I thought I'd swing by to formally bow out of this forum. I'm way too busy these days and I've had to be ruthless in selecting what to assign to my limited recreational time.
Many thanks to all the creeps in the Entertainment thread, where I spent most of my time. Particularly, the regular contributor's to the Music Recommendations Thread. Also, thanks to those few Debate Room nerds who engaged in genuine argument in the interest of progressive discussion. Props to Jack-Nicholson and Whitey for being rad.
I may find myself coming back once in a while, but for practical reasons, this is THE END of Mr. Grieves / Hyrax.
If you want to stay in touch then find me on Facebook here. Please let me know who you are, otherwise I may not accept you.
And if you want to keep up with my electronic music stuff, you can get news here and listen to it here.
I've got some other projects coming up, but I'll probably mention those on the I Am a Car Facebook page.
WELL, I think that's that.
I walked into the jungle in the middle of the night,
my deepest fears reflected in the niveous moonlight.
A thousand unseen eyes did rip the skin straight from my back
as I walked into the jungle on a bloodied, beaten path.
The earth, it moved beneath me, like a carpet made of ants
as hanging emerald skeletons usurped the forlorn plants.
The greenest shades of black swallowed the blackest shades of green
as when the fingers of the nightmare choke the last breath of the dream.
A creeper coiling at my wrist to lead me deeper still
looked like a silent haunted victim looking for some guts to spill,
but the only voice I heard was of a ghostly gasping wight
who had walked into the jungle in the middle of the night.
A ghoul that had such providence to keep me marching on
had no worldly incarnation for my eyes to rest upon.
A spook with lipless smiles and a whirlwind in its lung
drew me closer to the darkness with the soundless song it sung.
A beast that waited in the shadows made its fierce attack.
It eagerly divided me as I lay there on my back.
I let my body bleed and thought while all around me blurred,
that my fears are of humanity and are fostered by the herd.
I walked into the jungle in the middle of the night.
I walked for such a long time that the night became my life
and as I reached the heart of darkness that engulfed all that I see,
I realised it was the jungle that had walked right into me.
I'm not dead. Cue the cheering of the world's population. My complete lack of presence here at Sal's over the past months may have upset you all very deeply (lol jk) but I am now back with a vengeance. Well, I'm back. Perhaps not with a vengeance. But I don't think vengeance is a prerequisite for successful reintroduction to one's favourite MMORPG related internet forums. And if it is then consider me a rebel.
ANYWAY, I've been really ill and pretty much bedridden for the last few months, though I am now on the mend. As such, I am getting my life back. As you can imagine, being stuck in bed at my Mum's house has pretty much dissolved any social sense of self so here begins the rebuilding.
I'll probably be using my blog here to keep updates of a few projects I have going on at the minute. I'm working on a new ambient electronica album under my I Am A Car guise. I'm also working on a a new EP of acoustic ukulele based alt-folk. And I've just started a new experimental/noise/post-punk duo with a new friend so that's exciting. On top of that, I'm writing a novella so keep your eyes peeled like spherical bananas.
I hope you're all doing well.
Here in the UK there is a massive love of the show Top Gear. The three presenters are held in very high regard, particularly their leader Jeremy Clarkson. You won't struggle to find "Clarkson for Prime Minister" or "Clarkson's Always Right" smeared across people's social networking profiles or stickered on the rear window of their car. His politically incorrect, offensive opinions bring a smile to faces all across the UK and to many he is the voice of a generation.
I hate Top Gear and I hate Jeremy Clarkson. Whether or not his politically incorrect, offensive opinions are held because they create a lovable persona that we all love to cringe to and that represent what we know we shouldn't say, or whether they're actual genuine opinions he holds (in which case he is one of the worst human beings in the country), it must be acknowledged that many thousands, if not millions, of Top Gear fans take them to be the latter. Furthermore, these fans take to holding these views themselves. So everytime Jeremy Clarkson makes jokes about homosexuality, homelessness, terminal illness, foreigners, asylum seekers, strikers, et cetera these people are investing an acceptance for the validity of a certain point of view. And this is one of the very, very many things that disdains me about the country I live in.
Regardless of all this, I happen to thoroughly enjoy the work of stand-up comic Stewart Lee. And regardless of the fact that he is a left-wing, politically correct liberal, he is a very funny guy who makes me laugh. Now to see something that features both Stewart Lee making me laugh and some kind of logical tirade against the sanctity of Top Gear is clearly something I'm going to love. WELL IT JUST SO HAPPENS THAT SOMETHING EXISTS.
Find here a link to a video of Stewart Lee on Top Gear.
I think this video is great and I've been making all my friends watch it, regardless of whether they are fans of Top Gear or not. And furthermore, whether they are Top Gear fans, they've all found it to be very funny, at least to a certain extent. But the reason I love Stewart Lee (and likewise for my all time favourtie Bill Hicks) is because his comedy does have an agenda. That's why I never feel fulfilled by Michael McIntyre or any of those guys, there's a substance that seems left out, some kind of humanity. Anyway, feel free to watch the video. I feel Stewart Lee is one of the most underrated stand-ups working in the UK today.
1. I hate Top Gear.
2. I thoroughly enjoy the work of Stewart Lee.
There's two facts you didn't know about me but you now do.
As some of you may know, I have a little ambient, minimalist, electronic music project called I Am A Car.
I now have a Bandcamp page where you can listen to and download my music for free. If you want to. You can check out:
a few songs from my first album, ALL of my second album, and two sneaky preview tracks from my upcoming third LP.
Due to the kind of music I make being not massively popular, if you know anyone who might like it then do pass it on.
Also, if you dig the tunes then feel free to "like" my Facebook page.
So I went to Denmark for a week with my girlfriend and ate my weight in pastry. A lot of rare steak, fresh fish and very good beer was consumed throughout.
I visited the grave of Kierkegaard, bought interesting lager from the Carlsberg Visitor Centre and saw many a brun bjørn at Copenhagen zoo.
We saw cutting edge modern art, ancient architecture and an extensive Toulouse-Lautrec exhibition. Many museums (and many more bars) were visited.
Denmark is incredibly clean, tidy, organised, exciting and beautiful (as is much of that part of Europe) and it was not easy when the time came to leave.
Here is a brief (very brief compared to the 300 photos on the full album) photo album of my time, the title of each link will serve as a caption;
The perfect start to every day in Denmark
Myself by the harbour next to our hotel
My girlfriend by the harbour next to our hotel
The Little Mermaid
The "Not So Little" Mermaid
The vivid colours of Denmark at the Kastallet
Taking art seriously at the Danish Design Museum
Taking art seriously at the National Museum of Art
Myself getting existential at the grave of Soren Kierkegaard
My girlfriend trembling at the top of the 300ft Vor Frelsers Kirke
Myself getting ready to spend some cash in the Green Light District
A healthy snack at the Wilder Cafe in Christianshavn
Sampling Denmark's finest
A mind altering installation at Louisiana (Modern Art Gallery)
My girlfriend and her massive breasts...
Spot the difference
Myself enjoying the view from the Louisiana sculpture garden
The beautiful Danish sea
A distant view of the coast of Sweden
I hope you enjoyed looking through those as much as I enjoy knowing that you didn't enjoy looking through those as much as I enjoyed my holiday in Denmark.
Tak og farvel.
I've just moved house and my new room has a weird smell. It's not my smell. I'm going to have to spend the next few weeks implementing my own smell and getting rid of this one. That said, we have a very big kitchen and a nice garden. They don't smell weird. They smell good. They smell perfectly kitcheny and gardeny, respectively. We also have a tumble drier which I've already misused. I had socks that used to fit my feet. They now look to fit my toes. My little toes.
An upside of moving is getting the deposit back from your old house. In my case that's a cool £300. I've already prepared how to spend it. I'm going to buy a nice leather jacket, some brown boots, a dashiki, some nice cords, some new underwear, a velour jumper, a moderately impressive bundle of drugs and a beautiful new USB audio interface for recording new lo-fi songs that fit neither my ambient electronica project nor my post-hardcore/noise/math rock project. I'll let you know when I have some recordings. If you're interested.
I've also inadvertently entered into a amorous relationship with my housemate. Maybe a bad idea. Maybe a good idea. Maybe a bad idea disguised as a good idea. But hey, we have a big kitchen and a garden now, anything is possible. I'm jobhunting to make money until September when it's back to University for the fourth year running. I'm all about Pizza Hut right now, I've applied for every position going, just to get on that employee discount and ride it all the way to cheese-based coronary failure.
This was an update on my life. It was really not as interesting as if I'd told some lies or just told you a funny story. Your loss.
I'm not dead, I'm busy. Band is going well, playing many festivals over the summer.
Starting another one on the side, mathy noise rock. Very loud. Good times.
Revising for next month's final exam. Upon passing that I'll have a degree. Yeah.
Many other things. I'll be back with a real blog entry soon. I know you can't wait.
That's not true. I know you can wait and that isn't relevant anyway because most of you don't care.
I'll be back anyway, just to spite you. JUST TO SPITE YOU.
...I'm not dead.
This is my personal list of 2010's best albums.
1. Little Women - Throat
A clear winner for me; fresh and exciting and like nothing else.
It's a rare kind of musical journey. Unforgettable and unrelenting. I love it.
2. Xiu Xiu - Dear God, I Hate Myself
3. Arcade Fire - The Suburbs
4. Owen Pallett - Heartland
5. Titus Andronicus - The Monitor
6. Caribou - Swim
7. Bonobo - Black Sands
8. The National - High Violet
9. Zs - New Slaves
10. Four Tet - There Is Love In You
A good year for indie kids. Arcade Fire come back and kill it yet again.
Xiu Xiu's new stuff is heavenly. Titus Andronicus breathe new life into indie punk.
Zs prove their worth and Caribou, Bonobo and Four Tet make 2010 a laid back beat fest.
11. Wild Nothing - Gemini
12. Pulled Apart By Horses - Pulled Apart By Horses
13. Interpol - Interpol
14. Sufjan Stevens - The Age Of Adz
15. Flying Lotus - Cosmagramma
16. Autechre - Oversteps
17. Autolux - Transit Transit
18. Jaga Jazzist - One-Armed Bandit
19. Los Campesinos! - Romance Is Boring
20. Jónsi - Go
Wild Nothing warm the hearts of shy lo-fi types everywhere.
Pulled Apart By Horses rock out and they do it very, very, very well.
Sufjan gets his bleep on and Interpol offer a suprising and highly intelligent album.
Los Camps dominate complex pop tunes and Jónsi makes a dance pop Sigur Ros album.
21. Silver Mt. Zion - Kollaps Tradixionales
22. Deerhunter - Halcyon Digest
23. The Tallest Man On Earth - The Wild Hunt
24. MGMT - Congratulations
25. Surfer Blood - Astro Coast
26. Woven Hand - The Threshingfloor
27. Grinderman - Gringerman 2
28. Bonnie "Prince" Billy & The Cairo Gang - The Wonder Show Of The World
29. John Zorn - Dictée/Liber Novus
30. Deftones - Diamond Eyes
31. Broken Social Scene - Forgiveness Rock Record
32. Yeasayer - Odd Blood
33. 65daysofstatic - We Were Exploding Anyway
34. The Walkmen - Lisbon
35. Beach House - Teen Dream
36. Massive Attack - Heligoland
37. Vampire Weekend - Contra
38. Kanye West - My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy
Grinderman's second album is hardly different from their first, but the first was damn fine.
John Zorn proves he's not settling down at all. MGMT go in a new and very pleasing direction.
Tallest Man On Earth justifies the buzz around him and will probably be very famous in a few years.
Deftones are still doing an alright job. Vampire Weekend and Kanye impress me a bit.
Good year. Good albums. Good bye.
Here's where I am; I've stopped drinking, I'm still smoking, I've stopped eating terrible food, I'm still taking lots of drugs, I've stopped pretending to care, I've started a noise rock band. I've stopped. I'm swell.
My band are about to release our debut single and our record label recommended we release a video for it, so we made one. It was filmed in one tiny room and took about 2 hours. It was rushed but the end result isn't too bad at all. Watch it
and be aware that there's an overbearing amount of my naked nipples. Do let me know what you think.
Herein find; a story of a friend who became a moron and reverted back within half an hour or so.
I've a friend whom I consider to be refreshingly rational, intelligent, logical, et cetera. I find we have much in common, not least in terms of our views on major moral/ethical/political issues. I've never heard him say anything that would make think "Are you serious?" until yesterday. A few of us were sat around talking about whatever and we eventually came upon the topic of conspiracy theories. Soon enough we'd agreed the 9/11 Conspiracy Theory was hilarious (particularly the "Loose Change" video, which I still think may be some kind of post-modern comedy video that people haven't got yet), that Elvis is probably dead, Diana's car accident was a car accident, David Icke is a nice guy but definitely f**king nuts, little naked aliens didn't land in Roswell, the moon is not full of Nazi's, FEMA is not going to kill millions of people in purpose built concentration camps, and most importantly; GLOBAL WARMING IS DEFINITELY F**KING HAPPENING.
Upon all these things we agreed. Then my dear friend admitted he thinks the Apollo moon landings were faked. What a berk. My first reaction was to laugh, then solemnly weep in the corner. My first question was this; "Why would they fake the moon landing?" and the response was "They had to win the space race, and it got them a lot of money". Fair enough, I don't doubt that corruption is rife in the world we live in, and I can see why the USA would want to win the space race. Let's move on then, what evidence have ye? Here went a series of bad pseudo-scientific observations; the likes of They plant a flag, it then moves in a breeze. There's no wind on the moon. They plant a flag. I agree with this. It moves. I agree with this. There's no wind on the moon. I agree with this. "It moves in a breeze" - NO. It moves because it has been moved. When you move something; it moves. Yes? See? They got the flag out, stuck it on a pole and shoved it in the ground. When you do that, you're going to create motion in the flag, and that flag isn't going to stop moving because you've let go of it. Momentum, yo! My friend agrees that this makes sense and considers this nugget now void. There are no stars in the sky! They're on the moon, where's them stars at!? Take a photo on a camera and, unless you have a super mega camera, you won't be able to simultaneously capture (to any reasonable degree) something very bright and something very dim. You have to select what you want in range and take a photo of just that. You have to underexpose the sky to get the daytime exposure of the 'nauts. As with many of these issues, if they were real problems, how the f**k would NASA have managed to forget about them when "faking" the moon landing!? I'm sure they didn't film the fake landing, put it out into the world, sit down and then think "OH S**T! WE FORGOT TO ADD STARS IN THE SKY!" He had a lot of other points relating to photos and film that he had on his laptop; all of which we debunked. Furthermore, the USSR didn't give kick off at all. If they thought there was a chance the USA faked the moon landing then I don't doubt they would have hooted and howled about it everywhere. But they didn't because they're not idiots.
Anyway, my friend (restoring his capacity to be rational) decided he had been wrong and agreed the moon landing was not faked. This is a rare thing, when someone changes their mind. I had a lecturer in University last year who told us he used to believe this theory for years and years. Then a student wrote an essay that totally disproved it. The lecturer then shook the students hand and admitted his beliefs had been wrong. You can be as logical as you like, but until you're that open, you can't really call yourself truly rational. Thereby my friend redeemed himself and all was well.
If you have any evidence that the moon landing was faked then feel free to tell me about it. I'd be happy to look at it and I'm open to changing my mind, if the evidence is there.
From childhood's hour I have not been
As others were; I have not seen
As others saw; I could not bring
My passions from a common spring.
From the same source I have not taken
My sorrow; I could not awaken
My heart to joy at the same tone;
And all I loved, I loved alone.
Then - in my childhood, in the dawn
Of a most stormy life - was drawn
From every depth of good and ill
The mystery which binds me still:
From the torrent, or the fountain,
From the red cliff of the mountain,
From the sun that round me rolled
In its autumn tint of gold,
From the lightning in the sky
As it passed me flying by,
From the thunder and the storm,
And the cloud that took the form
(When the rest of Heaven was blue)
Of a demon in my view.
Aside from everything except what is aside for what this aside, there is some "good news" in one of my many areas of interest. My band is releasing a single next month (which will be available online on iTunes, Spotify, etc. as well as in physical form from local record shops in Leeds, although that will only interest those of you from Leeds and "those of you from Leeds" refers to an overwhelming minority but shut up, yeah!?) and I am excited.
Having been together for about a year or so, we have enjoyed relatively rapid success having played countless (not literally countless, I'm just not in a counting mood) shows with very big names and we've been given wonderous reception everywhere we've been. So earlier this year we got in the studio with our friend and former de facto manager Whiskas (if you've heard of ¡Forward, Russia! then you may know of him) and recorded two new tracks; a single and a b-side. He worked his magic and we teamed up with a local record label who were more than happy to get involved and help us put out a 7" single.
The main incentive was probably the large amount of people who asked us after the show if we had anything they could buy and our answer was always "No, sorry!" but now it will be "Yes, you fool! Yes we do!" which is nice.
We're doing a mini UK tour next month to support the release including a launch party show in Leeds and dates in Manchester, York, London, Glasgow, Sheffield and Newcastle so if you live nearby any of those places then pop along, yo'.
With regards to my other areas of interest; I'm about a quarter way through writing my first novella, I've nearly finished a series of drawings for a new exhibition I'm working on (I've about 4 left to complete), I've starting meeting a new bass player to start yet another band and that is looking promising, I've got back to writing my surreal and darkly comic poems and the Leeds International Film Festival starts next month for which I will be buying a mega pass to see as much as I can. I will write a blog about the film fest when I get a chance.
I think that's about all for now. Love and peace.
P.S. I truly can't be bothered to spell check this so go away.
The Ring... The Ring, yeah. Yeah, man, The Ring. Cool film. Yeah. Are you talking about the original or the remake? The original, I think. Was there a remake? Yeah man, there was a hit American remake with the chick from Mulholland Drive. From what? ... From King Kong. Oh! King Kong! Wait, the original King Kong or the remake? I'm not sure. She was in Funny Games, though. Ah right, so she's German? What? No! But Funny Games is German, right? Or Austrian or something. I thought it was American? No, that's the remake...
The Ring. The Grudge. Infernal Affairs. Dark Water. The Eye. Shall We Dance? Insomnia. Possession. My Sassy Girl. The Uninvited. Pulse. Taxi. Everybody's Fine. Vanilla Sky. Nightwatch. The Scent Of A Woman. Quarantine.
The amount of foreign films remade by Hollywood never ceases to astound. It also never ceases to grow, much to the dismay of ME. Particularly upon finding out that a remake of "Let The Right One In" is crawling closer to its release. "Let The Right One In" is an amazing movie. It's beautiful and gracious. It's clever and haunting. It's just f**king great. I love it. It was released 2 years ago and that's how long it took for American producers to decide it had faded off into the distance and needed remaking. The guy who made the original was not happy; he pointed out that you remake a film when there is something wrong with it. If the movie is bad or has some patches worth fixing or even if it's just out of date, then remakes can be justified. But this movie came out 2 years ago and was brilliant. So why the remake? Because audiences can't be bothered with all that horrible reading of subtitles that so drains their scarce mental energy? No. To make money. The orginal remains an indie cult hit. It did fairly well in its native Sweden but never reached huge commercial success. This upsets me. A lot of money is being spent remaking a film (which is so great that the remake will have to be f**king mind blowing to come close to it) just to make cash. Another example is "The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo". That movie was out here THIS YEAR. It's still showing at some cinemas near me but it's already started to be remade. WHY BOTHER? The Swedish film is fine. It's fresh. It's still warm, for Christ's sake.
BUT JACK! SUBTITLES CAN BE ANNOYING! IT ISN'T EASY FOR MASS MOVIE AUDIENCES TO BE READING ALL THAT TIME! IT'S A MOVIE! THEY DON'T WANNA READ!
Okay, that's fine. Why, then, remake a film that's already in English!? Anyone catch "Death at a Funeral" this year? I caught it 3 years ago when the original was released. Anyone catch The Wicker Man (one of the most unintentionally funny movies of all time) with Nic Cage? I caught the original when I was a wee boy and it scared the hell out of me. Fever Pitch? Nick Hornby himself helped out with that in '97. America even remakes its own movies for no reason! Halloween! The Texas Chainsaw Massacre! Dawn Of The Dead! Last House On The Left! Friday The 13th! Even the Hitchcock classic Psycho was remade scene for scene, making the whole remake pointless. It doesn't even end with movies. It's happening on TV too. The Office, Cold Feet, Coupling, Being Human, The IT Crowd, Life On Mars, Teachers, Spaced.
There was some good news, however. "Oldboy" by Park Chan-wook is one of my favourite films ever. It's beautiful and clever and scary and thrilling and startling. AND THAT'S JUST THE SOUNDTRACK! Hey now. Anyway, there have been plans to remake it for an age. That's all been scrapped now and fans of Park Chan-wook (such as myself) are partying everywhere with joyous relief. This partying has been short lived. Park Chan-wook's movie "Sympathy For Mr. Vengeance" (which is equally as astounding as "Oldboy") is going to be remade. I'd go off on one about this but somebody has done it for me here.
If you haven't seen Let The Right One In then go and see it. Then go and see Let Me In. And then ask yourself if the remake was substantially better than the original and if it wasn't so much better, what was the point of remaking it?
Hai guise. As some of you will of noticed (LIE ALERT, I don't doubt nobody noticed and if you did then aw, I love you) I've been relatively inactive on Sal's for a fair old while. So I'm making a comeback. In both post and blog formats. I'll probably do many more blogs. I don't know that anyone reads my blogs but I reckon they're cathartic and fun. And help me to realise how weird I can be. Anyway, I'll make my blogs more varied from now on. Mixing in HAPPY THINGS and COMMENTS ON CURRENT AFFAIRS and EXPERIENCES OF ART AND CULTURE as well as the good ol' MISANTHROPY AND HERESY that I love so much.
Anyway, welcome back me. I notice the few people I was good friends with are either not so active on here anymore or have disappeared completely. There's positions opening to be my new best friend. You can sleep at my house and we can watch movies and paint eachother's nails. I'll tell you which boys I fancy at school. LOLOL. It'll be a f**king hoot.
SO ANYWAY, ET CETERA. Hi everyone.
I woke up this morning and found horrible scrawls strewn across a piece of paper on my bedroom floor.
In the middle of the crude drawings and cryptic motifs of over-indulgent existential introspectivity was a clear message.
It read as thus;
For Your Enjoyment:
Don't you go telling yourself that what is shown is true reflection of anything's worth.
It might be. But it's probably not.
The more you deflect and antagonise the joke, the more you become a part of it.
The only reason anything matters (not everything does) is because nothing matters.
Don't you feel so much better now?
I know I do.
And upon reading this, I did feel better. And I feel a great joy inside of me. A healthy lusting that I regularly feel is missing.
The question of whether our time living is long or short, or both, is immediately answered fully and at the same time rendered totally irrelevant.
What a way to move forward. What a way to suddenly feel. What a way of living and loving and understanding everything while knowing nothing.
It's not the normal way, it's probably not the right way, but it's the best f**king way I could ever hope for.
You have your fits, I have my fits, but feeling is good.
I'm not going to make a difference. I don't have to or want to. I don't know that anybody deserves it. The only difference now is my indifference is founded and justified. Tragedy of the commons. Horrible people. Nice time. Ride. I've really come into my own. Now its sore from bending round between my legs. Yeah!
Well-balanced will never be where I am. I am at one with the yo-yo. I'm on a see-saw and there's a fat kid in the middle so I'm forced to the ends, one at a time.
Maybe I'm overly adaptive. Everything has gone horribly wrong but I won't be disappointed if I tell myself I never cared that much to begin with.
Everything is too serious, but when it's not then nothing works. There's a happy medium but it evades me with great success.
Even if everything goes wrong, I will still be okay. But maybe I'm only saying that because everything is going wrong.
Maybe I should be really upset. Maybe everything is going wrong because I try not to care when it starts to go wrong. Maybe I'm thinking too much.
I always tell people not to take life seriously. Maybe I am just like everyone else. Maybe it's okay.
The devil is in my blood, smaller than I can see.
As some of you may know (by which I mean to say "nobody knew this but I want to downplay the unpopularity of my life;") I write and produce music.
This music takes many forms but most recently it has been ambient electronic minimalism. If you're still reading after that admission then well done; I love you.
Anyway, I'll get to the point now before my poor punctuality culminates in the total breakdown of the relationship shared by the point and me.
I've made 10 songs and given myself the authority to put them together and call the deformed child an "album".
Because I luv muzik and am nt in it 4 da money (that is to say, if I asked for money, nobody would ever hear my music) I am distributing this album for free. Free.
So if you're interested I will send you a copy in whatever format you prefer (WAV, mp3, even physical CD if you live in the UK and are desperate).
Feel free to remember not to forget that my music is ambient and it is minimalist. I don't doubt people who'd like my music belong to a very exclusive minority.
That said, I can send you one song and if you dig it then I'll send you the whole damn thing. I'll even sign it and kiss it and send a photo of myself if you want.
I think I better stop now, this is already a lot longer than it should really be. Being concise is not what I like to practice doing in my spare time and that shows.
When I picked which University to study at, the choice was close enough to random, so it is a gooseberry in a field of loganberries that the city I picked just happened to be the land of kings.
This was undoubtedly affirmed by a wonderous experience yesterday. I had invited many friends down to stay over and paint the down beige.
However, we were not successful in getting a hold of some greenery beforehand, which was upsetting. Anyway, we went out on the thursday and just drank alcohol which meant we were all feeling rough yesterday. However, whilst buying apple juice (hangover destroyer) 2 young men asked us if we smoked weed and offered us a really wonderful deal which we accepted and spent all last night watching David Attenborough* shows and smoking our drugs.
Only in Leeds can such a wonderfully appropriate situation manifest itself so perfectly.
*Telling this story has reminded me that I recently declared David Attenborough my God. I suggest you all do the same.
As the dying rabbit said to the dancing Mormon; "I'm home".
I recently survived the duration of the infamous "exam period" and university and with that complete I have now returned home, destined never to return to the dreaded city of Leeds (until thursday).
What with this being the one thing I've been looking forward to since the end of the semester's crooked face was narrowly visible on the big grey horizon, I feel a srange sensation of "Optimism" and "Excitement". These feelings have not found a home in me for some time and their presence is so strange it's almost worrying.
However, the sun is out and I have enough money for copious amounts of drinks, drugs and smokes. I also have friends who have cars and free time.
This means the probability of actual road trips and considerable sessions is through the f**king roof. I've always hated that roof. F**k you, roof.
Anyway, what with these propects of activities that make you intrinsically gleeful and disturbingly nostalgic, I am relatively upbeat, which is not to say that I'm upbeat, but to say that in relation to my usual self, I'm more cheerful than my grandma on christmas day after incalculable glasses of sparkling wine (and take it from me, that's plently f**king cheerful).
So you can take this is a warning, if you will. Do not be taken aback if I come at you with arms spread and an unfitting smile torn across my face. Just give me a big kiss and tell yourself not to think about how awful it is living on the fringes of emotions and moods, only ever driving past the sign post in the middle and never stopping to have a picnic there in Ol' "reasonable and well balanced" Lake.
Don't worry though, I still hate everything and everyone. I just do it with a smile on my face now. Regardless, I feel this summer is a calling for many wonderous endeavours to find their origins and grow like weird, deformed sunflowers that have grown too close to a power plant and, due to realistically unrealistic but fictionally functional radiation, have grown faces that resemble famous murderers.
Suffice to say that I am motivated to make things happen in all sorts of weird and wonderful ways. Because it's so much harder to really try and start things, but when you do and you realise how easy it can be, you get plunged into a new world of surreal relationships and opportunities for extremely wonderful times.
I'm just dying to live.
There was once a wise old spider and all the confused young gharials would come to him and ask "Oh wise old spidery spider, I ever so confused, I have so many problems, please help me and give me some of your wisdom, you decrepit little turd."
The spider would briefly ponder in his tiny wheelchair before professing "You need not worry! Just be yourself and do not worry what other people think of you! Live today as if it were your last!" to which the gharial would reply "THANK YOU!" and swim off to make a sandwich or whatever they do these days.
Anyway, the moral of the story is that the spider is a complete moron who gives lame advice.
Firstly, there is no way you can't be yourself. In fact, it's the only thing you can't not do. If there's anything intrinsic to your being then it's that you are yourself (actually, I think the cogito is bogus but I'm ranting here so shut up). You can't be anyone else. Sure, you can pretend to like things you don't actually like but that doesn't mean you're now Edward P. Kasawari and you're no longer Hilary St. Motorvehicleexplosion.
Secondly, if you don't consider what other people will think of you then you won't get anywhere in this world because humans are evidenly social beings. There are many of us and we are in constant contact. Thinking about what other people will think of you isn't just acceptable, it's functional, baby. Fucntional like a vacuum cleaner.
Finally, if you live every day like it's your last then you'll never get anything done, you won't be able to save any money, you can't do anything that involves more than 23 hours and 59 minutes of planning, preparation or forethought and you'll probably end up in some kind of prison. I don't know anyone who genuinely lives every day as if it were their last and if I ever do meet someone who does, I'll dropkick them into a swimming pool full of dropkicks.
Eat 5 steaks a day, treat your wife as an object and always treat old ladies as bomb threats.
These words are more appropriate for anyone finding their way in life.
Thank me with money.