I don’t know anymore.

My life is great. I have everything I’ve ever wanted when I was young. I’m well above average education-wise. I have great, loving and understanding parents. I have a job that I love and look forward to doing every weekend. But most importantly, I have friends. I went from rock bottom, zero friends when I was 10, to now, the happiest I’ve ever been.

Let me give you some context of year 5 to demonstrate to you what kind of year it was. I was dumped into a new school after my previous school, which already stirred up some crippling social issues. It was no big surprise that I had no friends. But you already know that. Let’s start things off with Runescape, shall we? My Runescape addiction blossomed, and I did virtually anything to play. On weekends, I woke up at 5am to play Runescape. Actually, I woke up at 4am, shaking with excitement, unable to fall back to sleep, and read Enid Blyton books to pass the time. Each chapter, I looked at my watch to see how much time had passed. 4 minutes. I remember very clearly, 4 minutes for each chapter. This is where I got my super-fast reading skills from. I also deliberately gave myself nosebleeds after school. It became so easy to trigger them; I all I needed to do was to give my nose a small nudge. It felt great. I used nailclippers to pick off my moles and freckles and took pleasure in the blood dribbling down my body. I scratched at the inside of my ears, enough to make them bleed, and waited till they became scabs and I picked them off, and scratched at them again to reignite the vicious cycle. Let’s toss in some bullying too. A fat boy with mental problems and a Japanese boy with crushing family issues paired up to make my life a living hell. More than it already was. This is also around the time I started this blog, funnily enough.

Yeah, it was messed up. I was messed up. I look back and it’s rather shocking to realise that I had never given year 5 a second thought until now.

Six years since that dreadful year, and I still restrain myself from grinning foolishly whenever I meet a friend’s gaze. The sound of someone acknowledging, sincerely conversing with me, is like music to my ears. Whenever a friend confides in me with their deepest, darkest secret, for the next few days I feel as if I am floating on the clouds, on the top of the world. This is the best feeling I’ve ever experienced so far.

Then why is it that I feel so lonely, hollow, as if all that I have has been sucked out of me?

A philosophy I recently recognised and have observed throughout many of my highschool years is that a human has two people inside them – person 1, the person who everyone else sees, and acts in accordance to others. Person 2 is the person who holds all their insecurities, fears, memories, emotions, deepest darkest secrets and rises to the throne when the human is at their most vulnerable, with nobody to notice even if they screamed. None of these two are fake, but they stand polar opposites from each other, taking turns in inhabiting their human’s body.

Of course, all these successful friendships don’t come without some strings attached. Of fudgeing course.

In year 7, the first year of high school, I was still struggling to make friends inside my class. I was targeting this girl, super nice and pretty (and still is!), to be my closest friend. Cringe. I did everything to get her to notice me. I tripped her up, undid her shoelaces, and made fun of her, all the works. Oh yes, she noticed me all right. I wanted so desperately to be her best friend, tried so hard at every opportunity, but whatever response she gave me, it was never enough. Eventually, at the end of the year, I reached the tipping point, and was sent into a whole different world I’d never explored before. I didn’t want her just as a friend. I wanted more. More than a friend. I had different thoughts about her, dreams…that I still remember to this day. Let’s skip past the next 4 years and summarise it nicely – every remotely attractive friend with a good personality I’ve gotten extremely close with, I’ve fallen for. And it has ruined every friendship. All my expectations of her, every move she makes, every response that isn’t directed towards me, it all changes from my point of view. I get insanely jealous when they talk and laugh with their other friends, that aren't caused by me. It’s wrong, I tell myself. I just want to be friends, why do I have to feel like this? Why do I have to fudge up goddamn fudgeing everything that I ever worked for in these 6 long years just because I feel differently!?! I JUST WANT TO BE FRIENDS. but she might feel the same way too. NO SHE GODDAMN WON'T GET OUT OF MY fudgeING HEAD! you'll never know if you don't ask...SHE TOLD ME THAT SHE WASN'T! and you could be the person who changes that. THAT'S ENOUGH, I'M NOT TALKING TO HER TODAY SO I DON'T FEEL THESE THINGS! won't you miss the feeling of seeing her warm smile, that cute nervous twitch of her eyebrow when she gets excited, her bubbly laugh when you say something funny, her soft hand in yours when she cries...that feeling could last forever, if you two lived together with her body wrapped around yours, singing perfect harmonies...

But as mentioned in some of my previous entries, there is a guy. 19 years of age, extremely intelligent, cute, in uni. We have done things. And in those moments, I feel whole, and I want that moment to be forever. I want him. But when he leaves, that feeling of loneliness comes back, and he disappears. If the girl did the same thing as the guy, who would I prefer? If she said what he said to me, would the feeling be stronger? And the answer is yes. It's always yes. It's so hard to admit that. I can have him but I can't have her. And I feel like I'm just stringing him along. But there are times, a lot of times, where I want him so bad, to just spend time with him. To walk, hand in hand, laughing and giggling as the world around us disappears. And then there are other times where I don't really care what he does. I don't care whether we cut contact, in fact it would be a weight off my back to stop stringing him on and let him continue with his life without be burdening him. I hate thinking about the future. I don't know what I want. My conservative parents want me to get happily married to a guy and have children and live happily ever after. So do I. But I'm always questioning myself, am I really able to fall for a guy when I have never done that before like I have for girls? Am I really able to live with a guy? Spend the rest of my life with him and commit myself to him? I want to, so badly. But girls. I sometimes picture myself with a girl, and the thought is so much happier, so much more fulfilled. But parents. They would be absolutely crushed to see their only child, a perfect, smart daughter, slam their dreams of having grandchildren. Especially my mum. She LOVES children. She's constantly saying how happy she would be when I have a kid, to take care of one all over again. I have no brothers or sisters to take the spotlight, I am their only creation and they have incredibly high expectations of me, because if I screw up, they will be so disappointed in me. And it hurts to think that I will disappoint them.

I don't even know what to do when I get out of high school. For the past few years, I have wanted to become a meteorologist. It's only now that reality is hitting me in the face, that the most crucial part of meteorology is Physics, my most despised subject. And Maths, which I'm not too brilliant at either (think below average in the most challenging class, 3AB). My backup plan has been doing Geography. I looove Geography. Anything to do with the study of the earth, I love. But, of course, nothing is going to plan grade-wise. My worst subjects are the ones that are required for meteorology/geography - Physics, Maths, Geography. My top subjects are useless to me after highschool - Business studies, Economics, English. And before anything, I am NOT taking up anything finance-related after school. Economics is the most boring class I have and I feel like falling asleep within a minute of every lesson, but it is my second best subject behind Business and I'm getting very good grades for it.

I haven’t done this kind of thing in a while. I kinda miss blogging.