So hi everyone. I have a second to post here again. (And by that, I mean "I waste 5 hours a day procrastinating and then complain that I have no time to do anything, including procrastinate through posting here," but hey, wording is everything.)
First semester is over. I feel dead on my feet, because a) I never get any sleep, b) I rarely hang out with school friends anymore, and c) I procrastinate so much. But the work I do do from time to time seems to be paying off. I'm now in the top ten percent of my class, accepted to the honors program of Gordon, and I made the high honor roll (all As) for the first time since fifth grade. I have an A in AP Government and Politics and Honors Physics, plus an A- in AP Literature and Composition, AP Statistics, Honors Pre-Calculus and Photography I, which is pretty nice by my standards. I'm really tired of the grade treadmill, but since I've been thinking about it so much recently, it seems honest to talk about that first, before anything else.
Aside from a wonderful weekend up at Camp Berea with my youth group last weekend, things have been pretty grim of late. On some days, every word that comes out of my mouth feels negative and cynical. My grandmother is slowly but surely weaving her way towards death, although at least now she gets to die at home, rather than in an institution. My future has been bothering me, especially because I'm still having difficulty with friendships. The people I fit in with the most are those who I have difficulty communicating with, paradoxically, and those I connect with most easily (the guys in my physics class who make up the majority of the basketball team) are also the ones I have the least in common with, and the least potential for deep friendships. To further complicate matters, I have a recurring and increasingly plausible theory that a rumor is circulating that I'm gay, and I don't really know how to rebut it, either. Stuff's a puzzle. I don't enjoy being unusual. I don't enjoy talking about myself all the time, either, but I guess that's what a blog is for.
Basically the feeling that I have no idea what's going on, anywhere, is gaining strength. Things feel meaningless because the people I've grown up with will all leave town in a few months, along with me, and if there's one thing I hate, it's goodbyes. I'm sure this bothers everyone, but I've only talked about it with Dean, and he may be one of the guys who thinks I'm gay, which has been putting me off-balance, because he's also slightly awkward and it makes conversations difficult when he may or may not think I have a crush on him. I worry about this too much. But nothing seems very important right now.
I'm not sure I can handle being in control of my life yet. I can basically take care of myself, in every sense but the financial one, but I hate the idea of running my own life and making my own decisions on how to fundamentally think. I make the wrong choices. Most people seem to. I can only deal with things within parameters. We can only control a limited amount of aspects of our lives, and the overwhelming weirdness of having the world before me scares me. I need somebody to talk to again. This isn't working out. I can't keep closing myself off within a realm of work-and-procrastination and not having any deep relationships with anyone.
I'm not sure what's better: heartbreak or apathy.
This entry shouldn't have been public. I didn't proofread it or anything. It's not remotely entertaining, and it perpetuates my tradition of writing blog entries mainly when I'm in a bad mood, which isn't a good thing. But it's therapeutic, I guess. And hopefully nobody will judge me too harshly for essentially ranting about nothing.