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barney

Poem I Wrote

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Please, please, don't be mean.

 

my cunchbar jupiter says

the sky is the limit so don't hit your head

and my pulsating jupiter says

theres a jungle out there so enter me instead

and my wondering saturn rays cry

theres not enough time to do anything but die

shes a literature little fudge with a mind and a cane

and a statue enscripted with some emo's gay pain

and a laughing cold fever that stings where you can't

and a stone cold expression that tells me i'm sad

we're a simple misfortuane but we're wired too tight

to the pools of warm chorine and the back porch sunsets

and you told me the something swims beneath your eyes

and the something sees nothing past grey clouded skies

the restrictions of happiness and the blindness of youth

fudge this that i ever believed to be true

fall in a flower a choke on its dust

in the showering snowstorms and the lyrical bust

in the dust covered rainbows and the diary's glow

can you touch me if i don't have muscles to show

can you see deep inside this mouth i call my eyes

can you touch past the feelings that i try to hide

can you kneel to my face with a pistol at your eyes

in the jellybellyed youth of a imploding sky

exploding to rain that we promptly lick up

from the pavement and candles cuz their wax aint enough

and we licked up the wax but we chewed it to slow

and our lips stuck together and we lost our sweet hoe

to the ocean beneath her as she glided in bliss

and i felt it in her mouth with our secret piss kiss

my lover my angel my raygun pretend

perhaps if we fell thru this would never end

in death and in spirit and in love and divorce

i'll scream my harsh secrets till your voice is hoarse

 

Rate 1 to 10 please.

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Nicely done. 5/10

 

Sorry but you need to have better grammar, cut the slang words, add coma's and full stops were possible and don't forget to add these: ' will you? Shes should be changed to she's. Nice go by the way.

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Oh yeah, sorry for the grammer, but I tend to work better when I just type my thoughts out really quickly and don't stop, instead of stopping for grammer every two seconds. Please just ignore the bad grammer.

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7/10

 

Put it in stanzas and it will be a ton easier to read since its all so close together.But other then that nice rhyming words used.

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