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Emanick

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Hey, I want to ask everyone who reads this a question: When did you stop feeling as if you had a home that was unequivocally safe?

 

I leave for college in eighteen days. I have no "normal" days left. I no longer trust anyone's opinion as being totally reliable. I've discovered "flaws" in everyone that I know offline, and while I haven't burned any bridges, I no longer feel that I "belong" to anyone on an emotional level. Everyone keeps telling me to be an individual - well, I suppose I am, because I no longer trust anyone completely. This isn't because of a traumatic event or anything unfortunate or pitiable, it's just the result of a long process of realization.

 

This is the way my father's brain works, and the main reason why I never want to turn into him. Trust issues are the worst. I have to learn to let people in - even though I "click" with very few people, despite the fact that I'm pretty good at making casual friends (who are usually little more than acquaintances). The problem is that everything is changing and I'm not going to be able to just sit down and cement old friendships anytime soon, given my ridiculous schedule over the next two and a half weeks. Although I'm looking forward to college more than I have to anything in an extremely long time, I'm going to have to pick and choose who I want to stay in touch with and who I want to let out of my life, and that drives me crazy. I don't love many people, and the people whom I click with aren't usually the people I love.

 

I don't trust my father because his perspective on life is very flawed, and all the intelligence in the world is useless if it's not being focused correctly. I don't trust my mother because she can't do things properly - this may be an overstatement, but in the context of my needing someone to rely on, it's true. I don't trust my brother because he doesn't respect me enough to trust me, and one-way-trust is rarely of use to anyone. And since I trust them more than I trust most of my friends, and the few whom I can trust more certainly aren't coming along with me to college, I'm not really sure who to rely on. The obvious answer is myself, but I don't trust myself to do too many things, and in the past, an excess of self-trust has not produced good results. Faith in God is my ultimate goal, then, but I'm not very faithful. I'm not even sure how to rely on God; although I have no logical reason not to do so, it's hard to actually, on the level of my will, put my trust in Him. I'm a very poor Christian, whatever appearances may be, but then, this is supposed to be one of the most difficult parts of faith. Nothing that is ever really important is easy.

 

Also, I plan to quit Sal's for college. I won't have time otherwise. I need to be able to seize the day, and I can't do that with moderation duties or a redundant debate over Pascal's Wager on the tab between my PolySci notes and Facebook. Both can be addictive. I'm really unhappy about quitting, but I've thought about it for a long time and I know it's the right thing to do. That said, Sal's has been the only source of continuity for me over the past five years (by which I mean that no other continuity has lasted that long), and it's going to be tough to let this, too, go.

 

Not sure if this sounds whiny or not. It's meant to be very bluntly honest. Since I expect I have my head on backwards in some way or another, feel free to point out how. I wish SlashingUK was still around, he was great at that.

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I think you are thinking too much. If there are people who's company you enjoy then stay in touch with them, how often are you really going to need to trust them unequivocally? As for family, no matter your feelings they are your family, put your trust in them, they might surprise you despite all appearances.

 

As for Sal's never say never. You might not be able to keep up with the demands of moderating but there's nothing to say that during a quiet moment you can't pop in to say hi, or join in a debate. Why not stay just to blog, for nobody but yourself. You enjoy writing detailed blogs and in 10, 15, 20 years time you'll enjoy reliving your experiences again.

 

I guess right now you've got a big life changing event coming up and you are philosophising a bit too much, but I guess thats normal. Just remember that you are still you, your family are still your family and your friends are still just that, friends. Make new ones, you'll probably make friends at college who you'll stick with for the rest of your life, but remember where you came from. Like you said, don't burn any bridges.

 

I wish you all the luck in the world, and I hope its an easy transition. :)

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I don't trust anyone irl with things I find personally important. I'd rather it stay that way, than trust someone and get betrayed.

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Faith in God is my ultimate goal, then, but I'm not very faithful. I'm not even sure how to rely on God; although I have no logical reason not to do so, it's hard to actually, on the level of my will, put my trust in Him. I'm a very poor Christian, whatever appearances may be, but then, this is supposed to be one of the most difficult parts of faith. Nothing that is ever really important is easy.

 

We are all poor Christians Emanick. Every single one of us. I myself am a flawed person and a personal relationship with him is one of the things that have I failed in achieving. I know how it feels to fail one's duties, despite it being illogical to do so. It hurts. It makes one think of oneself poorly. But we must keep on trying. Your faith is stronger than you think it is man.

 

This may sound like preaching (I pray you forgive me) but I agree, you shouldn't be like your father if that is his outlook on life. And you rightly pointed out why. Because his outlook is flawed and is contrary to what we as Christians are supposed to believe in. God made us in his image but what does that mean. It means everyday we are expected to emulate a relationship. A relationship of love between three people and not a simply unitarian formula of self. And likewise, we must sow our love for people prodigally like the Parable of the Sower shows us to.

 

Making early judgement and allowing that side of our nature leads to us being cynical and unloving characters. We are too concerned with pulling out weeds from our field that in the end, we harm the wheat in the process. It is hard to ask that of people, that I give. To spread our love and trust like the Sower is a tough task. But what is the alternative? The world is nihilistic and cynical as it is. We must be better than that.

 

I'm sorry for the preaching. I really am. But you view things from a philosophical perspective and I thought some old fashion Christian theology is something you would appreciate.

 

I wish you the best in your future man. I really hope you can stay around. Your a good person and I'm proud to call you my friend. Life does not need to change as much as you expect it too because of collage. It doesn't have to be that way. And remember that we're always here if you need someone to talk to.

 

God love you man.

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I sort of feel the same, although I haven't thought into it that far because i'm trying not to worry about it, instead occupying myself with things that are mindless (runescape :P) but yeah. It's a bit longer for me as my results aren't until August and I don't go to Uni til mid September, but I can understand the thought process behind nearly everything you said there because I feel the same. Just, without the part about the father.

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SlashingUK is still around.

 

More helpfully....

 

Trust isn't a binary variable. To mis-paraphrase, you can't trust all of the people all of the time. There are shades of trust and shades of trustworthiness. If you trust anyone completely, and hence blindly, you're being a fool to human nature. If you deny trust, you won't find you can get by in society.

 

When did I stop feeling I had a home that was unequivocally safe? Probably the first time I realized my parents weren't perfect, which would have been before I was 10. But nothing's unequivocally safe, nothing.

 

Regarding your decision of who to "pick" as your friends to keep in touch with... it just doesn't work that way. It takes two to make a friendship, all the more so a long distance one. To plan, (or worry or even agonize), over which friendships to keep and which to let go won't change the outcome. And, as time and opportunity are squeezed, Sal's will still be here, and like me you can lurk and visit from time to time, rather than dropping out completely.

 

Good luck with your life and all the changes in the near future. Introspect if you must, but look forward, not backward; the best is yet to come.

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We'll miss you when you do quit, but hopefully you'll still drop in from time to time :hug:

 

And to respond to earlier paragraphs, as you said you don't need to burn any bridges. Just say goodbye to everyone, and if they try and keep in touch with you do likewise. I'm sure it'll be similar with everyone else at your college needing to make new friends, so you'll make friends quickly :)

 

Most of all, have a great time, and I hope we'll see you again in the near future. You're one of the people on this forum I look up to most, so I'm not just saying this :P

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If you don't trust people, it's more along the lines of who do you want to still be able to be around when you visit home? Those are the people you should keep in touch with. Trust is a very difficult thing, I find a lot of people tend to trust me, but there's maybe a grand total of 6 people I trust, and only one of them is related to me, which would be my sister, even though are views on just about every topic go against each other. Also college is not as difficult as people make it sound, you will have free time, especially if it's like when I went away, the weekends were completely dead, I was one of maybe a top 300 people who stayed on the weekends which was about 10% of the school.

 

As far as God goes, I am not Christian, I am deist, but I believe that everything happens for a reason, and while I do not always know the reason, I accept it, and feel that it is meant to be, although it also conflicts with my personality where I want to protect people I care about.

 

Honestly once you go away see if they have a yoga class, and take up meditation. It was advice I got a while ago, I don't remember where from, but spend at least 3 hours each week meditating, try to view yourself from an outsiders perspective, what have you done to help people, and what can you do to help people.

 

You know the alternate methods of getting in contact with me if you ever want to talk.

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Thanks, Tabt. :) You're right, I do think and philosophize too much sometimes, and this is definitely one of those times - I wrote this entry after a late-night viewing of The Graduate, so my thought pattern was hardly the most down-to-earth at the time. :P I haven't given up on my family entirely, nor Sals, and I don't plan to. Several times I've told members who are quitting Sals that there's very little point in quitting a major, positive chapter of one's life utterly and totally, and it's not bad advice - I intend to pop back in here from time to time; doing so seems entirely healthy.

 

Kemo, thanks. Sometimes that's really the only option.

 

Lilshu, I didn't mean that I didn't trust my parents at all, more that I had finally realized that my sense of unequivocal trust in them was gone. I still, of course trust them to do certain things. But you're right, I do have some trust issues. I've gone to several therapists in the past, though, and that was rarely helpful - the main value it had for me was providing someone to talk at for an hour, which I enjoyed :P - I'd much rather talk to friends whom I trust enough. Thank you for being blunt - sometimes that's simply the best way to communicate.

 

Phoenix, thank you very much and never apologize for preaching to me. :P I often tend to think either in dry rhetoric or paralyzing emotion, and good-hearted preaching is something that I generally find as an improvement. You're right - early judgment is something earnestly to be avoided, and I can't put much focus on "pulling up weeds" - it destroys the good together with the evil.

 

Thanks, Goggie! :) It's good to hear that someone else feels nearly the same way. (I mean, I feel bad that you're worrying, obviously. But you know what I mean.)

 

Hi, Slashing! Good to see you again! You're absolutely right - truth is not, of course, a binary variable. That much seems obvious, like many truths, but I'd never really thought about that before until recently. It's difficult to suddenly wake up in the morning and realize that nobody in life can be entirely relied upon, especially when one is still under the roof of one's parents. I think I always knew this... but one day it just hit me in the face on every level of consciousness. And that wasn't fun.

 

I'm afraid that maintaining a friendship (rather than an acquaintance) will take enough effort on my part that I really am having to "pick and choose" who to remain in touch with - I have about two dozen people whom I'd like to speak with relatively frequently while at college, but that won't happen. And if I don't remain in touch with them, we won't remain friends. Frankly, I'm not in many inner circles, and those "medium circles" are tentative. They tend to crumble without careful attention. I've only recently come into my own, socially speaking, and it's going to be difficult to watch those bonds of mutual loyalty slowly soften.

 

Still, you're right. Wallowing is meaningless, though introspection is part of an English major, so I certainly expect to be doing a lot of that regardless. :P With the right attitude, the best is always yet to come.

 

Thanks, Scrum. From the look of my college's orientation chatroom, there are indeed a lot of people feeling the same way I do, so I'm sure you're absolutely correct. :) I'll definitely see you around in the future!

 

Slei, you put things so well and so usefully. I'm not even a regular reader of your blog, but I read it intermittently enough and I'm utterly unsurprised that people trust you. Truth-in-flattery's-clothing aside, yeah, I don't expect college to be terribly difficult. My reach schools waitlisted me, and even the honors program I'm in shouldn't be any harder than the AP courses I'm all too familiar with.

 

I believe in free will in one of the most liberal senses, so I don't have the comfort of believing that everything happens for a reason - but at the end of the day, things that happen happen, and we all live with that. One of the main things that frustrated me when I was writing this is that there are many people in my life whom I try to protect, and I seem unable to help any of them, from a combination of willpower deficiency, personal weaknesses, and their poor choices. It's very frustrating, I'm sure you know the feeling. I may very well take you up on the offer to talk at some point down the road.

 

Demon Jelly, thanks. And don't worry about me, I'll be fine. Even better, my new computer arrived and so I'll finally have a main computer that has MSN again, so we'll actually be able to talk regularly again soon!

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Mm, I'm the same way. I have someone though, my girlfriend. Going off to college myself, I've been very very afraid of what happens to us when I'm gone. She's still a junior in high school. She's the only human I love, and the only human I totally trust. Find someone you love or trust, and hang onto them. When you find it, you'll know so much more how important those things are. Well, real love and strong trust, anyway - as Slashing said, there are lots of shades of trust :P

 

As for the religious aspect, it's usually a burden - my personal non-religious opinion is that rather than faith in god, have faith in yourself. Go read some Nietzche, some of it's actually kinda relevant. Basically, have faith in yourself, and work to make yourself better.

 

Other than that, nobody's perfect.

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