Changes
Entry posted by Sofee
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Hullo. Me again. As some have pointed out, some things have changed. I thought I'd elaborate on my last entry, of a very special someone in particular :P . I mean I probably shouldn't and it's none of ya'lls business but screw it. Screw it all. I'm saying that a lot these days.
Before you gather your pitchforks, yes, this is my second relationship within 8 or 9 months, and yes, with a different gender to the last. That doesn't make a difference though. Actually, I lie, it makes all the difference. The guy relationship went sour mainly because my brain is stubborn and refuses to like males enough. I mean, that among a lot of other reasons, such as him being 20 and me being 17 and being at completely different stages in our lives. Okay, now you can ready your pitchforks because I kinda deserve to be speared by trying things with a guy whom I didn't give 100% to because of what I said above. All is well now though - he has moved on and we are still close friends. He understands my intentions and has forgiven me for it. I don't deserve to be so damn lucky sometimes.
So, my parents. Uh, well. About that. My parents strongly discourage me from getting a boyfriend, and if I did get one, they would give me practically no time to see him. Now, let's throw in some religion. Only my entire family are Christian/Catholic, which doesn't help my case very much. Now let's throw in the fact that I'm their only child. Their one and only shot at children, which has to be completely perfect and get straight As and bear perfect little grandchildren for them to play with.
Now back to the point and predict my parents' responses if I tell them that...
I have a boyfriend? No. Go back to studying.
I'm not straight? Our lives are ruined.
Has a girlfriend? Get out of the house.
It's kinda shizzlety. Telling them is completely out of the question. I'll have to hold off until the end of high school, where I will tell them. But I can't imagine NOT being with her. It just feels so natural, like it was always meant to happen. Despite all the risks and possible disowning by parents and whatnot - this is the first time I have felt completely at ease with somebody I have feelings for. It's said that in a relationship, the person who holds the power is the person who likes/loves the other less. Surprisingly, this is the least of my concerns. I feel like I'm on the exact same level as her. I don't feel like a mad raving lunatic wanting to know what she's doing 24/7 or getting insanely jealous when she speaks to anyone other than me, which is a nice change from my past crushes. It's like a calm storm, and I'm glad I'm mature enough now to realise what love is actually supposed to feel like.
The plus side to this (in the context of my parents) is that I can spend time with her without my parents getting suspicious. Every Monday, we study at the library after school and spend some time at the shops after that. There's no way I'd be able to do that with a guy and my parents knowing. There's no way a guy would be able to come to my house, or sleep over, or go with me alone anywhere, even if I told my parents that we were just friends. I can do just about anything with my girl (except the obvious) without a second glance by my parents.
The negative side to this is the hiding. So much hiding. And the close calls. We are unable to be affectionate to each other during school hours, or in any public place. Although, I guess girl couples have it easier than guy couples as the line between platonic and not platonic is more blurred. Nobody can know except extremely close friends. We have to be so careful with our looks and our actions. We have nearly been caught out several times, some by a matter of seconds. We have to be on guard all the goddamn time, and I'm scared that we'll slip one day.
This all probably seems like a huge amount of trouble to you people, but to be honest, it feels like nothing. And if it actually is a huge amount of trouble, then it's all worth it.
This is probably the cheesiest entry I've written since year 10. Or ever, really.
So.
Questions? Queries? Comments? Hatemail?
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