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I Write Haikus About People


Emanick

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to prove i am man

who can write the good haiku

if i so do choose

 

i display my work

that displays my utter lack

of artistic taste

 

moreover, it shows

that i have no fear of the

fear of the unknown

 

Even capital

letters can be used sometimes

e.e. cummings lol

 

example

Tsunayoshi is

stealthy like the bumblebee

many feel his sting

 

fewer know his name

fewer still have seen his face

none have known his mind

 

invisible cats

even they are clumsy fools

next to his prestige

 

trackless he goes forth

into the obscurity

of a life of night

 

why does yoshi leave

some must watch while some must sleep

he has shown us truth

 

Library of haikus

 

-REAP-

 

 

-REAP- is quite a stud

he belongs in jacket cuff

or a tux collar

 

or he could be in

cowboy costume on reagan

cowboys love their studs

 

know what's real funny?

-reap- wants to be human now

what a silly guy

 

what would england be

without studs in tuxedos?

way less pretentious

 

but we do not want

ethnic cleansing that destroys

all studs in the land

 

so we simply say

-reap-, sir, you are good to go

sing the caged bird free

 

 

 

 

Admiral

 

Admiral is fat

and it remains to be seen

what he may become

 

he may be awesome

a rider of hurricanes

in a ferrari

 

he may be a star

showing broadway how to dance

while on eight foot stilts

 

he may be a stud

making hockey look boring

in the super bowl

 

he may be a king

issuing mighty decrees

banning englishmen

 

but right now he is

just another fat diner

chowing down on broth

 

 

 

 

AK-47

 

Ak-fortysev

i cannot finish his name

haikus are stupid

 

why do i do this

alas, such is my cruel fate

let me draw my gun

 

Ak-fortysev

why cannot i fire you

deep into my head

 

oh right i forgot

there aren't enough syllables

i apologize

 

Ak-fortysev

your name is absurdly long

i suggest you change

 

what human beings

need above all else is air

- crime and punishment

 

 

 

 

Ambo100

 

Ambo100

lord of all that he surveys

except everything

 

this makes ambo sad

so he hatches a good plan

to rule everything

 

he will write a play

it will win him lots of fame;

he'll buy everything

 

but this doesn't work

mods come out of a beehive;

spoil everything

 

so ambo is mad

straps himself to rocket ship;

blows up everything

 

now the world is dark

nothing left for him to rule

except everything

 

 

 

 

Borghilde

 

Borghilde is Tabt

her name change is silly lol

my life is absurd

 

i no longer know

what is up and what is down

and what is pointy

 

save my bleeding hands

change your name back now tabt

why ruin my life

 

every night i cry

tears pool up into a pond,

thus i wet the bed

 

now my town is flood

rivers wash away the roads

all from tears you cause

 

i don't understand

why suddenly up is down

i pull out my spleen

 

 

 

 

Conspicuous

 

Conspicuous ain't

quite the kind of chap for you

because he's too good

 

he makes coasters fly

he's a freaking engineer

that makes playdoh swim

 

when he walks down street,

people swoon and turn their heads

not in that order

 

then he engineers

all their bodies to stand up

and sing "billy mays"

 

that song has the tune

of "penny lane" by beatles

except it is loud

 

conspicuous won

giant music festival

without singing once

 

but great minds bring strife

one day he will meet his match

then we will know truth

 

 

 

 

Drvalar

 

Drvalar is bro

how bro nobody may know

he is too hipster

 

hipsters are not bros

"hide contradiction in terms"

drvalar tells mom

 

so drvalar's mom

prints up misinformation,

posts it around town

 

"HIPSTERS ARE NOW BROS"

massive posters on walls say

people could care less

 

the next night at camp

drvalar chokes on his juice,

vomits oreos

 

bro status is gone

drvalar is full hipster

his life is complete

 

 

 

 

Easl

 

Easl has no shame

he will fortify his nest

with sharp rocks and twigs

 

even though he knows

that he is a gorgeous bird

who deserves better

 

people come to him

they say, "easl, why don't you

change your silly ways"

 

easl don't reply

he is too preoccupied

with his rainbow jeans

 

this is why we can't

have the nice things that we love:

easl's rainbow jeans

 

 

 

 

Ej_

 

Ej underscore

he underscores more than naught

he underscores life

 

if you walk down street

sipping soda from a cup

that is underscored

 

if you rob a bank,

get caught and sent to the clink,

that is underscored

 

if the yankees play

red sox and score zero runs

that is underscored

 

(haha get it guys??

i just made a silly pun

...wow i'm really sad)

 

whenever you do

anything at all in life

thank ej for it

 

 

 

 

Emo Nemo

 

Emo Nemo is

a cool rhyme that i wish i

had thought of in past

 

but now past is gone

future steaming full ahead

present sitting, sad

 

whoops present is gone

it got run over by train

thanks, emo nemo

 

why did you derail

the tangent of the present

stupid emo fish

 

whoever put fish

in their new ivy league schools

needs a talking to

 

now they derail things

like time-space continuum

thanks, emo nemo

 

 

 

 

Falzar

 

Falzar: Lord of Mud

he can make the sky collapse

with the weight of mud

 

that he summons from

eagle eyrie in the sky

eagles collect mud

 

eyries open up

from different dimensions yo

they bring forth more mud

 

eagles have moved on

they no longer live up there

too much mud in nests

 

this is falzar's fault

he ruined ecosystem

of their dimension

 

i blame obama

epa is useless guys

it can't save a thing

 

falzar now has won

he is a republican

cue dramatic drums

 

 

 

 

Herty

 

Herty, humble soul

dwelling in a little hut

near the bayou shore

 

sometimes he logs on

checks his email and sees scams,

then opens their links

 

then he loses cash

off his brand new credit card

herty doesn't care

 

herty sparkles in

midday bayou sunlight streams

because he is vamp

 

and vamps can rob banks

remotely, from little swamps

via undead apps

 

so the days go on

progress and congress wrestle

herty watches, learns

 

 

 

 

Hunter

 

Hunter thinks that he

deserves haikus that are more

special than the rest

 

why does hunter think

that this is oligarchy?

(he is right, but still)

 

haikus go to men

who are made of sterner stuff

than hunter sometimes

 

they deserve better

haikus than hunter receives

but hunter has guns

 

so i will make these

haikus the best ever made

sacre bleu, world

 

 

 

 

Inca

 

Inca is a man

unpossessed of dignity

or so you would think

 

you should see his lair

sparkling with a thousand gems

taken from his foes

 

and his dainty shoes

that he keeps beneath his robe

they're high-heeled you know

 

he is quite a guy

but nobody knows this yet

because he is noob

 

incas get no slack

first they get killed by spaniards

then no one loves them

 

so the world turns

this just in: INCAS WIN LIFE,

LOSE THE HUMAN RACE

 

 

 

 

 

Joe The Twin

 

Joe The Twin is love

love is where the heart comes from

and what keeps it dry

 

these are both cool things

that joe the twin does daily

but dryness is best

 

because all dry hearts

radiate a lovely smell

like persephone

 

and persephone

is a reference to greek gods

you could be greek too!

 

but alas, you're not

so joe the twin cannot help

no sweet smell for you

 

lesson learning time!

greek debt crisis isn't bad

next to sopping hearts

 

 

 

 

Kemosabe

 

Kemosabe is dead

long live the kemosabe, guys

he's already back

 

and he brought some friends

and they are not phoenixs

unlike kemosabe

 

kemosabe has friends

who are worse than skeletons

because they smell worse

 

he sics them on folks

who deny that he is king

of the phoenixes

 

unfortunately

his reign comes to a sad end

when he starts to moult

 

 

 

 

Kyo

 

Kyo: enigma

nobody knows who he is

this is pretty bad

 

when he's MIA

nobody ever calls him

because he is gone

 

when he's still on sals

nobody ever calls him

(sals does not have phones)

 

when he's IRL

nobody ever calls him

they just text instead

 

but they don't hear back

kyo will not speak to them

Kyo: enigma

 

 

 

 

Kyra10987

 

Kyra109

i cannot finish her name

on one freaking line

 

why do people pick

such outrageously long names

it ruins my life

 

kyra mocks my cries

she throws trowel at my face,

says "get used to it"

 

this is pretty rude

i despair and gnash my teeth

she lifts up my chin

 

and stares in my eyes

"move on with your life" she coos

i think i'm in love

 

kyra, come back here

stop biking away from me

i want your number

 

 

 

 

Liger

 

Liger is a beast

lion and tiger combined?

holy hemorrhoids

 

he can stalk his prey

through the jungles of mumbai

jk, no trees there

 

he can stalk his prey

through the new york skyline scene

jk, he'd get shot

 

he can stalk his prey

in the runescape of our past

jk, he quit game

 

how then can he eat?

how will he raise a new race?

will he dance for food?

 

it appears he will

dancing ligers have no shame

son i watch in awe

 

 

 

 

Lute

 

Lute is ambience

he is but a background noise

to the stage of life

 

he lights up our lives

with the sound of thunder, rage

and a rabbit's squeal

 

without lute who knows?

we might live in silent screams

or hypotheses

 

that our lives were moot

we might formulate dull plans

to bring down the earth

 

oh wait we still do

that means lute must not exist

forget all i've said

 

i'm really confused

someone check my logic here

he should def exist

 

or maybe we're all

just dreaming a lucid dream

of his glorious sounds

 

 

 

 

Mikeyy

 

Mikeyy claims to hate

his claims are quite tenuous

they are tried in court

 

court says mikeyy fails

evidence is just not there

to show mikeyy "hates"

 

mikeyy now is mad

it's obvious now: he HATES

but court does not care

 

"double jeopardy,

lololololololol"

says justice roberts

 

mikeyy now is mad

he does not understand law

and hates jeopardy

 

so he burns down court

court flees into nearby woods

mikeyy burns down woods

 

finally, police

they try mikeyy for hate crimes

happy ending yay

 

 

 

 

Mista Hardrune

 

Mista Hardrune runs

mista hardune's neighborhood

it is v good show

 

featured on fox news

and labeled "what not to do

if ur successful"

 

his neighborhood is

overrun by angry trolls

eating boys and girls

 

this is all because

people there made poor choices

and foreclosed their homes

 

bad economies

always cause troll invasions

this is proven fact

 

fox news got it right

mista hardrune's neighborhood:

good for slayer tasks

 

always remember

fair and balanced never means

no lethality

 

 

 

 

Mr FANG

 

Mr FANG: so keen

his teeth are a bullet's mouth

sharper than a sword

 

but they are so small

bullets are diminutive

teeth are smaller still

 

even sharpish teeth

are useless in street battles

when microscopic

 

but fang has a plan

he will go to the dentist;

get them gamma ray'd

 

now The Fang is back

his teeth excrete gamma rays

bitten foes die quick

 

goodbye manhattan

hope you like radiation

^ mr fang's last words

 

 

 

 

N3wb

 

N3wb is a regret

embodying emptiness

of a bitter man

 

men are trading bonds

while the homeless walk their dogs

past the endless void

 

this is all n3wb's fault

he's a freaking liberal

and won't make things right

 

because politics

is the sin of man's desire

and desires fail

 

n3wb knows this too well

his regret is for his son

who dropped his ice cream

 

what a bitter man

he won't buy another scoop

growing boys need food

 

 

 

 

Naota

 

Naota is here

he has brought the party home

let us now rejoice

 

gosh what could we do

without his festive spirits

we'd collapse in grief

 

in these turbid times

he gives us a clear reason

to forsake our fears

 

"hola monsieur Sal!"

cries our sombrero-clad pal,

arm in arm with fate

 

where naota treads

fiestas delight to dance

as does michael fox

 

"delorean's here!"

shouts the pizza guy in joy

michael fox takes off

 

with him goes our pal

the party dies pretty fast

i hate diet coke

 

 

 

 

Po22

 

Po22 lives

why he lives i do not know

how he lives i do:

 

fishing for a life

forged from the most precious gold

deep beneath the sea

 

this is v silly

why does po22 think

golden lives are things

 

also if they were

they would be in rainforests

not the deep blue sea

 

but if po finds life

that is made of solid gold

he will be happy

 

and happiness is

better than the greatest pie

because it can last

 

 

 

 

Ramon

 

Ramon's awful proud

he looks up to captain crunch

and says "you are low"

 

then he looks to mars

and says "wow, your big canals?

i could wade in them"

 

then captain crunch says

"i outrank you, y'know, son

life in prison's fun"

 

ramon is in jail

he surveys the cold stone walls,

finds no light or hope

 

then epiphany!

home is where the heart is guys

ramon is still home

 

though his pride is gone

ramon finally is free

he has found his "place"

 

get it? that's a pun

one's "place" tends to be one's home

... ... ...well this is awkward

 

 

 

 

Richman99

 

Richman99:

hero of the soviets

he is very strong

 

he eats machine parts

as well as americans

for afternoon tea

 

he can melt the side

of an u.s. navy ship

with his laser eyes

 

with great power comes

great responsibility

he sleeps once a week

 

every may day

richman puts on commie socks

and jumps into sea

 

then he drowns himself

and regains his undead strength

(zombies are commies)

 

did you think that rich

was a nice human being???

check mafia thread

 

 

 

 

Samsara

 

Samsara has come

to represent the sublime

love of skydiving

 

who is he kidding?

he represents no such thing

what an avatar

 

it is good for naught

but the scrap pile and should

be burned with the chaff

 

dms should be fined

for dealing in skydiving

without love of art

 

art is only thing

that redeems the long career

of the samsara

 

long he waits for art

longer still has 'art' for him

he must take next step

 

 

 

 

Scrum

 

Scrum is helium

this makes him a party guest

people inhale him

 

he is popular

he's also invisible

plus he has no soul

 

this is a bad life

he can't star in hollywood;

he's a noble gas

 

gasses can't get paid

"they're not people" u.s. says

"so they don't have rights"

 

this ruins scrum's life

except that he has no life

he has noble gas

 

scrum escapes from earth

cries himself to sleep at last

among asteroids

 

gasses cannot cry

but this was an exception

for dramatic flair

 

 

 

 

Shen

 

Shen is a modest

(amodest is different than

immodest, you see)

 

immodest implies

that shen is pretentious fool

like richard nixon

 

while modest implies

that shen's reasonably nice

(which he is, but still)

 

amodest, meanwhile,

means shen isn't either thing

(this is wrong y'know)

 

my premise is flawed

wow this haiku's terrible

shen i have failed you

 

always stay true to

what you believe is correct

Godspeed to you, shen

 

 

 

 

Sleepy

 

Sleepy is a word

oft reserved for those aboard

choo-choo trains of death

 

yet this fellow who

has the name of the fellow

who requests this verse

 

has a sunny kind

of energy that may keep

him up past midnight

 

plaguing the infirm,

victims of a matchless bot

called reality

 

that marches onward

through the ages into dusk

programming the night

 

sleepy cares not for

the sad aeroplane of life

he just wants his verse

 

 

 

 

Sryen

 

Sryen's summer blues

evaporate into foam

floating on a pond

 

he sees ice cream truck

driving at 10mph

sryen hops on back

 

driver yells "what up"

sryen shouts "i need ice cream"

response? "get a life"

 

sryen scales the roof;

climbs in side of ice cream truck,

KOs ice cream man

 

ah, the joy of sweets!

mint chocolate chip a-team pop!

such a spiffing taste

 

carpe diem guys

seize the day this fine summer,

scale an ice cream truck

 

 

 

 

Tcmp3

 

Tcmp3

he was born american

and will die that way

 

for i have my ways

i'm in touch with al qaeda

on my new ipad

 

he beat me in golf

so now i must have his head

boy i'm really mad

 

al qaeda hates me

they answered my message wrong;

said "don't play the fool"

 

i call up my foe

tcmp3 picks up

i yell "time for sobs!"

 

he doesn't get it,

offers golf tutoring class

this is good enough

 

 

 

 

Twist of Fate

 

Twist of Fate is cool

doesn't afraid of nothing

he's afraid of stuff

 

being scared is cool

if you're scared you twist and shout

he is twist and shout

 

or at least i mean

that is my pet name for him

its on his doghouse

 

and hes in doghouse

even though he has no warns

blame jimmy hendrix

 

those who are about

to rock, we salute you, gusy

ur all in doghouse

 

thanks to all you guys

twist of fate's in doghouse too

good job obama

 

 

 

 

Uther

 

Uther Pendragon

that is not this poem's theme

disregard this verse

 

Uther is a small

his girlfriend's a medium

they make good couple

 

but one day they STOP

brazil outlaws heteros

uther is outlaw

 

now he's sad and stuff;

loses house though not gf

they go live in barn

 

barnes and nobles though

so they can read lots of books

they become real smart

 

so uther and girl

make big bucks cause they are smart,

run country, make laws

 

THEY HAVE SAVED CHRISTMAS

always remember, straight folks

you owe uther big

 

 

 

 

Whiskas

 

Whiskas my dear dad

i love you more than my son

because he is lame

 

you are quite some chap

because you make my blue eyes

stream like mountain streams

 

when you tell me tales

of how you will die someday

in a rhino nest

 

it is a sad thing

that i am too young to know

rhinos don't have nests

 

but sleep now, my dad

even though you are british

you still need your rest

 

 

 

 

Zooey

 

Zooey is a chap

of infinite taste and grace

and velocity

 

when he goes in dive,

(nosedive into giant pool)

zooey makes great splash

 

splashes without tact

would arouse the heartless wrath

of the envy sin

 

but he is no fool

he tempers his splash with wit

saying "i am cold"

 

cold indeed he is

thus always unto tyrants

yet he's warm inside

 

 

 

 

_max

 

_max is a great king

well-endowed with treasure hordes

from his villagers

 

but yet he is faced

with a great budget surplus

health budget is maxed!!!

 

what can_maxie do?

he won't lower tax rate of

hundred twelve percent

 

all nations nearby

are equipped with thermonukes

war can never be

 

_maxie has a plan

he spends budget all on fish,

wipes out ocean life

 

let this parable

teach you something about life

high tax rates kill fish

 

 

 

 

Waitlist:

1. Adam?

2. Fatalysm

3. Smilefishy

4. Lilshu

5. Jethraw

6. Guitarguy

7. Minimus

8. Gonzyy

9. Da Scotsman

10. The Prodigy

11. Wert

12. Goggie

Edited by Emanick
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Samsara has come

to represent the sublime

love of skydiving

 

who is he kidding?

he represents no such thing

what an avatar

 

it is good for naught

but the scrap pile and should

be burned with the chaff

 

dms should be fined

for dealing in skydiving

without love of art

 

art is only thing

that redeems the long career

of the samsara

 

long he waits for art

longer still has 'art' for him

he must take next step

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eman makes haiku

about anybody who wants

but they do not know

 

there are two options

eman grasps for random thought

or he makes fun of

 

either way you will

feel disappointed slightly

with a dreary sigh

 

my avatar is

not even skydiving, jeez

he's an astronaut

Edited by Samsara
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Zooey is a chap

of infinite taste and grace

and velocity

 

when he goes in dive,

(nosedive into giant pool)

zooey makes great splash

 

splashes without tact

would arouse the heartless wrath

of the envy sin

 

but he is no fool

he tempers his splash with wit

saying "i am cold"

 

cold indeed he is

thus always unto tyrants

yet he's warm inside

 

~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~

 

Sleepy is a word

oft reserved for those aboard

choo-choo trains of death

 

yet this fellow who

has the name of the fellow

who requests this verse

 

has a sunny kind

of energy that may keep

him up past midnight

 

plaguing the infirm,

victims of a matchless bot

called reality

 

that marches onward

through the ages into dusk

programming the night

 

sleepy cares not for

the sad aeroplane of life

he just wants his verse

Edited by Emanick
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