Hello members of my "very private" club. This is an entry only for you few people, because this is very personal. :( I kind of expect you people not to judge me on this. And you're the people I'd trust giving this information to, and who I wouldn't fear the reaction of. :(
Ok, so first off.. My whole life I've actually had only one main dream. Like one thing that I really, really want. Now I'm sure that you're all with the term 'furry'. Most furries like to cosplay, draw art about anthros, etc. But there are a few who dream of actually being an anthro. I'm one of those people. It's a dream I've always had and always have fantasized about. Why, I don't know. It's just so... perfect.
So, put bluntly, I want to be a tiger. Badly.
Tonight I had a dream. I'll try to explain it briefly. As with most dreams I have, which is on rare occasions, I think of them as real until I wake up. In this dream, I found a way to actually transform into a tiger. It was far from ideal, and it looked more like a fursuit than an actual tiger. But still, I had fulfilled my dream at last.
Then I was in school, and being slightly observed by my friends, they had no problems with it, at all. Like, they were envious rather. Pulling my tail, etc.
And finally, I learned to control the transformation properly, which is sort of part of that dream.
So yes, while it might not sound exciting to you, or it might, it was to me. Past exciting, actually. Not only to actually be able to transform, but also to feel accepted afterwards.
But then I woke up. As always when I dream, I had to kind of realize it was fake. But what this dream had caused me to feel was desire. The weird thing about this dream was that I had actually experienced it, or it felt so. And no matter how brief it was, it's awful having had an idea, a taste of what it would be like. If you have an unfilled dream like mine, imagine having it fulfilled in the same way. Then it being taken away again, and you're left with a sad realization that it will simply never become a reality. It's an idea that I'd learned to get used to. I focus on other things; music, game developing, science, philosophy, etc.
But then again, those goals always lead back to the bigger dream. I write music inspired by furry themes, I develop games with a furry story line, when I'm studying science I sometimes find myself thinking how I could use that to pursue my dream. And when I think about this actual world, about how stuff works, what's real and what's not, how much we actually know, I can't help but try to find reasons not to believe in science. To disprove the idea that I cannot ever fulfill that dream.
It's not an obsession. Of course, I still write music just because I like to. I still make games because I love programming. I still study science because I think it's really, really interesting. But in most things I can find relations to that one dream.
And one day, who knows.
It's a strange idea, I know. I blame it on growing up in such a horrible world. It's the surrealism that really attracts me to the idea. Y'know, living in a world with better people. But also of course the animal aspects. I'm not a furry for no reason. ^_^