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ok soooooooooooo i actually need help

Aabid

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i literally posted this exact same thing to reddit so i just pasted it here but im gonna add a bit more..

 

Basically I'm pretty sure the root of my problems start from childhood. I am the oldest child and I'm 18 and a guy. Basically ever since I was younger my parents would tell me not to have friends. They would tell me to only talk to people at school when I needed to and when I came home I needed to have no connection to school. Due to this I basically never went out once I came home or once it was the weekend. My friends at school knew this (from like grade 1) but of course they all hung out and I never got that close to them. I did not have a tv or anything in my house and my parents are pretty religious so talking with girls and such was out of the picture.

 

I just want to say that yes although this shizzle is fudgeed up in a way my younger siblings actually live a good life. I think my parents learnt from me and they're allowed to have friends and although they're still strict with going out and what not they do get to go out and play sports and join sports teams at school (something I was never able to do) but idk the damage is done right.

 

Anyways around end of grade 11 I decided enough is enough and I made a facebook and I started having convos and stuff with a bunch of people. All this time though at school I used to be the loudest in class and I was a pretty guy. Girls didn't like me (I remember this but I'm not sure why) but end of grade 11 I was getting kind of better. This brings me to my first problem which I'm getting kind of better at. Back then because I'd literally never talked to a girl about anything other than school I used to get so nervous talking to girls and whatnot and this kind of leads to what is wrong now. I started university this year and I haven't really made friends. People tell me to join clubs but i don't really have much interests except for playing basketball and i didn't realize when the sign ups for intramurals were so I'll sign up when next year starts. Basically I'm really not that awkward when I talk to girls anymore (I literally talked to every girl i saw at school to kill my fear or whatever it was) and I can make them laugh and whatever. BUT although I do get their numbers and stuff I don't get close to them and I'm unsure how. And if I do get close to a girl I immediately catch feelings for her which is fudgeing retarded because as a guy you know how much it sucks to have feelings for a girl you wrent even trying flirt with. Then I get all sad and depressed when they don't reply to my texts and I can't stop thinking about them. This literally happens with any girl that shows friendly affection towards me. I'm pretty sure this has to do with me not talking to girls for the majority of my life. Any idea how I can fix this???

 

The second problem is I'm obsessed with trying to make the basketball team. I won't lie I'm pretty good and although there isn't a very good chance I won't make the team next year I work everyday towards trying to make the team. I don't know what's wrong with me but I want to experience that bond or whatever with being on a team. I see the players of different teams together and I'm kinda jealous of the friendship they have. How can I get over all this??

 

As for guy friends I judge way too much. Like I can become friends easily with guys too but I'm so selective and it's not a good think. Like I'll try to become friends with people on sports teams or who I think are "cool". Someone told me to give everyone a chance so I'm doing that but any help would be appreciated for that too.

 

Also classes end in twoish weeks so I guess if I can make some kind of friends before the summer it would be great. Usually the past 17 summers of my life are the most depressing time of my life. My parents don't let me go out and I sit at home the whole day doing nothing and sometimes I just feel like crying. This summer I'm taking summer school and I've also told my parents im going to play basketball in the summer so it would be nice to finally hangout with people and not be so depressed. Honestly any sort of break or holiday is a nightmare for me. I think I need to socially interact with people or else I get really sad. I'm not the type of person that can sit around and be happy being alone.

 

 

My school campus is also pretty big like 80000 students and I don't live on campus which also sucks.

 

 

so added on:my parents havent exactly gotten better. theyre very religious so they get at the dumbest shizzle for me. i think about running away a lot but i literally dont have any money and i cant exactly take care of myself. plus they said some pretty hurtful things so im trying my best not to talk with them unless i have to have to.. (like the things they said were pretty sad i cant believe my parents would say that stuff) (they werent making fun of me but im not gonna say what they said)

 

i cant exactly leave the house whenever i want. like the other day i had an exam and i came home after and went to sleep cuz i slept 3 hours the night before. when i woke up i went to play ball for 2 hours and after i came home they yelled so much and stuff..

 

oh and they said i have to work in the summer (like i owe them) and my dad is like oh its my house u must listen to me.. that kinda makes me sad cuz i met someone on the ball team who said he would work with me over the summer and this is my best chance to get onto the team but idk now if i work playing ball the whole day is kind of hard. ok i gotta go take care guys



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okay ive been reading my old blog entries and damn i used to be addicted to league..............

im not even sure what i want now.. maybe some freedom?

i think what they want is for me to listen to every thing they say and be really religious like them. tbh i dont even have a problem with the religion itself i believe it and everything but theyre just pushing it too far now.

 

if anyone has some advice it would be real nice. i'll actually listen to peoples advice unlike before when i just kept playing league and fudgeing up my relationship with my parents more.

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Not living on campus first year was a mistake. I made tons of friends from my dorm freshman year. I also made a lot of friends from my sophomore dorm too, so it's not too late. Try to get into a dorm if you can.

 

For the basketball part you need to make 100% effort and if you're already "pretty good" you'll at least get on the practice squad, which will give you people to socialize with.

 

As for the living at home stuff it looks like you don't have another option so yeah you have to do what they say. My parents had a similar attitude though not as strong. It's not exactly the nicest thing you can do to a kid but at the same time they are right it is their house and they have no legal obligation to house you anymore. Bite the bullet this summer and next summer try to get your own apartment on campus with a summer job.

 

I might have missed other things it's a bit discursive.

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Not living on campus first year was a mistake. I made tons of friends from my dorm freshman year. I also made a lot of friends from my sophomore dorm too, so it's not too late. Try to get into a dorm if you can.

 

For the basketball part you need to make 100% effort and if you're already "pretty good" you'll at least get on the practice squad, which will give you people to socialize with.

 

As for the living at home stuff it looks like you don't have another option so yeah you have to do what they say. My parents had a similar attitude though not as strong. It's not exactly the nicest thing you can do to a kid but at the same time they are right it is their house and they have no legal obligation to house you anymore. Bite the bullet this summer and next summer try to get your own apartment on campus with a summer job.

 

I might have missed other things it's a bit discursive.

yeah lemme try to make it neater.

 

 

oh yeah and did i say i cant live outside of home.. they just said no straight out otherwise i would have gone to a uni that wasnt close to my home anyways lmao..

 

yeah im going to try for basketball this summer

 

but yeah basically they dont want me leaving the house its like they want to have complete control over my life (even going as far as telling me not to go out with friends and sometimes they know i go out with my cousin so theyre like ohhh if you go out with him make sure he pays because you go to school and he works so you dont have money to waste... like thats not the shizzle you tell your kids right??)

 

im pretty sure the not having friends rule fudgeed alot with me growing up so my social skills arent exactly the best

 

and yeah im thinking getting a job cant be that bad because ill be making money and money can actually help me if i do decide to make some moves

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So you're living in your house and then commuting to school? That sucks, but it's also weird that they're forcing you to stay in the house and then acting like they own you at 18.

 

You can live outside your home, though they may not like it. You don't need to be dramatic about it and run away, but you can just get up and move out. If you do that, they may threaten you with no promises of funding tuition. You don't have the money to do that but you could get scholarships that will give you the money. One thing you could look into is an ROTC program. If you apply to ROTC, you will be able to financially live independently and also meet some people. At the same time, a lot of people don't want to do ROTC for understandable reasons.

 

Idk, you're sort of at a crossroads right now and maybe sticking with your parents may be the best choice even if it sucks. Maybe someone else can give you more ideas.

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So you're living in your house and then commuting to school? That sucks, but it's also weird that they're forcing you to stay in the house and then acting like they own you at 18.

 

You can live outside your home, though they may not like it. You don't need to be dramatic about it and run away, but you can just get up and move out. If you do that, they may threaten you with no promises of funding tuition. You don't have the money to do that but you could get scholarships that will give you the money. One thing you could look into is an ROTC program. If you apply to ROTC, you will be able to financially live independently and also meet some people. At the same time, a lot of people don't want to do ROTC for understandable reasons.

 

Idk, you're sort of at a crossroads right now and maybe sticking with your parents may be the best choice even if it sucks. Maybe someone else can give you more ideas.

yup i live at home and the commute is 40ish mins so thats good (because my highschool was walking distance and my dad would show up in his car when i wasnt home on time smh). it is pretty weird and honestly the worst thing is that its not even like im hanging out with anyone or banging a girl or something (like that stuff they are against so i would get that but this is really over nothing

 

is rotc the military thing? if it is nahhh i really dont think its for me

 

the only good reason why i would think of running away is so i dont have any contact with that so they cant they to enforce anything else on me but yeah i do realize it is dramatic and quite unnecessary too.

 

yeah i do think sticking it thru is the best thing to do but ill wait to see what others would say.

 

 

oh and on the topic of owning me.. basically in canada we can get our g1 license at the age of 16. you do a written test and once you have that you can drive with someone beside you and you can start to learn how to drive. ive been 18 for 6 months and my parents are still getting mad if i even bring the topic of getting my license... small things like that fudge with you right... the only reason they have is because they are older, they have experience and they know its not the right time to get it yet. i mean its not that big of a deal but cmonnnn

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I read what you commented in my blog and whizzed over here.

 

This sounds like a pretty messed up situation. Not uncommon, but still toxic and unhealthy. You say that if you don't form friendships/interact with other people, you get sad and depressed. The opposite of what your parents want for you. So, the options you have here are:

 

1. Do the same thing you've been doing for the past 17 years and live under their thumb in fear of upsetting them, at the cost of you not growing as a person.

2. Rebel against them completely, go live on campus off student loans (idk how it works there, in Australia student loans are no biggie), do whatever the hell you want. This probably will lead to your parents looking down on you and extreme tension.

 

Obviously both don't sound too appealing, so I think reach for something in between. It sounds like you're very dependent on them, so you'll need to take the baby steps to complete independence. First up, you definitely need some sort of part-time job - some sort of steady income and personal bank account to divide your parents' money and your money. I don't know how your income works atm - allowance from parents? Or do they just buy everything? Either way, it makes you very dependent on THEIR flow of money.

 

Money is powerful. It can buy you a license, a car, residency, independence, a girlfriend. But in the meantime, do things outside of your comfort zone that has good potential for meeting new friends - volunteer for events, go on camps (hiking, skiing?), start a dogwalking business, anything that you think is scary and too 'out there' is probably perfect. Of course, your parents will get mad at this, but what are you gonna do - stay with option 1? Let's face it, you wanna be more social, which they'll be unhappy about, but if the price of your happiness is theirs, then it's worth it. Let them get mad, don't let them get in the way of your happiness. You're gonna have to show up to them someday, and it's better to start earlier than later.

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As someone who comes from a conservative Muslim household, I can sort of relate with you. My restrictions are of a similar ilk, but not even close to as extreme. Here are some steps I'd recommend:

 

Move out next year. Life will not get any better. I'm being dead serious, they aren't gonna change and you don't want to be that guy that's gonna be yelling pure hatred at your parents when they're dead because you haven't achieved what you wanted in life.

This video might help, obviously it's not a serious video but what big narstie says has some level of truths.

 

Get a job and whatever the Canadian equivalent of student finance is. You need money to move out, and a job will be your saviour. Apply everywhere. You've been dealt an unfortunate set of cards so you're gonna have to work slightly harder than everyone else to make it.

 

Try and be open about making friends, don't try and see how being friends with someone will benefit you, just make friends with everyone thats cool with you.

 

Join whatever the equivalent of societies are in the Canada. Join as many as you can, because the not so serious societies are great for making friends and enjoying your college life.

 

Stand your ground. In other situations, like my own, I would have said not to do this and try and work out some sort of compromise, but that is not gonna work here. Once you have the keys to semi/full financial independence, tell your parents what you want from life. Before you do this step, make sure you are able to move out though and have the money to do so.

 

Keep playing basketball, don't forget theres 80,000 people in your college/uni, so the competition will be strong.

 

You may need to slug it out for a few months, but keep your cool and don't do anything stupid. Lets hope that the saying absence makes the heart grow fonder actually comes true here and after you not living with your parents, they change their tune a bit.

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i tried watching the video but i couldnt understand what he was saying LOL

 

is a society a club??

 

yeah i feel you about the hating thing.. like i wanna love them but they make it so hard and they keep saying theyre just trying to tell me the right things and try to make my life better.

 

 

yup when next school year starts im planning to be friends with everyone.

 

and i already do get student finance so its not even like theyre paying for my tuition...

 

did you end up running away or something??

 

and yeah im saving up my money so incase i do decide to leave i can kind of provide for myself.

 

and oh i didnt see u comment sofee ill get back to you

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I read what you commented in my blog and whizzed over here.

 

This sounds like a pretty messed up situation. Not uncommon, but still toxic and unhealthy. You say that if you don't form friendships/interact with other people, you get sad and depressed. The opposite of what your parents want for you. So, the options you have here are:

 

1. Do the same thing you've been doing for the past 17 years and live under their thumb in fear of upsetting them, at the cost of you not growing as a person.

2. Rebel against them completely, go live on campus off student loans (idk how it works there, in Australia student loans are no biggie), do whatever the hell you want. This probably will lead to your parents looking down on you and extreme tension.

 

Obviously both don't sound too appealing, so I think reach for something in between. It sounds like you're very dependent on them, so you'll need to take the baby steps to complete independence. First up, you definitely need some sort of part-time job - some sort of steady income and personal bank account to divide your parents' money and your money. I don't know how your income works atm - allowance from parents? Or do they just buy everything? Either way, it makes you very dependent on THEIR flow of money.

 

Money is powerful. It can buy you a license, a car, residency, independence, a girlfriend. But in the meantime, do things outside of your comfort zone that has good potential for meeting new friends - volunteer for events, go on camps (hiking, skiing?), start a dogwalking business, anything that you think is scary and too 'out there' is probably perfect. Of course, your parents will get mad at this, but what are you gonna do - stay with option 1? Let's face it, you wanna be more social, which they'll be unhappy about, but if the price of your happiness is theirs, then it's worth it. Let them get mad, don't let them get in the way of your happiness. You're gonna have to show up to them someday, and it's better to start earlier than later.

yup i think im going to have to get out of my comfort zone.. its mainly the fear of what theyll do if they find out i was doing something thats why i dont really leave the house once im at home.

 

 

as for money they usually buy me stuff. i never got allowance but as i got older every few months ill go to the mall with my mom and we just walk around buying a bunch of clothes so thats not really a problem. but basically they hate when i spend money on anything for fun... like they get mad that i spend a bus ticket (which is like $2) to go play basketball.....

 

and im gonna message you somethingg

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ok i wrote out an essay in response, however i accidentally clicked back and lost all my progress woo, so forgive me if i'm typing short and snappy, it's because i spent like 10 minutes typing for no reason

 

i tried watching the video but i couldnt understand what he was saying LOL

 

ok so big narstie is a uk grime artist and a part time agony aunt. in this vid he got a question from a guy needing advice cos he quit uni in his first year to live his life and he didnt tell his parents. big narstie was happy for him because he lived his story and he's saying that there's consequences to his actions but he might as well live life cos he's fudgeed anyway. the last point doesn't apply to you because you'll be (hopefully) moving out.

 

i already do get student finance so its not even like theyre paying for my tuition...

 

do you have a maintenance grant/loan? like actually money you can spend rather than money that goes straight to tuition fees? if so, good because that's your rent money. if not, contact the relevant people to get that sorted.

 

yeah im saving up my money so incase i do decide to leave i can kind of provide for myself.

 

If you haven't got a part time job, apply asap. you're gonna need this money for the next academic year

 

did you end up running away or something??

 

No at 16 I decided enough is enough and I wanted to move out for university. I applied to unis outside of London, even as far as Scotland. My parents weren't happy, but I told them that no london uni was good enough for my course, which was partially true, as aside from LSE, there aren't that many good unis for my course. Long story short, I moved out when I was 18 and I live two lives, one with my family and one with my friends. I've decided to lie a bit, and it's worth it in the long run tbh as I don't really want to sever ties with my family and when I want to properly move out I'm gonna cross that bridge when I need to do it. This would have been the advice that I'd have given you but your parents seen like they aren't budging at all.

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Basically the initial thing i see is 18 (legal age for self responsibility in most places, I'm assuming your country as well) and stuck at home being smothered & options extremely limited. From alot of the subtext & more obvious comments - as long as you stay there family strictures and beliefs won't allow that to happen so you really only have 2 (legal) choices. Roughly agreeing with Sofee -

 

Stay there and put up with it, which is clearly already difficult enough, and damaging in the long term to social growth and skills.

OR

Cut the ties and leave , COLD, It doesn't have to be outright rebellion but must be independence.

 

You may have several rude surpises coming your way as to just what real life needs you to cope with, but unltil you cut all contact and take full responsibility for your finances & life you won't escape.

 

Once you get grounded again, theres nothing saying that you need to stay away from family forever (unless they force it on you) but having made that leap and proved yourself they may surprise you and give you alot more respect than they apparently do now. It really needs to be for a significant period of time ( 6 months minimum) and not to beg to be back under the same roof unless dire circumstances require it.

 

If leaning towards getting out, start the prep work now, find out what work is available in the hours you have/will have spare, track down accomodation options, prep a rough budget (fees/food/rent/"life") so you have targets & known limits. Walking out the door with no idea is the worst plan of all.

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Basically the initial thing i see is 18 (legal age for self responsibility in most places, I'm assuming your country as well) and stuck at home being smothered & options extremely limited. From alot of the subtext & more obvious comments - as long as you stay there family strictures and beliefs won't allow that to happen so you really only have 2 (legal) choices. Roughly agreeing with Sofee -

 

Stay there and put up with it, which is clearly already difficult enough, and damaging in the long term to social growth and skills.

OR

Cut the ties and leave , COLD, It doesn't have to be outright rebellion but must be independence.

 

You may have several rude surpises coming your way as to just what real life needs you to cope with, but unltil you cut all contact and take full responsibility for your finances & life you won't escape.

 

Once you get grounded again, theres nothing saying that you need to stay away from family forever (unless they force it on you) but having made that leap and proved yourself they may surprise you and give you alot more respect than they apparently do now. It really needs to be for a significant period of time ( 6 months minimum) and not to beg to be back under the same roof unless dire circumstances require it.

 

If leaning towards getting out, start the prep work now, find out what work is available in the hours you have/will have spare, track down accomodation options, prep a rough budget (fees/food/rent/"life") so you have targets & known limits. Walking out the door with no idea is the worst plan of all.

what kind of rude surprises? do you mean how hard it is to surprise on your own?

 

yeah ive been kind planning a budget but a job might be something i reallly need to get.

 

and yeah i agree the main thing is staying at home is hurting my social skills and growth.. idk if this makes sense but some guy told me that its like not ever walking until after highschool.. this is the same thing.. ive never really practiced my social skills and now im getting a bit

ok i wrote out an essay in response, however i accidentally clicked back and lost all my progress woo, so forgive me if i'm typing short and snappy, it's because i spent like 10 minutes typing for no reason

 

Quote

 

i tried watching the video but i couldnt understand what he was saying LOL

 

ok so big narstie is a uk grime artist and a part time agony aunt. in this vid he got a question from a guy needing advice cos he quit uni in his first year to live his life and he didnt tell his parents. big narstie was happy for him because he lived his story and he's saying that there's consequences to his actions but he might as well live life cos he's fudgeed anyway. the last point doesn't apply to you because you'll be (hopefully) moving out.

 

Quote

 

i already do get student finance so its not even like theyre paying for my tuition...

 

do you have a maintenance grant/loan? like actually money you can spend rather than money that goes straight to tuition fees? if so, good because that's your rent money. if not, contact the relevant people to get that sorted.

 

Quote

 

yeah im saving up my money so incase i do decide to leave i can kind of provide for myself.

 

If you haven't got a part time job, apply asap. you're gonna need this money for the next academic year

 

Quote

 

did you end up running away or something??

 

No at 16 I decided enough is enough and I wanted to move out for university. I applied to unis outside of London, even as far as Scotland. My parents weren't happy, but I told them that no london uni was good enough for my course, which was partially true, as aside from LSE, there aren't that many good unis for my course. Long story short, I moved out when I was 18 and I live two lives, one with my family and one with my friends. I've decided to lie a bit, and it's worth it in the long run tbh as I don't really want to sever ties with my family and when I want to properly move out I'm gonna cross that bridge when I need to do it. This would have been the advice that I'd have given you but your parents seen like they aren't budging at all.

 

not really i have a some money which i have lying around but i use that when i eat or whatever.

and LOL what kinda life do you live with your friends?

more freedom and getting my social skills up will be a process i need to work on.

 

 

by getting "you get grounded again" do you mean settling in myself?

also i have no idea what would happen if i actually left. i have no idea how they would react.. knowing them they would hunt me down or something like that

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by getting "you get grounded again" do you mean settling in myself?

also i have no idea what would happen if i actually left. i have no idea how they would react.. knowing them they would hunt me down or something like that

 

No matter how well you plan , or find whatever adaptive skills within you- getting out of the family dwelling & looking after yourself will be an expansive and shocking ( good or bad both possible) experience. Grounded basically means being settled and normal in the routine your life acquires rather than bouncing from one thing to the next.

Having the strength of familiarity with a different life will remove/reduce an urge to retreat to what you know now, but is making you uncomfortable.

The reason i suggest a delay to seeing family is that when in doubt between strange/unknown possible risks OR a retreat to the uncomfortable known, alot may choose the easier familiar fallback.

Don't make yourself have to take that option, make both choices familiar so you can make a true choice.

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<p class='citation'>Bwauder, on 25 April 2016 - 04:47 AM, said:</p><div class="blockquote"><div class='quote'>Basically the initial thing i see is 18 (legal age for self responsibility in most places, I'm assuming your country as well) and stuck at home being smothered & options extremely limited. From alot of the subtext & more obvious comments - as long as you stay there family strictures and beliefs won't allow that to happen so you really only have 2 (legal) choices. Roughly agreeing with Sofee -

 

Stay there and put up with it, which is clearly already difficult enough, and damaging in the long term to social growth and skills.

OR

Cut the ties and leave , COLD, It doesn't have to be outright rebellion but must be independence.

 

You may have several rude surpises coming your way as to just what real life needs you to cope with, but unltil you cut all contact and take full responsibility for your finances & life you won't escape.

 

Once you get grounded again, theres nothing saying that you need to stay away from family forever (unless they force it on you) but having made that leap and proved yourself they may surprise you and give you alot more respect than they apparently do now. It really needs to be for a significant period of time ( 6 months minimum) and not to beg to be back under the same roof unless dire circumstances require it.

 

If leaning towards getting out, start the prep work now, find out what work is available in the hours you have/will have spare, track down accomodation options, prep a rough budget (fees/food/rent/"life") so you have targets & known limits. Walking out the door with no idea is the worst plan of all.

</div></div>what kind of rude surprises? do you mean how hard it is to surprise on your own?

 

yeah ive been kind planning a budget but a job might be something i reallly need to get.

 

and yeah i agree the main thing is staying at home is hurting my social skills and growth.. idk if this makes sense but some guy told me that its like not ever walking until after highschool.. this is the same thing.. ive never really practiced my social skills and now im getting a bit <p class='citation'>Conspicuous, on 24 April 2016 - 09:14 PM, said:</p><div class="blockquote"><div class='quote'>ok i wrote out an essay in response, however i accidentally clicked back and lost all my progress woo, so forgive me if i'm typing short and snappy, it's because i spent like 10 minutes typing for no reason

 

Quote

 

i tried watching the video but i couldnt understand what he was saying LOL

 

ok so big narstie is a uk grime artist and a part time agony aunt. in this vid he got a question from a guy needing advice cos he quit uni in his first year to live his life and he didnt tell his parents. big narstie was happy for him because he lived his story and he's saying that there's consequences to his actions but he might as well live life cos he's fudgeed anyway. the last point doesn't apply to you because you'll be (hopefully) moving out.

 

Quote

 

i already do get student finance so its not even like theyre paying for my tuition...

 

do you have a maintenance grant/loan? like actually money you can spend rather than money that goes straight to tuition fees? if so, good because that's your rent money. if not, contact the relevant people to get that sorted.

 

Quote

 

yeah im saving up my money so incase i do decide to leave i can kind of provide for myself.

 

If you haven't got a part time job, apply asap. you're gonna need this money for the next academic year

 

Quote

 

did you end up running away or something??

 

No at 16 I decided enough is enough and I wanted to move out for university. I applied to unis outside of London, even as far as Scotland. My parents weren't happy, but I told them that no london uni was good enough for my course, which was partially true, as aside from LSE, there aren't that many good unis for my course. Long story short, I moved out when I was 18 and I live two lives, one with my family and one with my friends. I've decided to lie a bit, and it's worth it in the long run tbh as I don't really want to sever ties with my family and when I want to properly move out I'm gonna cross that bridge when I need to do it. This would have been the advice that I'd have given you but your parents seen like they aren't budging at all.

</div></div>

not really i have a some money which i have lying around but i use that when i eat or whatever.

and LOL what kinda life do you live with your friends?

more freedom and getting my social skills up will be a process i need to work on.

 

 

by getting "you get grounded again" do you mean settling in myself?

also i have no idea what would happen if i actually left. i have no idea how they would react.. knowing them they would hunt me down or something like that

 

Apologies for the lack of cropping, on my phone currently.

 

The life I live with my friends is what I consider my real life. I'm agnostic, I go clubbing 3-4 times a week, I drink like a uni student, I dont follow any religious rules aside from the onesthat coexist with my morals. When I'm at home, I don't drink at home(only when i go to parties), I eat halal food when I'm around my parents(i dont cook at home so i dont mind anyway) and I pray on a friday. It makes sense for me to maintain this facade rather than sever ties with my immediete and like half of my extended family.

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I may make some incorrect assumptions and stuff here so I apologize if anything offends you, but it's just a very quick breakdown of how I read your post. From my perspective, here's another way if seeing your situation:

 

Your parents sound extremely strict and have set unrealistic restrictions on your social life for a very long time. Now, you are 18 which is an extremely stressful 'stage' of life because:

  • you are provided with a glimpse of freedom that comes with adulthood
  • you are provided with a glimpse of the constraints of adulthood
  • you are still 'tied down' by your dependance on your parents
  • physiologically and psychologically you are going through the most drastic changes your body and mind will experience

With all of these factors contributing to stress, you are also under pressure from society to adhere to its social norms and values which may or may not be realistic:

  • Let's face it, the internet and social media dominate our culture and makes us all look way more socially competent and connected than we actually are
  • You go to a friggin' HUGE university with 80,000 people and you probably see people all around you making you say 'if there's people everywhere why do I feel so isolated?'
  • you may forget that just because you all have the mutual connection to your university, it also has the size of a medium-sized city: how many people can you actually connect with in a city?

 

So in conclusion, you may be putting too much faith in OTHER peoples' social abilities, including womens'. While there are people mingling all around you, social groups, teams, etc... I would put SO much money on the fact that the majority feel socially incompetent and out of the loop themselves. It's the world we live in now, as sad as that sounds.

 

My advice:

  • First and foremost on the subject of girls: be a good listener. If you aren't the most outgoing or best at carrying a conversation for a long time, just practice asking questions. Some girls will be withdrawn and won't want to open up to so many questions but that could just be their personality or the effects of our disconnected society. You may get along quite well with an outgoing girl who admires your listening ability and wants to do most of the talking herself.
  • P.S. the thing you said about you immediately catching feelings for any girl that pays you attention happens to almost every guy ever. It's imbedded in our nature.. it's really annoying but it's our instinct.
  • Your perceived 'problems' with yourself... you are not fudged up, I promise. Everyone else is. Not as individuals... everyone else as a group. What I mean by this is: instead of getting frustrated at yourself and not meshing with everyone, try to take amusement in it. Look around you, observe, take it all in as a very funny/awkward mess of society. You should start to see everyone constantly "trying to find their place".
  • You'll see that everyone is strikingly the same, regardless of how different their backgrounds are. You have some crazy things that are putting a lot of pressure on your life right now, but almost everyone else has their own crazy adventure they're dealing with as well. So maybe just try to be a "fly on the wall".. take the leap and join a team or a club, even if you have only the slightest interest in it, observe people, laugh at their jokes, be a good listener, ask questions and pay them attention
  • people LOVE attention: if you develop this "good listener" approach and display interest in other people, I almost guarantee they'll feel a lot closer to you.

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@sneezingtree

 

nah fam i didnt feel offended at all.. that was actually comforting to read..

 

"you are provided with a glimpse of the constraints of adulthood"

what did you mean by this

 

"you may forget that just because you all have the mutual connection to your university, it also has the size of a medium-sized city: how many people can you actually connect with in a city?"

by this you mean i cant ever be connected to everyone right?

 

You go to a friggin' HUGE university with 80,000 people and you probably see people all around you making you say 'if there's people everywhere why do I feel so isolated?'

 

 

yeah this EXACTLY bro i feel this way allllllllllll the time.

 

ill try the listening thing when classes start again i guess.. tbh conversation isnt really that big of a deal i mean i can USUALLY start a convo with a girl beside me but if shes even 2 seats away ill good kitty! out.. but yeah ill for sure try to get them to tlak more about themselves

 

and lool okay but im not even kidding but feelings fudge with you so bad.. like its annoying to want them to talk to you so bad and you cant even focus on anyhting.

 

ill also try to join some clubs.. but honestly apart from sports i really am not interested in anything so im going to join intramural sports first of all

 

 

even if im a good listener tho i still have learn how to be funny and engaging;.. i dont want to be a robot right

 

but thanks man ill for sure try my best when the new school year starts again but yeah feeling not connected feels realllly bad.. plus i consider myself pretty social so i get kinda depressed when i have none to talk to

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@conspic thats pretty cool loool your a brave guy... but idk i actually believe in islam and stuff so i cant just do that i just want them to be more relaxed so moving out could possible make them more relaxed.

Aabid, on , said:

 

by getting "you get grounded again" do you mean settling in myself?

also i have no idea what would happen if i actually left. i have no idea how they would react.. knowing them they would hunt me down or something like that

 

No matter how well you plan , or find whatever adaptive skills within you- getting out of the family dwelling & looking after yourself will be an expansive and shocking ( good or bad both possible) experience. Grounded basically means being settled and normal in the routine your life acquires rather than bouncing from one thing to the next.

Having the strength of familiarity with a different life will remove/reduce an urge to retreat to what you know now, but is making you uncomfortable.

The reason i suggest a delay to seeing family is that when in doubt between strange/unknown possible risks OR a retreat to the uncomfortable known, alot may choose the easier familiar fallback.

Don't make yourself have to take that option, make both choices familiar so you can make a true choice.

 

so basically put yourself in an uncomfortable situation so you can adapt right

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