"but you said you were leaving!!!"
I might as well get the big thing out of the way first, in the time since I left I have done a lot of thinking about myself. After many sleepless nights and emotional roller-coasters I've come to terms with the fact that I'm transgender. I'm really glad that I have a therapist helping me out, because if I didn't I might be dead right now, there were days where suicide felt like a pretty great option.
Thinking about me being a girl made me laugh a bit at first, but then I realized how much more comfortable I am when I'm treated like a girl. I've started changing my appearance a bit, haven't gotten too far with it because I'm still living at home and will for the next 2 or 3 years. I'm going to get a nice haircut soon and have been wearing a light amount of makeup. I'm not changing my name because it's perfectly fine for a girl, just changing the spelling from Jordan to Jordyn.
It may be a while yet before I can start HRT as I would need to leave home and have a good job to pay for it, but that's okay. I'll eventually get to where I want to be.
In other news, I was briefly on an independent music label, but I was kicked off because the label owner doesn't like "retarded liberal social justice warriors." TIL being transgender automatically makes me a SJW!
I am learning Japanese, I've been studying for a few months. I'm a bit stuck on grammar, but my vocabulary study is going well. Hopefully by this time next year I can have a intelligent discussion with a Japanese friend.
I can't think of anything else, the weather's been nasty and I guess I'm okay.
i have no idea why i didnt find her first
shes probably the best so far, very nice, knows how to be serious and funny, and is wanting to treat me the way i need to be treated and not just treat me like every other client
i havent done an actual life update in a while
1) depression is at an all-time low, still anxious as fudge about everything tho
2) my parents told me that if i lose weight and stop being fat they will pay me, so ive been losing weight. when i finally reach my goal weight ill be given $2K
3) my weight loss method is the ketogenic diet, it sucked for the first few days but then it started losing weight and it was all good
4) my sleep habits still suck and there seems to be nothing i can do about it, i was prescribed klonopin but i got addicted to it really badly so i was taken off that, was given trazodone and that did jack shizzle, my pyschiatrist doesnt really want to keep trying pills so i just have to find some other way to sleep like a normal human
5) in the best couple months ive been to 6 different therapists, a lot of them seem to stop caring about what i have to say as soon as i tell them im gay, one of them even said to me "well lets work on fixing that" when i told them. woohoo bible belt. the one therapist i visited that was cool with me being gay was gay himself and he got creepy really fast.
6) im starting to get way better at bass and have been practicing playing jazz, my dad keeps telling me how bad i am and its getting really annoying.
in non-reallife news, ive been playing lots of path of exile and would love some ppl to play with.
i dont feel like writing it again so i c/p from skype
[1:24:26 PM] Jordan M.: well
[1:24:27 PM] Jordan M.: f--k me
[1:24:37 PM] Jordan M.: went to the record store and asked about jobs
[1:24:50 PM] Jordan M.: owner asked how old i was can handed me an application
[1:24:56 PM] Jordan M.: for a non-paying internship
[1:25:07 PM] Jordan M.: apparently they only give paying jobs to ppl 21+
but i try
i try and try and try, go months without shaving hoping to make some kind of progress, and it just doesnt happen
tonight i shaved, it hurt, the razor was dull and it just ripped the hairs out of my face
i had to shave tho, trying to get a job tomorrow
holy cheesus dota 2 is fun
it is better than league in every way possible, the only bad thing about it is all the russians.
add me on steam and we can dota together
tonight i had gone out and when i came back i was logged off on my skype and steam account, so i log back in and see that "i" had sent messages to my friends saying i would going to kill myself
not a lot of people really know that im depressed, so if it was just some random guy logging into my account for shizzles and giggles, they wouldnt really know that telling my friends im killing myself would be effective
i think it may be an old long-distance boyfriend of mine, last year we talked a lot and we would skype all the time and we would have "dates", but i cut off the relationship after he started getting really really obsessed with me
i finally got around to actually settling into a style of music i like and finally made an ep and released it on bandcamp
hopefully ill get better and maybe make a little bit of money once i get an actual album made, which probably wont happen for a few months
my zoloft dosage gets increased pretty much every time i go to my psychiatrist, still dont feel any different
ive realized recently that im in love with my best friend but hes straight so it wont ever work out but i cant make myself not love him so now i dont talk to him much anymore because i dont want to hurt him or myself and now its hurting me because i want to be able to just talk to him and play games but now i can only think about how i shouldnt love him and its bad and i dont like it
love is a really dumb emotion and i kinda wish i didnt have to feel it
in other news i got borderlands 2 to play with some friends and its lots of fun i like playing psycho because going on a crazy rampage with an axe saw thing is fun
if you want to play borderlands or borderlands 2 with me pm me and we can add eachother on steam so we can play
im sry that this is going to be really hard to read im too tired for grammaring
A few days ago, I got drunk and tried to kill myself, I obviously failed, and I suffered only very minor injuries. My very slow, easily distracted drunk mind ended up saving me.
I am supposed to be going to see a therapist(this was planned before I tired to kill myself), but, my parents seem like they are going to cancel because they are afraid of what I'll tell the therapist about life at home. My parents don't want anyone outside of the house knowing how much they fight. They fight constantly, my mom is always screaming at my dad, my dad is always screaming at my mom, sometimes they get so loud that they wake me up
(I'm a very, very deep sleeper), it is horrible.
My dad is always yelling at me for one reason or another, nothing I do is ever good enough for him. My mom doesn't talk to anyone anymore, she just doesn't care about anyone. I've tried to talk to her and she ignores me every time.
I spend more time trying to pretend that everything will be okay then I do on anything else. I just want someone to help me. I want someone to pull me out of this and just hug me and tell me that they love me and everything will be okay. I know it wont happen, but I want it to so badly.
Why do I keep trying?
If you are unfamiliar with noise, go to youtube and search for the following: Merzbow, Ryoji Ikeda, and Whitehouse.
I really like Ryoji Ikeda, I think Dataplex is his best album.
I didn't make a thread because it would have just been ignored, if I make a blog post it has a higher chance of it getting noticed.
So as most of you know I got a new computer(still being built), these are the(important) specs:
16GB DDR3-1866 RAM
NVIDIA GTX 760 2GB
I got it from ibuypower, so the reason for the 16gb of ram is that they doubled it, because black friday.
This is about x32000 better than my current computer, and I will finally be able to play Skyrim without tons of lag!
The total cost of this was ~$1,175. I still feel like I payed too much, but I payed less than I would have if I had bought it before black friday/cyber monday(or after).
I've kinda hit a wall with my music, I don't get better anymore. I'm thinking about giving up on it and start learning something that I could actually have a future in.
I actually could do programming, as I already know Java and Python, but it isn't fun at all.
What should I do?
I couldn't think of an interesting title.
I guess it's time for a life update, though nothing interesting has happened, really...
I went on vacation, it was annoying, I survived anyway. I ended up with a room to myself, so I was able to just lock myself in and do... stuff... all day.
I got home and a fight broke out within 15 minutes of walking in the door, everyone was screaming and yelling at each other, my dad ended up threatening to beat the shizzle out of everyone and it stopped.
I've just been staying up late every night, sleep maybe 3 hours, and then wake up and go back to doing nothing. I'm pretty much just drinking and waiting to die.
I think I'm going to just give up on the family. I'll only think about myself, only care about myself, only do things for myself. I tried really hard to keep caring about them, but, I just can't do it anymore.
If anyone wants to talk to me, the pm system on Sal's is ok, but, I'm fine with giving my skype to anyone who asks.
Time for another life update.
I've been under a lot of stress lately. Soon, I will be going on a family vacation. I will be stuck in a small condominium with the family for 10 days.
It's bad enough that it's the family I have to live with, but my older sister will be joining us, and she is a problem. She doesn't really like me. Every time she comes home, she ends up ruining what little is left of my relationship with my mother.
This isn't the only thing I'm stressed out about. I've been getting pretty sick lately, and every day is getting worse. I'm trying to get to a doctor but my dad says that all I need to do is take a couple of ibuprofen and I'll be fine. Today has been really bad, it hurts to breathe, I've had a blinding headache for a few days, it hurts to move. I don't feel like eating or drinking anything, I just sleep a lot.
In other news, I haven't cut myself(on purpose) for a couple of weeks, so I can say I accomplished at least one thing.