The Ape God

[Finway]

The Ape God

 

Guthix smiled down at his pet, a brown-furred monkey named Marimbo. The creature grinned back, displaying it's yellow-white teeth. Guthix laughed.

"Good morning, Marimbo," Guthix said. The monkey starred at it's owner, and he tilted his head in curiousity. Then he attempted to grab Guthix's tea cup. The great god smiled.

"No, little one," he spoke gently. "This is not a monkey drink. I'm sure you wouldn't enjoy it." Marimbo gave a sad face to Guthix. In response, Guthix smiled back tenderly, and lightly tossed his pet a pure yellow, spotlessly ripe banana.

"I'm glad I created you, Marimbo." Guthix said. Marimbo ignored him, and continued to indulge himself in the fruit that his master had given him. "Your race may soon become as wise and knowledgabe as the humans. But I believe your race will never develop the strong will towards violence that the humans have. Now, only a handful succeed in recognizing their creator." A tear rolled down Guthix's cheek. Then his eyes widened in realization, and he stood up. "I nearly forgot about my newest creation, the camel! It's running loose throughout Gielnor right now! Stay here, Marimbo, alright?"

Marimbo nodded and gave out an ooh-ooh-ah-ah. Guthix chuckled and teleported in a blue flash. Marimbo simply starred at the place where his master had been. Then the astonishment wore off, and the monkey began climbing around the chamber. Then he caught sight of the tea cup he saw his master hold earlier. It was on a table, very high up, but Marimbo figured he could find a chair and climb his way up.

Marimbo jumped up onto Guthix's chair, and leapt onto the table. Then he starred at the tea cup. It could hardly be called simply a cup, or even a goblet. It was more like a silver chalice adorned with many gems. Marimbo cried out once more, but this time in victory: He had succeeded in getting to the cup. But what would he do now? He felt a very strange yet strong urge to take the chalice as his master did and drink it's fluidy substence. He felt that it would grant him strength and wisdom, perhaps even power as much as his master, Guthix had? Marimbo ignored the urge, and began circling around the cup. The urge grew strong, despite the fact that he didn't even know where it was coming from. He figured that it was his monkey instincts that told him so.

Finally, Marimbo could fight the temptation no longer. He grabbed the cup and drank it. It tasted delicious. Why had Guthix, his master, told him otherwise? Was he trying to keep its sweetness for himself? Suddenly, Marimbo felt change happening. He grew rapidly. His hair became longer, his small fists became iron-strong, and his hair was somehow dyed white and dark grey instead of brown. His shoulders became broad and tough, and his whole body grew. He started shaking from fear. What was happening to him? Then, he felt a strong wisdom overcoming him. His feeling of fear was replaced with a feeling of happiness. He felt intelligent, strong, wise, and incredibly powerful. Was this what his master had been preventing him from doing? He growled in disgust, then realised that his voice had changed. He had practically become a different race. Why was Guthix preventing him from this?

Filling up with anger fast, Marimbo, now a huge, silverback gorilla, stormed out of Guthix's huge palace. He rampaged through the gardens. Then, he saw Guthix returning through the courtyard. When his master saw him, they both froze.

"Marimbo?" Guthix asked. The ape nodded. "What happend? I can bring you back to your original form if you like."

Marimbo growled. Why would he want to be a small monkey again, when he could have almost god-like powers staying as he was. He quickly rushed past his master, not looking back.

"No! Marimbo! Come back! You're my only company! Come back!" Guthix began to cry as Marimbo fled. After the gorilla looked back, he heard his master give one last call. "Marimbo!" Filled with sadness but blinded by pride, Marimbo began walking away, furious.

Edited January 12, 2008 by Finway

[Grazer]

One word,

 

 

Wow.

 

11/10

[Finway]

Thanks, Grazer Magic. You made my day. :)

[SlashingUK]

Review taken from the Reviewing Circle

 

A nice little opener with an interesting premise. I presume this is prologue to a longer story to follow, or is this the whole of a creation myth for "The Ape God"?

 

Anyway, on to the ratings.

 

Overall Rating: 65/100

 

How much did I read: All of it

 

Language: The writing is very clear, well presented, with few errors. It would help to double-paragraph break so that there's a definite break between blocks of related text to ease readability. There are some minor errors but nothing to detract from the reading. The style is generally good.

 

Storyline: We gain an insight into the creation of The Ape God, which is the purpose of this piece. It also ends with a tantalising "furious" which foreshadows something of what is to come next.

 

Characters: The monkey and Guthix – both are sufficiently presented, consistent and motivated and the monkey even achieves a great deal of development, albeit randomly (which is not a criticism, just an observation).

 

General: There's an unusual perspective from the point of view of the monkey which slightly undermines the credibility for me. I really can't imagine a monkey thinking "it's my instinct telling me to do this"? and there are other phrases that don't convey real meaning to me, for instance, I have no idea what it would feel like to have "a strong wisdom overcome" me.

 

Some specific editorial comments:

 

"to indulge himself into the fruit" – "in" the fruit

 

"violence that the humans had" – have all humans disappeared at this point? If not, make it "have"

 

Two instances of "starred" should be spelled "stared"

 

"he caught site of the tea cup" – "sight"

 

"drink out of it from his lips" – how else would one drink? Lose the last three words.

 

"to keep it's sweetness for himself?" – "its" since "it's" is only ever used to mean "it is"

 

"somehow died white and dark grey" – "dyed"

 

"practicly" should be spelled "practically"

 

"he heard his master gave one last call" – either "give" or lose "he heard"

Edited January 11, 2008 by SlashingUK

[Finway]

Thank you for reviewing. I'll correct my mistakes now. :rofl:

[haydntg]

sad but great story

[Finway]

Thank you. That's exactly how I want all of my stories to be.

[haydntg]

so curse of zamorak gonna end up sad, my character is gonna die, No!!!!!!!!! wait theirs more then 1 book lol :)

[Finway]

Don't worry. Your character won't die until Book 3.

[haydntg]

drats i'm gonna die, well maybe i'll get the chance to insult zamorak right to his face before i die, but i also have a guess that Jarn's gonna die to and then lethirom will get revenge yes i do know i didnt spell lethirom right (its hard to remember unless you created the character which i didnt) i hope all the books are long, does Jarn ever come back for revenge on the elves that attacked. and why am i expecting spoilers?

Edited February 28, 2008 by haydntg

[Finway]

Almost everyone will die, so don't worry. I'm not singling you out or anything.

[Luna]

This one's great! Unfortunately, I'm still waiting for the Curse of Zamorak to be finished. Oh, and Demon Tide. Keep writing!

[Bob Reborn]

Awesome story with few grammar mistakes and spelling mistakes. You should also organize it a bit more like the people said. But not everyone is perfect...

 

And I thought Guthix was stronger than this! Crying over a monkey leaving him

 

But maybe you're showing Guthix's true colors. I expected Guthix to be strong,mature and powerful...

 

Weird story and awesome imagination.

 

Suspense and Mystery

[2342342513123414123]

This is an awesome story, but I have a question. Is this a one-part story, or is this going to be extended?

[Finway]

It's just a one part piece. At first I thought I was going to continue it, but then I felt that if I did so it would ruin the whole mood that I tried hard to set when I wrote it.

[Dad]

A nice short story. I dislike how often you use the word Marimbo, though. Also, something that annoys me (I don't know why) is how you spell stared. I don't think it's a double r.

It's just a one part piece. At first I thought I was going to continue it, but then I felt that if I did so it would ruin the whole mood that I tried hard to set when I wrote it.

Don't you hate that? I want to know what happens next, but if you've had the urge to expand upon it, then you would want to know more than anyone else. The joy I find in writing is discovering how my mind works. With writing you may have an idea of what you want to happen but you never fully experience the accomplishment of a story until it is written.

Then there's the risk of ruining your work. That, I think, holds everyone back a bit. People have told me that if you dislike the changes then you can undo them, but you have seen it and others have seen it. While the records of it may be gone, the flair the story gave weakens.

(I don't want to read over that, it probably makes no sense :x )

[2342342513123414123]

A nice short story. I dislike how often you use the word Marimbo, though. Also, something that annoys me (I don't know why) is how you spell stared. I don't think it's a double r.

It's just a one part piece. At first I thought I was going to continue it, but then I felt that if I did so it would ruin the whole mood that I tried hard to set when I wrote it.

Don't you hate that? I want to know what happens next, but if you've had the urge to expand upon it, then you would want to know more than anyone else. The joy I find in writing is discovering how my mind works. With writing you may have an idea of what you want to happen but you never fully experience the accomplishment of a story until it is written.

Then there's the risk of ruining your work. That, I think, holds everyone back a bit. People have told me that if you dislike the changes then you can undo them, but you have seen it and others have seen it. While the records of it may be gone, the flair the story gave weakens.

(I don't want to read over that, it probably makes no sense :x )

 

Actually, I prefer it as a one-part story. Stories with sad endings, or cliff-hangers are awesome.

[Dad]

A nice short story. I dislike how often you use the word Marimbo, though. Also, something that annoys me (I don't know why) is how you spell stared. I don't think it's a double r.

It's just a one part piece. At first I thought I was going to continue it, but then I felt that if I did so it would ruin the whole mood that I tried hard to set when I wrote it.

Don't you hate that? I want to know what happens next, but if you've had the urge to expand upon it, then you would want to know more than anyone else. The joy I find in writing is discovering how my mind works. With writing you may have an idea of what you want to happen but you never fully experience the accomplishment of a story until it is written.

Then there's the risk of ruining your work. That, I think, holds everyone back a bit. People have told me that if you dislike the changes then you can undo them, but you have seen it and others have seen it. While the records of it may be gone, the flair the story gave weakens.

(I don't want to read over that, it probably makes no sense :x )

 

Actually, I prefer it as a one-part story. Stories with sad endings, or cliff-hangers are awesome.

Aye, but the longing for what happens next can be horrible, and a cliff-hanger is just a cut-off if it is never expanded on. Edited October 12, 2008 by Dad

[Wackitty]

The story is soo sad! if only marimbo stayed! nicely made though! i suppose its based on the real runescape history?

[Finway]

A nice short story. I dislike how often you use the word Marimbo, though. Also, something that annoys me (I don't know why) is how you spell stared. I don't think it's a double r.

It's just a one part piece. At first I thought I was going to continue it, but then I felt that if I did so it would ruin the whole mood that I tried hard to set when I wrote it.

Don't you hate that? I want to know what happens next, but if you've had the urge to expand upon it, then you would want to know more than anyone else. The joy I find in writing is discovering how my mind works. With writing you may have an idea of what you want to happen but you never fully experience the accomplishment of a story until it is written.

Then there's the risk of ruining your work. That, I think, holds everyone back a bit. People have told me that if you dislike the changes then you can undo them, but you have seen it and others have seen it. While the records of it may be gone, the flair the story gave weakens.

(I don't want to read over that, it probably makes no sense :x )

 

Actually, I prefer it as a one-part story. Stories with sad endings, or cliff-hangers are awesome.

Aye, but the longing for what happens next can be horrible, and a cliff-hanger is just a cut-off if it is never expanded on.

I didn't try to make it a cliff-hanger, just a short, dramatic piece. I never really noticed a cliff-hangered-ness to it.

 

The story is soo sad! if only marimbo stayed! nicely made though! i suppose its based on the real runescape history?

Nope, purely from my imagination but interchangeable to Runescape history. :-)

[Bob Reborn]

Awesome story with few grammar mistakes and spelling mistakes. You should also organize it a bit more like the people said. But not everyone is perfect...

 

And I thought Guthix was stronger than this! Crying over a monkey leaving him

 

But maybe you're showing Guthix's true colors. I expected Guthix to be strong,mature and powerful...

 

Weird story and awesome imagination.

 

Suspense and Mystery

 

I think that this Guthix is diffrent from the Guthix I thought would be in Runescape.

 

But I guess some people think diffrent of Gods

 

I like how you make Guthix a bit soft.

 

But pleeeeeeeease tell me you'll make him stronger

 

IF YOU DECIDE TO CONTINUE THIS.

Edited October 14, 2008 by MasterChief

[Dad]

Awesome story with few grammar mistakes and spelling mistakes. You should also organize it a bit more like the people said. But not everyone is perfect...

 

And I thought Guthix was stronger than this! Crying over a monkey leaving him

 

But maybe you're showing Guthix's true colors. I expected Guthix to be strong,mature and powerful...

 

Weird story and awesome imagination.

 

Suspense and Mystery

 

I think that this Guthix is diffrent from the Guthix I thought would be in Runescape.

 

But I guess some people think diffrent of Gods

 

I like how you make Guthix a bit soft.

 

But pleeeeeeeease tell me you'll make him stronger

 

IF YOU DECIDE TO CONTINUE THIS.

Guthix is incredibly powerful, yet kinder than Saradomin.

[Finway]

Awesome story with few grammar mistakes and spelling mistakes. You should also organize it a bit more like the people said. But not everyone is perfect...

 

And I thought Guthix was stronger than this! Crying over a monkey leaving him

 

But maybe you're showing Guthix's true colors. I expected Guthix to be strong,mature and powerful...

 

Weird story and awesome imagination.

 

Suspense and Mystery

 

I think that this Guthix is diffrent from the Guthix I thought would be in Runescape.

 

But I guess some people think diffrent of Gods

 

I like how you make Guthix a bit soft.

 

But pleeeeeeeease tell me you'll make him stronger

 

IF YOU DECIDE TO CONTINUE THIS.

I won't continue this, sorry. :( It's just a one piece story.

[Luna]

Thought so. But I hope Demon Tide and Curse of Zamorak won't be!

yours obssessedly,

Luna

Edited October 20, 2008 by Luna

[Finway]

Thought so. But I hope Demon Tide and Curse of Zamorak won't be!

yours obssessedly,

Luna

Those two stories aren't, but I just haven't gotten the time or the inspiration to finish them.