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Abe Lincoln Vampire Hunter: great film, here are the !spoiler! flaws

Helm Lardar

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Just saw Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter. It's a thoroughly entertaining film, and I really liked the premise: Lincoln isn't just fighting slavery, he's taking on vampires, who in the climax of the film have to be fought on a train, in various homes, and on the battlefields of the american civil war. 7/10, I'd reccommend it although it can be a bit violent. The combat is outrageous: vampires are clearly immortal, and can therefore learn to fight really well, but Lincoln just picks it up in about a year. He's somehow blessed with vampire killing ability, which is weird.

 

Anyway, the vampires (and Lincoln sometimes) make a few strategy/tactics errors, but to understand that you need to know the film's 'strain' of vampire. So, they look like normal humans, though unusually cold, and they can transform into monsters that have entirely sharp teeth, a bit more strength and speed, and glowing eyes. They are allergic to silver (can't regenerate from wounds caused by it/it burns them), they can regenerate from pretty much all other wounds (except those to eyes), they can turn invisible, and only their shadow can be seen in mirrors. Oh, and they can't hurt other vampires, but if they bit someone without killing them, they can make them a vampire. Or perhaps they can resurrect those they kill, that bit wasn't entirely clear.

 

What did they do wrong?

  • Massively underused invisibility. Vampires would make perfect assassins, but they pretty much only do this when they are attacked. Many times in the film, they approach people openly and are shot down or otherwise injured. This is by far their biggest failure.
  • Used their kind as grunts. I have no idea why vampires were sent into the front line, but if they're supersoldiers, why not just attack the Union army's generals etc?
  • Wear leather. It looks badass, but it makes a big creaking sound if you're trying to sneak.
  • Not use guns. This happens far too many times, where a gun would be tactically sound but is forgotten about.
  • Not wear armour. A lot of the time, they're in a melee. Armour would be tactically viable, but they don't use it, and get stabbed in the torso far too many times. Just a coat of mail would be effective, but something for the throat would also be useful.
  • Missed out on securing power and influence. The vampires are all bankers or merchants...the richest owns a single plantation. Why they haven't become kings and other dictators in their many years is somewhat surprising: they have almost every opportunity available to them.
  • They don't assassinate Abe, which is odd because he's often vulnerable, most vampires are expendable, and they can turn invisible. Instead, they hurt his boy. Why doesn't Abe have mirrors around the house?

What does Lincoln do wrong?

  • His axe needs to have silver on the handle as well. Way too many times, he blocks vampires with it and they strain against the wood. If it had silver on it, they would be burned, and he'd have a great advantage. Also, vampires wouldn't be able to grab his axe that way.
  • His axe head isn't entirely silver. If it was, he could use it as a mirror, which would be pretty powerful.
  • A lot of his fights could be more easily resolved with guns. He sneaks up on vampires many a time, and if a silver bullet is all he needs, he could finish them without a difficult melee.
  • Lincoln never wears armour, which is also odd, especially when he goes to a plantation at the Vampire's request to go and fight them.

Good movie, though. But I would have gone about things differently as a vampire. Also, I have a dwarf vampire in my Dwarf Fortress game, and have found her: she's the captain of the guard, and blasted good at swordfighting.



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IT"S A FUDGING MOVIE TO ENTERTAIN PEOPLE

 

Just leave it at that :/

 

But in response to your 'flaws', how about I make a few:

  • Vampires don't exist
  • Abe lincoln didn't hunt them

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I liked the movie, it was quick and didn't get into detail too much. It was quite fast paced.

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IT"S A FUDGING MOVIE TO ENTERTAIN PEOPLE

 

Just leave it at that :/

 

But in response to your 'flaws', how about I make a few:

  • Vampires don't exist
  • Abe lincoln didn't hunt them

 

Within the premise of the films, vampires did exist. But within the premise of the films, they behave oddly.

 

Hey, I find complaining in blogposts fun. Besides, badass invisible vampire assassins are even more entertaining than confederate visible vampire mooks to me.

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