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When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

I still have that Coldplay song stuck in my head from a New Year's party I went to tonight. (Yeah, it was a week late. Stranger things have happened!) It was at a church 30 minutes away, so I originally wasn't going to go, but Heather invited me, one of the girls whom I went with to Mexico, the Bowery homeless shelter in NYC, and Kenya. I haven't seen her much lately, so this was a good excuse to catch up with her. It was a pretty good party - there was a quasi-professional screamo band there, as well as an INCREDIBLE high school band. I had to check to make sure the lead singer wasn't lip syncing to a recording, she was so good. We were urged to come back by some of the extremely friendly people there (it was a youth group party), but it's too far away. I'm not driving for an hour every Friday night when I'm strapped for time as it is. Once again, a door opens halfway, a friendly hand waves "hello" from behind it, and then it slowly swings shut.

Things are changing around here. Whenever I get home from school (usually "fresh" from an exhausting workout), the house is besieged by carpenters, plumbers, painters, roofers, nurses, or (once) an orthopedist whose son runs with my little brother on the varsity track team. There's a new addition being built onto our house for my grandmother, and my mom is working full time to call in all sorts of specialists to take care of her own fairly wealthy mother, who's paying for everything. It's like living in a beehive. Yesterday I couldn't take a shower when I needed to because the bathroom door was being repainted. My home doesn't seem like home anymore. School does. Which is too bad, since I'll be leaving there a few months before I leave my real home for good.

I wrote Gaia a letter telling her that I was no longer interested in her romantically (convincingly, I think, although I was a bit long-winded tbh), but that I still greatly respected her and hoped the lack of awkwardness this new status quo forged would make at least a good friendship possible. I meant every word. It may not always be true that "absence make the heart go wander," but when conscience, reason and despair join forces, that tends to be the case. I no longer have that all-consuming crush on her, which is a relief for both of us, I think. Still, things remain awkward. I still have the compulsion to impress her in everything I do and say, which I ignore, and this makes me nervous. Thus, I'm inevitably dull and standoffish when talking to her. No longer liking her hasn't changed the fact that I still care deeply about what she thinks of me, and so I'm always stressed when I see her. It's a mess, and a bitter one, at least for me. I hope she doesn't find it as distressing. Probably not.

I crashed my car last Wednesday. I was driving along the main road of my town when I realized that a biker was going the same speed as I was, right next to me. There isn't a proper bike lane there, so I looked over to make sure I wasn't going to hit him, and was distracted for maybe 3/4 of a second by the fact that he resembles a friend of mine. I turned back to the windshield just in time to watch my Mercury slamming into the back of a tremendous truck. My head hit the roof, but I'd only been going fifteen miles per hour and I was wearing my seat belt, so thankfully I didn't have any injuries. The car, however, was totaled (even though the massive truck was completely undamaged). My parents were just glad that I was okay, and thankfully I didn't lose my license, but the car is obviously gone for good, and my insurance bill will triple until I turn about 25. It could have been worse, but it could have been an awful lot better, too. Counting my antique Volvo that died on the way back from Dartmouth (because of the plant growing in the exhaust pipe), that's two cars I've seen die in only two months. The Car Thestrals are visible to me now!

Better news: I got into college! :aware: Gordon accepted me to its honors program - if I go there, I'll be an A.J. Gordon Scholar! Messiah accepted me, too, but since I won't go there unless I'm one of the six students to receive a full scholarship, and I haven't heard ANYTHING from them about their honors program since applying, I'm not as excited about this news. I applied to Colby and Dartmouth the night before my crash, but I won't hear back from Colby until April 1, and not from Dartmouth until April 10. I'll probably go to Dartmouth if I get in, and I probably won't go to Colby whether I get in or not - which is too bad, really, because I have about a 60% shot at Colby and a 10% shot, if that, at Dartmouth. At least I know I'll be happy wherever I go by this point.

My social life is fine. I've been in a melancholy mood for months, but this usually goes away when I'm spending time with friends. I have some definite "intermediate friends" now, people I can call comfortably whenever I need to to talk, and people who call me when they want to talk, as well. Apparently I'm one of the finalists for "Most Outgoing" in the school yearbook, which is very strange considering my introversion. (I nominated myself for Class Clown and Most Likely to Be Sleeping in Class, and I'll probably win the latter title but lose the former. :P) But then, I have few reservations to talking with anyone in school; study hall in particular has been wonderful this year. It's completely stacked. :D We call each other Hitler and discuss absurd philosophical questions in great depth, such as whether if one stares into the void long enough, the void will blink and look away.

I rarely do work in class anymore; all of my work ethic I tend to save for the evening. I've probably been infected by the "genius clique" in the senior class, which is unusually large: most of the people in it are known for being absurdly negative and vulnerable to procrastination and cheating. Occasionally I help. One night, our AP Literature class was assigned a set of 60ish comprehensive questions to answer (with two days to accomplish this horrible deed in). Everyone was enraged, as the majority of us are in AP Government and Politics and had a massive outline to write on Congress by the same day. I stayed up all of the first night answering the question, then posted them on Facebook for everyone to copy and reword. Lots of people didn't bother rewording them much, and the teacher noticed. She asked us if we worked together to answer the questions, we said that we did, and she said, "kai, well, they were really good, so I'm going to make the homework a quiz grade." So we all got As or A+s. I got the A, not the A+, because the teacher noticed that some of my answers were exactly the same as a girl across the room. I checked with her: she got full credit. :P

I rewrote my Common App essay, which was originally about Sal's. Sorry, guys. :P An journal I wrote on a quote by Socrates ("Enjoy yourself; it's later than you think") received a grade higher than any teacher is actually supposed to give, and the teacher told me to send it to Dartmouth. So I did. :D My father, a Harvard grad who was told by his freshman English professor that he could probably teach the class, says that the first part of the essay could have been written by a great eighteenth-century author - and that's not even favoritism, because he said my National Merit Scholarship essay was "terrible" (which it wasn't). So obviously, if I'm going to send anything in, this should be it. I really do like the piece a lot; I may post it up here after I hear back from Dartmouth and Colby.

I've been in decline on Sal's. I'm constantly tired, mainly because I only sleep five to six hours per night, and any time I spend on Sal's is time I could probably spend in bed. I really hope that this will change soon. It may in two weeks, when I finish my midterm exams and no longer have to worry about colleges seeing any of my grades. After that, my priority is to do whatever is best for myself in school, and not worry about assignments that don't matter in the grand scheme of things. Hopefully I'll have a rebound from my drained state, too - I'm worn out from years of unrequited liking, then loving, then liking again. Requited awkwardness is not much of an improvement. I can be happy throughout the day, but when I get home and sit down to work at the computer, I'm invariably lonely. It's a typical, common feeling, I know. And I'm grateful for what I have, even if I don't often say so in this blog. But that doesn't change my earnest wish that just once, I could get over myself on the inside and find somebody to love. I forgot part of what love means in sophomore year, and I've never remembered. Sometimes I wonder if I love anybody at all. It's damaging my relationship with God. I can't rest in Him like I love to. I can't rest, period. Maybe that's why I barely ever sleep anymore.

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Awh I woke up too late for the 1k comment and I read it all. :(

V. interesting and ty for finally listening to it.

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I love you Emanick don't be lonely! The car thestrals can keep you company. :hug:

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"982 Comments" What? :P

Darn it, I just read all of that. :box: "Just skim it Desireful, just skim it." :cute:


Your life is intense.

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