Welp, I did it, about 3 months ago. It was heartbreaking. We were both still in love. But, after we patched things up at the beginning of this year (see last entry), uni started up again, and we fell back into the same limbo. It was the classic case of not prioritising each other, and getting complacent. I couldn't bear with the guilt over my obsessive thoughts of 'should-I-should-I-not', so I did. It was unexpected, especially for her. I'd been with this girl for 3 years, and it was all over with a 1-second answer. "Are you really breaking up with me?" "I think so." I couldn't even say yes, how pathetic. I didn't want to believe it was real. I still don't.
With this being my first 'real' breakup, I didn't know what to expect - how I was supposed to feel, what I should've done. The first week was the worst. Every time I wasn't out in public, I was crying. I wish I was exaggerating. I had to stow away all the things that reminded me of her in a shoebox. I had to take down the origami hearts she made that looked so beautiful inside my wardrobe. I had to throw away the toothbrush she used when she slept over. There was a lot of googling 'how to get over a breakup'. Then, for about a month after that, I didn't cry once. I felt at peace with myself, and the immense relief that I'd made that decision. I drowned myself in uni work, often staying till midnight for most days of the week. After that phase ended, the rivers started flowing again, and I missed her. It was like going through drug withdrawal - only that it kicked in after 1 month. How do you replace that unique happiness you get only from being with someone you love? That's kind of where I'm at right now, but a bit better. Friends help a lot - I never realised how much they cared for me, and the support is overwhelming. Which made me feel even more guilty. I hated myself for doing this to her, especially at a time in her life where she needed me the most. She truly believed that we would work through our problems and we'd be forever. I had to live with this decision, not knowing if it would be the biggest mistake of my life. I have a long way to go for forgiving myself.
Nevertheless, I do think that this would've happened sooner or later. I don't think we can fit into each others' lives as we once had and feel fulfilled. But, we still want to be friends in the future. In high school, we were best friends with no romantic feelings attached, so we might be able to do it again. We agreed to initially go no-contact for 2 months, and check-in every few months to see what's up. As long as we still have a strong desire to see each other and be friends, we won't be ready. This is gonna take a longggggggggg time to get over her.
Since the breakup, things have gotten a little wild. I've hooked up with most people she was jealous of when we were together, including my ex (bf) before her. Oh yeah, and when her and I had our first meetup since the break, we somehow found ourselves in her bed. Oops. I've also bought my first -stick-, which was quite the experience. I feel like I'm still coming down from it, from 2 days ago. Thanks to the excessive distract-me-from-breakup-feels-study, I've gotten killer grades - probably my best semester yet. Now that I think about it, my life is exactly where I want it to be, because of the choices I've made and how lucky I've gotten along the way. I'm on track to doing a 5-month working holiday at a Canadian ski resort when I finish my degree at the end of this year. I'm probably going to travel around Canada after the 5-month stint has ended, so if any Canadian slammers wanna take me to a hockey game or ride moose, hit me up. I've kinda sorted out my ADD and am on the right meds for it (Ritalin). I'm trying to make a comeback from my post-breakup weight loss to eat more and get back on track at the gym. I don't know how I got so lucky.
I'm not going to be in a relationship for a while. A lot of the problems were caused by me, and I need to grow by myself to become the person that I'd want to date. I mean, I'm only 20, so this is pretty much the time in someone's life where that happens. For now, I'm gonna keep trying to make decisions that will improve myself as a person, and have some fun along the way too.