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A Lack Of Closure

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Emanick

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Since this is my last week on Sals (I effectively leave for college at 8am Sunday), I want to bring some closure to a few things. One of them is the DM+ Mafia game, the storyline of which I plan to post in the Story Mat (staff permission permitting, of course. (Personal closure won't be happening, hopefully, as I'll be pretty liberal with leaving contact details. When your hoped-for future career depends upon publicity, Internet anonymity seems a little less important.) Others, a little more universal, I plan to address in my leaving topic, which should be up at some point fairly soon. That leaves, of course, the real-life threads that this blog deals with. I hope to have time to talk about Gordon College soon. Right now, though, I'm going to talk about Gaia a little bit. (Some of you may remember that she's the girl who I made blogs entries about for, like, nearly two years. My apologies.)

 

Since I doubt many people remember the intricacies of my personal life from years past- briefly, Gaia is a girl who used to go to my youth group and who is now going into her sophomore year at Gordon. I had a massive crush on her for about eight months; two months in I was convinced that, contrary to my previous resolution, it WAS worth it to ever bother getting into a relationship rather than remaining single forever. Then she told me, eight months in, that she didn't like me in that sense. I was devastated, and took months to get over the fact. I was almost reluctant to go to Gordon because she was going there.

 

There are really a lot of remarkable things about her and about myself, and also about our "relationship." (I hesitate to call it such, but there isn't a better word.) To explain this properly, I think I have to talk about myself for a bit.

 

Although girls seem to be drawn to me in many ways - I think I look pretty good, I'm funny and outgoing and I'm also pretty trustworthy and nice, for what it's worth, I only seem to attract girls that I have no interest in, and I can't handle flirting. It just seems strange. Maybe it's my autistic tendencies speaking, but I really don't like meaningless small talk that has only one purpose, a purpose entirely contrary to what's actually being said. I mean, I've found myself flirting with girls that I like - or something like it, anyway - and it seems to work fairly well, but I don't have any urge to move directly beyond flirting into a relationship. I do, however, want a deep, meaningful and loving relationship with somebody very badly - and I'm capable of that, I'm pretty sure. The problem is that I think in order for one of my relationships to succeed, it has to start from something meaningful and work its way out - not start from something shallow and overtly sexual and work its way in. I have the same urges other guys have in terms of "endgame," obviously, and the same need for a partner to share life with. I just don't have the desire for the stupid stuff in between - the flirting and the playing games and other bull. I want to skip all of that without just going straight in for sex or whatever. This is hard. From what I understand, feeling this way about relationships used to be more common, but cultural values changed, for better or worse, and now I'm stuck with being the way I am, which is annoying but hopefully worth it. (The people who know me best think that there's virtually no chance of me ever getting divorced.)

 

Anyway, this is where Gaia comes in. I figured out in retrospect that the reason why I stayed so fascinated by her, even when I realized that "wow, she's good-looking, but there are other fish in the sea, d'oh," is because I felt as if I had a connection with her that was deeper than I've had with almost anybody else. I don't mean that I knew her better than almost anybody else, I'm not that naive. But there aren't many honest people who are willing to open up and talk about things that are difficult to talk about - like life, the universe, God - and she's one of those people. Her thoughts are strikingly similar to mine, but in root, not in development. We swapped philosophical poetry and essays for a few months last spring - while I still obviously liked her way too much - and while we weren't too comfortable around each other in person (she's never been in a relationship either, I think, and honestly is pretty similar to me in some ways, social-wise), we really talked up a storm on Facebook. It was annoying, though, because usually when I did wind up spending much time with her in real life, I ended up just making her feel uncomfortable. I couldn't tell if it was entirely my fault or not. I worried about it for a long time, even though she liked over a third of my numerous FB statuses for several months.

 

We're almost back to normal now, socially, after her being off at college for a year. Last week she asked me if I could drive her up to SoulFest, a Christian music festival in New Hampshire, which is about 2.5 hours from where we live. (She contacted me on Facebook while I was on a page containing nothing but my status, on my Safari browser, and because my status began with "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH," the title of the browser flashed from "Gaia messaged you" to "AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH" every couple of seconds. :) I thought it was pretty funny.) Obviously I'm taking her, since I'm planning to go anyway, so it should be a fun ride up.

 

After she got off Facebook, I had a long think about where I stood with feelings. I realized that I would definitely take her out if I knew she was interested... but at the same time, I realized that I would take any girl I liked out if I knew she was interested. I feel inexperienced enough that just the experience would in itself be worth it, at this point. I feel badly behind the curve. I also realized that I would be less eager to take Gaia out than another girl whom I felt equally attracted to, because I care more about her friendship. That was important. I know where I am now. I know that I'll always have a soft spot for Gaia, but I wouldn't call it a crush anymore.

 

That said, I really long for that deep connection with another human being, that intimacy of mind which could patch all of the ragged holes that my character has. I care more about that than the physical nature of relationships. Is that unusual? I don't really know. I would guess not, but the conversations I have with my friends seem to indicate otherwise. Most of them seem way more interested in sex than anything else. I don't know whether I'm mature beyond my years or a hopelessly naive adolescent. Very possibly both.

 

I wish I'd met somebody besides Gaia whom I felt such a strong connection to. Even though I don't have a crush on her anymore, I think about her in that crush "slot" all the time, just because I have nobody else to think about. There are seven billion people in the world; finding somebody else I like shouldn't be so friggin' hard.

 

Ah well. I guess that's partly what college is for. So much for closure.

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I'll miss you as well... these blog posts were always fun to read :<

 

This is one of the first times I've actually commented here, but lemme put it this way: you're pretty naive yet wise at the same time on the relationship issue. Our beliefs are different, first off. Sex seems to be the main focus stereotypically, which is what friends with benefits is for. Love is your main interest, which is naive. The best goal is to go for in a relationship is something where your partner is fulfilling your needs, and you fulfill your partners needs - all the while keeping it interesting and not the monotonous same-old same-old. Happiness is the most important part. Not a deep connection, and not physical satisfaction. Happiness ~

 

I have no advice for you, just that little bit of wisdom. Hopefully it'll mean something to ya ^^;

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I think it's rare that you'll get closure while someone is still so close to you. In a few years you'll look back and think about her differently, because you may have found someone else that you like in a similar way, or because you've not spoken to her for so long, or because she's now an even bigger part of your life.

What I mean is that while you're still where you currently are, things will always be similar in terms of relationships with other people - I've pretty much maintained the same friendship group since I moved to the school that I'm at currently, which is 5 years. Before that, I had another one for another 5 years, and before that another for 2 years. While your feelings may change, your circumstances haven't changed at exactly the same rate, which means that closure is pretty hard - when you're emotionally ready for closure, you still see them every day, and still speak to them often. I've experienced a similar sort of thing, where someone I liked began to really dislike me after I admitted my feelings for her, and I only really got closure when we became friends again. That happened 2 years ago, and the closure was probably only in about April - and that's for something that honestly isn't a big thing. When something is more important, then closure can take for years.

What I'm trying to say, but not putting very eloquently, is that you're writing this while you're still in the same place. When you move to college, and when you've been there for a while, you'll feel totally different, I'm sure.

Anyway, as I said on the last post, and as I'm sure you know already as pretty much everyone's said the same, we'll miss you on Sal's :P Have a nice time at college, though :)

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The problem I can always foresee with you Emanick is that you are too kind. You let people walk all over you and tell you what to do. You are uncertain of your actions, hesitant to push forward and see what happens. I don't know what I can say that will make you feel better or change the way you think. But I hope by simply addressing your lack of social conduct you'll already see yourself in a different light. You are an amazing chap! Don't ever forget about that!

 

Part of your experiences are that you aren't supposed to understand. If you knew everything about a relationship or what you wanted you'd either be completely happy or a complete mess. Instead you're walking the line we all walk. Wanting to push into being that adult with a safe relationship that is deep and committing. Don't force it, because you don't need to! Thinking about it only brings inadequacies to the table. The less you think about a relationship, the more it becomes tangible and you actually might connect on a deeper level because you are removing that defence. Yes it makes you a little vulnerable but that is all part of the experience. One day you'll be in a relationship with Gaia or not and you might not even look back at this. You'll be comfortable because it feels right.

 

If it were me, continue to be a friend. Friends are what people need in this world! By the time you forget, you'll be so happy you won't feel those emotions.

 

and...I'M SERIOUSLY GOING TO MISS YOU BUDDY :(.

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Man, it sucks to see you go, but I guess everyone's gotta go sometime. :(

 

I'll miss you, Eman. Best of luck with finding some closure with Gaia, but judging by this post, I don't think it's going to be happening soon. :cute:

 

I hope you have a blast at college, and that you do well. And may you also attain whatever future career that you envision. :hug:

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And of course needless to say, real men surf Sal's in lecture >:D

Does this mean you were in a lecture?

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Ill bet there are plenty of people out there dreaming of the same sort of relationship you envisage, you just have to get chatting to them and hope you get on. I wouldn't worry about the logistics too much, It'll happen. :)

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I do, however, want a deep, meaningful and loving relationship with somebody very badly - and I'm capable of that, I'm pretty sure. The problem is that I think in order for one of my relationships to succeed, it has to start from something meaningful and work its way out - not start from something shallow and overtly sexual and work its way in.

 

And rightly so sir. I'm going to side with Emanick here and will respectfully disagree with Entirely. Intimacy and this desire to care for and commit to someone you feel deeply for, that is love. At least, that is the love we Christians hold too. The desire to give yourself for the other person and to have that person give herself back.

 

Modern culture views that as fairy tales and the dreams of the "naive" and "innocent". But as far as we are concerned, that is the standard. We cannot lower ourselves to expect something lower than that as that will just lead to grief, to a sense of lacking and want for something more. Many advocate lowering that bar, to think more ritualistically and stop dreaming. But we all know anything else isn't love. Anything else is just empty promises, lust and convenience.

 

Happiness, fulfilment...all that comes with true love. their existence and presence indicates love exists there to quote Pope Gregory. So please, do not worry. And never settle for anything less than your heart's desire Emanick. Your a good person, a man of faith and moral conviction. You deserve better. Alot better. I'm proud of you and I rest knowing that if you ever find that partner you are looking for, she will be a lucky woman to have you.

 

Please, always remain true to yourself and stay firm in your faith. There are few things absolute and constant in this world. Those are two of them.

 

To the subject of you leaving, I really hope you reconsider or it's not permanent or you'll pop in one and while. You presence will be missed here, by many people. People who call you friend and look up to you. I one of them. But if it is to be that way, I wish you the best for the future and all the blessings you so richly deserve.

 

Please get on MSN if you can, I'm available until all through the week and I would really like to speak to you if you are serious about parting ways with Sals as it may probably be the last time we can talk.

 

God love you Emanick. It was an honour knowing you.

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