that reality is hitting me in the face, that the most crucial part of meteorology is Physics, my most despised subject. And Maths, which I'm not too brilliant at either (think below average in the most challenging class, 3AB). My backup plan has been doing Geography. I looove Geography. Anything to do with the study of the earth, I love. But, of course, nothing is going to plan grade-wise. My worst subjects are the ones that are required for meteorology/geography - Physics, Maths, Geography. My top subjects are useless to me after highschool - Business studies, Economics, English. And before anything, I am NOT taking up anything finance-related after school. Economics is the most boring class I have and I feel like falling asleep within a minute of every lesson, but it is my second best subject behind Business and I'm getting very good grades for it.
I haven’t done this kind of thing in a while. I kinda miss blogging.
To start off, a month or so ago I went on a ski trip with some of my year group for 7 days and 2 days in Melbourne. It was a pretty nice experience, getting to show off my skills while my friends were stacking it left and right. The snow conditions were pretty miserable unfortunately, with it being Australia. It actually began quite nicely, then as the week went by, the weather rapidly deteriorated. On some days it rained and hailed heavily, but we trudged through and managed to have a good time. The visibility was also very bad, I could hardly see 20m in front of me. Of course there were 'good' days where the sun was out and all, but not much. The last 3 days were the worst though. Since it was peak season for skiing (school holidays), there were many many schools skiing. On those last 3 days, 2 or 3 lifts were open, which meant everybody was hogging the best run. On the very last day of skiing, the rain poured all night and all day, which meant zero lifts were open. We got a refund and spent the day packing our bags. Pretty depressing stuff. It didn't snow once during our time there. Of course, the day directly after we left, it snowed 23cm. And the day after that it snowed about 10cm. Here's the charts of the snow base of where I went skiing. The bit between the black lines is when I went. fudge life.
In that time though, we went to Melbourne city, where, guess what, IT RAINED. Who would've guessed. We spent most of our time indoors though, shopping till we dropped. And then we got lost. In Melbourne city, there's this free tram that circles the city where we can just hop on when it comes. Well, we did, but after a few stops we had no idea where to get off, and didn't know if we were even going in the right direction. So we went YOLO and hopped off the tram, completely lost. We located a map and after much searching, finally figured out where the fudge we were. We were on the opposite side of the city from where we were supposed to be. We walked the distance back to the hotel, in the rain, via a coffee shop. That night I went to a footy (AFL) match where the team I was going for (temporarily, I will not go for the Saints again unless it's against Collingwood) was down by 40 or so points, made a huge comeback and lost by 5 points, which is a goal away from winning. Very depressing. We spent the night in Melbourne then went back home the next day, where I watched my favourite footy team lose by a lot and my second favourite footy team lose too. Yay.
Today at lunch, I sat with my group of girl friends midway through. As I sat down, I caught a whiff of the unmistakable smell of fresh, putrid, vomit. In a matter of seconds it became overwhelming. I was a bit paranoid of mentioning it because it could just have been a person's bad BO, but it was getting really unbearable so I spoke up. They also had no idea where the puke smell came from. After a while of investigating, someone said that it could be someone's food. A friend with a turkish bread sandwich from the school's canteen said that hers tasted funny and opened up the contents. Oh lord. The smell. Another friend with a similar school canteen sandwich had the same smell radiating from hers. Some whiffed the sandwiches and turned up their noses. Some took a bite and gagged. It was the school sandwiches. Being the responsible person I was, I steered clear of those sandwiches and refused to inspect them whatsoever. The common ingredient in those sandwiches was cheese, which must have been the culprit. The owners of the sandwiches went to the canteen to complain, while the two other friends who took a bite earlier said they couldn't stand the taste in their mouth so I accompanied them to the bathroom to wash the taste out. After several rinses, the taste still wouldn't get out, so they gave up, left the bathroom with me trailing them, instantly came rushing back and threw up in the toilets. Now that was the real smell of vomit. After they finished, I bought them ice creams at the canteen to get rid of the taste. There was a small gathering at the canteen, all holding unfinished turkish breads. Apparently, the order of cheese that they received was different, quote from the canteen lady, 'mature cheese'. Now, I am Swiss, coming from the land of cheese, and have tried and smelt a lengthy variety of bad-scented cheeses, and never have I ever, in my entire life, have come anywhere close to smelling one as horrid as that. It was the exact smell of vomit, as if someone had just thrown up on the sandwich and given it out. There is absolutely no way that cheese was anything other than very, very wrong, and I think the canteen lady is trying to cover it up with a sorry excuse. The people who had their lunches wasted got a free ice cream, which was less than half the value of the turkish bread. This is fudgeing unacceptable. /rantover. Wait not yet.
Oh yeah, Maya needs some boy advice. She's going out with Barker, and as I mentioned before the relationship is extremely unbalanced, with Barker wanting Maya 24/7 and Maya just taking everything. It's gotten to the point where it really is too much, for her and the rest of our group. At lunch times we sit on a square bench with places to sit on on all sides, fitting about 2 people on each end. Whenever Maya has 2 people other than Barker next to her (one of which is usually me), when he arrives to the table, he stands there expecting someone to move so he can sit next to her, and if nobody does he sometimes tries to physically lift us up and sit us somewhere else. If we still refuse, then he pulls this really sad puppy face and sits elsewhere. He stands this for about 5 minutes, then, I kid you not, he comes to her corner and kneels next to her like a fudgeing dog so he can be with her. It's painful to watch. There was also this one time when the group had a movie night with Barker snuggling and rubbing against Maya. She got a bit sick of this and went to sit with another friend, telling Barker not to follow, but after 10 seconds of separation he kinda held onto her foot, like a 'noo don't leave me' gesture for the movie. I wasn't there that night but hearing it from Maya made me wince. It makes him sound like a pathetic little child being separated from his mummy for the first day of school. Not only that, but it's screwing with his outside life as well. He has this English presentation with a group he needed to do urgently after school but he chose to spend time with Maya, who didn't know about this. The next day (today, actually) his group members were really pissed off at him for not showing up. Understandably so. He also said to her on one of their dates that he was never going to leave her, and when she said "But we're in high school, you can't say that," he said "I don't care, I'm never leaving you,' very, very seriously.
What I'm trying to say is, she is being suffocated by him. She has told him multiple times to control himself around her and he just doesn't listen. I mean, he does, at the time when Maya tells him, but after 10 minutes it's back to hugging, snuggling, stroking her hair, stroking her face, holding hands, rubbing her thighs, rubbing her back, ON THE LUNCH fudgeING TABLE. WITH EVERYBODY fudgeING WATCHING THEM WHILE EATING THEIR fudgeING SANDWICHES TRYING NOT TO GAG. Since the forum is comprised of mainly boys, how do you think can she get the message across to him to tone down everything? What would make you stop? Don't get me wrong, Maya likes him a lot, but she's incredibly uncomfortable by his public tactics and is not a very touchy-feely person. We tried to come up with a battle plan in form and she brought up the idea of writing him a letter, since face-to-face confrontations don't work. Is this a good idea? I have spoken to Barker on an occasion about it but he just dismisses it and doesn't think it's a big deal. Btw it's been 4 months into the relationship and his actions, according to Maya, are getting worse.
Now, I'm making Barker sound like he's a horrible person, but he really isn't. He's a pretty great, extremely intelligent guy when his judgement isn't being affected by the thought of Maya. He just needs to learn the meaning of 'no'.
Remember that entry with me getting a tonsilitis scare? I got a strange raspy feeling in my throat today and decided to do some exploring. The spots had multiplied. My right tonsil is bulging with a large prominent white spot on it. Spots littered everywhere. It doesn't hurt though, nowhere as bad as the time I described in that entry. The feeling's hardly even there. Nevertheless, I'm an idiot. I should've listened, like many many other times in this blog. I'm going to get it checked out. I hope my guy in this entry didn't catch it from me. Oh god I feel so bad now.
I hope, if I do have tonsilitis, it don't affect me during my ski trip. Can't remember if I mentioned it previously but in 12 days I'm going skiing with my year group to Mt Hotham for 10 days. Not all of it will be spent skiing of course - I'll be going an AFL game and of course, SHOPPING! Pam and a handful of my other friends are going too. Most of them haven't gone skiing before so that'll be entertaining to watch. Any Aussies on the east coast gone to Hotham before? I've been spoilt with the luxurious slopes of Switzerland and haven't skiied in Australia before, I wonder if it'll be any different.
Some better news, probably not to the general public though. I got my L plates! Another female Asian driver on the road! No fatalities so far, but have had some VERY close calls with a mailbox and a log. Only been 'properly' driving 3 times.
That's it for now, the next few weeks will be very, very interesting indeed.
Got my exam results back today and yesterday. Pleasantly surprised by some, not so pleasantly surprised by others.
English - 66%. Was hoping for slightly higher, this is around average for the year group. I'm rereading the paper and kicking myself for not spotting very obvious things.
Business - 78%. Argh could've gotten so much better. Taking into account I didn't take Business for the first 10 weeks of the term I did pretty well. Dat 6 mark question...
Maths - 72% asdfasdjfhaworaoie omg. Didn't expect anything above 60. It's also the first ever thing I've gotten above average for maths, not counting investigations.
Physics - Again, I thought I would fail this but 63%. Also the average for the entire year is 52%. Everyone who got over 60% was celebrating. Big accomplishment.
Economics - 76%. Expected.
Geography - 64%. Wut. I thought I did reasonably well but apparently not.
All you geniuses out there are probably laughing at my mediocre marks but everyone has different standards. What matters in the end is what I do in 5-10 years time, most likely further out.
Back to lovely, lovely school. *sigh*
FINISHED EXAMS! Here's a run-down on how I think I did on them, in order.
English - Not that great tbh, I fiddlesticksted most of it which I'm not very good at >.<
Business - Pretty good actually, but totally misread a 6-mark question (out of 90) and completely screwed it up.
Maths - Non-calc section was easy peasy but calc-section was quite depressing. I missed out on a lot of things and simply didn't know how to do some.
Physics - Also quite depressing. Not sure if I'll pass.
Economics - Quite simple, I know I screwed up on certain parts though. Probably going to be one of my higher scoring ones.
Geography - Had this a few hours ago. fiddlesticksted my way through this too, but better than I did in English. 'Bushfires happen because it's hot. They kill people. Bushfires are bad.' - Had to drag that out for about 4 pages.
I'M SO HAPPY AND NOT JUST BECAUSE EXAMS ARE OVER ASDKFJAHWOERIJAWO;FKNAWER