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The Skiller

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Hey everyone, I was here last with a post about my prom situation. Well, it's different now, but I still need advice and possibly reassurance. Let's begin.

 

I've been at college for a full trimester (last fall) and now a week of the second trimester. Since I've been here, I became friends with a girl named Alli. We hit it off, I found out she had a boyfriend early on and I respected that, but we were still friends and hung out in groups mostly. Secretly, I did like her; she's super nice and incredibly gorgeous, it's hard to not develop feelings.

 

Anyways, a few weeks before thanksgiving, she breaks up with her boyfriend (of 3 years). I respect the length of their relationship and know she'll need time, so I'm just there. I don't get too involved, I just keep talking to her, hanging out occasionally, being a good friend. A few weeks later, break comes. Our break lasts from thanksgiving till January so I leave for 6 weeks and don't see her. However, we text a lot and things began to seem to take a personal turn; we are expressing our mutual feelings and care for each other. She tells me she misses me and is anxious for me to get back because she wants to hang out in person and see where it goes.

 

Well, I get back about a week ago from today. We hang out on tuesday, watching a movie and not doing anything (like romantic). That's fine, it felt nice just to hang out together. To keep the story short, I felt like there were plenty of moments to kiss her while we were hanging out and I didn't. Then the movie ends, I leave, stand in my dorm for about 2 minutes, then text her saying "I forgot something", head back over, and kiss her. She returns it, we say goodnight, that's that. Off to a good start.

 

The next night, she comes over. She can tell I'm upset (which I was) and I tell her I'm just wondering if she's ready to try this. I told her how I wanted this to work so if she wasn't ready I could wait longer and how I didn't want to ruin things by kissing her and blah blah. It went on for a while, me saying all these things about trying really hard and wanting her so bad. Something must've worked because she sat next to me on my bed and again to keep a long story short, we basically covered second base and were heading for third when we both agreed to stop. She told me how fun and unexpected that was and how it felt right but she wanted things to go slower. I agreed with her.

 

The next night, she came to watch a movie. We just cuddled, kissed a little, and that's it. It was a very...close time though. I felt close to her, she said the same thing. I thought things were going great, we'd take it slow and slowly become a thing, then into a relationship. Well.

 

Yesterday, I go over to talk to her. She tells me the following (in a shortened version):

1. She likes me, as more than a friend.

2. She wants this to work with me, she wants to try things out.

3. She just can't right now, she thinks too much about her ex and what she could've done different (she blames herself).

4. She doesn't want me to leave, she just wants time and a little space (to go much slower).

5. She distinctly said how it's not that she's pushing me aside as her friend, and "I mean, if I wanted you as just a friend I wouldn't kiss you the way I did. I don't want you gone."

 

So, give me a break if I don't see the crystal clear message she's sending. I really want this to work with her, and I know I need to just follow what she says and give her space. I just wanted to hear the expert opinions of the community; you were all super helpful with my prom situation I figure maybe you could help here.

 

NOTE: Due to Lynnretta's post, I became aware of an important fact I missed. She is definite on her break up, from everything she has told me. Her thinking about her ex is more like thinking about how she handled it, and as she said "things I could've done, should've done" both regarding their relationship and when she was breaking up with him (it was a long, hard break up as he was extremely upset and went about insulting her and constantly attempting to contact her).

 

UPDATE: I talked to her again last night and she told me that it's not that she wants me to just be her friend, she just can't be as serious as I was. So I told her how i was going to approach much more relaxed and just see where things go and she got ALL over that idea and was agreeing with it and telling me how that's exactly what she wanted. So I was a little confused because the whole going with the flow thing may lead to me making moves or trying to kiss her ya know? I asked her about that and she said "I don't mind flirting, I would flirt back. We are close, I just can't be in a relationship right now." So I'm approaching currently with the mindset that I can flirt/make moves on her, I just need to be relaxed and understand this is not a relationship or even a "thing" right now

 

NEW UPDATE: Went over there to watch tv and hang out, made a move, she responded, to keep the baseball terms up, I hit a triple and rounded for home. Where do I go from here?

 

NEW UPDATE: Ok I don't really understand women at all. I went back over today and made it all the way around, and everything seemed great. She used the phrase "us" when we talked about keeping it secret for now, and I was a little thrown. Should I have a talk with her about it or just let it go? We're not together obviously, and though the "participation" brought us closer, I don't want to take it as an excuse to jump back into my serious mode. Any ideas where to go?? Also I apologize if this is getting out of hand in terms of description, or if it seems I'm not just reporting to boast. I promise I'm not and am genuinely confused by the past few events.

 

Thanks everyone, and I can keep this updated as it progresses.

Edited by The Skiller

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Hello.

 

As a Female, I understand some of the elements in this situation. It is tricky, though.

 

It is tricky because you do like her (and are beginning to care for her), you have both exchanged romantic/sexual feelings at this point. Yet, she is drawing a line - This is not uncommon.

 

This line she has drawn must be respected, of course, and I'm sure you are doing so. BUT, you must also consider yourself in this situation: You must protect your own heart at all cost. If she is indeed "thinking about her ex" then there is a possibility they may reunite. That is a hard truth, unfortunately.

 

You sound like a good guy. I suggest you listen to her closely (as she expresses her feelings and thoughts to you) and over time things may work out the way you hope. Maybe you will only end up with a great friend, but maybe something much more as you so desire.

Edited by Lynnretta

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I made an edit near the bottom of my post (see "NOTE") concerning the possibility of her reuniting with her ex.

 

Thank you for what you said, I will listen to her and just work with things as time goes. Thanks for helping!

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I made an edit near the bottom of my post (see "NOTE") concerning the possibility of her reuniting with her ex.

 

Thank you for what you said, I will listen to her and just work with things as time goes. Thanks for helping!

 

You're welcome! ;)

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I think Lynnretta still has a point. Even if she says she's through with her ex, she still hasn't forgotten him either. If she really hated the ex, she honestly would have shown little regret. Keep in the back of your mind that it's a possibility that she goes for him again. That way you're not disappointed if she does. That being said, you're probably right and she's not likely to go back, but as stated earlier keep expectations low.

 

You sort of blew it by going relatively quickly, but I wouldn't say it's your fault because you didn't know she still wasn't over her last guy. For now, I would act as a close confidant but not in a romantic way. I also wouldn't push discussion about her past relationship too much. When do you step up the relationship? Not sure, but it's better to wait it out longer than to try and start a relationship before she's ready.

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Even if she says she's through with her ex, she still hasn't forgotten him either.
Still having feelings over a breakup (of three years, nonetheless) doesn't mean that she's still thinking (or pining over) her previous boyfriend. Three years is a long time.

 

When do you step up the relationship? Not sure, but it's better to wait it out longer than to try and start a relationship before she's ready.
Then again, there's a very reasonable chance that she'll make him notice when the time is right - from what she says, she's definitely interested.

 

 

 

(I'll have you know that I've had to fight bitterly against the primal instinct to make a Jay-Z/Ice-T reference, and survived)

Edited by Arianna

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You may not want to take things to the next stage yet, but don't back off either. An apparent lack of interest or too much space now could make you the next to fall by the wayside.

 

Finding out subtlely , even if only for your peace of mind, why the last breakup occurred should give you some guidance as to what to expect/avoid, and her likely expectations of a relationship. An interrogation won't help you though - don't push if she doesn't feel like talking, or get the info from another source.

 

 

 

Gd 1st world problems, those Nigerians have it easy, see a girl, kidnap her, & force her into slavery/marriage.

 

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The next night, she comes over. She can tell I'm upset (which I was)

Oh god the angst is terrible. Come on man.

 

Tough position, she needs to take a step back and not jump into another big relationship. Go to some parties together, have fun, but making it serious so quickly is a bad move. And don't be a good kitty! and get upset about shizzle.

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There seems to be a common chord being struck here; she's being telling me the same thing. I tend to overthink when I'm trying to impress a girl or when I am serious with one, and that causes me to lose confidence when normally I'm a confident guy. She's always telling me to just relax and be myself with her, and to stop trying so hard. Probably should take what she says literally. Thanks guys!

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There seems to be a common chord being struck here; she's being telling me the same thing. I tend to overthink when I'm trying to impress a girl or when I am serious with one, and that causes me to lose confidence when normally I'm a confident guy. She's always telling me to just relax and be myself with her, and to stop trying so hard. Probably should take what she says literally. Thanks guys!

Start drinking.

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There seems to be a common chord being struck here; she's being telling me the same thing. I tend to overthink when I'm trying to impress a girl or when I am serious with one, and that causes me to lose confidence when normally I'm a confident guy. She's always telling me to just relax and be myself with her, and to stop trying so hard. Probably should take what she says literally. Thanks guys!

Start drinking.

Not too much, or you'll be the one known as "he's totally going to barf on you"

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I agree with what everyone has been posting, you should give her some space and time. Try not to pressure her too much too or it'll inevitably end badly.

This being said, I'm of the opinion you shouldn't wait too long. If it is something you really, really want then the wait will eventually become toxic, you'll start feeling anxious, that you aren't making any progress and it'll be overall just an awful experience and it won't be good for either of you. It's nice to think about her feelings but that doesn't mean you should ignore yours completely, after all a relationship is meant to be about the needs of the two of you not just hers. And, of course, if she likes you then she won't torture you too much with the wait.

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The next night, she comes over. She can tell I'm upset (which I was)

Oh god the angst is terrible. Come on man.

 

Tough position, she needs to take a step back and not jump into another big relationship. Go to some parties together, have fun, but making it serious so quickly is a bad move. And don't be a good kitty! and get upset about shizzle.

I agree.

 

I mean really, I think you're looking too hard for a serious relationship. Just relax and enjoy yourselves. If something happens, it happens. If it doesn't, it doesn't. Go with the flow, stop worrying about what it all means, and just enjoy what you two already have.

 

as a female i agree w/ lilshu

 

best of luck

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Show her your 99 magic level?

 

But on a serious note a lot of times especially after a three year relationship the truth of he matter is that there is a good chance she will always have some kind of connection with her and there is nothing wrong with that.

 

Coming from experience though...sometimes great friends are better than a blossoming relationship that is still on the ground. Contine to gain her input. Listen to her. You must consider what she tells you is already hard as it is to say to any other soul.

 

After she spills her heart, take a moment and digest what she tells you and act from that, there isn't even anything wrong with asking questions as it will help to show you are supporting.

 

 

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Show her your 99 magic level?

the levee is broken

 

I've got 99 problems but magicka ain't one

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Hey everyone I put an update on my original post near the bottom where it says "UPDATE". Thanks for all the advice, and if you could come back with comments about my update if there is any more advice to give that'd be great! Thanks.

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UPDATE: I talked to her again last night and she told me that it's not that she wants me to just be her friend, she just can't be as serious as I was. So I told her how i was going to approach much more relaxed and just see where things go and she got ALL over that idea and was agreeing with it and telling me how that's exactly what she wanted. So I was a little confused because the whole going with the flow thing may lead to me making moves or trying to kiss her ya know? I asked her about that and she said "I don't mind flirting, I would flirt back. We are close, I just can't be in a relationship right now." So I'm approaching currently with the mindset that I can flirt/make moves on her, I just need to be relaxed and understand this is not a relationship or even a "thing" right now.

 

 

Did you also tell her you took advice from a Runescape forum?

Edited by Sobend

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Right now she needs that close contact. Stay with her, be there for her, walk her through it, give her all of your rs geepee, and just remind her that you are there for her during this interventional moment.

 

Show her your 99 magic level?

the levee is broken

 

I've got 99 problems but magicka ain't one

Cooking level helps as well what sweet gal doesn't like a man who helps outin the kitchen areas.

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Did you also tell her you took advice from a Runescape forum?

 

Haven't laughed out loud at a post on here in a long time. Nice job. :rofl:

 

New update as well guys.

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Well, it's NEW UPDATE: Went over there to watch tv and hang out, made a move, she responded, to keep the baseball terms up, I hit a triple and rounded for home. Where do I go from here?
That depends, did you get thrown out at the plate?

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Can someone translate that to European Football? I don't speak Baseball, sorry.

More or less: free kick from about 30-35 metres out on the right side of the penalty area, but there's no Mihajlovic, Pirlo, Baggio, Juninho Pernambucano or Roberto Carlos in sight, so there's one hell of a lot of options still on the plate

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Can someone translate that to European Football? I don't speak Baseball, sorry.

More or less: free kick from about 30-35 metres out on the right side of the penalty area, but there's no Mihajlovic, Pirlo, Baggio, Juninho Pernambucano or Roberto Carlos in sight, so there's one hell of a lot of options still on the plate

So basically what you are saying is that this picture of Cristiano Ronaldo's statue illustrates well the situation of the OP:

 

W7JGASq.png

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Can someone translate that to European Football? I don't speak Baseball, sorry.

More or less: free kick from about 30-35 metres out on the right side of the penalty area, but there's no Mihajlovic, Pirlo, Baggio, Juninho Pernambucano or Roberto Carlos in sight, so there's one hell of a lot of options still on the plate

So basically what you are saying is that this picture of Cristiano Ronaldo's statue illustrates well the situation of the OP:

 

W7JGASq.png

Yup, still as a statue indeed

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