Hey, I want to ask everyone who reads this a question: When did you stop feeling as if you had a home that was unequivocally safe?
I leave for college in eighteen days. I have no "normal" days left. I no longer trust anyone's opinion as being totally reliable. I've discovered "flaws" in everyone that I know offline, and while I haven't burned any bridges, I no longer feel that I "belong" to anyone on an emotional level. Everyone keeps telling me to be an individual - well, I suppose I am, because I no longer trust anyone completely. This isn't because of a traumatic event or anything unfortunate or pitiable, it's just the result of a long process of realization.
This is the way my father's brain works, and the main reason why I never want to turn into him. Trust issues are the worst. I have to learn to let people in - even though I "click" with very few people, despite the fact that I'm pretty good at making casual friends (who are usually little more than acquaintances). The problem is that everything is changing and I'm not going to be able to just sit down and cement old friendships anytime soon, given my ridiculous schedule over the next two and a half weeks. Although I'm looking forward to college more than I have to anything in an extremely long time, I'm going to have to pick and choose who I want to stay in touch with and who I want to let out of my life, and that drives me crazy. I don't love many people, and the people whom I click with aren't usually the people I love.
I don't trust my father because his perspective on life is very flawed, and all the intelligence in the world is useless if it's not being focused correctly. I don't trust my mother because she can't do things properly - this may be an overstatement, but in the context of my needing someone to rely on, it's true. I don't trust my brother because he doesn't respect me enough to trust me, and one-way-trust is rarely of use to anyone. And since I trust them more than I trust most of my friends, and the few whom I can trust more certainly aren't coming along with me to college, I'm not really sure who to rely on. The obvious answer is myself, but I don't trust myself to do too many things, and in the past, an excess of self-trust has not produced good results. Faith in God is my ultimate goal, then, but I'm not very faithful. I'm not even sure how to rely on God; although I have no logical reason not to do so, it's hard to actually, on the level of my will, put my trust in Him. I'm a very poor Christian, whatever appearances may be, but then, this is supposed to be one of the most difficult parts of faith. Nothing that is ever really important is easy.
Also, I plan to quit Sal's for college. I won't have time otherwise. I need to be able to seize the day, and I can't do that with moderation duties or a redundant debate over Pascal's Wager on the tab between my PolySci notes and Facebook. Both can be addictive. I'm really unhappy about quitting, but I've thought about it for a long time and I know it's the right thing to do. That said, Sal's has been the only source of continuity for me over the past five years (by which I mean that no other continuity has lasted that long), and it's going to be tough to let this, too, go.
Not sure if this sounds whiny or not. It's meant to be very bluntly honest. Since I expect I have my head on backwards in some way or another, feel free to point out how. I wish SlashingUK was still around, he was great at that.